See a miscast Kevin Bacon and Alison Lohman play roles that do not suit them at all. Bacon looks tired and gaunt, and Alison plays Karen as if she was Nancy Drew. Lohman's voice-overs are something else. They're so earnest and she enunciates every word with total conviction. Lohman is way over her head for such a, hmm, complex role (if complex is the right word to describe anything in this film). The shoes were too big for both actors to fill. But as miscast as Lohman was, her performance is so peculiar that it's almost works on a certain level of pastiche.
See Colin Firth give the only sensible performance in the whole film.
See bad acting from every secondary character, including embarrassing turns from Maury Chaykin as a mobster and David Hayman as Reuben, a latently gay, anal-retentive, over-protective psycho valet.
See a dozen truly unpleasant characters populating the confusing landscape, including Maureen, who ends up dead and basically no one really cares about.
See an over-directed mess of story, well there's really no story here but without the multiple time-lines, voice-overs, narrative structures, or other deliberately confusing techniques, people would have figured this out reasonably fast.
See a (very long scene) when Bonnie (Sonja Bennett) reads Lanny's manuscript from L.A. to her friend Karen (Lohman), who's in NY (expensive long distance charges!) then the film visually shows us what she's reading AND we hear Lanny (Bacon)'s voice reading what he wrote. Got that?
See uninspired cinematography of fake looking vintage production values, of different decades, with the 1950s filmed through a misty lens while the current time-line, 1970s, is shot clearly. Brilliant!
See loads of naked chicks, who, remarkably, all look the same, and even more remarkably, the nudity seems misplaced. The fake orgy scene, for example. Talk about gratuitous nudity.
See Kristin Adams dressed up as Alice in Wonderland singing Jefferson Airplane's uber drug anthem "White Rabbit" to a group of sick kids during a pageant!
See a drugged up Alison Lohman have sex with an equally stoned Kristin Adams, who is still dressed up as Alice in Wonderland.
See Alice in Wonderland give cunnilingus to Karen, the Nancy Drew wannabe, her face dripping wet as she moves away from between Karen's legs, while Colin Firth watches on.
Hear voice-overs that are supposed to be evocative but are so wordy, ever-present and clunky that they end up sinking the whole film.
Voice-overs such as: "If I can will my Polio away I'd certainly be able to will away the effect of any drug!" (this being my favorite)
"That moment, it changed my life. I was about to find my way into Lenny's book after he had found such a powerful way into mine" (phew!)
"The. Floor. Plan. Was. Still. The. Same!" (thanks for telling me)
"We were GODS!"
Hear dialogue not even Laurence Olivier could save: "The realization of your life story should not be threatened because of my failings!" Alison says to Colin, who happens to keep a straight face. Does anyone talk like that?
"This is my daughter. This is what I have of her," the old woman says of the tree she's standing in front of.
See lobsters, lobsters, lobsters! Lobsters play a **very** important part of the story. Don't laugh...OK, go ahead and laugh.
See shots of Kevin Bacon undressing Alison Lohman inter-cut with shots of lobsters.
See homophobia as the soon-to-be-dead Maureen blackmails Lanny and Vince after she witnessed Vince trying to penetrate Lanny during a threesome they had with her.
See totally confused direction as we're made to feel sorry for Maureen (that damn tree!) even if her actions as a blackmailer started the whole thing.
See even more homophobia as latently gay, anal-retentive, over-protective psycho valet Reuben (a totally unimportant character) is revealed to be the one who killed Maureen, the wannabe blackmailer no one really cared about.
All of this set to swirling, knowingly kitschy, overdone soundtrack.
See the fires of puberty! OK, maybe not but please see this film. It's a deliriously bad film, not since the likes of SHOWGIRLS!
See Colin Firth give the only sensible performance in the whole film.
See bad acting from every secondary character, including embarrassing turns from Maury Chaykin as a mobster and David Hayman as Reuben, a latently gay, anal-retentive, over-protective psycho valet.
See a dozen truly unpleasant characters populating the confusing landscape, including Maureen, who ends up dead and basically no one really cares about.
See an over-directed mess of story, well there's really no story here but without the multiple time-lines, voice-overs, narrative structures, or other deliberately confusing techniques, people would have figured this out reasonably fast.
See a (very long scene) when Bonnie (Sonja Bennett) reads Lanny's manuscript from L.A. to her friend Karen (Lohman), who's in NY (expensive long distance charges!) then the film visually shows us what she's reading AND we hear Lanny (Bacon)'s voice reading what he wrote. Got that?
See uninspired cinematography of fake looking vintage production values, of different decades, with the 1950s filmed through a misty lens while the current time-line, 1970s, is shot clearly. Brilliant!
See loads of naked chicks, who, remarkably, all look the same, and even more remarkably, the nudity seems misplaced. The fake orgy scene, for example. Talk about gratuitous nudity.
See Kristin Adams dressed up as Alice in Wonderland singing Jefferson Airplane's uber drug anthem "White Rabbit" to a group of sick kids during a pageant!
See a drugged up Alison Lohman have sex with an equally stoned Kristin Adams, who is still dressed up as Alice in Wonderland.
See Alice in Wonderland give cunnilingus to Karen, the Nancy Drew wannabe, her face dripping wet as she moves away from between Karen's legs, while Colin Firth watches on.
Hear voice-overs that are supposed to be evocative but are so wordy, ever-present and clunky that they end up sinking the whole film.
Voice-overs such as: "If I can will my Polio away I'd certainly be able to will away the effect of any drug!" (this being my favorite)
"That moment, it changed my life. I was about to find my way into Lenny's book after he had found such a powerful way into mine" (phew!)
"The. Floor. Plan. Was. Still. The. Same!" (thanks for telling me)
"We were GODS!"
Hear dialogue not even Laurence Olivier could save: "The realization of your life story should not be threatened because of my failings!" Alison says to Colin, who happens to keep a straight face. Does anyone talk like that?
"This is my daughter. This is what I have of her," the old woman says of the tree she's standing in front of.
See lobsters, lobsters, lobsters! Lobsters play a **very** important part of the story. Don't laugh...OK, go ahead and laugh.
See shots of Kevin Bacon undressing Alison Lohman inter-cut with shots of lobsters.
See homophobia as the soon-to-be-dead Maureen blackmails Lanny and Vince after she witnessed Vince trying to penetrate Lanny during a threesome they had with her.
See totally confused direction as we're made to feel sorry for Maureen (that damn tree!) even if her actions as a blackmailer started the whole thing.
See even more homophobia as latently gay, anal-retentive, over-protective psycho valet Reuben (a totally unimportant character) is revealed to be the one who killed Maureen, the wannabe blackmailer no one really cared about.
All of this set to swirling, knowingly kitschy, overdone soundtrack.
See the fires of puberty! OK, maybe not but please see this film. It's a deliriously bad film, not since the likes of SHOWGIRLS!