Review of Assassin

Assassin (2015 Video)
1/10
The very definition of 'contrived'.
18 March 2015
Danny Dyer plays a hit-man called 'Jamie'... alright, I suppose there must be some hit men in the world called 'Jamie' - but for conjuring up a hard man character, let's just call him 'Marion'.

Marion kills people. And looks very sleepy whilst he does it. He might be moody. He's possibly hung over. Who knows? He doesn't like talking much. Because he tells his 'bird' "I ain't one for talking" (or words to that effect. Presumably to add to his moodiness?) At one point, he senses imminent danger. How? A seagull flies overhead. Perhaps part of his moodiness is talking to animals and birds? Anyone, before this seagull can shout "Watch it you mugs!", a spray of bullets. And old Daniel's stood there like he's just remembered he's left his front door key at home.

Meanwhile, The not-really-the Krays Brothers seem to think they're in the British answer to Michael Mann's 'Heat'. Maybe even 'Leon'. Unfortunately they come across as two blokes in a self-build borrowed from Grand Designs.

Some scenes have bad audio. (For example, there's a 'confrontation' on a street at night. The ambiance would have you believe it was chucking out time on a Friday night - yet for all this drunken cavorting noise, there's hardly a person to be seen. Anywhere.) Some have bad camera work/direction. Every scene is poor translation of an even worse screenplay. Seriously: 'Marion' kills some bloke with a plastic bag (The police believe it's some nonce engaging in a bit of auto-erotic asphyxiation - and the way Dyer does it, it might as well be. And we know the police think he died due to auto-erotic asphyxiation because they tell us about 4 times).

Dead bag man turns out to be the dad of some topless dancer who Dyer takes home for a bit of how's one's father. I've lost count the number of times this has happened to me. Assassinate someone. Pick up a tart. Oh no: They're related.

And then the two brothers in the Grand Designs house start getting wobbly because SOMEONE might find out. But Dyer - the professional assassin that he is - can't kill the tart, because he's getting his leg over. (Presumably he's not had much recently) It's easy to poke at Dyer - he is miscast, relying on some 'smell the fart' acting, but he's not the weakest link here. The script is just a cut 'n paste from every crap gangster/hit-man movie there ever was. The direction, supporting cast... all not very good at all.
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