kdulai Reviews

Breakthrough (1979)

Rotten tat

[3 August 2011]

Shoddy, shoestring budgeted alleged sequel to Peckinpah's "Cross of Iron" notable solely for the troika of superb actors who don't seem to care.

Burton as the war loathing Sgt.Steiner is simply too old. Dead-eyed and sunken cheeked, he growls a German accent that slips more readily than a stricken panzer retreating in the Russian winter. Steiger has barely three scenes but exhibits his customary late period bipolarism, roaring from rage to serenity in seconds with little in between. Mitchum is made of teak, reacting to the death of his only pal, the jeep driver, as if he had dropped a grocery receipt.

Every aspect of this accidental comedy is anaemic and threadbare; the implausible plot, emaciated script, jagged cutting and even the celluloid seems to have been dipped in coffee. Perhaps the creme de la cack is the score which seems to feature an orchestra of two.

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

Sheer woe

[1/10 · 6 September 2010]

Having seen #5 I had profound doubts that this series, that has exhibited a relentless decline in quality per sequel, could collapse to a less refined sedimentary layer of contemptible trash. Now these eyes have been exposed to the unabated cinematic horror of #6 I must stand corrected. Improbably, the descent to the very yawning maws of the comedic Underworld have abundantly gathered pace through this bloodied abortion.

I refuse to believe there was a script. My theory centres on a colonic explosion, smeared upon a roll of toilet paper, that the piffling "stars" were encouraged to interpret through their acting "skills". How else can such loathsome mental detritus be explained?

Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)

Deplorable

[1/10 · 6 September 2010]

It's a tiresome continuation of the same depressingly futile, execrable material that plagued the series from #3. A hopeless pantomime consisting of extended camp chases, the Captain being coated in various effluvia, oafs falling over and so forth. The PG certificate squeezes out the raunchy spirit which enlivened the original.

The Alzheimer-ish buffoon Commandant Lassard is propelled to the fore with no effect upon the quality, which would be laudable if there was any. Guttenberg's libidinous, puerile cretin character, Mahoney, is missing yet unmissed. The rest of the shamelessly worthless crew are back exhibiting timing which would embarrass a wristwatch from the Poundshop.

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)

And you thought Police Academy 3 was dross

[1/10 · 3 September 2010]

The only laughable aspect of this harrowingly pitiful, putrid sequel is the fact it was ever made.

Noted feminist Sharon Stone humiliates herself in an early non-role as a reporter. She is the sex interest for head clown Mahoney's latest lechery. If the yearning was ever reciprocated it failed to make it through the editing process...if indeed there was one.

In common with #3, this smear of celluloid woe features a humour-free chase sequence, the elongated nature of which can only be explained by a lack of gag material. This is especially unfortunate given it arrives so earlier in proceedings.

An abysmal black hole of joylessness, perhaps the most dismal aspect of all is Bobcat Goldthwait's screeching, speech defective moron Zed. He finds a girlfriend instead of the spear to the balding pate which he so patently merits.