Stacy Keach: Ken Titus

Quotes 

• Erin Fitzpatrick : You taught him how to swim by... *chucking* him in a lake! You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by... LETTING HIM STICK HIS FINGER IN A LIGHT SOCKET! You let a car *fall* on him. I still don't know what that taught him.

  Ken Titus : Cars are heavy.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Everybody *knows* that!

  Ken Titus : So does he, thanks to me!

• Ken Titus : Tommy's not a fruit, but he hangs out in the orchard.

• Ken Titus : I've loved a lot of women. But Erin is the only woman I ever *liked*. She broke her leg not running from a burglar but chasing one. She's a keeper. Someone you can spend six or seven years of your life with.

• [first lines] 

  Ken Titus : That was not my fault. When something goes wrong people blame the parent. Well, that's crap. A bad father lets his son be a wussy. Oh, Johnny got a boo-boo ? Well, let me buy you some panties.

• Ken Titus : You get married, you have a kid, you sleep around on the mother of that kid. It's in the Bible. And just like Moses' mom, that bitch sent my kid off to live with his grandparents in Detroit! All the while drinking up my child support checks! And nobody drinks on my money but me! And nobody raises my kid but me.

• Ken Titus : [on a plane to Detroit]  That's how I'm kidnapping my little boy. I dare those dumbass Michigan cops to try and catch me; I'm from California. So what do you do?

  District Attorney : I'm the Detroit metro district attorney.

  [cut to neutral space] 

  Ken Titus : Admitting a felony to the man who's gonna prosecute you makes your butt clench.

• Ken Titus : Okay, I was drinking a little. But I was kidnapping my kid! All right, I was drunk. It's not like I was flying the plane. Not that I didn't try.

• 5-Year-Old Titus : [flashback]  Daddy!

  Ken Titus : Hey, boy!

  5-Year-Old Titus : Grandma and grandpa say you're a whore loving drunk.

  Grandpa Lamb : No offense, but whoof!

  [waves his hand in front of his nose] 

  Ken Titus : I just want to take him out and buy him a toy.

  5-Year-Old Titus : The Hot Wheels Laguna Seca Raceway. They got...

  Ken Titus : [interrupting]  Yeah, I know what a toy is.

  [cut to neutral space] 

  Ken Titus : Toy, my ass. We've got a plane to catch.