Golgothae Reviews

Dead Snow (2009)

Had its moments...but

[5/10 · 12 September 2009]

Sorry, but this should have been better. The actors first of all don't have ANY chemistry. The fun moments could have been way more fun if the timing and actors had been better. The whole movie seems to have a director who is still learning..I hope Wirkola learned a lot during the making of this one, cause next time I don't think people will be as forgiving.

Wirkola's first film Kill Buljo by the looks of this seems like a lucky strike. I hope to see something better next time. It seems like the effects and whole idea of the movie seemed so fun, they thought the movie would make itself. I enjoyed Kill Buljo, cause it was playful and fun. Far from perfect, but it didn't have to be since the comedic moments worked well. People seems to still want to make a new Shaun Of The Dead movie, but it's not a good idea. If a movie is going to be a combination of comedy and horror, the comedy has to be the strongest part. In this movie, the comedy falls through much because of the actors..and directing.

It's a brave movie, but even brave people die if they're not smart. Better luck next time. I really wish Wirkola the best of luck and hope he learns from his mistakes. Norway do need people who love movies as much as Wirkola seems to do.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Bay drives the last nail hard into the coffin

[1/10 · 23 June 2009]

I will make this short. The movie is 2 1/2 hour long. The plot is close to retarded...sure, it sounds retarded to say that about the world of transformers which is in itself rather silly. But just like Batman, this could have been made intelligent and good. This is a good no-brainer action movie..sure. The first one actually worked. But the second..gawd!

Plot holes are plenty and it's rather strange when the story is as thin as it is. You'd think it wasn't THAT hard to write something close to logical. Nitpickers will have a good time with this. Megan Fox is insanely hot though, she is the ONLY reason to watch this movie.

If there is going to be third Transformers movie, let someone who actually can take the time to read through the comics make it and make a robot design that you can distinguish from each other... and not make it into another aliens attack humans movie...

If there is going to be more Transformers movies, start it over. Bay has shot this horse dead...with a Gatlin gun.

Blindness (2008)

Starts out VERY good...

[6/10 · 22 June 2009]

Yes, I loved the first 30 minutes of this film. It seemed very intelligent and exciting. But from the point where they get locked up in a former mental institution things start to get bad both plot wise and logical flaws wise.

Rather early in the institution you get the feeling that there is a very strong urge to show how complicated we humans can be..how blind etc. That is all good in itself. But when the plot goes in the certain direction that it does, it has to jump a hoop of logical flaws and psychological flaws to get to the point it so desperately wants us to see.

The movie in the end comes off as naive...sadly. It could have been so much better if it hadn't been so desperate to get to the ugly or beautiful parts. I really hope the book is better...

You might think...oh but there weren't many logical flaws in this film? Yes there are...you just have to think a bit.

This seems like a film that Michael Haneke could have done way better.

Club Dread (2004)

Have to agree

[8/10 · 23 January 2009]

This movie seems very cheap and easy..with lots of young beautiful girls with little clothes on them. But all in all, if you watch the whole thing and actually pay attention it's very well made and very funny. It took a while before it sunk it that it had intelligence..it's well hidden behind the typical high school type of cheapness, but it's intelligent and funny. Not everything works, but it takes chances and comes out very well all in all. If someone bashes this movie it's simply because they don't get the subtle humor within the in-your-face-humor..it's a laid back movie which doesn't take itself seriously and I think it shines through with quality..I have never seen any movies by these writers before, but I will look for more from them. Well done! This is not something I have seen in many years...and especially not from the U.S.A.

Epic Movie (2007)

Minus 9 out 10 would be the accurate vote to give this.

[1/10 · 28 November 2007]

I'm truly ashamed to even give this 1 out of 10. I'm ashamed I even bothered to comment on this movie. Finally someone manages to make the worst movie I've EVER seen. I know it's a easy thing to say, but finally it is true. There is not ONE funny person, scene or moment in this movie. I give it minus 9 and not minus 10 because of some naked girls..(yup, it was the only highlight in this dark dark matter of film) How can something THIS bad get made? How do they manage to finish making it? How did I manage to make it through the whole movie? The only reason why I didn't fall asleep must be because I'm just so curious to see how a movie can come through THIS BAD? A Night At The Museum was close to truly an amazingly bad movie. Still, even there I think at least I almost smiled once. In this movie I just got more and more curious about how more than one person could agree to put this on film(!?).

All anyone can say about this film is DON'T WATCH IT!! This IS the worst movie I've ever seen in my 29 years on this earth. It's not funny to watch to laugh at how bad it is either...it's just HORRIBLE. (sadly, I know I would have wanted to watch a movie that got a review as bad as this, but remember...I warned you) (me and probably the rest of the reviewers..heh)

Kunsten å tenke negativt (2006)

A Norwegian movie which cuts through the bullshit

[8/10 · 6 August 2007]

This movie is actually very special. Not many movies have been this straight forward and cut through THAT much bullshit when it comes to people feeling sorry for themselves. Finally a movie that doesn't walk the straight line where an overly positive person makes everything better or an overly negative person destroys everything. In this movie the the two different ends meet and wreaks havoc. The movie was shot in 20 days and that is quite astonishing..they punch through a wall or two when it comes to taboo areas and in an intelligent and interesting way. If you're gonna watch a Norwegian movie this year or the next I would recommend you see this. It has a lot of fantastic funny moments and if you like the Danish movie FESTEN or the American movie RUNNING WITH SCISSORS you will surely like this one. I'm not a big fan of Norwegian movies, but this one actually has a nerve that most movies lack...what nerve is that? Just go and see it.. :)

Night at the Museum (2006)

A movie for the kids..not for adults with a sense of humor.

[1/10 · 5 August 2007]

I don't write a lot of reviews, but I write one every time a movie gives med something either really special in a good way or in a bad way. I have to ask you who worked on this film...how does movies like this get made? Where is the filter? Why didn't anyone see how horrible the script was and just say: "NO!" (?) This is what happens when a director has too many "yes-people" around him/her. There is no problem with the marketing of this movie. Here in Norway the marketing of this movie seemed stronger than most other movies in quite a while. Movies like Hot Fuzz should have been 10 times bigger than this movie..because it got good comedy timing, intelligent humor and people who are critical to their own material. Night at the museum still runs in the cinemas here because...well I don't know why. Maybe because it's popular with young kids, cause I would have loved this movie if I was 10 years old and hadn't evolved my sense of humor beyond that age. Most people I know who have seen this movie have just been in awe of how bad it was, so I actually had very low expectations, but it was worse than I thought...which is more or less incredible. The humor in this film fails because it is very badly written and has one of the worst plots since..well.. WILD WILD WEST? The movie has a lot of very good comedians and actors. It's more or less astounding how many of them actually went along with this. The only way I can understand why they did it is because they where told it was a movie for kids. Fascinating film if you want to see what can be made out there and how horrible it can get even with great comedians in it. Just amazing!

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

AVP is a great concept! (the comic shows it)

[27 November 2004]

OK, I said to myself I had NO expectations when I sat down last night to see this with a friend. I knew it couldn't be a great movie because of the director, but still I had some sort of hope it seems. The movie starts out nice enough, a couple of really weak actors...but I could live with that. When the movie comes to the point it kills off it characters so fast it just doesn't have a chance to get really scary or exciting. I did however love a few scenes with the Predators and Aliens in battle. I've read some of the comic and if they had followed the story in the comic, this film could have become a sci-fi classic. But no, it only borrows some ideas and makes what every Hollywood film is doing more today than ever it seems a film with a few good ideas which they hope will float the boat. The film was actually not THAT bad until the "escape" scene, where I think the director must have thought "hey, now we've shown everything from the old movies, now we HAVE TO show them something new, no matter how stupid or silly it may seem!" (the oldest Hollywood mistake in the world) The whole escape scene made me want to close my eyes and wish away what I was seeing. I truly didn't know it was possible today to make something so utterly stupid. I'm still in shock..even though I didn't expect much. Please give this project to someone who can take it seriously. I beg you, the concept has always been a good one with LOTS of potential. Find the comic and make a movie out of it..and pretend this movie never happened.

Kvinnen i mitt liv (2003)

Norwegian wood....

[31 August 2004]

God, this really was as terrible as it could get. Unimaginative is just the beginning. They use every possible cliché in this movie. Lots of well known norwegians here and that's probably the only positive thing about this movie. Cause this is what happens when Hollywood movies become accepted in Norway. The old norwegian "intellectual"/"artsy" movie times are dead...for the moment being. I was actually happy when this happened, cause we where all really beyond sick of that kind of film. But instead of trying to make something fairly original me and my two friends who had to sit through this 4 weddings and a funeral monster cliché ripper of a film. Really, I want norwegian film to be good. This film did get fairly good reviews in the media over here, how that happened is a mystery. I guess it must be because we are so happy to see that we CAN make Hollywood movies too. (?) Anyways..there are good norwegian Hollywood flicks around these days, this one is NOT one of them. But if you have never seen a movie before, then it might worth it.

Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004 Video)

Demonic trout film

[2/10 · 2 August 2004]

Dear dear dear dear dear...me! I had the strength to see it through... But why?!

The first two films where fun and actually somewhat good. But this is so bad we had problems seeing the whole thing. This was some kind of Tremors for kids. I can't believe this movie was made at all..seems like the props where taken from some bad western series of some kind (for kids) and they just did whatever they could with it.

What audience is this movie for? I can only think of 12-14 year olds. If you're older than 14 you'll have serious problems with this movie. It's not only slow, but it's so utterly boring. The characters are overacted (not just a little either) and so stereotyped it's fun for a while..but not long enough to not make you want to fling tomatoes at the screen. You know everything that is going to happen too, cause yes...you've seen it a BILLION times before in any hero series on TV for kids. I picked all the survivors and all the tremor fodder the second the characters got introduced. It's so bad..so wrong..so...crap.

But OK, we did get a laugh now and then. Not just at the silly plot holes, but some scenes where worth a replay or two...or one scene that is, where two baby tremors fling themselves at one of the obvious tremor fodder guys..It's really a great scene which made us replay it over and over and laugh wholeheartedly. Still makes me grin when I think about it. But that only happened one more time sadly..and that's when the "badass" gunman shows up and overacts his part wonderfully...that and one comment "They spring from the ground like some DEMONIC TROUT!" At this point we where almost crying with laughter. But after that..nothing could ever top that..(?)..so it's pretty much downhill from there.

So tops here are demonic trouts and overacting. If anybody ever tells you this is a good movie...he's either a "plant", vegetable or someone very evil. This movie has got to be the worst of the tremors by far. Looking forward to seeing Tremors 3, it's bound to be box office hit compared to this...this...*goosebumps* no..I'll leave it at that.

Bakersfield P.D. (1993– )

Just give me a reason!

[3 June 2004]

I remember this series...I wasn't very old at the time. But I suspect this kind of humor is something I will still like. Cause now and then I think about this series..and wonder how the heck it could get canceled? Really..it's a mystery beyond anyone. Can ANYONE tell me why? Please? I need to know! This series was a lot of fun...I've never seen a series quite like this ever again. It had its own strange quirky humor which still is unique to this day I think. I miss it over 10 years later (!!??!?!)

WHY DID YOU CANCEL THIS!? It's just not right.... I can only hope someone picks up this thread somewhere along the way again. I really wish I could some day talk to the guy who axed this series. What where you thinking?!

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996 Video)

TRULY A GEM AMONGST HORRIBLE MOVIES

[1/10 · 10 April 2004]

Really....this is a hilarious MST3K episode...this film must have been made for MST3K one would like to think. But as that is not the case I can only say: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! How did this movie ever get made? I love bad movies...but this is something beyond anything I've ever seen. THat it's from 1996 is also something I cannot believe. Who in their right mind joins a project like this? The biggest mystery in this movie is how the hell someone authorized it and got actors to actually play in it (of course..not all of them seem to do so) This is just ...a huge mystery of a film. I thank MST3K for showing it to me. It's really a gem amongst hugely crappy films. It's nice to see how bad a movie actually can get. Someone should really have made documentary about this movie and interviewed the people behind it. It would really solve one of the worlds biggest mysteries. Even the title of the movie is totally messed up. It should be "MERLIN'S SHOP OF KILLER TOYS" But..oh that would probably make it seem more predictable...uhm?

Darkness (2002)

Good one!

[8/10 · 25 March 2004]

It's not a predictable film. It's not boring..far from it. It is however a film that takes a lot of elements from other films in the same genre. But yes, I enjoyed this a lot with the people I saw it with. We all think about the same of this movie. A good and well made scary movie.

I say it's not predictable even if some scenes were rather easy to guess. But that doesn't mean you'll guess the whole movie...that's more or less impossible. The ending was great. I was afraid it would be the same I've seen over and over again...but it wasn't. I'm a big horror fan.

Some of the acting did however irritate me now and then. (see Anna Paquin) But it's not that important really. The movie progress in a way that I liked very much. Didn't reveal much at the time..just slowly built up to become more and more intense.

It could have been better though..of course. It did lack something in the end to make it a real classic..sadly. Much like THE DEVILS BACKBONE..close but no cigar. Still, both are two very watchable movies who does give credit to the better of the horror scene. Good job! :)

Villmark (2003)

Norwegian Blair witch project

[4/10 · 16 September 2003]

Yup another norwegian here. And yes, it's a Evil Dead/blair witch project movie. As much as I like the idea, I don't really think this movie makes it. It does a fairly good job, but in the end it's just a movie with nothing special about it at all. Other than maybe the rather weak directing. Some of the ways the people react in this movie is just at times hilarious or just ridiculous.

This movie gets a lot of good reviews here in norway, and yay, we made a horror movie and not a psychological drama for once. I think that might be what is causing the hype here. Cause you've seen this movie either in an episode of the X-files, Buffy? Or you've seen it in Evil Dead and Blair witch project...ooor Twin Peaks... Evil dead made it cause it came at the right time, pluss it had Bruce Campbell. Villmark made it here because of the time it came too..but it will never make it anywhere else but here. If Villmark 2 ever comes out, they've better make it as humorous as Evil Dead 2 and 3. It's an exciting film...but not more exciting than the average X-files episode. Of course..X-files has better effects...and directing...and stories...oh well..it's enjoyable enough.

Haunted (1995)

Never get tired of this film

[9/10 · 19 May 2003]

I've seen this film now, about 5-8 times in my 24 years of life on this earth, and I still think it is one of the best ghost stories I've seen. I only wish it had been made 3 years later or so, cause then the effects wouldn't have been an issue. It really bugs me, cause it really is perfect in so many ways when it comes to almost every other aspect of the movie. The setting, the eerie atmosphere, suspense build up and acting...all just great. If they ever remake this movie..the location must be the same...and pace of the film must also be the same. That is what I fear with a hollywood production of this movie if it ever happens...too young actors, too hip music...would totally destroy the film. WHY ARE EVERYBODY USING TOO YOUNG ACTORS IN TODAYS FILMS?! It ruins a LOT of films!! The lines would probably be more rewritten for todays audience too..errr. Please don't do it if you're going to remake this...please don't fall into this trap. The attention span of people is not just 3 seconds either btw.

I'm pretty sure someone will remake this one day. The best would be just edit the film and update the effects..yup. But ok, whining a lot about the effects, but really...the effects isn't even THAT bad and the movie is still good enough without 100% belivable effects. The movie works very good. It's just that it would have been PERFECT with that touch.

Really love the atmosphere in this movie. They've really done such a great job here. It's really just the effects that makes it not perfect. Love this film.

Chilly Dogs (2001)

Rik Mayall...what have you done!?

[5 October 2002]

This was a real disappointment...this movie could have been funny if it had good timing. It has the worst timing ever. With people like Rik Mayall and Leslie Nielsen I would think this was going to be a real hit. Rik Mayall being the evil competitor working for Leslie Nielsen. Rik is one of the most tasteless persons in comedy and frankly...That's why I love him. He's one of my favourite comedians. But he should never have played in this movie, cause it's sad sad and sad. The thing that bugs me with this one is that you know they've f...ed it up cause they haven't tried hard enough to be funny. They've just relied on the actors to be funny and the actors on the director. I'm almost positive that is one of the main problems here. Of course it could never have gotten very good with that script, although I fear it's the directors fault mainly why this movie has gone down the drain. It COULD have been better. It really could have. But when Rik and Leslie can't save this..nothing can. It could with a little luck have been a good childrens movie though.

Behind Enemy Lines (2001)

Perfect if war ever break out in disneyland

[1/10 · 5 October 2002]

Ok..If you're one of those who just look at this film for the pure mindless entertainment it is, then I guess it's okay to like it.

I can do that with a lot of films, but this one really scares me. Don't worry I'm not a christian puritan or anything like that. More the oppocite..but I do have common sense. I really don't know where to begin, but first of all I've lost a LOT of respect for Gene Hackman. I thought he was a serious actor. The plot isn't even worth a mention here. Oh well..Ok, the first thought that really hit me after seeing this was that it had to be a movie made to make people join the army. But no, it probably haven't gone that far. But yes, after I talked to a friend that have been in the army over there, he could tell me that parts of it actually has been used in the US military's promo videoes. Unbelivable really, when they do almost every mistake they could do in that movie when it comes to military tactics and common sense. When you have a whole army looking for you, you don't go to the biggest clearing in the forest or sit on a big rock on a high mountain top. And you don't clear mines by walking up to them and shoot them with your gun standing 5 meters away. Those mines have a kill radius of 40-50 meters..and the hero runs through probably the stupidest made mine field ever btw. He's at best 10 meters away from them, and runs through them all without even a scratch. Okay, this is nitpicking, but still a little serious when you think about it. There's just hundreds of stupid errors in this film and all to make war look like something cool. The ending just tops it all of course. This film is mindnumbingly stupid and for those who wants to join the army after seeing it...well you will never read this, so you'll probably die a horrible death anyway. It scares me really to see how many people think this movie is soo cool. It's the perfect propaganda machine really...perfect.