Review of Train

Train (I) (2008)
1/10
Jane stop this crazy thing
6 February 2010
A group of American high-school wrestlers in Eastern Europe decide to sneak out from their hotel for the night to go to a rave thus missing their train. They have to take a train suggested by a shady lady instead (because the coach nor any of the students, in typical movie 'ugly American' cliché, speak a lick of Russian any the foreign lady speaks fluent English). Oh and the people who reside in the train in question slaughter stupid Americans.

Originally planned as a remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis-starring minor cult classic '80's film "Terror Train", I shudder to think how mind-numbingly atrocious that would have been because what it morphed into ("Hostel" on a train) is so sheerly incompetent and utterly unwatchable that I can't even grasp what the alternative to this swill would've been. Thora Birch single-handedly destroys any good-will I had for her after "Ghost World" with this bottom of the barrel derivative waste of film. Everything about this movie is just plain dumb.

Eye Candy: an extra gets topless

My Grade: F

Lionsgate DVD Extras: A 14 minute Behind-the-scenes featurette; Promos for Fear.net, Break.com, After Dark Horrorfest 3 & Ghost House Underground films; and trailers for "Frontier(s)" & "Captivity"
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