Not a terribly original Summary, I know (the phrase has been used about 10 times on the review pages for this movie), but *Hide and Seek* is not a terribly original movie. If the filmmakers feel that they can be so lazy, why the hell can't I?
After an opening scene loaded with faux-portentous overtones (an unrecognizable Amy Irving saying goodnight to her tucked-in daughter), we're treated to a crib from Kubrick's *Shining*: a lone vehicle wending its way through a mountainous countryside. Cue "dark" music. Then cue rambling new boondocks abode -- haunted, presumably. Turns out that Amy Irving (spoiler?) has committed suicide. Therefore, widower Robert De Niro -- a (spoiler?) psychologist -- absconds with his disturbed 9-year-old daughter (Dakota Fanning in a totally unrealistic performance) to upstate New York, to "get away from the City, from bad memories" blah blah blah.
Look -- I really don't have the heart to provide the usual synopsis. All I have energy for -- and this movie is so tiresome it simply drains the life out of you -- is to warn you away from it. Don't let the flashy cast sucker you in: Elisabeth "Nice Cleavage" Shue is barely in the thing; Famke Janssen is barely in the thing; Dylan Baker is barely in the thing. And Robert De Niro is just sleepwalking. In my review for *Meet the Fockers* I advised De Niro to play King Lear or its contemporary equivalent, and to do it fast. *Hide and Seek* is not what I had in mind, Mr. De Niro! He doesn't even bother to conceal his utter boredom: mumbling his lines, totally "out of the scene", as actors say, walking around with that pained grimace on his face. . . . Enough already! At least Brando had the decency to basically retire, popping up only for the occasional lucrative cameo when his expenses started outpacing his royalties. De Niro, Method veteran that he is, perhaps ought to follow his mentor's example, if this sort of effort is all that he can muster these days. These aren't very nice comments, but when one is confronted with the fact that De Niro's last good movie, was *Heat* back in 1995, it's time to call a spade a spade.
As for director John Polson, hey, dude, how about an original idea? I don't know who wrote the script (I guess I could've looked it up, but I just don't care), but the writers and Polson dredge up every cliché involving Strange Old Houses, Strange New Neighborhoods, Creepy Children Who Might Have Spiritual Powers, and Tell-Tale Psychology in the entire catalog of such nonsense. Heck, De Niro keeps waking up at the same time in the middle of the night, just like that James Brolin did in *Amityville Horror*, and when you're cribbing *Amityville Horror*, you may as well hang it up. There's about five minutes of mystery in the movie when we wonder if Fanning's imaginary friend "Charlie" is real or not (Charlie's pranks are too physically substantial to warrant speculation that It's All A Dream), but it becomes embarrassingly clear what's really going on far too quickly for any real suspense to get generated. Red herrings in the plot are obvious, and exist only to stretch out the film's running-time to feature-length. In fact, the movie's final "plot twist" should occur to you before you fork over your Hamilton at the box office. It certainly occurred to me. "Is this going to be THAT kind of movie?" I murmured to myself. Sadly, it was.
1 star out of 10.
After an opening scene loaded with faux-portentous overtones (an unrecognizable Amy Irving saying goodnight to her tucked-in daughter), we're treated to a crib from Kubrick's *Shining*: a lone vehicle wending its way through a mountainous countryside. Cue "dark" music. Then cue rambling new boondocks abode -- haunted, presumably. Turns out that Amy Irving (spoiler?) has committed suicide. Therefore, widower Robert De Niro -- a (spoiler?) psychologist -- absconds with his disturbed 9-year-old daughter (Dakota Fanning in a totally unrealistic performance) to upstate New York, to "get away from the City, from bad memories" blah blah blah.
Look -- I really don't have the heart to provide the usual synopsis. All I have energy for -- and this movie is so tiresome it simply drains the life out of you -- is to warn you away from it. Don't let the flashy cast sucker you in: Elisabeth "Nice Cleavage" Shue is barely in the thing; Famke Janssen is barely in the thing; Dylan Baker is barely in the thing. And Robert De Niro is just sleepwalking. In my review for *Meet the Fockers* I advised De Niro to play King Lear or its contemporary equivalent, and to do it fast. *Hide and Seek* is not what I had in mind, Mr. De Niro! He doesn't even bother to conceal his utter boredom: mumbling his lines, totally "out of the scene", as actors say, walking around with that pained grimace on his face. . . . Enough already! At least Brando had the decency to basically retire, popping up only for the occasional lucrative cameo when his expenses started outpacing his royalties. De Niro, Method veteran that he is, perhaps ought to follow his mentor's example, if this sort of effort is all that he can muster these days. These aren't very nice comments, but when one is confronted with the fact that De Niro's last good movie, was *Heat* back in 1995, it's time to call a spade a spade.
As for director John Polson, hey, dude, how about an original idea? I don't know who wrote the script (I guess I could've looked it up, but I just don't care), but the writers and Polson dredge up every cliché involving Strange Old Houses, Strange New Neighborhoods, Creepy Children Who Might Have Spiritual Powers, and Tell-Tale Psychology in the entire catalog of such nonsense. Heck, De Niro keeps waking up at the same time in the middle of the night, just like that James Brolin did in *Amityville Horror*, and when you're cribbing *Amityville Horror*, you may as well hang it up. There's about five minutes of mystery in the movie when we wonder if Fanning's imaginary friend "Charlie" is real or not (Charlie's pranks are too physically substantial to warrant speculation that It's All A Dream), but it becomes embarrassingly clear what's really going on far too quickly for any real suspense to get generated. Red herrings in the plot are obvious, and exist only to stretch out the film's running-time to feature-length. In fact, the movie's final "plot twist" should occur to you before you fork over your Hamilton at the box office. It certainly occurred to me. "Is this going to be THAT kind of movie?" I murmured to myself. Sadly, it was.
1 star out of 10.