- Ms. Morello: [to Chris] So, what can I do for you?
- Chris: I need to change homerooms.
- Ms. Morello: Oh, what's the problem?
- Chris: Mr. Thurman hates me.
- Narrator: Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.
- Chris: [to Greg] All the white people think I look like every black person on Earth. I could go to jail for anything from a parking ticket to throwing little Baby Jessica down the well.
- Greg Wuliger: Dude, that didn't even happen yet.
- Chris: I'm just saying.
- Chris: [to Greg] Is that coat the attire for the Bronx Academy?
- Greg Wuliger: Man, you wouldn't believe it. I found the one place on Earth where I'm not a nerd.
- Chris: Where, in that coat?
- Greg Wuliger: The Bronx Academy. I'm the only one coming from a public school. I'm like the toughest kid there. Everyone's scared of me.
- Chris: Scared of you or scared of that coat?
- Narrator: This was the first time Greg scared anyone outside of a spelling bee.
- Rochelle: I don't want Tonya working. She's still a little girl.
- Julius: This will be good for her. She'll be learning responsibility and plus, she'll be making a little money.
- Narrator: What he really meant was...
- Julius: She'll be making money, she'll be making money, she'll be making money and she'll be making money!
- Ms. Morello: [to Chris] If you can find a black friend or a group of people that you can fit in with that aren't all white, I'll put you in a new homeroom.
- Chris: Serious?
- Ms. Morello: As a heart attack.
- Narrator: If I'm lucky, maybe you'll have one before me.
- Vanessa: [to Rochelle] You gotta fire Tonya.
- Rochelle: Vanessa, let me talk to her first.
- Vanessa: Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losing more customers than a Muslim rib shack.
- Narrator: Ah salaam a lick 'em!
- Vanessa: She broke up two marriages, she outed Jerome's uncle and she told Gloria about her mole.
- Rochelle: She told Gloria about her mole?
- Narrator: Oh, Lord! Not the mole!
- Tonya: I'm fired? How come? I swept up all the hair, I cleaned out the shampoo bowls, I even picked up those nasty toenail clippings.
- Rochelle: It's not that, Tonya. You know how I told you that women need to be able to say anything in the beauty salon?
- Tonya: Yes.
- Rochelle: Well, baby, there is a difference between saying anything and saying everything.
- Tonya: So I'm getting fired for being honest?
- Narrator: It happened to Don Imus. It could happen to you.
- Rochelle: I'm sorry, but yes.
- Tonya: You know what? I don't need this mess! My father has two jobs!
- [walks out of the salon]
- Narrator: Deja vu. My mother would have snatched the naps out of Tonya's head, but at that moment, she was just too proud.
- Chris: [after Caruso knocks Chris down] Caruso? What are you doing here?
- Caruso: I'm knocking you on the floor, Bumpy. What's it look like? There's so many blacks here now, I almost didn't recognize you.
- Chris: Well, feel free to punch one of them.
- Caruso: That's okay, but thanks for the offer. Welcome to Tattaglia.