Bernnard_Black Reviews

Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

So much wrong with this that didn't need to be

[4/10 · 20 April 2021]

I sometimes think screenwriting has become a job for the lowest common denominator; you know, those folks who make all D's in college or something.

This movie had a lot going for it before it ever started. Two huge properties, and a movie monster rematch that's been discussed since the 2014 Godzilla film came out. The technology for effects is there to make a movie that would look amazing. Really; everything you need is there.

So why mess it all up?!

I barely know where to start, but 90% of the problems are down to the shockingly bad script. The story is bafflingly stupid. Even for a movie trying to re-create the feel of the old 60's Godzilla movies, this was just stupid.

For example. Kong lives on Skull Island. We've known that since the Kong: Skull Island film. It's his home; he's a giant gorilla who can't swim so he's not going anywhere. But for some reason Monarch built a giant holographic containment dome around him? And expects him NOT to know? Why? IT'S AN ISLAND! He can't leave, so what's the point of the damn dome? And what happened to the indigenous people there? They're all gone but one little girl who is deaf and taught Kong sign language without anyone knowing; what happened to them?

So they decide that Kong can lead them to the hollow earth to find some magical energy source they think is there. And the only entrance is in Antarctica. Why? If the earth is hollow and we've seen Skull Crawlers come up from there in K:SI, why is the only entrance in Antartica?

They're afraid to move Kong or Godzilla will know and come kill him. How would he know? Does Kong have an ankle monitor that alerts Godzilla if he leaves? And if Godzilla hates him that much that he'll kill him if he finds him, why not just go to Skull Island? He's Godzilla; he can easily reach the island and come onshore.

Next they airlift Kong to Antarctica, where the kid convinces him to go down into the hollow earth so they can follow...because apparently he knows how to get there, but they can't follow a tunnel without him.

In the meantime, a couple of kids (Madison from the last film, included surely for star power and nothing else) and a podcaster sneak into the base that Godzilla took out and get on a magical underground bullet train that sends stuff from Florida to Hong Kong. Underground. In like, warp speeds. Underground. UNDER. GROUND. From Florida to Hong Kong. What. The. Hell.

The expedition team follow Kong in what are essentially space ships, because reasons. And the hollow earth looks a lot like regular earth. So...where's the sun? How do plants grow here? There's lots of light; where does it come from?

So Kong heads to a mountain, and it has doors on it. No joke; giant doors. He opens the doors into a no-joke throne room. With statues of others of his kind, and an actual throne. Who made all this? Are we to believe Kong's species make furniture and doors now? Seriously?

Godzilla finds out Kong is down there someway, and in one of the most ridiculous bits of the movie (in a movie already filled with ridiculous stuff) Godzilla uses his atomic breath to burn a hole from Hong Kong to the center of the earth. No kidding. And he does this in seconds.

Kong uses the hole to to get back to the surface, where he fights Godzilla with his magic axe he picked up. In the meantime, the Apex folks who went on the mission send the energy signature to Apex headquarters (that's some kick-ass Wi-Fi right there) and Apex uses this to power up their Mecha-Godzilla. Don't even need the actual energy source; just the signature, which they can process into actual energy in about 20 seconds. No, I'm not joking, this actually happened.

Kong and Godzilla beat on each other, and the fighting is good. But it's also a bit flaw in the film that makes me yearn for the 2014 one; the laws of physics appear not to apply here. Kong can jump on buildings, hang on them, climb on them, etc. He HAS to weight thousands of tons. Tens of thousands. So it takes you right out of the movie, because he shouldn't be able to climb buildings like that. It's ridiculous.

Apex powers up their Mecha-Godzilla, which is controlled by - wait for it - the skull of Ghidora with a pilot. Somehow sticking wires into a skull makes it a living computer? Even though there's no brain left? Just the skull? But whatever. Bottom line, now that they have enough energy to power the mecha, it...snaps? Goes insane? Becomes controlled by Ghidora's skull? I don't know, because it's never said, but it comes alive on it's own and goes nuts and attacks Godzilla, and beats him up. Kong is convinced by the kid to help, and predictably he and Godzilla kill Mecha-Godzilla and part ways as monster friends.

I think that's my problem. This didn't need to be so stupid. There was no need for the whole kid subplot. There was no need for the hollow earth story and magical energy source. All you needed was the basics; that Apex was building a Mecha-Godzilla using DNA from the Ghidora head from the last film and Godzilla didn't like it. Monarch brings Kong to stop Godzilla because they don't know this. Let them fight, let Mecha-Godzilla go nuts and attack because of faulty programming, and there you go. Tone down the stupid physics, and you'd have a better, smarter film. But for some reason, we have to have kids to save the day. We have to have an inane plotline with Kong having a throne room, because he's King Kong, after all, and we need to shove that down everyone's throat in case the audience is too stupid to know it.

Could really have been good. I'd like to see a fan edit of that that cuts out the more ridiculous parts. Other than that, it's not worth a re-watch.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

Finally, a Star Wars prequel worth of the name

[10/10 · 11 May 2017]

So I grew up with Star Wars. I was a kid when the original came out, and I loved it from the start. And each following movie was great in their own way, concluding with Return of the Jedi. The movies had the "magic" for lack of a better word; they had the right blend of likable characters, compelling stories, drama, and humor that make a movie great.

And then came the prequels...

The Star Wars prequels are basically proof that Lucas forgot how to tell his own story. Instead of using dazzling effects to help tell a story, he wrote a story that would showcase his effects. Flat characters, a plot line that was an uninspired confusing mess, and truly horrific direction. For many, Star Wars died with the prequels...especially after the beloved originals were edited for the umpteenth time and the theatrical releases basically impossible to get.

So when Rogue One came along, I was hesitant. The story was intriguing; always wondered how the Rebels got the plans for the Death Star. And hey, Vader was back, and Tarkin, and that was something I really wanted to see. I was a bit worried about the director; Edwards has talent and tells a visual story really well, but his "people" stories are often lacking and can be flat; just watch 2014's Godzilla, and you'll see what I mean.

But wow, was I pleasantly surprised at this movie! It has all the things that made Star Wars so great in the first place. The story is simple, yet compelling and above all LOGICAL; none of this bizarre non-sensical plot lines from the prequel trilogy. The story made sense from start to finish, and that was a huge plus.

The characters are likable, as well, though you know if you've seen the original that things can't end well for them. The blend of drama and humor is spot on, with the humor largely provided by the voice talents of Alan Tudyk as K2SO, a snarky droid.

And as any Star Wars movie has, the effects were eye-popping. And I don't just mean the space battles and such; while excellent (and this is where Edwards can really shine), they were not the most amazing thing about it. No, that goes to the extremely clever way that characters from A New Hope were fit into this film in a seamless way. First you have Tarkin. Played in the original by Peter Cushing, the idea that he would be back bothered many fans; that's a guy you just don't recast. But with advances in computer tech, and using a good actor to play the part, Tarkin was back and bigger than life. He even has a bigger role than in the original, and unless you knew Cushing was dead you'd never know it wasn't him on the screen. It's nearly flawless, how it was done. And other characters were brought back as well; Red and Gold leader from A New Hope were in the film, too, by the simple trick of using unused footage from the original to get them in the story. It really helped make the film "feel" like it was happening at the same basic time as the original.

The attention to detail was impressive as well. Vader has the same costume as his original; it's not as advanced and "shiny" as his outfits from Empire or Jedi. The storm troopers and Rebel fleet troopers have on the same outfits as in A New Hope; indeed, some actually ARE the same costumes, pulled from storage. Everything looks and feels right, and that's a huge plus for the film.

And while one iconic part of Star Wars history wasn't involved - John Williams, the man behind the music - Michael Giacchino does a great job of putting his own twist on the classic themes of Star Wars while adding new ones of his own.

All in all, this was just a great movie. In many ways, it's not even really a Star Wars movie as much as it is a story like Where Eagles Dare or The Dirty Dozen that takes place in the Star Wars universe. But it's so well crafted and blends the surrounding story elements (from the cartoon series Rebels to the movies themselves) that it fits just fine even if it's not a classic Star Wars kind of story.

If you haven't seen it, and you didn't like the prequels or even The Force Awakens, give it a try. It just might be the movie you've been waiting for. It was for me, and I couldn't be happier with it.

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (2009) Season 8, Episode 20

Swing and a miss

[5/10 · 31 December 2009]

I had very high hopes for this episode, given the wonderful job Seth and the team did with Blue Harvest. Unfortunately, the seem to have lost sight of what they were doing and ended up with a product that felt rushed, and wasn't funny at all.

The first Star Wars Family Guy episode was for dedicated Star Wars geeks who enjoyed pointing out inconsistencies or flaws in Lucas' film. The gags in Blue Harvest were funny and relevant, from Stewie's questioning about the meter-wide exhaust port being a big flaw to Herbert's portrayal of Obi-Wan. The jokes were funny, because they lovingly picked on the original story.

The new episode isn't like that. Instead, you get what feels like The Empire Strikes Back done with Family Guy characters, with minimal changes to dialogue. The jokes are weirdly out of place, many just aren't funny at all, and they lack to satirical quality the jokes in Blue Harvest had. You get lames jokes like a guy on Hoth trying to give out bags of ice, or Peter inexplicably punching out Lois when she calls him a nerf-herder, claiming "that's our word." In short, this episode goes for shock effect to get it's gags - either from random violence and swearing to just out of place jokes - instead of good old satire like Blue Harvest did.

I hope the next will be better; God knows Lucas had enough bad material in Jedi for Seth and the team to work with, without resorting to mindless and out of place jokes to get laughs.

The Middle (2009–2018)

Heaton hits a home run

[9/10 · 11 October 2009]

Often times an actor or actress gets associated with an iconic role, a role they basically continue to play over and over, no matter what show or movie they're in. Happily, this is not the case for Patricia Heaton in her new show "The Middle". Her new character, while still a wife and mother of three, is much different than Debra Barone, the character she played for 9 years in "Everybody Loves Raymond."

In Debra, Heaton developed a character identified by her sharp, sarcastic wit, razor-sharp tongue, explosive temper, sexy appearance and a love-hate relationship with her husband and his family. Debra's problems were dealing with her passive-aggressive mother-in-law and her over-the-top intrusiveness, or the little "moral superiority" battles with Raymond. Because of this limited source for trouble and tension, the problems they had, while funny,were not down-to-earth, day-to-day problems most average families worry about.

In Frankie, Heaton has created a character who is more of a mother than a wife, and is on the same level as her husband instead of above him. That makes a huge difference in the tone of the show, and it's quite refreshing. The problems this family faces are problems most families can identify with, from struggling with bills and worrying about work to having a kid who just can't seem to get it together and find his or her place in the world. Frankie doesn't have time to worry about who didn't put up a suitcase or to fake a boob job to prove some minor point; she has to work together with her whole family just to get by. They face each crisis together, and sometimes have to settle for a less than optimal solution. But at the end of the day, they love and support each other in sweet, often surprisingly tender ways.

While not laugh out loud funny, the show has a sweetness and reality to it I find enjoyable. It has the same feel as old classic sitcoms from the 70's and early 80's, an era many consider to be the Golden Age of sitcom television. I think the biggest draw for me, though, is that I LIKE this family; I'd like to live next door to them, and get to know them. And really, can you say anything better about a show than that, that it makes a family so real and so genuine that you'd be happy to have them as neighbors? I hope the show continues and only gets better.

Monster Road (2004)

Oh, my God what a horror show!

[1/10 · 26 February 2005]

I was unfortunate enough to be exposed to this abomination at a film festival recently. I don't know who Bruce Bickford is, but somewhere, an asylum is missing an inmate. This guy's claymation art, while skillfully done and painstakingly detailed, is truly disturbing. The images are almost unbelievably violent and gory; little clay torture chambers, be-headings, disembowlings, and other atrocities are performed on the inhabitants of his claymation universe. God knows the stuff isn't suitable for kids, and even some adults would be turned off by the sheer enormity of his violent, surreal and grotesque work. On another level, the film is just plain, well, bad. A documentary is supposed to educate and inform; this film really does neither, and instead is a simple collection of "interviews" with Bickford in his home, expounding on matters metaphysical and real, all interspersed with snippets of his claymation films. I was left feeling that I knew little about Bruce Bickford, and didn't want to know more.

Battlestar Galactica (2003)

A refreshing surprise for the most part.

[10/10 · 9 December 2003]

What can you say? As a child of the 70's, watching Battlestar Galactica was just something you did. I had always liked the story; I just never really liked the way it was done. However, the new Battlestar Galactica is my kind of show! It has a truly military feel to it, and a much darker tone. It's slicker, smarter, and far more of a serious show than the first. The key here is that it's written as a drama in a sci-fi setting; not as some simple sci-fi of the month special. Adama feels like a commander in a way Lorne Green never did. The realism is impressive, and the situation tense. It's what a good sci fi movie SHOULD be. There are some problems, of course. While I have no objection to a female Starbuck, they might have toned it down a bit. The character is so in-your-face as to be almost painful. It's like someone is shaking you and saying "see, I'm a woman and I can be tough!!!" Some subtely would help. All in all, I really enjoyed it; if your a fan of the original, though, you might want to be prepared for some changes.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Not the movie it should have been

[10/10 · 20 January 2003]

Sigh. Since I was a kid, I've been waiting for someone to do a really great adaptation of the Lord of the Rings. When Fellowship of the Rings came out last year, I thought "this is it! Finally!" After seeing The Fellowship, I thought I was right...the movie I'd waited for was finally here. So, when I went to see The Two Towers, I was totally shocked and dissapointed to see such a poor adaptation...indeed, save the names of the characters and the places, it has virtually nothing in common with the story JRR Tolkein wrote.

Now, I know that certain liberties have to be taken with a book in order to make it a film...that's part of the territory and I accept it. But the rampant, wholesale changes made to key characters and plot elements in this film seem the work of someone that never even read the books, and has no respect for the story. Major characters were completely and utterly changed...not just little changes, but changes that were core to their development. Faramir, the noble brother of Boromir, is painted as little better than his brother. In fact, the whole capture of Frodo and Sam and the forcing of them to go to Minis Tirith is in direct contrast with his actions in the book. His nobility is gone, and for no discernable reason. The same can be said of King Theoden, who turns out to be an indecisive, weak and fearfull old man. Not so in the books, and again, there seems to be no real reason for the change. Worse still, the ents were changed, only attacking Isengard after being tricked by Merry and Pippin.

These changes to major characters, in my opinion, hurts the story for no apparent gain. Tolkein fans will be dissapointed to see these changes, and will wonder "why" just like I did. The movie is visually stunning, and is entertaining. But it's typical Hollywood, glamor and glitz effects entertainment, with a weak story and less than inspried acting on most parts.

Now, that being said, if there is ever going to be an Oscar given to a digital character, Gollum is that character. The Gollum in the movie is stunning...his debates with himself are the high point of the film, and truly inspired. This fact makes it all the more depressing that the director, who was able to create Gollum in such a convincing way, botched the rest of the film so badly.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Better than the first, but something is missing...

[19 November 2002]

Let me say first that I enjoyed this movie immensly, even more than the first. The acting is better this time, and you can tell that Radcliffe, Grint and Watson are much more comfortable in their roles. The adult actors are excellent as well, and the story flows smoothly enough that those not familiar with the book can still follow it closely enough. The problem is that the story isn't just told...it's driven down your throat.

There is little to no room for exploration in this movie...the entire thing paces itself on getting the story out, and that's about all. A good example is the lip service paid to Lockheart; in the book, he's a constant presence, always annoying the teachers and students with his posturing. In this movie, he's there, and that's just about all. Oh, some key scenes remain; the book store, the first class with the pixies, and the disastrous dueling classes. But it's a half-hearted attempt at these sequences, almost as if the director tossed them in and then checked them off on a list. The extreme distaste of the other teachers for Lockheart is completely missing, and it makes his character weaker than it should be.

The adult actors are excellent as always, though underrepresented. Alan Rickman makes a few brief appearances, as does Richard Harris and Robbie Coletrane. Important scenes are there, but underscored in the attempt to get the entire story told. So, while you get the story, it's much less flavorfull than in the first movie, or in the book.

A few gaffs in the storytelling are evident, as well, with some very key scenes from the book taken out. One of these, and the most important, is the scene in Knockturn Alley where Harry sees the family Malfoy selling dangerous and illegal magic items to avoid an inquest from the Ministry of Magic. Without this key sequence, you have no reason to have Harry appear there at all...it's just dead space. Another is the scene where Uncle Vernon finds that Harry is not allowed to use magic at home, and so traps him there, leading the Weasley's to come get him out.

All in all, the movie was great. A nice return to Hogwarts and Harry's world, but I do wish it had the sarcasm, wit and flavor of the book.

The Shield (2002–2008)

Not for the squeamish

[9/10 · 10 April 2002]

If you don't like the idea of gritty, harsh television, then The Shield just isn't for you. It's an excellent show, and one of the very few I actually watch on a regular basis. Like any other show, it will need some time to "season" itself, but I think that The Shield has the potential to be a really fantastic program. The premise of it having a truly dirty cop as the main character is great...no mere "Dirty" Harry Calahan here. This guy kills double agent cops, steals drugs to finance his retirement, and works with drug dealers to get info and wipe out competitors. Strangely, though, he does it for the right reasons...to make the streets safer for everyone. He just goes about it in a really unorthodox and immoral way. Watch the show, see what it's like, and chances are you'll be pleased.