Hey girls of age twenty-seven to thirty! Remember during the late nineteen eighties when the boy band as an industry was emerging and you had New Kids on the Block and Brother Beyond and Then Jericho and stuff and Bros? Remember Bros? They asked regarding the time when they would in actual fact be famous...remember? Then they politely requested that people should stop referring to them as being below legal age in the song 'Drop the Boy'...remember that rubbish? And remember when they suggested to society in general that the best way to get rid of the so-called vermin problem affecting most inner city folks was to put 'A Cat amongst the pigeons?' Remember? I bet you do.
Well anyways Bros are back! In singular form! Which means that basically one of the brothers (and not the dark haired guy) has an acting career. I'm not sure if this one was the one that played the drums or the other one that sung like Alison Moyet with a throat infection (I'm betting the drummer) but they are represented here in this British horror film by at least one of them, unless they had come up with the ingenious idea of swapping places during the film, and splitting the cash, which is what identical twins do (they also share sexual partners. I know identical twins and they really do this). Anyways - Matt Goss has already appeared in Blade 2 (can't remember anything about it) and some TV programme called Frankenstein. I bet either of those weren't as bad as this! Cos this is a British horror film called Cold and Dark which takes the worst elements of gangster movies like Snatch and Tw*t and couples them with the worst points of horror movies like jump cuts, MTV editing, and gore for the sake of gore. I like gore, but it has to have some sort of purpose, angle, or stupidity. I hate it when gore is included for the sake of gore. It makes me want to vomit and then play with the vomit and then when my missus comes home from work I show her the vomit and ask to be rewarded for drawing a picture out of Greggs chicken sandwiches (half-digested) and milk.
Matt Gloss is a cop of the rough diamond ilk, which means he lives alone in his bath, has an Irish wolfhound and talks in a gruff manner that belies his actual more high-pitched speaking voice which in turn renders most of his dialogue inaudible. I thought there was something wrong with my television until I checked out the IMDb and found that others had the same problem. After about twenty minutes of this my brain started to translate these mumblings in order to construct some sort of understanding of the plot, but generated W S Burroughs style cut-ups like: "Half grain to Slo Mo. Been bent to arab until sock time." "Barouqe. Halo in derby scribe." "Ben beam. Garrote Charlie at half nine."
I better try to outline the plot here before I go on. The first twenty minutes were almost indecipherable to me and the missus. After some barely legible titles, Matt Goss mumbles something I couldn't quite hear about burying someone, then the film jumps between moments (shades of Shallow Grave here), then he's talking about his partner who 'always work alone', then more mumbling about refugee trafficking, then more nonsense. There were so many jump cuts at the start that I couldn't get a handle on what was going on. Everntually I figured out that the cops (Matt Goss (Inspector Dark) and his partner Some Guy (Inspector Shade)) were trying to uncover an illegal slave importing thing, and head off to the docks to check things out blah blah blah.
It isn't really worth telling. The cop that isn't Matt Goss is infected in a really confusing scene by a monster called The Grail and uses his monstrousness to kill all the bad folk, but in the end must be destroyed by Matt Toss cos he's evil or something. There is some gore but the whole plot is totally implausible and incomprehensible and so outlandish that I was compelled to turn it off but didn't.
Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame turns up near the end as a member of an obscure Paranormal branch of the Police and merely acts out one of his limited characters, this one being the old school British academic. It adds nothing to the film except a bit of exposition, and I can't believe that he delivered some of the lines he was given.
For example. Matt Dross becomes involved with a member of Internal Affairs. After a very confusing scene she ends up at his house with a head wound, and he whisks her off to hospital, where evil monster cop attacks. In the end it seems that Matt Floss is now the monster and he carries her body out into the night, where Matt Lucas and his fellow interal affairs guy witness them leaving (after calling for backup, which never appears). What follows is the diabolical dialogue they have to speak: Internal affairs guy: He doesn't have the authority to do that (watching Matt Moss carry the chick away) Matt Lucas: True, but he does have the power...
WHAT THE F*** DOES THAT MEAN? Matt Goss merely mumbles through the film, which confuses an already confused script, whereas the gore and the usual MTV style editing merely bursts your a** This is a lengthy review, but the missus summed it up nicely: 'That was f**king sh*te' she said.
Well anyways Bros are back! In singular form! Which means that basically one of the brothers (and not the dark haired guy) has an acting career. I'm not sure if this one was the one that played the drums or the other one that sung like Alison Moyet with a throat infection (I'm betting the drummer) but they are represented here in this British horror film by at least one of them, unless they had come up with the ingenious idea of swapping places during the film, and splitting the cash, which is what identical twins do (they also share sexual partners. I know identical twins and they really do this). Anyways - Matt Goss has already appeared in Blade 2 (can't remember anything about it) and some TV programme called Frankenstein. I bet either of those weren't as bad as this! Cos this is a British horror film called Cold and Dark which takes the worst elements of gangster movies like Snatch and Tw*t and couples them with the worst points of horror movies like jump cuts, MTV editing, and gore for the sake of gore. I like gore, but it has to have some sort of purpose, angle, or stupidity. I hate it when gore is included for the sake of gore. It makes me want to vomit and then play with the vomit and then when my missus comes home from work I show her the vomit and ask to be rewarded for drawing a picture out of Greggs chicken sandwiches (half-digested) and milk.
Matt Gloss is a cop of the rough diamond ilk, which means he lives alone in his bath, has an Irish wolfhound and talks in a gruff manner that belies his actual more high-pitched speaking voice which in turn renders most of his dialogue inaudible. I thought there was something wrong with my television until I checked out the IMDb and found that others had the same problem. After about twenty minutes of this my brain started to translate these mumblings in order to construct some sort of understanding of the plot, but generated W S Burroughs style cut-ups like: "Half grain to Slo Mo. Been bent to arab until sock time." "Barouqe. Halo in derby scribe." "Ben beam. Garrote Charlie at half nine."
I better try to outline the plot here before I go on. The first twenty minutes were almost indecipherable to me and the missus. After some barely legible titles, Matt Goss mumbles something I couldn't quite hear about burying someone, then the film jumps between moments (shades of Shallow Grave here), then he's talking about his partner who 'always work alone', then more mumbling about refugee trafficking, then more nonsense. There were so many jump cuts at the start that I couldn't get a handle on what was going on. Everntually I figured out that the cops (Matt Goss (Inspector Dark) and his partner Some Guy (Inspector Shade)) were trying to uncover an illegal slave importing thing, and head off to the docks to check things out blah blah blah.
It isn't really worth telling. The cop that isn't Matt Goss is infected in a really confusing scene by a monster called The Grail and uses his monstrousness to kill all the bad folk, but in the end must be destroyed by Matt Toss cos he's evil or something. There is some gore but the whole plot is totally implausible and incomprehensible and so outlandish that I was compelled to turn it off but didn't.
Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame turns up near the end as a member of an obscure Paranormal branch of the Police and merely acts out one of his limited characters, this one being the old school British academic. It adds nothing to the film except a bit of exposition, and I can't believe that he delivered some of the lines he was given.
For example. Matt Dross becomes involved with a member of Internal Affairs. After a very confusing scene she ends up at his house with a head wound, and he whisks her off to hospital, where evil monster cop attacks. In the end it seems that Matt Floss is now the monster and he carries her body out into the night, where Matt Lucas and his fellow interal affairs guy witness them leaving (after calling for backup, which never appears). What follows is the diabolical dialogue they have to speak: Internal affairs guy: He doesn't have the authority to do that (watching Matt Moss carry the chick away) Matt Lucas: True, but he does have the power...
WHAT THE F*** DOES THAT MEAN? Matt Goss merely mumbles through the film, which confuses an already confused script, whereas the gore and the usual MTV style editing merely bursts your a** This is a lengthy review, but the missus summed it up nicely: 'That was f**king sh*te' she said.