sean-57842 Reviews

Videodrome (1983)

Tune in!

[6/10 · 17 January 2020]

Classic lo-def body horror thriller from Cronenberg (M-Mmmmorty). James Woods is a bit wet (reminds me of Weller's RoboCop) and Debbie Harry, despite looking absolutely fine, leaves a lot to be desired. Nevertheless, its a great movie with some awesome trippy effects.

Troma's War (1988)

Bizarre!

[7/10 · 17 January 2020]

I guess the best way to describe this would be to say that it is Troma's take on the Rambo era of War films. Beginning uncannily in the same fashion as the pilot (lol) episode of Lost, Troma's War quickly descends into a jungle-fever drenched bullet fest, with a dashing of casual racism and exposed breasts for completions sake. Did I really care what the f&ck was going on? No. Did I enjoy watching it? Yes, absolutely.

Terror in the Wax Museum (1973)

A little bit boring

[4/10 · 17 January 2020]

This looks like something of a classic, but unfortunately fails upon delivery due to excruciating pacing issues. The plot follows a series of characters as they squabble over the estate of the late John Carradine (who plays yet another useless mad scientist / professor type). Basically, Carradine's character was about to sell out to an American, and have the contents of his wax museum shipped to New York. The wax creatures of his museum are sentient, and do not agree with the proposal, so quickly do away with their master. Personally, if I was a murderous waxwork, I'd enjoy a trip to New York, if only to get away from the stink of industrial London.

Anyway, the plot is a bore and not even the low cut tops of the female cast can save the day (I'm truly sorry, feminists). The fight scenes are unbelievably hammy and the score irritating and intrusive. Throw in a Scooby Doo-grade ending, and you've got a perfect recipe for British horror nonsense.

Sweet Sugar (1972)

Proper 70s trash!

[5/10 · 17 January 2020]

A prostitute with a mouth fulla sass gets sent to a woman's prison work camp where it turns out the guards are sadistic and the camp leader is "experimenting" on the women that work there. Queue all sorts of half-naked debauchery as the girls fight back and give the babyfaced freakazoid Dr. John (yes!) the runaround, with an absolutely insane ending. I haven't personally for over half a decade, but it might be worth blazing out before watching this one.

Street Trash (1987)

Epic! Right?

[7/10 · 17 January 2020]

His one took a while to get going, but it was worth the wait. Sloshy, melty disgusting gore with some of the most hilarious effects I've seen for a while. Weird as to see Larry Boy from The Sopranos acting here (it was his first feature), and I was head over heels in love with Jana Arakawa (despite her haircut haha), who has unfortunately not appeared in much else since.

Pet Sematary (1989)

Nope.

[4/10 · 17 January 2020]

Incredibly awful Stephen King story that should have just stayed as a novel. With your active imagination filling the gaps, this might just work. Otherwise, it really hasn't aged well (and no, I won't be watching the remake!). I always wondered what happened to Tasha Yar from Star Trek, though.

It (1990)

They all float...

[6/10 · 17 January 2020]

With all the recent hubbub around the It remake I thought it would be worth finally checking out the original. What I didn't know what that this was essentially two TV movies glued back to back, so I found watching the whole thing in one go was a bit much, especially as the second half kinda wanes and gets lost a bit. I don't know what it is about Stephen King stories, but they are just more enjoyable when it involves children. It just seems that the type of horror that Mr. King creates is more fitting to a child's world view (that might be because most of it is a pile of crap that only kids could believe, but there we go).

That being said (and probably for that reason, thinking about it), the kids really shine here. The first half of the film is filled with mystery and wonder, but when they are all grown up the characters are boring and annoying. When It turns into a ridiculous (in the best way possible!) giant spider puppet, things start looking up, only to disappoint me when it doesn't chop half of the cast to tiny pieces with its massive pincers. I did enjoy It, I really did, but I found it very drawn out and I think the whole "PG horror" thing really isn't for me. On the plus side, Tim Curry was amazing as Pennywise - I wish I had seen this as a kid, that crap would have terrified me!

A Serbian Film (2010)

Nah, thank you.

[4/10 · 17 January 2020]

This has been on the back-burner for me for quite some time; the film's sordid reputation initially drew me to it, but its fans pushed me away. "Man, some guy totally rapes a baby, hurr hurr hurr, sick, bro". A Serbian Film has become a piece of work that has become known for its graphic content, and not for its "artistic" vision or even for its plot, which is fine if you want to wear your heart on your sleeve and create a gory, depraved movie, but if you are - like the creators of this film - hiding behind some paper thin meta / political message to justify your motivation to depict such heinous acts as "entertainment", then I'm sure that this legacy must be pretty infuriating, no?

Anyway, all that artsy sh*t aside, A Serbian Film also fails on the face value of it being a shocking exploitation film. It draws out all the stops - and then some - yet fails to be entertaining, or repulsive, or even hilarious in its own failure. The film is cold and completely devoid of atmosphere or dread; even the flat-out exploitative moments fail due to them being re-cast in a harsh, "artistic" light that pretends to have a message. Cap that off with the half baked ending, and I would classify this as the worst - and most over-rated - "horror" film that I have seen so far.

So, to clarify: A Serbian Film is 100% shock value tripe for plebs who think the Saw movies are the pinnacle of horror cinema, and is completely undeserving of its rancid reputation. Avoid.

Scream 2 (1997)

Not as good as the first one

[6/10 · 17 January 2020]

Scream 2 is probably my least favourite of the whole franchise. Whilst I get that the series' whole shtick is how meta it is, this is taken to nauseating heights with the insufferable know it all characters on the university set. Entertaining yes, but they also the landing with the ending so it easily comes in as the weakest entry in my eyes, Sarah Michelle Gellar or no.

Scream (1996)

Doth yon enjoy thon scarified fillums?

[7/10 · 17 January 2020]

Dug this out recently for our "Its October So Lets Watch More Bad Movies Than Usual Month", and I realised that I hadn't seen Scream in so long that I couldn't remember who the killer was in the original movie. There is eye candy galore in this Wes Craven classic, and although the plot is a bit daft, as an older and wiser (and more bitter) individual I can now get most of the horror movie references that this movie flaunts shamelessly. It changed the slasher genre forever, and to be honest hasn't aged all that badly.

Savage Abduction (1973)

Crap

[4/10 · 17 January 2020]

Two young girls are snatched for a high-paying maniac who is in love with life-sized dolls. A shady biker gang, who is at first a bit sceptical of the idea, soon warms to the $10,000 asking price for the girls, and they quickly kidnap two young hotties from the city. However, despite the premise for all sorts of debauchery, nothing really happens. At all. There is a bit of back and forth between the bikers and the kidnapped girls, all the while interjected with shots of the lead biker beating his girlfriend, and the doll-loving maniac making insane demands to see the girls he's bought.

Some weed is smoked and the girls are stripped to their underwear.... and then nothing happens. The film keeps you guessing about what is gonna happen next, when will it kick off etc., but it never delivers. Ever. Even the ending, which sees most of the cast dead, just kinda happens under your nose. Couple that with drab scenes and awful lighting, and yeah, I'm surprised I made it through to the conclusion. However, the two girls - Amy Thomson and Tanis Gallik - carry the film and I'd love to see them in something else.

The Running Man (1987)

Is what it is

[7/10 · 17 January 2020]

Arnie in the Hunger Games, basically. Insert fire asf female accomplice, terrible bad guys and a pile of one liners and cigars, oh and the chief detective guy from Homicide: Life on the Street, and you've got The Running Man.

The Room (2003)

Over-rated nonsense.

[2/10 · 17 January 2020]

On the surface of it, The Room is yet another really bad movie about failed romance. There are plenty of them out there, I'm sure. However, what makes The Room so alluring is its creator and star, Tommy Wiseau. I am obviously not alone in this fascination, as the film has enjoyed a cult status for many years and has recently seem a mocku-docu-drama-whatever insight released with James Franco at the helm. As ridiculous as that film is, it does help shed a light on the backstory of Wiseau himself.

As perplexing and morbidly fascinating that Mr. Wiseau is, I cannot shake the feeling that this guy just got lucky. Where he (and his money) came from is still a head-scratching mystery, but casting him or The Room in any sort of light that paints it as purposefully bad, ironic or even artistic is just plain wrong (I saw the awkward character interactions of The Room compared to the works of David Lynch and whilst I drew my own similarities with the surreal or awkward moments, the directors are quite obviously leagues apart). If there was no such thing as meme culture, there would be no career for Tommy Wiseau, and he would most likely just be another dreamer who had a stab at Hollywood and then fell into obscurity.

I mean no disrespect to the man, as The Room is incredibly entertaining despite its deathly pace and repetition. I could just happily go through my entire remaining existence in this world without ever seeing this film again.

Rabid (1977)

A touch on the slow side...

[5/10 · 17 January 2020]

Well then... a decent film, with a stunning lead (how beautiful was Marilyn Chambers?) but suffering with horrendous pacing issues. I enjoyed the story but was honestly bored for the majority of the film. A shame, considering the effects are pretty cool, and also considering the director's reputation.

Pumpkinhead (1988)

I'm gonna take you where your body will lie...

[4/10 · 17 January 2020]

Ah, good ol' Pumpkinhead. Honestly, I only wound up watching this because of the Misfits song of the same name (which I guess is loosely based on this? It has the same poem at the end). On first impressions, I found this to be a fairly crummy movie, but the more I thought about the whole premise and story, I found it to be pretty original and interesting (more so in story than in actual execution).

Pumpkinhead - the creature - is kinda gnarly looking but isn't the most nimble of creatures. How he pulls off the stalker/monster thang of being constantly at the heels of his prey is actually pretty funny because of this. The whole thing looks stunning; this is the pinnacle of visual FX and analogue filming, as far as B movies go, anyway. The sound is crisp and the picture is fantastic. The editing leaves a little to be desired (being obtuse but without really shadowing the monster enough, bizarrely) and the acting is pretty abysmal, to be fair. Cynthia Bain is crap mint, though.

There are three sequels to this, but hey... I'll get to those some other time....

Pirates (2005 Video)

Not as bad as I thought it would be...

[7/10 · 17 January 2020]

In my recent sleaze-engulfed foray into horror and sexploitation film history, I thought it fitting that I should check out a full length feature pornographic movie. I thought that the line between sleazy exploitation and actual pornography, especially because of some of the more intensely risque exploitation stuff, would be fairly blurry, but it is not. It also quite jarring how the story escalates into full blown porn scenes, often with absolutely no tact. I wasn't expecting Hamlet, but still.

Honestly though, this is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, which was surprising. Sex wise (let's just get this part out of the way) the scenes are super sterile, incredibly unerotic porn shoots that cater to the lowest common denominator. Some of the girl-girl scenes invoke a little more passion, but still fall into the category of "Porn for people who read Nuts magazine". But, the story in between all of the soulless f*cking is actually pretty hilarious. Evan Stone as Captain Edward Reynolds is brilliant - invoking the onscreen lovechild of Jack Sparrow and Zap Brannigan - as is his sidekick Jules Steel, played by Jesse Jane. These are the most entertaining couple in the fairly large cast, with the villains being rather boring and wooden (pun intended).

At one point, a legion of CGI f*cking skeletons rises from the ground and engages our heroes in combat, which was an unexpected touch. It was nice to see that some of the supposed $1,000,000 budget actually got spent on special effects, rather than just on industrial quantities of tanning lotion, cialis and anal bleach.

Nightmare City (1980)

Slow like a shuffling zombie!

[4/10 · 17 January 2020]

Nightmare city is a decidedly average yet somewhat quite enjoyable zombie horror movie from the 80s. It tells the story of a radioactive army plane returning from an unknown destination, bringing with it an army of crazed undead. As unfortunate for the viewer as it is for the victims trying to escape in near slow motion, the pacing of this feature is somewhat dire. This even makes the most chaotic or gory scenes seem boring and tiresome. The dubs are nothing short of abysmal, which catapult straight past being entertaining into the territory of downright irritating.

That being said, Nightmare City does offer the rare kind of zombie that is functional enough to run and use weapons. There is a small amount of nudity and the fake blood is very silly looking, but these elements add to the production rather than detract. The zombies themselves just appear to be regular humans with Homer Simpson's recipe for leprosy glued to their faces.

Nightmare City is an enjoyable rehash of all the tropes of the zombie movie but is poorly executed, and suffers heavy due to the one-speed pace.

Man Bites Dog (1992)

Disturbing

[6/10 · 17 January 2020]

Man Bites Dog is a bizarre "noir-mockumentary" in which a young film crew follow a charismatic and disturbingly chipper serial killer who goes by the name of Ben. Black humour is served by the truckload as we document Ben as he kills victims, eats mussels, visits his gran and generally waxes lyrically on subjects of his choosing. At first, the violence is jarring, but as we enter Ben's world, it starts to become more and more normalized. I think this is the point of the movie, as eventually, the film crew start to become involved in helping him out as he commits more and more serious / gratuitous crime.

I won't go any further into the plot or talk about the ending but the rate at which I was absorbed into the worldview of maybe not so much Ben, but that of the film crew, really disturbed me after the film ended. I was a spectator, along for the ride, joyously desensitized to and involved in the carnage that was being caused by the serial killer. The dark comedy of it all really threw me off as to how disturbing this film is. Interesting stuff!

Cinematically, the high-contrast black and white footage is stunning; allowing the film to be gritty and moody, as well as aesthetically pleasing.

Land of the Dead (2005)

They are coming for you...

[7/10 · 17 January 2020]

My quest through Romero's ...of the Dead series marches ever onwards. Slowly I guess, like a shambling zombie. Land Of The Dead is a strong one, pitting the zombie apocalypse against a Mad Max kinda societal vibe. Some outstanding gore effects, but loses some points for a few patches of atrocious CGI (nothing makes me more flaccid, truly lol). Those of you who enjoyed the Tenpenny Tower subplot of Fallout 3 should resonate with this movie.

Hellraiser (1987)

Oh, no tears please!

[7/10 · 17 January 2020]

1987 gory classic that birthed a seemingly endless array of sequels. There is something charming (is that the right word considering the subject of this film?) about the fact that this film is British. Oh, no tears please! I read recently about some of the cuts made to this film and they are quite frankly ridiculous. I could tell in parts where the cuts were made and I agree with Mr. Barker that this has done nothing but damage the film. It's a slow burner, but a cult classic nonetheless.

Delirium (1987)

Delirious!

[6/10 · 17 January 2020]

IMDb has this down as a "spaghetti horror", which is pretty funny. Where does a giallo end and spaghetti horror begin, definition wise? I guess, if anything, Delirium is a late offering to the giallo cause, coming out in 1987. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, despite how bad it looks.

The sound effects are so cheap, and couple that with an unbelievable bad overdub, the even more unbelievably bad acting, we have a recipe for success here. The plot revolves loosely around a porno mag's editor being sent pictures of the mutilated corpses of her models, who are draped in front of a massive picture of herself, so as you can imagine there is plenty of cheesy violence, and even more plentiful nudity. Trippy FX are reserved for the brief moments that we see through the eyes of the killer, but are effective.

Angel of Death (1985)

Absolute dreck

[2/10 · 17 January 2020]

Commando Mengele, or Angel of Death is an 1987 action movie that is best completely forgotten about. This is one of those films which is totally devoid of action, suspense or anything of any real interest. The plot is dire, the cinematography is just appalling, the acting is unspeakable. The only thing of any redeemable quality is the synthesizer soundtrack, and even that sounds like a cross between the soundtracks of a porno and a cheap thriller.

I'm not even gonna give this the justice of a plot outline. I will round this off by saying that this film contains one of the worst scenes I've ever seen. A woman scans a photograph of Mengele into a computer which instantly dictates back to her - in a robotic voice - who is in the picture and when it was taken. Boy, even by today's standards we don't have this outstanding technology!

Cannibal Ferox (1981)

A mixed bag

[6/10 · 17 January 2020]

Ahhh, of course, following the success of the immeasurably grim Cannibal Holocaust, many others in the same vein quickly followed. The acting in Cannibal Ferox is absolutely atrocious, but I still found myself enjoying this movie. Scenes of animal deaths are hard work, but watching tribesmen kill and eat a turtle as they would in reality is far less harsh than most films that have stooped to this level for shocks.

On the face of it, Cannibal Ferox is awful. Nevertheless, the pacing was quick and the movie did not drag. Perhaps besides my better nature I found myself enjoying this one, for better or worse!

Blade Runner (1982)

Where have I been all these years?

[9/10 · 17 January 2020]

I am not entirely sure how it has taken me all my life until this point in time to finally watch Blade Runner. I treated myself to the final cut, and within minutes I was completely enthralled in this dystopian world. Unfortunately, I watched this on my phone at 1am, so will be purchasing a Blu Ray copy of it in the future, I should think.

Everything about this is just so perfect in every way; Vangelis' score, the cinematography, the atmosphere and the crushing parallels to real-life 2019. It is enough to bring one to tears, speaking so freely, the gorgeous and terrifying world is so enthralling. A new favourite of mine.

Belle de Jour (1967)

A real gem

[8/10 · 17 January 2020]

So this was my first experience with the films of Luis Bunuel. I love the imagery so excuse the flurry of different covers that I've provided alongside this post. I remember a few years ago a local cinema showing this for one night only, and I didn't go because I didn't want to be seen as who went on his own to see this kinda thing. Boy, do I regret that decision.

Belle De Jour is a classic of French cinema, and despite its themes of prostitution, and masochism, it is beautifully filmed and skilfully restrained (lol). What I like most about this is that the lines between dream and reality continue to blur. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether Belle is in this world or her own.

Topping that off, the whole thing looks gorgeous, all of the women too are beyond stunning, and the film is a true treat, despite its age. I really didn't expect to fall so much in love in this, but fall in love I did. Brilliant stuff!