Barney Miller (TV Series)
Middle Age (1979)
Steve Landesberg: Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich
Quotes
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Capt. Barney Miller : [Dietrich hands Barney an envelope] What's this?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Go ahead, open it.
Capt. Barney Miller : [Barney opens the envelope] Oh, you're having a party.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I know.
Capt. Barney Miller : Saturday, 8pm... black tie optional?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Most of the people will be wearing jeans. I just don't want to inhibit anyone sartorially.
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Richard Perito : You know, it's trite but it's true. The body is the house where the soul resides.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I don't believe I have a soul. You know somebody lookin' for a place?
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Officer Carl Levitt : Hey, I could take some of these adult games I have and bring them along.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : We're gonna be playing some. As each guest comes in, they draw from a hat the name of a 14th-century philosopher and assume his character. Then, by quoting various thoughts and phrases during the course of a normal conversation, each guest tries to guess the other's identity. You ever play that?
Officer Carl Levitt : I play Yahtzee.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey, uh, can I ask you a question?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Sure.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Thanks, you know a lot more facts than I do.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : That's a good way of phrasing it.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : What is?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : That I know a lot more facts. It doesn't imply that I'm any smarter than you, or that I have some sort of intrinsic intelligence that you don't have. It just means that because of my background in education, I just happen to have a few more bits of information available to remember, that's all.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Right.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : [looks at the bearded man in the station] Is that guy a Quaker?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : What are you, crazy?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : No, I just don't know.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : He's a Hasidic Jew.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Oh, right.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : There was another diamond robbery.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Well, you do know that the Hasidim have traditionally been a part of the diamond business in New York since the turn of the century?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : No, I didn't know that, either.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : What did the Rangers do last night?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : They won, 3 to 2.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Thanks.
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Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Occupation?
Richard Perito : Athlete, amateur. I want that specified: amateur athlete. Hm.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Do you have any traditional occupation as well, Mr. Perito?
Richard Perito : No, no. I used to, but it took too much time away from my training.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Alright, what are you training for, Mr. Perito?
Richard Perito : Isn't it obvious?
Richard Perito : Decathlon?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Mm-hmm, olympics.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : 1980?
Richard Perito : Mm-hmm, if I'm ready. Otherwise, 1984.
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Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : What's your age, Mr. Perito?
Richard Perito : 43. I'll save you the trouble, all right? I'm gonna be 45 for the '80 games; I'll be 49 in 1984. Ah, 'foolish', you're thinking! 'Oh yes, he's lost his mind, he's gone bananas!' Please save me the trouble, because I've heard it all of that before, all right?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : It never crossed my mind.
Richard Perito : Oh sure, sure!
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : There have been too many noteworthy accomplishments all over the world from people much older than you are.
Richard Perito : Yeah, yeah, that's true, but not too many people are aware of that, you know.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : That's right, I'll give you an example: Grandma Moses didn't begin painting until she was in her late 70s.
Richard Perito : Yeah, that's right.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Éamon de Valera was President of Ireland at the age of...
Richard Perito : 92, right?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Exactly, right.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : [imitating a Southern drawl] And then there's Senator Strom Thurmond.
Richard Perito : What?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : [normal voice] Fathered a child at the age of 74.
Richard Perito : Oh.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I guess his only abstentions have been on the floor of the Senate. That's political satire. You hear me?