Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates Tattaglia (2008)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Ms. Morello : [to Chris]  So, what can I do for you?

  Chris : I need to change homerooms.

  Ms. Morello : Oh, what's the problem?

  Chris : Mr. Thurman hates me.

  Narrator : Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.

• Chris : [to Greg]  Is that coat the attire for the Bronx Academy?

  Greg Wuliger : Man, you wouldn't believe it. I found the one place on Earth where I'm not a nerd.

  Chris : Where, in that coat?

  Greg Wuliger : The Bronx Academy. I'm the only one coming from a public school. I'm like the toughest kid there. Everyone's scared of me.

  Chris : Scared of you or scared of that coat?

  Narrator : This was the first time Greg scared anyone outside of a spelling bee.

• Narrator : Greg was like an ATM machine with acne.

• Rochelle : I don't want Tonya working. She's still a little girl.

  Julius : This will be good for her. She'll be learning responsibility and plus, she'll be making a little money.

  Narrator : What he really meant was...

  Julius : She'll be making money, she'll be making money, she'll be making money and she'll be making money!

• Ms. Morello : Oh, my God! Chris!

  Narrator : It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.

• Ms. Morello : [to Chris]  If you can find a black friend or a group of people that you can fit in with that aren't all white, I'll put you in a new homeroom.

  Chris : Serious?

  Ms. Morello : As a heart attack.

  Narrator : If I'm lucky, maybe you'll have one before me.

• Gloria : Vanessa, you need to talk to that little girl. You think I don't know I got a mole?

  Narrator : Holy moley!

  Gloria : I know I got a mole.

  Narrator : Does your mole know about your mustache?

• Narrator : Football team manager was a horrible job, but if it was going to get me away from Mr. Thurman, I'd work for the devil himself.

  Thurman : What's going on out here?

  Chris : You're the coach?

  Narrator : Make that the white devil himself.

• Thurman : [to Chris]  I guess you're just going to black your way through life. Is that right? It didn't work for Jesse Jackson and it's not going to work for you.

  Narrator : Actually, it worked for both of us.

• Vanessa : [to Rochelle]  You gotta fire Tonya.

  Rochelle : Vanessa, let me talk to her first.

  Vanessa : Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losing more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

  Narrator : Ah salaam a lick 'em!

  Vanessa : She broke up two marriages, she outed Jerome's uncle and she told Gloria about her mole.

  Rochelle : She told Gloria about her mole?

  Narrator : Oh, Lord! Not the mole!

• Tonya : I'm fired? How come? I swept up all the hair, I cleaned out the shampoo bowls, I even picked up those nasty toenail clippings.

  Rochelle : It's not that, Tonya. You know how I told you that women need to be able to say anything in the beauty salon?

  Tonya : Yes.

  Rochelle : Well, baby, there is a difference between saying anything and saying everything.

  Tonya : So I'm getting fired for being honest?

  Narrator : It happened to Don Imus. It could happen to you.

  Rochelle : I'm sorry, but yes.

  Tonya : You know what? I don't need this mess! My father has two jobs!

  [walks out of the salon] 

  Narrator : Deja vu. My mother would have snatched the naps out of Tonya's head, but at that moment, she was just too proud.

• Narrator : [when Chris is put into a rowdy classroom]  We needed Morgan Freeman with a bat!