kirkwuk Reviews

Life of Pi (2012)

Could have been a classic

[6/10 · 25 June 2013]

After watching some harrowing horror art-house recently, I had the sudden urge to watch a modern day "feel-good" movie with my partner. Life Of Pi seemed to fit the bill with the promise of some of the best animal CGI ever seen, and as far as that goes it doesn't disappoint.

The storytelling of the main character at the beginning is masterful and draws you into the world of Pi and his screen partner. Once the main story begins the film really is two hours of a courageous boy lost at sea with a Bengal tiger. As crafty and original of a concept that is, at times it did seem grating and I found myself pleading for a change of scene, for them to find land and move the adventure to new pastures. Life Of Pi however is not that kind of movie. Towards the end the story seems to swan dive into something symbolic containing an island consisting entirely of Meer cats and strange flowers which contain teeth. This seemed out of place to me and a little confusing, and the film lost its grasp on me at this point. When Pi and the tiger eventually arrive to safety on a beach, the tiger simply walks into the jungle, never looking back. I was hoping to see a nice friendship evolve, a precious love between species - but alas I was disappointed. I wasn't expecting a Disney film per-se, but it could have completed Life Of Pi for me as one of the modern classics, but instead it just tried to be a modern movie overhauled by a flawed concept.

There are scenes here which will upset younger viewers. It's suggested the main character has his entire family drown at sea; parents and the animals they kept. Animals are also killed by the tiger, although this is usually done off-screen, but you can see the aftermath. Definitely not the feel good movie of the year! Life Of Pi isn't a bad movie, sure it's a flawed one depending on what you expect from it. The CGI is breath-taking, the visuals are incredible, perfect to show off your new Blu-Ray and LED screen with. The story didn't quite grab me like it did others, and I found most of it quite drawn out, and too symbolic for my liking. For that I can only feel disappointed.

Melancholie der Engel (2009)

Will definitely put you off your dinner!

[5/10 · 24 June 2013]

Melancholie Der Engel slipped the radar of sick art-house films back in 2009. Why exactly is not known however it might be to do with the fact the company marketing this just didn't do so way back then. However in 2013 it seems to have appeared on a few websites notorious for censorship and extreme cinema. Interest is suddenly swooning around this weird art-house thriller from Marian Dora, who also directed 2006's Cannibal.

For this reviewer, one watch of Melancholie Der Engel was enough. Being a big fan of controversial cinema, namely A Serbian Film and Salo, Dora's monster is almost three hours of complete weirdness and infrequent WTF moments. Zenza Raggi, who stars in an endless list of pornographic movies, leads this "tale" of a group of people who gather to strange house for the weekend to experiment in dark pleasures. Who they are and what they're doing is never fully realised or explained in dialogue or plot. Most of the films duration revolves around some seriously weird and beautiful music combining wonderful landscapes and cinematography. Some of the music sounds almost exactly like Brian Eno. However the flip side is most of the time you'll also see close-ups of skeletons of dead animals, burnt remains, bodily fluids, creepy crawlies, and just about everything imaginable to put you off your next meal. Well done to Dora for creating atmosphere which is truly grotesque and unique but most of all, powerful enough to convincingly unsettle. The characters together with the unsettling atmosphere make you believe Melancholie Der Engel takes place in another time, hundreds of years ago - another world even.

Dora has some serious skills for managing to cast a group together who were happy enough to be filmed and act through with the explicit, distasteful visuals which at one time belonged only to the webs darkest.

How it attains an atmosphere of depression and dread from the beginning however, is truly cheap and distasteful. Insects and animals are crushed and tortured at intervals; a small lizard is crushed to death, in another moment a snails eyes are cut off with scissors - all real. I didn't see (excuse the pun) any reason for this to happen, considering the movie has enough fictional violence and crazy debauchery on its own. For example, an old man who joins the group early on brings a girl in a wheelchair to the "party" who is openly abused and left lying around like an object. This man is later cut up (also for no reason) and left to crawl home with his guts hanging out. The group burn him on a bonfire, at which point another character is that excited he gets someone to masturbate him to climax in explicit close-up. In addition, the movie contains people being defecated and urinated on, both alive and dead.

I can't rate Melancholie Der Engel high on my list simply because it does seem to be a plot-less, direction-less compilation of weirdness and sick fantasies. The general ruthlessness of the animal cruelty also put me off recommending this to anyone, which I think is understandable. Good movies should present fiction and suspend the viewers disbelief without relying on real, unnecessary cruelty. The biggest problem it has going for it though, its length, will make many viewers fast forward through it before they get to the truly puke inducing scenes, in the last forty minutes.

Either way, if you're a fan of extreme movies, this one should be on your list. The way it comes together as a whole package though, is not as great as others. If Dora cut the animal cruelty and presented a new condensed cut - Melancholie Der Engel would score more points from me and be easier to recommend.

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Disappointing,

[6/10 · 9 November 2012]

If someone remade PA2 with new characters, this is what you'd get. After the intriguing second sequel, the fourth instalment of the series is a return to a tired formula; slowly build up mostly unexciting ghostly happenings amongst new characters, then turn up the volume to eleven within the last five minutes before closing.

This year's offering fails to move the story along, even less so than previous efforts. The whole series has been an example of throwing semi-good ideas together, and disjointedly trying to connect the dots in an excuse for another sequel. Sadly, this series is in deep trouble unless the next sequel can provide something new and exciting to the "found footage" genre.

Once again, the family in peril don't expect anything until it's too late; and the characters are demised in predictable fashion until next year's inevitable Paranormal Activity 5. The demon which we're dealing with spends the first seventy minutes opening and closing doors, and playing basketball on the stairs. This "drama" - really is that laborious and uneventful. It gets worse due to the first two films using this tactic, and more sickening as the producers felt they could pull this trick off another year. We are not even cooking with gas until the last twenty minutes.

Even the events of the trailer weren't in the movie. Personally I wanted to see the fate of Alex after seeing the dark figure standing behind her. Was this even in the movie? No. The family is also unbelievably stupid. Despite the fact they have significant evidence of otherworldly beings, Alex has no intention of showing her parents the strange activity even though five high-spec laptops are filming the house 24 hours a day… and the father is calling his kids liars. In the climax, Alex makes the worst decision in the world, running into certain death whilst mustering the will to continue filming on her Dell laptop. This amongst other crimes against cinema causes the film to lose credibility and make the viewer even less interested than enduring the drying of paint.

The greatness of PA3 lies in the fact there was plenty of drama and consequences throughout. PA4 could have been action-packed from the start, progressing the story, and prepared another sequel which the viewers would look forward to seeing. Instead; next year we expect the same. One idea would be to film the next instalment using normal filming as opposed to cameras owned by the characters, move the story along and return to the old formula at a later date? As a film it is not bad by any means. As a third sequel, and because the producers opted for the safe option of remaking previous outings, I give it 2.5/5.

Apollo 18 (2011)

One of the worst films I've ever seen in the cinema

[3/10 · 2 September 2011]

With terrible special effects, wooden acting, uninspired characters, Apollo 18 is nothing short of a travesty of the highest order.

Nothing in Apollo 18 is new or inspiring, borrowing heavily from other "found footage" titles such as Paranormal Activity. Yet it cannot match the tension built. The characters are so dull and unlikable, you won't care what happens to them. Just showing a video of one of them at the start with a family doesn't make you care about them. There is a sequence near the end of the film which is so bad it could be replicated using Microsoft Powerpoint.

And the scares, with very few of them, are disappointingly non-scary. The aliens, not very threatening or enthralling. Apollo 18, is nothing you've not seen before.

Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

The sickest of all time IMHO

[10/10 · 6 March 2011]

I've seen tons and tons of "extreme" movies, from A Serbian Film, Mordum, and what have you. But somehow this films lasting effect on me was worse than all of those put together.

I've kinda ignored this film, knew it existed but didn't feel like it was going to be exciting enough in comparison with others around. Then I saw people on the A Serbian Film IMDb quote Salo as being more disturbing.

To me Salo has an incredible cast who really put you on edge due to the fact these guys are just the human embodiment of evil. They really put over the fact they would do anything and everything to you to see pain and misery. The cross-eyed guy really unnerved me, a guy who let out cries of laughter at watching kids being whipped to death.

Although the victims in general didn't always act like they were under the oppression of the libertines, there was a point where I felt deeply sorry for them. They were treated like dogs and at any time were treated worse than sh*t, for no reason. It made me really uncomfortable.

Towards the end, I sensed the climax was going to be end in a lot of mayhem. What I did not expect though was it being the libertines to stand tall having watched the gruesome deaths of all the prisoners.

In the last five minutes the scenes of eye gouging, scalping, and burning whilst not particularly "realistic" just blew my mind. Maybe I was gullible to believe the victims were going to fight back, because the reality of it was there was to be no redemption. The poor kids in this film were slaughtered like pigs as that cross-eyed bastard giggled in his high chair with binoculars.

Wow, just wow. I'm interested that lots of people on here didn't like it or thought it was crap. To me the film did its job on me a million times (if you excuse the pun). I am still reeling from it. It's easy to become desensitised to blood and gore. This was about the depraved lunacy of those four libertines and them exploiting their power on innocent kids.

The only "positive" scene in this was the piano-player committing suicide, which is not really explained. I was under the impression she decided to die from being involved in such depravity. But even this did not deter the group one bit.

I'm really surprised the BBFC allowed this film uncut as there's plenty of scenes involving sexual abuse of children - were those kids supposed to be of "mature" age? I don't even know any more.

If you've seen the latest film to annoy the censors, give Salo a go. To me, this is the sickest of all time

A Serbian Film (2010)

10/10 - you will see nothing like it for some time

[10/10 · 26 October 2010]

I rarely hand out 10/10 ratings to movies nowadays, but when I do, it is something which is very special. This is a review of the fully uncut version.

A Serbian Film, the work of a Serbian director as a metaphor for his view on his country, is a very, very well made film.

As a fan of horror, although this film should really be classed as thriller, Serbian Film is the most dark, disturbing, engaging movie I've seen which builds a tense and remarkable first half, and then viciously assaults the viewer with a juggernaut of blows. It masterfully build up characters Miloh, a porn star who is trying to move on from the industry, and his wife, a down to earth, attractive lady who shows her normality as a mother in strange circumstances. Finances aside, Miloh needs a big break. The camera work here is top-notch, you can't believe it's not being produced by an American company. This is Serbian, guys, and the way it's shot, beautifully, makes you feel comfortable that this is the work of a professional. Amazingly, this is Srdjan Spasojevic's first film as director.

Miloh receives an offer he can't refuse from a director named Vulmar, for a new "art porn". Miloh is regarded as the best porn star after all, a man who knows the business inside and out. Miloh accepts the incredible financial offer but is concerned regarding the stipulation that the shoot will be entirely improvised. He knows nothing about the plot or what he's going to be doing. After being dropped off at an abandoned orphanage, surrounded by uniformed cameramen, Miloh soon learns the film he's starring in isn't quite as he expected.

The first half preceding the controversial "shock scene", adds to the sheer horror and psychological terror. Vulmar shows Miloh what makes this an art film, at which point Miloh is utterly repelled, as are the audience, by the conception and immediate rape of a newborn. This made me feel angry, anxious, sick, utterly disgusted. I had to leave the screen and digest what had just happened. The act is shot in such a way that much is implied, not shown, which is pulled off that is it actually worse. You WANT to keep watching to see the director of the "art porn" get put to rights. And disturbingly, we are only half way through! Hollywood likes to leave the goods for the climax, not here - I was filled with more dread, and darkness, for the remaining 50 minutes. And, it got worse.

The sheer honesty about child abuse was enough to shock this viewer, and there are three or four scenes in the closing 50 minutes which absolutely blew my mind. I felt I was the one being raped. I cared about what happened the the characters, and felt a degree of sympathy for Miloh, his wife and child. The character development here in the first 60 minutes was crucial to how I felt. To compare this to say a movie like "Mordum", does not even work. Srdjan Spasojevic could teach modern horror writers a few things because this is masterfully developed, and powerful. He got the movie essentials just right.

Brilliant actors, well shot, a great score and most of all unnerving subject. This film has an unerving undercurrent of child abuse which just increases as the 110 mins rolls and ends in what I felt was the most well-shot, but downright hellish scene, involving a family reunion for the lead character. The loving family at the beginning contrasts to them being humiliated, humanised, praying for extinction. Incest and sodomy clash with orgasmic screams of joy and relief, in the most shocking of scenes which makes me want to avoid in future. This is shot in such a way that three sledgehammer blows are delivered to the audience in quick succession, not giving us the chance to gather our thoughts - we are being assaulted. We are the victims. This film wants you to know that.

The utter misery, and cruelty, witnessed by the viewer in the last five minutes will change you. I have not stopped thinking about this scene, being so well done, so utterly horrific... I feel bad to even say I enjoyed this film, and other reviewers are too. Much like the Exorcist in the early 70's, this will be banned in many countries not because it's just sick, but because it is so very well done. For someone to produce this and have such an effect on an audience is indeed "art".

A Serbian Film should be a template to Hollywood in developing modern, shocking cinema. We're not asking them to include child abuse into our cinemas but as I said, the director got everything spot on before the violence. Think of all the "gore-porn" movies of the past, and think of how many times you cared for a victim being dispatched. I can count those on the fingers of one hand. Srdjan Spasojevic's movie had me care what happened to 80% of the characters. Many are brought to justice, whereas others are victimised to breaking point.

I'll give this film a 10/10. The way I feel having watched horror for the last 28 years, I have never heard myself say "this is a film that comes once in a lifetime".

I hope so, my nerves can't take it again.

Predators (2010)

Worse than AVP? You decide!

[3/10 · 18 July 2010]

Well to say I went in there with very low expectations, and came out disappointed tells you a lot about what I thought of this film.

Absolutely dire, forgettable post-2K crap, cookie-cutter profanity laced dialogue, horrible actors who really couldn't care less (with the exception of Laurence Fishburne) - this was horrible! They could have at least added a Ricky Gervais or Ben Stiller cameo in there while they were murdering the franchise, possibly Peter Kay doing the "fine rain that soaks you through" gag when he gets gutted by the Predators claw and gets sprayed in the face by blood.

Not even the original score could save this one. That says a lot.

Can't wait for Predators vs Michael Myers in 2014!

Antichrist (2009)

Questionable

[7/10 · 26 July 2009]

This is not an easy film to watch, and isn't't for everyone, therefore typical of Von Trier's work (Dancer In The Dark, Dogville).

This film is beautifully shot, and hit home for me as I suffer from anxiety. This movie started off as a reflection of my therapy. By the second half the movie has the tendency to lose viewers by the inane plot. It's your job to make your own interpretation of what the movie is about. A woman is grieving over the loss of her young son and blames herself. So her husband, also her therapist, takes her to Eden, a place they own in the woods. The fear is purely psychological and thus begins the leading lady going insane and becoming depersonalised in the cabin. I really didn't know what to think so I have been following web forums to see what other people made of it.

Antichrist walks over the line on three occasions. Most of the cinema could not believe what they were seeing.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Outstanding adventure in horror

[9/10 · 2 February 2009]

Hellraiser 2 is a startling film. Clive Barkers imagery of hell is profane, violent, and an oddly erotic movie from the off. The sequel continues the fantastic story, and builds on the characters we saw, whilst adding some new ones to the mix. As well as re-introducing the dead ones! As foul and degrading as newer gore porn flicks are today, Hellbound walks all over them with style and substance which has been unmatched ever since. For 1988, Hellraiser 2 is nothing short of breathtaking, and has not dated one bit. The storyline is intelligent and despite the incredible sights of hell and its inhabitants, Hellbound justifies the fantasy with thoughtful dialogue and logic and a powerful story. It also benefits that the cast in this film are mostly great actors who do a great job of suspending the viewers disbelief.

Barker gives credibility to the monster in the movie. Every beast in this film has a human side and you may even feel warmed to them when they are faced with dilemmas and dramas which question even their beliefs. There is a powerful scene in which Pinhead and his minions learn of their own past from Kirsty, the heroin of the story who is pursued by the cenobites for opening the puzzle box. Pinhead even begins to look human at this point showing the "bad guys" in a different light. Before long the demons actually become the "good guys", and temporarily co-exist with Kirsty to counter the evil Doctor's hand over hell.

The violence and gore offered by Hellbound is excessive and delivered to the viewer in such horrific, profane ways it has definitely had an impact on its viewing demographic. Barker made a great job of communicating to the director his view of the film from a novel and it's a gruesome one. So gruesome it will immediately turn away many within the opening minutes.

I recommend this movie for anyone who's into horror or those who think the genre is just Hostel and Saw. Hellbound, as indeed the original, breathes new life into the horror movie and for every pint of spilled blood, brings intelligence and style in buckets.

9/10

Cloverfield (2008)

Cloverfield tries to be big, but falls short of the mark

[4/10 · 28 June 2008]

I hated Cloverfield.

Maybe I've watched too many excellent films, but this film has a great concept, but poorly executed. I didn't care about the characters, none of them were even likable. At the party these guys fall out over a girl sleeping with this guy. Somehow this storyline smears the rest of the film like a dirty rag. I guess this is more important than helping the citizens leaving the city with their lives.

Out of all the people in the city we follow a bunch of random guys who have their party ruined by various explosions in the city. Then we learn the city is under attack. What is special about the guys we're following? They are just ordinary twenty-somethings getting drunk and talking about who had sex with who. Would picturing it from the view of a hot dog salesman be any worse? I just didn't care about the characters or their Cannibal Holocaust-inspired amateur movies. Why not follow a small family fighting for survival? Why do we need to care about some heartbroken guy? One of the things which is both good and bad is that there is very little focus on the monster. And by that I mean, you will only see the monster once or twice in full view, the rest is obscured by the huge skyscrapers of the city. I like the fact the monster is barely seen. But they could have also added some suggestions as to where the monster came from. Space? Under the ocean? All we know it as is a monster. No more elaboration or subject to think about.

The movie really is no more intelligent than Godzilla. Cloverfield yearns to be something new and exciting, and I was disappointed with the full package.

Cloverfield is a cross between World Trade Center and Blair Witch. But it is an instantly forgettable movie which proves once again that Hollywood and hype will bring in money.

Hard Candy (2005)

Disturbing, if brilliant at times *SPOILERS*

[7/10 · 21 January 2008]

After watching some of the nastiest movies in my twenty-five years, I have to say this is perhaps one of the toughest to watch. Not only did I absolutely detest the female character in Hard Candy, but the scenes leading up to the castration of Jeff (the accused paedophile) were tough to get through. I was hoping she would not go that far, but the writers and director really build up the tension to this dramatic and horrific scene. It's what you don't see which works so well.

These two character are both efficient and convincing of their roles, although the female character knowing so much at the tender age of 14 is a bit hard to believe.

I'm sure the sadness and cruelty was all intended by the directors. but I have absolutely no reason to go back and give it a second watch.

The Devil's Rejects (2005)

I want my 90 minutes back

[2/10 · 8 May 2006]

Rob Zombies sequel to House Of 1000's Corpses succeeds in being an even filthier piece of garbage.

Following on from where the first movie left off, the crazed family are involved in a shoot out with the police. In predictable fashion, they emerge the winner and move out on a killing spree for no other reason than to give this film at least some plot. That's about as creative as our friend Rob gets though, as the dialogue consists entirely of profanity in between such meaningful words as "what", and "let's move". I can honestly say that as a fan of horror movies for a long time there is not one likable character in this turkeys two hours. Seriously. I enjoy how the film credits Rob Zombie with creating such amazing characters as "long-haired killer for no reason" and "psycho bitch that kills people". If that's not good enough you got "clown dude that makes lots of jokes about sex". The film doesn't go into much detail about anything as there's no creativity in a flick which could have fit inside twenty minutes. The director however loves to drag out each scene by including lots of pointless rabble about Tutti Frutti - and a driving scene which plays to "Free Bird" for a good three minutes. Brill.

This movie is a total waste of everyones time. Maybe Rob Zombie should stick to reliving the seventies with his truly dire music.

Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995)

B-movie fun

[3/10 · 1 April 2006]

When you come out with a something as naff as COTC2, you're under no pressure coming out with a better second sequel. That's good because it's B-movie time again folks, let's spend another 90 minutes with that guy who hides behind the rows. This time he's decided it's about time to show his face, even if it is for just two minutes. A bit like one of those "Magic Exposed" shows.

Not unlike the previous outing in this dreadful series, two Amish kids are adopted by an American family. One (Eli) is a member of the weird cult - you have to hate those kids, because it's not cool or clever to hang out in cornfields son. Proper kids play basketball, swear and do high-fives like your step-brother. You also lose man-points for kissing your mother.

After about ten minutes the deaths are in fast and thick. There are some good ones in there, but the money shot is with the single most funny vomit scene in movie history. Never have I seen a cockroach make a grown man vomit tomato soup.

With that odd behaviour in mind, Eli's stepdad announces he's going to make a company out of Eli's odd corn-growing habits. I doubt that corn's healthy considering it appears to be growing on moisture from blood in an abandoned factory.

Even with all the stupidity I still managed to enjoy COTC3 up until the last five minutes. Why? Because He Who Walks Behind The Rows is far too ugly to be a likable god. In 1995 you expect him to move at more than five frames a second.

Lord of Illusions (1995)

Sick movie which seems lost in obscurity

[8/10 · 1 April 2006]

This is an intelligent, plot-driven horror/thriller, like most of Barkers work (bar Rawhead Rex). Barkers Harry D'Amore character gets involved with a Houdini and the world in which death is an illusion. Basically, a man named Swann is given Nix's potent magic, a god who changed his mind and wants to "murder the world". It's no David Blaine rubbish folks, Nix's evil magic really works! This isn't the kind of guy you'd want doing your cooking because this guy means it. However, Swann and his buddies murder Nix because he traps little kids in his basement. After binding a mask to his face and asphyxiating him, the rest of the movie documents the pursuit of Swann from Nix's groupies.

The story can actually be confusing at some points as it throws lots of different questions at the viewer. However, for the most part it makes sense, and the gore and violence distracts you from concluding the story can easily be considered nonsense. As is traditional, Clive has buckets of blood, death and self-harm prepared for you. And Lord Of Illusions does not disappoint. However, Clive's elaborate storytelling feels out of place in such a massacre, and that's probably why this genius is widely misunderstood as his films are way above the scale.

Rawhead Rex (1986)

Barkers worst hour and a half

[3/10 · 9 March 2006]

Don't get me wrong. Clive Barker is a wonderfully talented man, but Rawhead Rex is a dreadfully empty and boring monster movie. Set in Ireland, a monster awakens and starts killing uninteresting people.

The acting and dialogue are as naff as Jim Davidsons last stand up act. You could easily be mistaken for this 1986 horror outing for being outtakes from the first series of Father Ted; "Get up dem stairs f**kface!" It's the way he said it. Or how about the zombified Rex follower who sets himself on fire shouting "For you! For you!" You can't take him serious when he's talking to a bloke in a cheap party costume.

Having said that, the climax ends in a nice collection of pretty whirling colours, a bit like turning on Visualisation on Winamp. Not really worth watching unless you're a Barker fan though.

1/5

Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992)

"TV is full of violence, BLOOD and fornication!"

[3/10 · 23 February 2006]

After the disappointing King horror film about a weird cult who worship crops comes the sequel. This has all the makings of a lame duck in classic 1990's style.

The same cult that destroyed the lives of adults in the first film are "rescued" and adopted by a modern American housing estate town. What this means is, plenty of adults die and He Who Walks Behind The Rows is mentioned approximately once every one minute thirty seconds and frustration ensues. Surely any god is going to be embarrassed at such a crap name, but these Amish kids are not only stupid but ugly as well.

Finding laughs with this film is like shooting fish in a barrel, albeit unintentional. Surely finding death amusing shows an unhealthy mind, but the victims in this must surely deserve death for their stupidity. A prime example being an elderly woman who's house is somehow propelled by a lift, who just happened to be misfortunate enough to become crushed by her own house rescuing her moggy. Or how about the wheelchair-bound granny that conveniently crashes through the window of a bingo hall at the shout of full house. The drinks are on him! Oh, how this movie has something against the pensioners. There's also some great acting by the church vicar who manages to patronise even the cult who worship the thing named He Who Walks Behind The Rows.

So as you can guess COTC2 doesn't really require much intelligence to watch. It's basically a rehash of COTC, with elderly people being picked off in their dozens and lots of kids reciting Shakespeare incorrectly.

2/5

Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes (1989 TV Movie)

Great Amityville TV Movie *mild spoilers*

[8/10 · 16 February 2006]

I have always felt there was something special about this TV movie. The film isn't actually anywhere near as bad as a lot of the reviews. Because the acting is decent, the storyline is a little silly but well executed, and most of all you get to see the Amityville house before it moves location. Jane Wyatt and Patty Duke are faultless as the concerned elders of a dysfunctional family. The theme music gives away a sense of evil and the lamp looks as hideous as as dreaded it needs to be.

Within the 96 minutes nothing seriously gory happens (this film is disturbingly rated US:R and UK:18), although a lot of people die. That demonic deaths occur around veteran actors Duke and Wyatt make this film pretty disturbing as the atmosphere is unnervingly more Murder She Wrote than a demonic horror - nice houses, antiques, old people, all being looked upon by a hideous piercing-eyed evil. That certainly gives this an edge over the other formulaic episodes in the series.

So yes, don't be deterred by the silly storyline because the Evil Escapes handles this very well.

Interesting facts: The televised UK version of this movie is laughably cut by approx 15 seconds for the mild gore (waste disposal/plumber hand sequences).

Troll 2 (1990)

Great B-movie

[2/10 · 16 February 2006]

Yep, this film is so dreadful it's good. The acting, the storyline, the children in masks pretending to be trolls, are all so bad it makes my junior school panto look like an Oscar nomination. If you thought Rawhead Rex looked stupid, watch Troll 2 and you will think Rex looked real.

You just know when a family suddenly go away to town called Nilbog you're in for a treat. You also know when they're invited to eat some GREEN food and accept, you're dealing with cast members with the intelligence of Dumb & Dumber. This is great because you never know what's going to happen next.

It has to be seen to be believed. Troll 2 is available in trash cans everywhere.

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Could have been a family movie

[5/10 · 16 February 2006]

Tim Burton has made a few adult movies but I fear this one went down the wrong tunnel. For one Sleepy Hollow reminded me of Edward Scissorshands with its snowy landscapes and odd fantastic sets, and of course Depp. That Burton felt the need to add dozens of forced graphic decapitation shots was the only thing that spoilt what could have been a spectacular family movie. The headless horseman was a great concept, but sadly he does little but take off head upon head whilst the rest of the cast figure out what's going on, before he strikes in typically predictable fashion. The climax is a little abrupt and felt a bit comic-like and unrealistic to me (Burtons niche is allowing fantasy films to show realism and convincing story lines without too much ridicule).

Sleepy Hollow isn't too bad a film, it just isn't that good. It feels too empty to encourage watchers to see if they missed anything on a second watch.

The Woman in Black (1989 TV Movie)

A great ghost story

[8/10 · 15 August 2005]

Whilst I have loved haunted house movies such as Amityville and Poltergeist, this made for TV adaption of Susan Hills book packs a huge punch on the horrors of Hollywood.

With a brilliant cast (many of which star in Heartbeat and other TV dramas), great acting, and fantastic setting (which portrays 1920's life convincingly), it has all the right ingredients to entice the viewer into what is a powerful ghost story.

Herbert Wise did not need blood, violence, or gore to send chills down the spines of an audience. Using your own imagination, the Woman In Black is a figure of fear and dread, and whose presence is never absent once she first appears.

The main character Arthur Kidd, a solicitor, learns about his unseen spectre on his mission to settle the estate. The widow dies and Arthur spends few nights inside her dreary home in which he notices many oddities, which may haunt him for some days. Some of the scenes are very unsettling and claustrophobic, particularly the locked room which opens itself, which turns the generator off and closes Arthur in darkness. The film becomes more harrowing the more you put yourself in Arthurs shoes, and his efforts to shake this ghost off. The writer puts many chilling additions into the story, an example being the tin soldier's re-appearance. One is eager to learn the meaning of it all. The fact we never really learn that much about the widow, leaves more to the imagination and makes it all the more unsettling.

The widow for the most part, looks vicious and intimidating. The scene after winding the generator sent the chills down me, a woman who appears out of nowhere on isolated marshy land with a howling wind – having been on such properties myself I can appreciate how isolating this is. And the scene in the inn was perhaps the most horrible things I've seen, one I don't wish to watch in a hurry or show to elderly relatives. I have often woken up at night thinking she was behind me in my sleep.

The Woman In Black is a great TV movie and a lost gem. I agree to some extent the Internet hype for this film has been totally overblown and can see why people were disappointed after spending the best of £50 on it, but I think the net has defeated hidden gems because it makes films like these over-exposed. I think it's still brilliant and fantastically acted and I consider it the greatest ghost story of the last century.

Hellraiser: Deader (2005 Video)

Apt title - describes the writer and director perfectly

[2/10 · 9 August 2005]

Whoever made this monstrosity deserves to feel the wrath of Pinhead's chains. Just when I thought they couldn't make a bad Hellraiser movie, along comes Hellraiser 7. Even if you could even call it a Hellraiser movie, this movie has the acting standards of Baywatch, a ridiculous storyline to match South Park, and features Pinhead and the cenobites for almost less than Inferno. For Hellraiser 5, this was necessary as the storyline was geared towards "The Engineer" and the expectation of this demon. Deader instead focuses on a stupid cult who have found a loophole in the Lament Configuration mechanics and are walking the earth dead. It's confusing and is so silly, and you won't care about any of the characters anyway. The directors also achieve to make a Hellraiser movie look like Tom & Jerry within the last few minutes when the Brit is convincingly killed, only for him to shout a witty one liner before toppling to the ground.

Pinhead has been disgraced.

2/10

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Really surprised, better than the original

[9/10 · 22 April 2005]

As an Amityville fan of ten years, I can honestly say I was very surprised by this movie. Hollywood have made some right stinkers when it comes to horror, and I was expecting this remake to be cheap, tacky, waste of time. Some Amityville fans do consider it to be - however how exactly do you expect a 2005 haunted house movie to do justice to one that was made 30 years ago, when this genre was still in its prime? There are always going to be those fans, whom have the huge chip on the shoulder, nit-picking, elitist attitude which is actually destroying THEIR chance to enjoy the film.

The 2005 remake wastes little time in getting into the haunting theme. This isn't bad after all, since the original slowed the scenes down to snails pace with what we already knew - the house is haunted, evil is lurking - what is the purpose in showing Kathy Lutz looking shocked and terrified for five minutes in every scene? Whereas the original 1979 Amityville Horror built up the atmosphere, the remake uses some shocking imagery which leaves little to the imagination and had me jumping out of my seat in the cinema. I was surprised at this myself as I don't buy shock tactics - but what this film does is actually frightening, really playing with the viewers mind that what can't be seen in the shadows is something truly evil and malicious. The acting is actually flawless for the most part, and betters the 1979 film. Saying this, the acting wasn't that great back then.

Let's face it, the 1979 film wasn't that great, and in fact the sequel has many advantages over it. In fact, the new Amityville Horror may be the best Amityville film I've ever seen. It does not waste time, which is one of the flaws of the Amityville series - where we have to witness the victims of the demons slowly coming to their senses. It uses it's 90 minutes wisely and nothing seems overly long, with the exception of the ending. It's a nasty, malicious haunted house film which can work in a "jump out of your seat" way and psychological sense. Without a doubt they picked the right story to do this, as the original Jay Anson book is without a doubt the most flawless haunted house tale of all. I feel the need to congratulate all those who worked on the remake. I really can't wait for if they make a sequel.

Long Time Dead (2002)

Board stiff

[31 October 2004]

Note to film directors, try not to bring British actors across as dumb, sexually obsessed morons. Every actor in this movie comes across as an amateur that could be bettered by like-minded people in real life. It's quite a sight to see clubbers obsessed with sex in one scene and in the next experts in the supernatural and being able to hold a successful seance. The seance scene was embarrassing to watch as the camera pans their faces trying to get some sign of emotion out of them. It was just nothing, these guys can't act.

Not only are the characters forgettable, the dialogue appears to have been written by those with very lacking vocabulary, particularly efficient in using expletives. With the amount of bad language even in the relaxed moments of the film, it just ruined the suspenseful moments. Whilst the writers may argue that it makes them more realistic, in a film it just becomes grating and since when did a horror movie have to be realistic? The characters say very little of intelligence, making you care less about them, influencing us to cheer on the demons to get rid of this pathetic bunch of generic teenage sleaze-bags.

Avoid this film like the plague.

1.5/5

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)

Awesome

[30 October 2004]

After the excellent spine-chilling Exorcist 3 comes a prequel almost fifteen years later. It is great to see the curse of the new millennium of horror movies hasn't affected Exorcist The Beginning, as it's a very interesting and engaging horror movie with both excellent actors and storyline.

The prequel centers around a church that has been strangely buried in the desert, 1500 years ago. The dig reveals a vandalised church complete with an inverted cross. Supposedly this is where the demon wakes and the possessions begin.

With some truly stunning cinematography and music, the only thing that lets this down is the frequent use of cartoony CGI effects. Apart from that this movie takes no prisoners, spilling gallons of claret and using children as bloody victims. Amazing this scraped away with a 15 certificate. There are no fake scares, just full on horror and suspense resulting in a worthy addition to the Exorcist series.

8.5/10

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Great

[27 October 2004]

Unbelievable how two of the best sci-fi franchises in history could be brought together on the same screen, and result in a great film. Both Aliens and Predator films are considered top of the sci-fi league, and in this case AVP does not disappoint if you give it half a chance.

Most of the characters in this movie you will care about, I especially enjoyed Graeme Miller (Ewen Bremner from Trainspotting). He brought a satirical feel to the first half of the film but becomes a sad victim before long. There's not much I can tell you about AvP without spoiling the entire movie, only that the liasoning of the films "hero" with the Predator seemed quite tacky and the ending unbelievable and Hollywood-ish, something a classic Alien film should never be. However, it was great to see proper special effects being used and very little use of CGI effects. The (few) fights between the aliens are very entertaining and the best part of the movie.

I highly recommend the film if you can shut off the overwhelming hype.

8/10