5/10
THIS is what we got for making "Pirates of the Caribbean" such a big hit!
12 July 2005
Eddie Murphy plays a workaholic real estate man. He loves his beautiful wife and two kids--but can't resist working. He gets a call to see an old, rundown mansion (the title one). He arrives with his wife and kids. They meet the mysterious butler (Terence Stamp) and his even stranger master (Nathaniel Parker) but they soon realize they're there for a sinister reason...and their lives may be in danger...

Believe me it's NOT as good as it sounds! This is a supposed "family movie" from Disney. It OPENS with two suicides and includes sequences with the kids in danger and being attacked by the (pretty gruesome) living dead. This would give most little kids nightmares. That aside this is supposed to be a comedy...but none, and I mean NONE, of the lines are funny. The plot gets increasingly stupid as it unfolds and (for no reason) the main villain tells Murphy his whole part--giving Murphy plenty of ammunition to use against him. That's just lazy writing. The ending is extremely stupid and pointless--it's as if the scriptwriters just threw up their hands and gave up.

Murphy is pretty good but even he can't overcome the stupid script. Marsha Thomason (as his wife) is good and so are the kids--acting like real kids would (for once). But Stamp walks through his role (not really his fault--he has nothing to work with) and Parker is very good--TOO good for this movie. Jennifer Tilly has a FEW somewhat cute lines too.

This film is chockful of (admittedly) fantastic special effects--but there's no story and it's filled with painfully unfunny one liners. This was obviously made for two reasons: 1) Eddie Murphy desperately needs a hit and 2) "Pirates of the Caribbean" was such a huge hit. I didn't like "Pirates" either but it's not as bad as THIS! This movie bombed badly at the box office. That's good--it hopefully means no more Disney theme park rides will be made into movies.

I give this a 5--and that's just for the special effects. But I can't recommend this at all.
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