1/10
Sloppy indeed.
29 January 2009
Warning: Spoilers
It's always crushingly disappointing when you bring back the same creative cast for a sequel and they totally drop the ball in regards to the rules they set up in the first movie. I bought Feast 2 on the strength of Feast 1, a gritty little old-school monster movie with it's own sense of dark humor. Feast 2 looks like somebody made a sequel on YouTube and Dimension said, "Hell, let's run with it." (The following is CHOCK FULL O' SPOILERS.) I should have known something was amiss when a dog gets shot to pieces in the opening scene (granted he was carrying the shooter's dead sister's hand, but still...Puppy!) Feast brings back a couple familiar faces that died in the first flick (but they're all related to the director, so it's no surprise) Biker Queen and the Bartender. The Bartender (Clu Gulager of Hobgoblins fame, heh) in particular looks a lot older, his hair much whiter and longer than we last saw him, but as we're about to see, continuity is not this film's strong point.

They leave the bar in search of Bozo (that was his REAL name??) since it was his doing that blew up Biker Queen's twin in the good movie. Unfortunately the nearest town is overrun with the suddenly incredibly visible monsters. While the first flick was dark and well filmed, most of the action here takes place in broad daylight. Dead bodies are all over the place, and it's here that I start having problems. When the movie is called Feast, why are the monsters leaving so many uneaten remains about? While certainly dismembered, all the corpses parts are accounted for. Don't they know there are starving monsters in India? Anyhoo, Biker Queen and her randomly naked friends drag the bartender to Bozo's apt. where lo and behold Honey Pie (from Feast I) is holed up with some other survivors. We'll use the term survivors loosely since they get killed all to hell by the bikers. Not to be outdone, Clu proceeds to beat the snot out of Honey Pie for abandoning them in an incredibly poorly acted scene by Miss Pie. Clu doesn't do too bad, but if you want to see good actin' by a blonde girl getting smacked around by a misogynistic old guy, rent True Romance, not Feast 2. Then he flings her out of a window.

In the midst of this we are introduced to some other survivors, Cockroach from the Cosby Show playing a used car lot owner, another Gulager playing his salesman, Cockroach's cheatin' Positive Affirmation spoutin' wife, a couple midget Mexican wrestlers and their abuela. The wrestlers (who are probably the closest you'll get to noble characters in this flick) offer their hideout to everyone while they wait for an armored convoy to show up and rescue survivors. This is promptly never mentioned again. Somehow they find out a methhead has locked himself inside the only truly secure building in town, the Jail. It's decided this is the place to be, and the wrestlers who also happen to be locksmiths volunteer to sneak out and make a key that will open the jail-house doors. With me so far? It is at this point that the movie really cuts ties with making sense. While the wrestlers sneak to their keymakin' equipment under cover of dark, the used car salesman decided a Monster Autopsy is the thing to do to better "know" their enemy. This is the best reason they could come up with so they can show extensive scenes of pointless vomiting, defecation, and monster spooging. Now i'm not condemning the gruesomeness, it's a horror flick, it's expected. What i'm condemning is that it's simply not funny, it don't advance the narrative, there's really no point for it at all.

While we're being treated to extensively pointless scenes of monster autopsy, we also get extensively pointless scenes of Honey Pie trapped in a convenience store. Seems after she was flung from the window, she made her way there looking for a phone. She gets in through a vent then falls through the ceiling. Sadly the phone no workie and she's trapped. Despite the fact that the ceiling still has a hole in it and there's a DAMN LADDER IN THE STORE.

It's at this point that I gave up on FEAST II, but sadly my eyes kept watching. So I got to see some boobies, but I also got to see them kill grandma and a baby. They don't even make it into the jail. The monsters get on the roof and kill everyone. Maybe Feast 3 will make Feast 2 sensible, but I doubt it, and i'm for damn sure not gonna spend another $14.99 to find out.

Avoid this one and watch the first one again.
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