Review of Babylon A.D.

Babylon A.D. (2008)
3/10
Not Vin's fault
2 September 2008
Warning: Spoilers
The failure of this film can not be lain at the feet of the actors. They did the best they could with what they were given... this movie was just so horribly cobbled together by the writers no actor could have saved it.

The best word I can find to describe this film is "unstable" - it starts out simple enough. A girl with special abilities needs to be transported from point A to point B and protected from people trying to kidnap her. Okay, so we make our way across a vaguely realized quasi post-apocalyptic Eurasia... along the way we catch glimpses of the girls abilities... she's clairvoyant... she's telepathic... she's empathic... (but apparently has no amazing healing powers so there goes the second-coming premise) good stuff. So, sure we can see why many organizations might want to get their hands on her.

So they're at one stop off and the girl takes off with one of the groups. Exciting so Vin and Michelle will be chasing them across the world to get her back and... oh no wait... they catch up and stop them. Uh..okay, never mind.

So then they toss in "maybe she's carrying a viral weapon"... ooh! I don't see why that would give her psychic powers but okay that would be a cool plot! Not sure why we're changing plots a quarter the way in to the film but whatever.

So we fight out way to the border with a few weak plot devices to make sure there's only the 3 of them when they cross. So we're at the border and Aurora (how old is she supposed to be again?) starts to make a lusty move on Vin... okay let's toss in a romance... oh but they're interrupted.. and... that's it? It's never brought up again?

So the cross the border and fly to New York... well so much for transporting. So they get to New York and the religious sect shows up and it turns out she's pregnant and not just that a virgin pregnancy! Ohhhhkay.... so we can just toss the whole viral weapon plot... And it turns out the religious sect want to use her to legitimize themselves. Never mind they already seem to be one of the most powerful organizations in the world somehow. So lets get this straight... Aurora was a virgin birth.. her twins are a virgin conception.. and Aurora has psychic powers. But for some reason the sect will be killing her. Right. That makes no real sense at all... but so now the sect are the bad guys, right.

So they take her downstairs to deliver her when Vin has a change of heart and starts fighting them... with an army or Russian bikers and an army of sect goons standing around making sure he doesn't. So they fight their way through and for some reason the Russians and the sect are shooting at each other? Whatever I guess... and somehow all this gunfire and launching of missiles doesn't attract the cops.

So we kill Michelle and kill Vin and we discover Aurora not only knows martial arts but also has telekinetic powers. Why the hell does she need protecting again?

The movie could have ended there... say maybe use the premise she was just coming into her powers and when Vin dies it's because she doesn't need his protection any more. Ah - but that would be too easy.

No, lets resurrect Vin with Bionic parts, reveal that the girl was manufactured (okay) and has a super computer for a brain (oh come on! give me a break!) and that her powers are coming from the twins (sigh). So he needs to find her and keep protecting her. What is this? A TV show pilot where they spend the first two seasons running from town to town evading the religious nuts?

So he goes and gets her in the most obvious place the plot devices could have sent her and they defeat some more religious guys.

Then flash forward and she dies in child birth (so much for super advanced medicine of the future when a healthy 17-18 year old woman dies in child birth) and makes Vin promise to take care of the kids.

And we close with a scene of two racially different twins (oh sure... at this point whatever, right?) being cared for several years later by bionic Vin with a cryptic "let's go inside, there's a storm coming"... you SURE this wasn't meant as a TV pilot?
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