KiNG_of_AsSaSsiNs Reviews

Superman Returns (2006)

Superman didn't need to return if this is the result

[3/10 · 29 June 2006]

There are so many things wrong I don't know where to start.

The pacing of the film...there's no flow to it. The first hour feels rushed. There's no time given to anything. The movie just jumps back and forth between Luthor's plan (I'll get to how ridiculous that was later) and little moments that don't amount to much. Clark makes a cameo on the farm, has a few lines of pitiful dialogue with his mother (terribly acted by the way), has a little flashback to his youth and the next thing you know the guy is back in Metropolis and gets his job back in a throw-away line. Even the first action scene is rushed. Supes has been gone for almost two decades so you would think the first shirt rip and "welcome back" would be iconic along with the music. It's not. It's a half second shirt rip and the next thing you know we have a pilot saying "we have an unidentified bogey coming". I thought the clips online were edited but it turns out they're not. It's those little things that irritated the hell out of me.

The musical score. This score (specifically the choir) just beats you over the head. You would think something epic was happening on screen when the choir kicked in but more often than not there wasn't and it made me chuckle to myself a couple of times. It was like the music was trying to make the action scenes more than they really were.

And speaking of the action....repetitive comes to mind. There's only so many times I can watch Superman catch or lift something before it starts to get stale. As the movie goes on he lifts heavier objects...great. I swear I almost think they repeated him catching some guy in the movie. The very hyped plane rescue was underwhelming to say the least. Honestly, most of the clips online are just about the entire sequence. I heard this scene was supposed to be 10+ minutes. Felt more like around 3 minutes. Most of the footage during that sequence is Lois and passengers bouncing around the plane. And then on top of that they have to ruin that scene with a line Christopher Reeve said 10x better.

Also this felt more like a natural disaster flick than a Superman movie. Those little crystals sure do cause plenty of trouble. There are more "tremor" scenes in Superman Returns than the Jurassic Park movies combined. You always know when something big was going to happen because you would see a closeup of a pencil holder or some random object shaking on the desk ad nauseum. The 3rd or 4th time I saw it (I seriously lost count) I was almost tempted to leave. I honestly couldn't believe the mediocrity I was watching.

Which leads me to Luthor's plan. One of the worst plans I've ever seen in a comic movie (topping Ra's magic microwave in Batman Begins). The bad part of this plan is it takes up so much of the damn movie. From the start this plan gets a lot of attention and it goes NOWHERE. By the time the third act rolls around (after Lex has executed his little plan) and you see Lex, Kitty and his henchmen sitting around on this desolate rock looking bored I wonder what the hell it was all for. They couldn't come up with anything better than this? The performances....

Superman/Clark Kent - The performance of Routh was underwhelming and I can't blame him. I blame the writers. Routh is given absolutely nothing to say as Superman or Clark Kent. He's just THERE. If the guy isn't staring or lifting something he's non-existent. Maybe they decided he couldn't act and scrapped his lines...I don't know. Anyway, how am I supposed to care for him? Lines like "Bye Lois", "I'm always around" is not what I call character building.

Lois Lane - She's given plenty to say...but her character was so cold throughout the whole film I honestly didn't give a damn about her either. She just has a bitchy look about her that I couldn't warm up to. Her chemistry with Superman is nowhere to be seen. The only reason I can see Superman and Lois have a romantic history is because of the past movies.

Lex Luthor - Spacey sleptwalk through this movie...maybe because he can play this kind of character in his sleep. After all the (camp or menace) threads it turns out Lex is basically the same as Hackman. He has his Ms. Tesmacher 2.0, same wigs, same plan. The only difference is he gets his licks in on Superman. Their little showdown was a VERY underwhelming scene mainly because Superman stands there like a statue and says NOTHING before getting his ass kicked.

This post is getting long in the tooth so I'll just say the rest of the cast was adequate.

As far as the big revelation with the kid goes....I was so disgusted with S:R by the time it happened that I really just didn't care anymore.

Overall I would say this movie is a colossal failure on all levels.

The only good thing I can say about Superman Returns is some scenes were very pretty to look at. That's about it.

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

If you aren't going to try for a decent movie, don't do it at all

[2/10 · 15 August 2004]

I'm an advocate of doing things right. If you're going to half ass it then just don't do it at all. And Fox really just half-assed this movie. Starting with hiring one of the worst directors out there, some no talented actors and actresses, and not giving a damn about two decent franchises.

I mean this isn't Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th here. Those franchises were garbage and New Line knew it so it was easy for that studio to keep the low standard by getting a hack director and crappy actors. The Aliens and Predator franchises actually were decent and had some respect so I have no idea why Fox treated them like they were on the Jason/Freddy level.

AvP failed on every damn level and that's hard to do with a typical summer popcorn movie. I honestly could have lived with the sub-par acting, story and dialogue if the action had lived up to the billing. But somehow the movie even managed to f**k that up. What the hell is up with all the close-ups, crappy editing and shaky camera work? You can barely make out what's going on half the time that I honestly stopped caring. Does ANYONE know how to edit a simple action scene anymore? First Bourne Supremacy, now this s**t.

And the Predators themselves are so freakin slow and not at all Predator-like. They can't fight at all in this movie and the Aliens own their asses. Yeah they're supposed to be young Predators (a lame cop-out to make them half-assed) but aren't these creatures supposed to be bred as stealthy, intelligent, killing machines? Since when are they all fat and pudgy lumbering around like Robocop? They actually get out-classed by a human woman. And don't get me started on the human/Predator team-up. Did they forget Predators make trophies of the humans? I (and a lot of the audience) sneered at the screen when they were running together in slo-mo. It was the single-most dumbest thing they could have done to The Predator mythos and took my feeling of dislike to downright hatred of this flick. I could type a novel of things wrong with this movie so I'll just stop here.

No matter how many lame references of the Alien franchise they try to throw in there to please the fans (Lance Henriksen comes to mind) the execution of this movie was straight up garbage. It appeals to 10-15 year olds and that's probably why they lowered the rating. So here's a middle finger to Fox for taking what could have been a jumpstart for both franchises to just another cheap piece of s**t movie made for a quick buck.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

What a waste

[3/10 · 6 November 2003]

This movie has cardboard characters you could give a damn about, including an obvious Vasquez rip off from Aliens. Do the filmmakers actually expect me to care about any simple character they just throw in the mix? Am I supposed to care if these people in Zion are in danger or if they all died? I don't even know them and worst of all they're some of the most annoying and cliched characters I've ever seen.

Characters introduced in Reloaded were dismissed after a couple of scenes. And the worst part of all...Neo, Trinity and Morpheus are guest stars in their own movie. Morpheus got the worst of it. He's been reduced to a bum that's taking orders from Niobe. What happened to that strong leader we knew throughout the series? He's a punk in this movie. He doesn't take charge on anything.

Rehashed/overkill action sequences. The first action piece at Club Hell is nothing more than the lobby shootout from the first Matrix with people running on the ceiling. Why do they run on the ceiling? Hell if I know. I guess someone didn't tell these guys bullets still hit you even if you're upside down. And someone get Trinity some new moves, her stuff was played out after Reloaded. The Zion battle looked pretty for 2 minutes, after that it all looked the same. Superbrawl, same deal...I thought the sound effects were more interesting than anything on screen. And with Neo and Smith both wearing black the flying scenes didn't have much impact with the sky also being black. They blended right in so you could barely see them.

Some of the most long winded scenes I've seen in awhile that prompted jeers from the audience. Trinity's death went so long I almost thought it was a spoof. And some of the dialogue was cringe-worthy..."Neo, I believe!!" Ugh.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

2 strikes

[2/10 · 18 May 2002]

I've never had a problem with CGI before but after watching Star Wars I feel like the movie beat me over the head with it and then shoved it down my throat. This movie is just a training exercise for CGI students. The character development? Who cares? I mean who can you actually care for in this movie? The dialogue? Horrible. Serious scenes brought tons of laughter from the crowd. And people were nearly falling out in the aisles during Anakin's bad dream sequence from laughing so hard. I guess they needed something to laugh at because this was the most boring, tedious attempt at a storyline ever.

How did the love story end up?

Anakin - "I killed not only the men but the women and children as well...I hate them all".

Padme - "OK let's get married...fa la la la la".

Lucas spent all his time and energy on a visual accomplishment and forgot that he actually had to tell an interesting story. That was not Star Wars I saw. It was Starship Troopers, 5th Element, Gladiator, and Blade Runner re-mixed with a weak Titanic love story. Lucas slapped a Star Wars label on this mess and the Star Wars fans are eating it up just like they did Phantom Menace. The action had such little payoff after that long, boring setup that came before it. The Gladiator-ish battle was just a repetitive mess of Jedi slaughtering droids over and over and over...and then some more. Yoda's duel in the end gave me goosebumps but it's over before it even gets started and 2 minutes of Yoda fighting is not worth it.

One of the great things about the original trilogy of Star Wars was the characters and story came before the effects...the effects were just there to serve the story. In Attack of the Clones the special effects ARE the story. The characters are there to say their forgettable lines and be a backdrop for Lucas's CGI show which looked more like a cartoon as the movie went on. Nothing in that arena battle looked believable. The CGI was so obvious it just took me out of the movie. And losing interest in this movie was too easy. Like I said before, I didn't care for any of the characters so there's no danger factor or excitement factor here. The only saving grace I can take from these new Star Wars movies is it just making me appreciate the original trilogy more and more for how great those movies truly are.

The One (2001)

Non-stop action

[6/10 · 29 October 2001]

I really liked The One for the action alone. It's only about 85 minutes long so don't expect a riveting story or some intricate plot because it's not there. The movie establishes its purpose in the beginning and that's pretty much it...no twists, no new discoveries, no heart-warming scenes that's gonna make you care for anyone. The movie is wall to wall action and rarely stops. This is a straight up action film with a sci-fi setting. It's science fiction without the science..Demolition Man style with with martial arts thrown in. Jet Li plays both the good guy and the villain and his villain role steals the show until the final fight scene. The Jet vs. Jet fight scene is amazing and shows that Jet is the man when it comes to martial arts and what he does can't be imitated. "good" Jet's BaGua Zhang fist style is beautiful for lack of a better term. "bad" Jet's Xinyi style is very brutal so it's not really graceful, just straight forward attack. Honestly it made the Matrix fight scenes look silly by comparison.

The wife and multiverse cop characters could have been developed better but they served their purpose. The movie certainly could have been longer and the soundtrack works in some parts and not in others...too much alternative for my taste. Those are the only problems I have with The One. It leaves you wanting more. If it's a box office hit it definitely has room for a sequel. Overall I thought it was a good movie for eye candy and action/martial arts junkies.