Review of The Witcher

The Witcher (2019– )
3/10
How to squander a big opportunity in just five easy steps!
3 July 2023
As discerning readers of Andrzej Sapkowski's novels and players of CD Project Red's games will know, The Witcher universe is a rich and sprawling tapestry of interesting characters, deeply emotional plot lines, fantastic creatures and settings, and a uniquely Eastern-Eurpean-flavored take on the fantasy genre. It is an understatement to say that The Witcher-verse is a gold mine for an ambitious live-action show producer.

That also means it takes a special kind of talent to squander this potential in the way Lauren Schmidt Hissrich and her Sapkowski-hating writers managed to do. Following their five easy steps you too can become a failed show-runner, despised by fans across the world!

Step 1: Hire a popular lead actor that is very familiar with the source material. Then promise this actor and all the fans of the source material that you're working on a faithful adaptation of the stories they know and love, all while knowing that you intend to do no such thing. This step is important, because if you don't hype up fans of the original content, they won't be as massively disappointed when you inevitably fail to deliver. It is also important because your lead actor will feel that he has been suckered into a project under false pretenses, and when he tries to correct your flawed writing, you can then accuse him of being toxic towards the women in the workplace (They really did this. To Henry Cavill of all people).

Step 2: Hire writers that actively dislike the source material that your show is based on. This will ensure that your promise of a faithful adaptation cannot possibly be kept. It will also make them more likely to project their own views onto the stories, as required in step 4. (Again, they really did this).

Step 3: Whenever you deviate from the source material, do so in ways that don't add anything new or interesting to the story. Your mantra should be: "Replace the good with the bad". Related to this point, make sure that your deviations are also completely unnessecary - this will help the viewer feel confused about your "contributions" to the story.

Step 4: Shoe-horn as much of your own private politics into the show as possible. People hate being told what to think, so you must do so at every turn. The more your viewers are thinking about real-world politics and current events, the less they're concerned with immersing themselves into the world you're creating. If you can make it really obvious and jarring, they might not even be able to concentrate on the story at all! Win-Win-Win!

Step 5: Never listen to criticism, no matter how well reasoned or constructive it is. When disappointed fans criticize your first season, make sure you have a character breakt he 4th wall in the second season to directly berate and belittle those disappointed fans. When your now thoroughly disaffected lead actor tries to carry the show back on track, stand in his way and make is as difficult as possible for him. This way he will eventually give up and quit.

If you follow these five easy steps, you too can ruin a show, even if you have talented actors, directors, technical staff and tons of money at your disposal!
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