You don't review James Bond movies, you evaluate them, rate them according to how well they meet expectations. There are certain things one has come to expect, even demand of a Bond film and each individual effort either delivers or it doesn't. So, here are ten elements that make a Bond film a Bond film and how TOMORROW NEVER DIES rates on a scale of 1 to 10:
Title: TOMORROW NEVER DIES: Poetic pretension aside, the "Tomorrow" in this case is the name of a newspaper. And the film's original title was "Tomorrow Never Lies," a more mundane slogan, but not nearly suitable for a Bond film. 8 points.
Pre-Credit Teaser: Bond interrupts the sale of various illegal weapons and casually stops a nuclear disaster in the bargain. Another elaborate teaser with Bond escaping the bad guys at the last minute, leaving a bunch of explosions in his wake. Nicely done, I suppose, but old hat. 5 points.
Opening Credits: After Daniel Kleinman's debut work on the credits for GOLDENEYE, his graphics here are particularly disappointing. There is almost a generic quality to Kleinman's choice of images, reflecting the worst of Maurice Binder's prototypes. Worse, the disturbing shots of the female body made up of circuits and micro chips is rather creepy re- enforcing the clichéd concept of Bond Girls as mere objects. 2 points.
Theme Song: It may not be the all-time worst Bond theme song, but Sheryl Crowe's "Tomorrow Never Dies," cowritten with Richard Froom, just might be the most sleep-inducing. Perhaps she is trying to imitate the great Shirley Bassey, but Crowe's drowsy rendition is listless and just downright dreary. A second theme song ends the film; k. d. lang's "Surrender" is somewhat better than Crowe's contribution -- but not by much. It's strange, but by this time the producers of the series are picking and choosing from multiple submissions from various noted artists, yet they still end up selecting themes songs that are, at best, mediocre. 2 points.
"Bond, James Bond": As Bond, Pierce Brosnan seems to be trying awfully hard to not crack so much as a smile, thus when he does seem to be enjoying himself it's cause for applause. After the sardonic style he restored to the character in GOLDENEYE, it is disheartening to see him returning to the glum approach that Timothy Dalton took. 4 points.
Bond Babes: Somewhere between being Lois Lane and becoming a Desperate Housewife, Teri Hatcher added "Bond Girl" to her resume. Alas, she brought none of her proved gift for playing spunky heroines with a comic touch to the role; as the villain's depressed ill-fated wife, she may be the most morose Bond Girl of all time. But she is balanced out in glorious style by Michelle Yeoh as Wai Lin, a Chinese agent who teams up with 007, both on his mission and on some of the best staged stunts of the series. While sex and sexiness have all but faded from the Bond films, Yeoh personifies the evolution of the Bond Girl to that of a strong and dynamic professional. 10 points.
Bond Villain: Of all the villains James has faced, Elliott Carver just might be the most insipid. Though played by the very talented Jonathan Pryce, the character is a power-mad media mogul who hopes to start World War III, so he can have exclusive rights to cover it with his print and broadcast outlets. That is a lot of effort for such a meager pay back. Though prone to occasional temper tantrums, the owlish Carver is about as threatening as a junior high school principal who is upset about graffiti on the boys room wall. 1 point.
Bond Baddies: Vincent Schiavelli is one of those actors born to play a bad guy. With his sad, droopy Salvadore Dali face, he instantly gave character to any role just by his presence. Here, as assassin Dr. Kaufman, he is rather subdued, but he gives a nice comic twist to the character's dour professionalism. He is assisted by his protégé, Stamper, who unfortunately is played far less memorably by Götz Otto. Stamper is yet another cold, emotionless Ayran killer in the Donald Grant mold and, while he is a formidable opponent in battle, he is a dull character otherwise. 7 points.
Sinister Plot: There are just so many holes in Carver's dastardly plan that even the most far-fetched Bond action stunt is more believable. The idea that a publisher has to create news in order to have something to print is as old as yellow journalism, but there just isn't a whit of common sense in Carver's reckless drive to create a world war that would endanger, not expand his own media empire. Plus, what idiot would place in print stories about his own crimes, even before he committed them. He is just a stupid, stupid man and it is a stupid, stupid plot. 0 points.
Production values: The film's saving grace is the remarkable stunt work featuring Bond and Wai Lin handcuffed together and escaping via motorcycle from the villain's helicopter, through the slums of Saigon. Obviously influenced by the over-the-top stunts work of Asian cinema, it provides quite a kick to an otherwise lackluster film. 8 points.
Bonus Points: I don't know if it is social commentary or just motion picture showmanship, but once again we are treated to the mindless destruction of a poor Third World community. Though expertly done, the chase that runs amok in a crowded, impoverished Saigon neighborhood, terrorizing the poor and destroying their meager homes, all without a second thought, paints a vivid portrait of Super Power arrogance. We'll pretend it is meant as social commentary and add 5 points.
Summary: What this film does best, it does very well. But it's negatives far outweigh its positives. TOMORROW doesn't die; it's already DOA.
Bond-o-meter Rating: 52 points out of 100.
Title: TOMORROW NEVER DIES: Poetic pretension aside, the "Tomorrow" in this case is the name of a newspaper. And the film's original title was "Tomorrow Never Lies," a more mundane slogan, but not nearly suitable for a Bond film. 8 points.
Pre-Credit Teaser: Bond interrupts the sale of various illegal weapons and casually stops a nuclear disaster in the bargain. Another elaborate teaser with Bond escaping the bad guys at the last minute, leaving a bunch of explosions in his wake. Nicely done, I suppose, but old hat. 5 points.
Opening Credits: After Daniel Kleinman's debut work on the credits for GOLDENEYE, his graphics here are particularly disappointing. There is almost a generic quality to Kleinman's choice of images, reflecting the worst of Maurice Binder's prototypes. Worse, the disturbing shots of the female body made up of circuits and micro chips is rather creepy re- enforcing the clichéd concept of Bond Girls as mere objects. 2 points.
Theme Song: It may not be the all-time worst Bond theme song, but Sheryl Crowe's "Tomorrow Never Dies," cowritten with Richard Froom, just might be the most sleep-inducing. Perhaps she is trying to imitate the great Shirley Bassey, but Crowe's drowsy rendition is listless and just downright dreary. A second theme song ends the film; k. d. lang's "Surrender" is somewhat better than Crowe's contribution -- but not by much. It's strange, but by this time the producers of the series are picking and choosing from multiple submissions from various noted artists, yet they still end up selecting themes songs that are, at best, mediocre. 2 points.
"Bond, James Bond": As Bond, Pierce Brosnan seems to be trying awfully hard to not crack so much as a smile, thus when he does seem to be enjoying himself it's cause for applause. After the sardonic style he restored to the character in GOLDENEYE, it is disheartening to see him returning to the glum approach that Timothy Dalton took. 4 points.
Bond Babes: Somewhere between being Lois Lane and becoming a Desperate Housewife, Teri Hatcher added "Bond Girl" to her resume. Alas, she brought none of her proved gift for playing spunky heroines with a comic touch to the role; as the villain's depressed ill-fated wife, she may be the most morose Bond Girl of all time. But she is balanced out in glorious style by Michelle Yeoh as Wai Lin, a Chinese agent who teams up with 007, both on his mission and on some of the best staged stunts of the series. While sex and sexiness have all but faded from the Bond films, Yeoh personifies the evolution of the Bond Girl to that of a strong and dynamic professional. 10 points.
Bond Villain: Of all the villains James has faced, Elliott Carver just might be the most insipid. Though played by the very talented Jonathan Pryce, the character is a power-mad media mogul who hopes to start World War III, so he can have exclusive rights to cover it with his print and broadcast outlets. That is a lot of effort for such a meager pay back. Though prone to occasional temper tantrums, the owlish Carver is about as threatening as a junior high school principal who is upset about graffiti on the boys room wall. 1 point.
Bond Baddies: Vincent Schiavelli is one of those actors born to play a bad guy. With his sad, droopy Salvadore Dali face, he instantly gave character to any role just by his presence. Here, as assassin Dr. Kaufman, he is rather subdued, but he gives a nice comic twist to the character's dour professionalism. He is assisted by his protégé, Stamper, who unfortunately is played far less memorably by Götz Otto. Stamper is yet another cold, emotionless Ayran killer in the Donald Grant mold and, while he is a formidable opponent in battle, he is a dull character otherwise. 7 points.
Sinister Plot: There are just so many holes in Carver's dastardly plan that even the most far-fetched Bond action stunt is more believable. The idea that a publisher has to create news in order to have something to print is as old as yellow journalism, but there just isn't a whit of common sense in Carver's reckless drive to create a world war that would endanger, not expand his own media empire. Plus, what idiot would place in print stories about his own crimes, even before he committed them. He is just a stupid, stupid man and it is a stupid, stupid plot. 0 points.
Production values: The film's saving grace is the remarkable stunt work featuring Bond and Wai Lin handcuffed together and escaping via motorcycle from the villain's helicopter, through the slums of Saigon. Obviously influenced by the over-the-top stunts work of Asian cinema, it provides quite a kick to an otherwise lackluster film. 8 points.
Bonus Points: I don't know if it is social commentary or just motion picture showmanship, but once again we are treated to the mindless destruction of a poor Third World community. Though expertly done, the chase that runs amok in a crowded, impoverished Saigon neighborhood, terrorizing the poor and destroying their meager homes, all without a second thought, paints a vivid portrait of Super Power arrogance. We'll pretend it is meant as social commentary and add 5 points.
Summary: What this film does best, it does very well. But it's negatives far outweigh its positives. TOMORROW doesn't die; it's already DOA.
Bond-o-meter Rating: 52 points out of 100.