What can one write about "Assassins"? It's so bad, that almost every scene should be torn apart for its stupidity, yet the whole movie doesn't deserve 50 words of a review.
The story is much more simple, than it pretends to be. Two assassins are given the very same task by some mysterious employer. One of the killers suffers from "an old veteran willing to retire" cliché. The other hit-man however is "a young, flamboyant rookie" (doesn't this characterization recall a much better movie directed by Donner - "Lethal Weapon"?) Needless to say, those cardboard characters are gonna clash more than once and I'm sure you're dying to find out the final result.
The horrible script (filled with more then standard amount of clichés, plot holes, logical flaws and contempt for laws of physics) has pretty much given up any attempt at credibility in the first half an hour. The "evil" hit-man (Banderas) escapes arresting by police. He can be hiding anywhere. Yet our "hero" assassin (Stallone) only needs to steal a cab and wait for a passenger willing to reach an airport - miraculously he turns out to be Banderas. Coincidence of such proportions wouldn't a five-year-old, but it's good enough for those allegedly adult writers of "Assassins"
Who, one may ask, is given the questionable "credit" for writing this nonsense? Two names shouldn't come as a surprise - Andy and Larry Wachowski, two of the biggest hacks of modern cinema. After getting way too much praise for "Matrix", they thought every junk they produce, will spawn a similar religious following. It seems they were terrible writers before 1999, just not as self-indulgent.
A bit more surprising is the third name in the bunch - Brian Helgeland, the Academy Award winner for "L.A. Confidential". It's up to debate, how great the script for Curtis Hanson's noir film really was. Surely, a work of genius compared to "Assassins", though a rest of his career wouldn't prove such quality.
Obviously, a script this bad is still a pile of paper, which should never be brought to life. Who takes responsibility here? Surprisingly again, a few acclaimed names and (with exception of miscast Julianne Moore) experienced in making action films. Should we praise Stallone, Banderas or Donner for their mild "competence"? Or maybe we should mock them for embarrassing themselves. I didn't find their effort as a "saving grace" of this film, as much as a "fall from grace" for them.
To conclude, this way too long review - "Assassins" is an awful movie, which asks to be annihilated. Luckily, to accomplish this mission, you don't need to hire one or two killers. All you have to do is change the channel.
The story is much more simple, than it pretends to be. Two assassins are given the very same task by some mysterious employer. One of the killers suffers from "an old veteran willing to retire" cliché. The other hit-man however is "a young, flamboyant rookie" (doesn't this characterization recall a much better movie directed by Donner - "Lethal Weapon"?) Needless to say, those cardboard characters are gonna clash more than once and I'm sure you're dying to find out the final result.
The horrible script (filled with more then standard amount of clichés, plot holes, logical flaws and contempt for laws of physics) has pretty much given up any attempt at credibility in the first half an hour. The "evil" hit-man (Banderas) escapes arresting by police. He can be hiding anywhere. Yet our "hero" assassin (Stallone) only needs to steal a cab and wait for a passenger willing to reach an airport - miraculously he turns out to be Banderas. Coincidence of such proportions wouldn't a five-year-old, but it's good enough for those allegedly adult writers of "Assassins"
Who, one may ask, is given the questionable "credit" for writing this nonsense? Two names shouldn't come as a surprise - Andy and Larry Wachowski, two of the biggest hacks of modern cinema. After getting way too much praise for "Matrix", they thought every junk they produce, will spawn a similar religious following. It seems they were terrible writers before 1999, just not as self-indulgent.
A bit more surprising is the third name in the bunch - Brian Helgeland, the Academy Award winner for "L.A. Confidential". It's up to debate, how great the script for Curtis Hanson's noir film really was. Surely, a work of genius compared to "Assassins", though a rest of his career wouldn't prove such quality.
Obviously, a script this bad is still a pile of paper, which should never be brought to life. Who takes responsibility here? Surprisingly again, a few acclaimed names and (with exception of miscast Julianne Moore) experienced in making action films. Should we praise Stallone, Banderas or Donner for their mild "competence"? Or maybe we should mock them for embarrassing themselves. I didn't find their effort as a "saving grace" of this film, as much as a "fall from grace" for them.
To conclude, this way too long review - "Assassins" is an awful movie, which asks to be annihilated. Luckily, to accomplish this mission, you don't need to hire one or two killers. All you have to do is change the channel.