groatski Reviews

Kesari (2019)

Couldn't decide what it wanted to be.

[4/10 · 9 November 2022]

I caught this movie late one night on Amazon Prime when I couldn't sleep. I'd heard of this event in history but didn't know much else about it, so I gave it a shot. This was the first Bollywood movie I've ever watched all the way thru, and apparently India makes their movies a lot differently than we here in the USA do.

This movie was one part legit serious war movie, one part Jean Claude Vandamme-esque action movie, one part sappy romance and one part musical. I'd be watching a serious scene with soldier's fighting for their lives and all the sudden it would break into a choreographed song and dance routine. It seemed so random and out of place that I couldn't tell what I was watching. Are all Bollywood movies made like this?

Judge Judy (1996–2021)

A domineering bully completely in her element.

[2/10 · 4 February 2022]

This is ultimate trash TV. She fills her docket with the poor, uneducated and (in many cases) stupid, who are given no representation, and she abuses and humiliates them with total impunity from the safety of her bench. Why is this so fun for some people to watch? At least Jerry Springer was completely self aware and understood his show was pure trash.

There is a lot of legitimate distrust and hatred of the law enforcement and legal systems in this country, and it is people like this arrogant broad that is the cause of it.

I understand if she were fair and respectful she wouldn't be nearly as popular, so she's been handed a license to be rude and abusive under the color of meting out justice, exactly the reason so many people dislike cops. The whole thing is just revolting.

Apollo 18 (2011)

The technical accuracy was superb.

[7/10 · 4 December 2019]

I liked this movie. As a horror movie it was pretty underwhelming, but as a self proclaimed space travel nut I was impressed with the technical accuracy. This movie showed better than anything else I've ever seen just how cramped the lunar module was, how these guys set up their hammocks to sleep, and how they stowed their bulky space suits. In that respect it was even better than Tom Hank's superb 'From The Earth To The Moon' series.

It also introduced me to the Soviet LK lunar lander, which I'm embarrassed to say I had never heard of before seeing this movie. Turns out the Soviets had not only designed it, they had built several and had even launched a few into Earth's orbit (unmanned). How is it I never knew this? Turns out the Soviets were a lot closer to a moon landing than we ever knew. Thank you, Apollo 18, for that bit of education.

I did find the astronauts themselves to be very un-astronaut like in their behavior. Astronauts are trained to react calmly and with a clear head in the face of unexpected obstacles and dangers, and the ones chosen for the Apollo program were the very best at it. These guys reacted like a pair of pearl-clutching housewives when they see a mouse in the kitchen; instant over-the-top screeching panic. These guys wouldn't have lasted two weeks in actual astronaut training.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (2009)

Let's hope Tucker's 15 minutes of fame are up soon.

[1/10 · 6 March 2012]

Let me present this hypothetical scenario to you:

You and your buddies get in the car and drive to the nearest Middle School. Once there go up to the fattest or ugliest little girl you can find and make fun of her till she runs away crying. Continue doing this till the principal calls the police, then key a few cars and do a donut in the front lawn before speeding away. Then you all go to a local bar and recount your experiences, loudly and with great hilarity, till you're totally bombed.

Sound like a fun way to kill an evening? If so then you're this movie's target audience and may enjoy it. For the rest of us 'lame-ass losers' who would find such behavior appalling, just walk away and pretend you never saw it.

Bad Teacher (2011)

Two hours of wanting to throw a shoe at my TV.

[2/10 · 9 November 2011]

"It's just a movie, stop taking it so seriously." my fiancé said as she made me watch 'Bad Teacher' with her. Unfortunately all movies must reflect some aspect of our culture in order to be successful, and the fact that this movie was even made I think reflects quite poorly on that culture.

The lead character is a conniving, foul mouthed and shamelessly opportunistic gold digger that's been forced back into the classroom after being dumped by her rich boyfriend. She hates her job, her students and her co-workers and doesn't care who knows it, yet we're somehow supposed to root for her when she embezzles from a student car wash, smokes pot on school property and sleeps off hangovers in class. She wants a boob job in order to land a dorky but wealthy substitute teacher and resorts to theft, extortion, vandalism and outright felonies in order to raise the money to pay for it. Seriously dedicated teachers and parents are portrayed as clueless simpletons that she is able to dupe with relative ease.

In the end she secures everything she sought by framing another teacher and destroying a budding romance, then decides she doesn't want it after all and walks away unscathed. I'm not someone who demands a moral message in the movies I see, but come on!

Caligula (1979)

Not all that bad, but there wasn't much to work with.

[6/10 · 25 September 2008]

I finally succumbed to the hoop-la and decided to watch this movie, just to say I did.

Gore and pornography aside, this movie's greatest weakness was that Caligula was simply not an interesting person. He was the Uday Hussein of the classical era; a sadistic and emotionally stunted 15-year-old in a man's body. There was never any intelligence or forethought to his brutality, it was purely random. That alone might make a movie interesting for an hour or so, but after that it just gets boring. Watching Caligula for 2-1/2 hours was like watching a child slowly pulling the legs and wings off insects.

For the first half of the movie there is a rather competent storyline (which is repeatedly interrupted by scenes of gratuitous porn that appear to have been added after the fact for no apparent reason), but beyond that it's just one scene after the next of a deranged man-child laughingly dishing out sadistic punishments to whomever happened to be standing around him.

The first 30 minutes or so are well worth watching. Tiberius (Peter O'Toole) was Caligula's predecessor, and he was a much more fascinating character. One gets the idea that he started out as a wise and noble leader that slowly went mad over time, and that would have been a much more worthy subject for a movie of this magnitude.

After nearly 2 hours I had all I could stand and fast-forwarded thru the rest.

Flags of Our Fathers (2006)

Much better than I expected.

[8/10 · 27 March 2007]

When I first heard of this movie I fully expected it to be another cheesy, jingoistic Hollywood shoot-em-up that had little or nothing to do with actual fact. I am happy to say that I was completely wrong.

'Flags of our Fathers' is loosely focused around the three surviving Iwo Jima flag raisers in what is probably the most famous photograph to come out of the Second World War. But the real story behind that photograph is quite different from what everyone wanted it to be. It was simply a hasty replacement of the first flag after some politician demanded it to hang on his wall, much to the outrage of the marines that bled all over that rock to get it up there. As one veteran put it; "Nobody noticed that second flag going up. People saw that picture and just invented their own truth."

FOOF shows the stark contrast between what the public wants to believe and actual reality. The three remaining flag raisers are pulled from combat and sent home to parrot prepared speeches encouraging people to buy war bonds, and charge up paper mache hills to 'reenact' the flag raising in the middle of crowded baseball stadiums. Nobody wanted to hear the truth, and the blatant exploitation weighed on these three kids in profound and different ways. You as the viewer, however, are allowed to know the truth.

I was most impressed with Adam Beach's portrayal of Ira Hayes, ironically the most famous private American soldier of WWII next to Audie Murphy. FOOF showed him as he really was, a terrified, confused, awkward and emotionally damaged man-child trying to forget everything by crawling into a whiskey bottle. A genuinely tragic character.

An absolute must see.

Borat (2006)

An equal-opportunity offender

[8/10 · 11 November 2006]

In 80 minutes Borat manages to make fun of nearly every segment of American society from New York to California. This movie has something for, and against, just about anyone who would watch it, and with a huge dose of shock thrown in for good measure. I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the screen, and that made it all the funnier. Sacha Cohen is either fearless, crazy, or has a death wish, but either way he is my new hero.

BTW - This movie is definitely NOT anti-semetic. The Jewish people shown in this movie are depicted in a positive light. Instead it makes fun of ingorant anti-semitism by showing it in an exaggerated form (like Borat's belief that Jews can change shape at will).

And now, All Rise for the Khazakstan National Anthem:

Kazakhstan greatest country in the world. All other countries are run by little girls. Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium. Other countries have inferior potassium.

Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool. It's length thirty meter and width six meter. Filtration system a marvel to behold. It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place. From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown. Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan. They very nosey people with bone in their brain.

Kazakhstan industry best in the world. We invented toffee and trouser belt. Kazakhstan's prostitutes cleanest in the region. Except of course Turkmenistan's

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place. From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.

Come grasp the might penis of our leader. From junction with the testes to tip of its face!

The Lion in Winter (1968)

A history lesson with vicious dialogue.

[8/10 · 18 October 2005]

My reaction after seeing this movie the first time was pure disgust. With the exception of Alais, a naïve little girl just looking for someone to take care of her, every one of them were vicious, selfish, conniving bastards, alternately weeping and screaming with rage. I've since seen it about 20 times and, although my opinion of the characters hasn't changed, my opinion of the movie has.

The story portrayed is, actually, somewhat historically accurate. In 1183 King Henry II's oldest son dies, and now the crown is up for grabs between his three remaining sons. A Christmas court is held to decide the successor. Henry summons his wife, Queen Elanor (who's been languishing in prison for several years), his sons, and the young King of France. Let the games begin!.

The plot does not move in a straight line. Throughout the movie the characters plot, counterplot, make phony alliances, and emotionally manipulate one another in an effort to gain better footing at the expense of someone else. And through it all King Henry (who is holding all the cards) takes sadistic joy in dangling carrots in front of them and gleefully jerking them away. And Alais, poor Alais, desperately looking for a shred of human decency to cling to, gets batted around like a cheap whore.

And the dialogue. Oh, the dialogue. Sharp and steady as a scalpel, and just as deeply cutting. And it was everywhere, all the time. Nobody was safe. It was easily this movie's strongest feature.

My advice: see it. If you hated it, see it again. It will grow on you.

Serenity (2005)

A good movie but, c'mon, #146 of the top 250?

[7/10 · 18 October 2005]

As of this writing Serenity is sandwiched between 'Platoon' and 'The African Queen' on IMDb's top 250, and I'm sorry, but this movie is not of the caliber of either one of those. It was very watchable, with some real heart-pounding action sequences and more than a passing nod to character development, but it had Hollywood stamped all over it. C'mon, a bunch of gritty outlaw space renegades that look like Sears underwear models in form-fitting outfits and $200 hairdos? I couldn't help but notice within the first 10 minutes that the boy/girl ratio was such that there was bound to be some romantic dramas played out, and I wasn't disappointed. There were, in fact, several. These people are supposed to be desperate outlaws, constantly living on the edge one step ahead of the law. Hardly a place for lovers quarrels.

The storyline was competent and intriguing, but there were many gaps (I won't get into details for fear of spoiling the plot). Watching movies of this type require a suspension of reality, but when the lead hero takes two bullets and a knife wound and still manages to beat the bad guy (and walk away unscathed), it goes just a bit far. Sylvester Stallone and Jean-Claude Van Damme would have been right at home in the last scenes.

I'm not trying to sound like a sanctimonious poop-head here. I was certainly entertained by this movie and would recommend it to anyone wanting a good sci-fi action thriller, but let's put it in proper perspective. There are good movies, very good movies, and great movies. This was a good movie.

Seven Samurai (1954)

Long and sometimes hard to follow.

[7/10 · 18 October 2005]

Okay, call me an ignorant, uncultured, short-attention-span Yank if you wish, but I found this movie drawn-out and difficult to follow. It was indeed masterful storytelling with great character development, but the movie seemed to take quite a long time to get going, and when it did it was not the cinematic juggernaut I was expecting. Perhaps my expectations were too high? I don't think so. As of this writing Seven Samurai is at #6 in the all-time greatest movies list (and the only foreign-born film in the top 20), so I've obviously missed something big.

This was by no means a bad movie; it was in fact a very good movie. However, all the really excellent movies I've seen have one thing in common - they carry you away with them. You get so involved with the story and characters that you feel like you know them personally. I did not get that here. Instead I kept trying to figure out what was going on, and why people were dramatically wailing and rolling on the ground in reaction to situations that didn't seem to warrant it. Is there perhaps a cultural difference that I'm not linking into? Am I over-analyzing it? I fully expected to walk away from this film wide-eyed and and muttering 'Wow. Just….wow' over and over (as I have with so many other films on IMDb's top 100), but instead I'm left to ponder why I seem to be the only one who's not getting it. I'd watch it again, but 3-1/2 hours is a long time.

The Notebook (2004)

Guys – a good 'chick flick' to appease your woman

[9/10 · 22 October 2004]

The ONLY reason I went to see this movie was because I owed my wife a chick flick. She sat through that disaster known as Van Helsing with me (which she seldom lets me forget) so I owed it to her, and I only hoped that it wasn't going to hurt too badly or be too boring. I was quite pleasantly surprised, and must admit that the end of the movie left me in tears.

I've read other reviews and have seen the words sappy, sentimental, manipulative, and shallow, and that some of the situations are hopelessly unrealistic. And yes, all that is true, but done in such a beautiful and sincere way that it didn't bother me that much. The two leading actors had excellent chemistry, but still not as good as between James Garner and Gina Rowlands.

I'm glad I watched it. It didn't hurt.

Angela's Ashes (1999)

Uncomfortably real

[29 August 2004]

Angela's Ashes is a gritty, realistic portrayal of a young Catholic boy growing up in bitter Irish poverty during the late 1930s and early 40s. It is a world devoid of color and comfort where nobody is truly happy, a world where a full belly and good shoes are unobtainable luxuries and what few pleasures he is able to steal are heavily peppered with Catholic guilt.

His life isn't marred by any one great tragedy, but rather dozens of small tragedies that erode away his hopes and resolve. He watches his younger siblings die one at a time thru a malady of diseases, he watches his unemployed father shamelessly drink away job after job and all their money, he's ejected from his squalid home and his mother is forced to prostitute herself to a loathsome drunk for a spare room, he has Catholicism rammed down his throat by cruel teachers and his own relatives, and through it all he's never allowed to forget that he's Northern Irish, the lowest form of life on earth.

I watched this movie for some time waiting for the plot to manifest itself. And then I realized that, as in real life, there is no plot, just a series of 'events' all strung together that are sometimes unjust and often make no sense. Alcohol, poverty, the Church and hatred of England seem to influence and define everything. World War II is barely given any notice, except when a teacher proclaims that the English were getting what they deserved during the Blitz.

This was a well-done movie and I'm glad I watched it, but I will never see it again. It left me emotionally drained and immensely grateful for the things that I have. Several times I wanted to reach thru the screen and grab his father by the neck screaming 'What kind of man are you!?!? Look at what your love of drink is doing to your family!!!! While you're out here vomiting cheap whiskey on a lamppost your children are cold and starving!!!'. I've been known to tie one on myself, but after watching this I was ready to get on the teetotaler bandwagon and denounce that 'Demon Drink'.

There's no light at the end of the tunnel in this movie. It's a daily struggle to survive. It only lasted a little over 2 hours, but it seemed like twice that.

Overall 8.5/10.

Godzilla (I) (1998)

What on Earth were they trying to do with this?

[1/10 · 28 July 2004]

Basically the movie is about a shallow drama between an ambitious and underhanded news reporter and a wimpy scientist, and you end up not giving a damn about either one of them. The fact that Godzilla is trashing New York in the background is given secondary importance, and after knocking down a few buildings he gets caught up in a suspension bridge and stays there anyway.

This movie could easily have gone places, but as it was it's ineptly handled and falls flat on every level. Not nearly as entertaining as an original 70's Godzilla movie. This was simply a merchandizing vehicle, and a rather sad one at that.

Rate 1/10

Van Helsing (2004)

Highly entertaining - for all the wrong reasons.

[27 July 2004]

My gamut of emotions while watching this movie went from interested, to confused, then to disgusted, then finally to amused. This movie is so hokey and over-the-top that I finally gave up making any sense of it and spent the last hour laughing. Van Helsing is low-brow Hollywood flash at its worst; a lot of fancy CGI effects with the barest minimum attempt to give the characters any, well, 'character'. Van Helsing himself reminded me of some room-temperature IQed Fabio wannabee who thought his looks would get him through any situation.

However, I must say I did like the new twist the director put on Frankenstein's character. Instead of a lumbering, semi-aware goon that he's usually portrayed as, Van Helsing showed him to be a wise and highly intelligent creature with a quick mind and a sharp tongue (although somewhat grumpy and antisocial). They should do a sequel with him as the star.

Door to Door (2002 TV Movie)

Very watchable. STELLAR acting.

[25 January 2004]

Brief plot: A man afflicted with cerebral palsey gets a job as a door-to-door salesman with a household products company, and must overcome many obstacles.

Macy plays the part of Bill Porter so convincingly that I had a hard time believing that the actor wasn't handicapped himself. His facial and body contortions (that remain unchanged throughout the picture) along with his slurred speech were as convincing as could be. I'd say it was even better than Dustin Hoffman's "Rainman".

The tone of the film is a bit sugary and watered down. There are very few 'ugly' scenes in a movie portraying a life that probably had its fair share of them, yet you had to admire his courage and resourcefulness.

Overall I'd recommend it, if only to see Macy's performance. Otherwise it's only marginally better than a typical Lifetime channel movie.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

The title says it all.

[24 January 2004]

No matter how many movies you've seen, you'll never run across one quite like this. Whether you loved it or hated it you won't forget it, and let's face it, does anyone find clowns funny? They scare the hell out of me.

Killer Klowns is extremely imaginative from one end to the other. The clown costumes aren't simple makeup jobs with rubber noses and big shoes, but incredibly elaborate bodysuits that do facial expressions. Every clown is different, with exaggerated and distorted features that highlight their pure evilness. And there must have been 50 of them, some towering over 7 feet.

My only complaint is with the non-clown characters. They're all wooden, shallow, annoying, and the leading lady reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I eagerly hoped she would find herself wrapped in a cotton candy cocoon before the film ended.

Don't attempt to take this movie seriously. And with a title like this how can you? With their guns that fire popcorn, cream pie grenades, circus tent spaceship and little klown car you can just bask in this movie's uniqueness. And you will be entertained. It's no surprise to me that 80% of the reviews are negative, for this is not a movie for everyone.

Zombie Lake (1981)

Schlockiness at its finest.

[3/10 · 24 January 2004]

A must-see for WWII militaria collectors, reenactors, and historians. Watch this around a big screen TV with a bunch of your buddies and lots of beer and you'll laugh your asses off, then bury the tape in the back yard and never see it again.

Brief plot: A group of Nazi soldiers in Italy are killed by the local resistance and dumped into a lake, but not before one of them impregnates a local girl. The soldiers 'somehow' emerge from the lake several years later as zombies and start killing off naked babes.

The movie is impossible to take seriously. The total budget of the film was probably $75, including the tape in the camera. It was like a bunch of teenage boys with a weekend to kill got hold of a video camera and said, 'Hey, I got a bunch of old Swedish uniforms. Let's pin swastikas to them, paint our faces green, and walk around like Frankenstien with a load in his pants while pulling topless women into the lake.' The fact that it was filmed in French and dubbed (poorly) into English only adds to the schlockiness.

I only hope that the director had as much fun making this film as I did watching it, because I pity them if they thought they were cranking out competent cinema.

1941 (1979)

Why on earth did this movie bomb?

[9/10 · 22 January 2004]

My only guess for the dismal box office performance is that it was just too far ahead of its time. The superb movie-making abilities of Spielberg combined with an elaborate, star-studded comedy probably proved more than your typical moviegoer could digest back in 1979. '1941' is the only movie I can remember seeing that I thought was funny as hell when I watched it as a kid, and still thought it was funny 20 years later. The gags, characters, and elaborate sets lost none of their charm in the transition between preadolescence and adulthood (which is not usually the case).

The story takes place on the California coast less than a week after the Pearl Harbor attacks. Both civilians and soldiers are skittish, paranoid, and seeing Japanese soldiers everywhere they look. In no time they lose all self control in a desperate effort to fight off a (mostly) imaginary enemy. I think with the sole exception of General Joe Stilwell (Robert Stack) there is not one person in the cast who stays sane or levelheaded throughout the movie.

I am, of course, greatly oversimplifying the plot. The movie actually follows about eight or nine different story lines that eventually converge and feed off each other in a way seldom seen in cinema. The first 30 minutes are a bit slow as the movie sets itself up, but once it gets rolling you'll laugh till it hurts.

Oscar (1991)

A well done little farce with nonstop action.

[13 January 2004]

I was a little skeptical when I first rented this movie, and was pleasantly surprised. Stallone plays a 1930s big-time gangster who decides to go straight. Unfortunately he has absolutely no idea how to do it (nor does anyone else in his circle), and to compound the problem the police view his honest efforts as yet another crime scheme that they must uncover.

The action and dialogue are nonstop. The plot twists, weaves, loops, and backtracks at a dizzying pace, yet you can easily follow it. It's almost like being on a roller-coaster ride. Stallone does a marvelous job portraying a tough yet likable mob boss, yet I think his reputation as a brainless action stud hobbled this movie's deserved success.

Band of Brothers (2001)

Sets a new (lofty) standard.

[12 January 2004]

Bravo!! Encore!! Quite simply the best war movie made to date. Although ‘Saving Private Ryan' raised the bar exponentially when it was released, BOB will be the standard against which all war movies will be measured for quite some time. Many of the same techniques were used in both movies.

My father had recorded every episode when it originally came on HBO and loaned me the tapes after the series was completed. I then watched the whole thing (all 10 hours of it) nonstop till the end. Sleep be damned! Hunger be damned! I couldn't take my eyes away and only paused (begrudgingly) for the obligatory bathroom breaks.

What I liked best was that everything was as true to fact as they could get it. There were a few embellishments and fictitious characters (most of which were created to represent several real people), but in all there were no Johnny Rambo types and no attempts to emotionally manipulate the viewer. The movie seemed to say, `Here it is, in all its naked glory. Deal with it!'

A must for armchair historians and pureist nutcakes. The DVD set is a little pricey, but you get what you pay for.

Predator (1987)

Unique storyline for an action movie

[12 January 2004]

Although in many ways your typical 1980's blow-em-up movie, I found the storyline to be refreshingly different. It starts out as a movie about an "elite" team of macho mercenaries on a covert rescue mission in South America (typical crap), but then weird things take place and pretty soon the hunter becomes the hunted. If I hadn't already been aware of the story when I first watched it, the plot twist would have taken me by surprise. Although the acting is mediocre (the alien was by far the most interesting character), it was overall entertaining and well worth watching.

Enemy at the Gates (2001)

A Big Disappointment

[4/10 · 6 January 2004]

Firstly, I must say that my review is not unbiased. I am an avid WWII historian with a deep fascination of the Russian side of it. The Russians suffered over 20 million dead in that war and bore the major brunt of the Nazi defeat, yet their contributions are virtually ignored in this country. So when I learned that a major movie was being made about the pivotal battle of Stalingrad, and from the Russian perspective no less, I was giddy as a school boy and counted the days till its release.

What a letdown. I walked out of the theater feeling cheated.

A brief storyline. The movie follows Vassili Zaitsev, a young Russian soldier thrown into the hell of Stalingrad. He turns out to have quite a talent for picking off Germans, and his story is latched onto by an ambitious political officer who inflates his deeds in the Soviet press to almost mythic levels. The Germans catch wind of his fame and dispatch an expert marksman of their own to bring Zaitsev down, and a duel of the Stalingrad snipers begins.

First I'll point out what I liked about the movie. The technical accuracy was superb. The uniforms, equipment, and scenery were all dead on the mark (I did catch a glimpse of a Soviet helmet with a post-war Czech liner, but that's splitting hairs). They even made the effort to replicate some famous Stalingrad landmarks, and the special effects and cinematography were masterful. The highlight of the movie was when he gets off the train and sees the battered city for the first time from across a corpse-strewn river, a river that he must now cross.

Now for what I hated:

1. Even though the movie was taken from the excellently written and entirely factual book of the same name, the movie itself is pure fiction. In fact Zaitsev's story takes up all of two pages in the book. Much like with Braveheart they took a bare skeleton of actual events and pretty much made up everything else. This to me is a great and unforgivable sin.

2. The love scene. It was totally inappropriate and unnecessary, not to mention it looked like he was killing her rather than making love to her. Did the producer hope to draw in women viewers with that crap? Certainly no war movie buffs that I know want to see that kind of garbage.

3. Zaitsev's character. Vasili Zaitsev was in his 40s when this story takes place, and he was a trained sniper. He wasn't a Hollywood pretty-boy with gel in his hair.

4. The ending sequence. I don't want to spoil things for anyone, but these two supposedly 'expert' snipers violate every known rule in sniperdom. They weren't quite Johnny Rambo, but the sniper game is one of stealth and patience, and neither one display it.

But I guess my loudest complaint is that this movie had sooooo much potential, and this story sooooo needs to be told in this country. However, instead of sticking to the facts and appealing to purist nutcakes (like me) they had to pollute it with their Hollywood 'improvements' in an attempt to market to a mass audience, which only succeeded in alienating everybody. This could easily have become a great classic war movie like Patton or Band of Brothers, and I truly mourn for what could have been. Go out and buy the book, you will be a better person for it. Overall 2/5.

Grumpy Old Men (1993)

A lovely little comedy.

[8/10 · 5 January 2004]

---Mild Spoiler Alert---

Two old widowers who have known each other their entire lives are next-door neighbors in a small town. They spend much of their free time (free time? what else are they doing?) either watching TV, ice fishing, or forever trying to get each other's goat thru an endless series of childish pranks (they address each other as Moron and Putz). This has apparently been going on for many years, much to the chagrin of their adult-aged children.

Now enter Ariel, a sexy and alluring artist that buys the house across from them. She's worldly, precocious, entirely sexually uninhibited, and not at all repulsed by the two old coots that watch her with fascination thru their livingroom windows.

Suddenly these old geezers feel long-dormant surges of desire, and do their best to woo her in their hopelessly outdated small-town ways (which, much to their amazement, seem to be working), only to come in direct conflict with each other. Their pranks escalate to open warfare, and you learn that this is not the first time they've crossed swords over a woman. Who will win?

Another superb performance by cinema's quintessential odd couple. The love-hate relationship between Lemmon and Matthau is just sincere enough to be touching, and just mean-spirited enough to be hilarious. Of special note is Burgess Meredith, Lemmon's chain smoking, dirty minded 94-year-old father who seems to have an unlimited supply of raunchy one-liners. Tragically, all the leading men in this movie have since passed on. A true classic that will stand the test of time.

My favorite quote: Lemmon: A woman moved into the old Jefferson house. Meredith: Did you mount her? Lemmon: Dad!!

Rhinestone (1984)

I don't remember it being so bad.

[6/10 · 5 January 2004]

Granted, I saw Rhinestone when I was young and naive. I do, however, remember some genuinely funny parts.

As I remember, Dolly Parton makes a bet that she can turn the next guy that crosses her path into a Country/Western singer. Enter Sylvester Stallone, a New York cab driver who wrecks his taxi right in front of her. They somehow team up to whip him into shape so she can win her bet.

One funny part was when Stallone, who lives in an apartment above a funeral home, tells Parton that he can play the organ. He then tries to invite her to his place to see his `really big organ', which is said loudly enough on a street corner to get the thumbs-up from a couple of passers by. My brother and I laughed at that one for weeks.

Another funny part was listening to Sly try to sing. Face it, no matter how much perfume you put on a pig, it's still a pig.

Perhaps my youthful innocence and the passage of time have made this movie better than it was, but I'd give it a solid 6/10.