Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Erin Fitzpatrick : Hey! Car drive not work me, everything think that solves you?

  Christopher Titus : Something from me hiding you are?

  [neutral space] 

  Christopher Titus : Erin and I have been together almost three years and I have learned her tells. When she's lying, words mouth from her flow not good.

• Christopher Titus : Erin!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Tommy!

  Tommy Shafter : Erin!

  Christopher Titus : Tommy!

  Tommy Shafter : Erin!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Tommy!

  Dave Titus : Dave!

  Christopher Titus , Erin Fitzpatrick , Tommy Shafter : Dave!

  Dave Titus : Thank you.

• Christopher Titus : Dad, you know, she can't work in a place like that. You should've done something.

  Ken Titus : All right, how much?

  Christopher Titus : Something. Anything. Just get her the hell outta there.

  Ken Titus : Numbnuts. How much money do you want to keep her from working there?

  Christopher Titus : Numbnuts?

  Ken Titus : Erin is not gonna work in that bar. I don't wanna have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind.

  [opens his checkbook] 

  Ken Titus : Three grand?

  Christopher Titus : What?

  Ken Titus : Five grand?

  Christopher Titus : You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But, my girlfriend makes you self-consious about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of a sudden you're willing to fork over five grand. Well you know something Dad? I'll take it!

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.

• Christopher Titus : Dad, you saw Erin working in a strip club? Well...

  [whimpers] 

  Christopher Titus : [offering Ken a screwdriver]  Gouge your eyes out.