Once upon a time, I would guess, there was a spec script floating around Hollywood. A sensitive, adult-oriented and thought provoking piece about a man who loses his dignity in front of his daughter, and feels the need to make changes in his life. Sort of an "American Beauty" type thing, though not as phony.
And lo and behold, it was optioned by Twentieth Century Fox. They liked it very much, but they thought some changes were necessary:
"Lets make it a family movie and put Tim Allen in it," said one Fox executive who, for sake of this narrative, we shall call Steve. "It shall be a Christmas movie, and will make us untold millions!" And all the other little Fox executives clapped and cheered and Rupert Murdoch himself gave Steve a lovely corner office.
The production of this film, which Steve himself decided to call "Joe Somebody," was set into motion. It was to be directed by John Pasquin, who is known in some third-world countries as the Anti-Christ for his work on "Jungle 2 Jungle." Steve worked hard on this movie, trying to train every bit of originality and warmth out of this once beautiful and thought-provoking script. It was now a parable against revenge and was marketed for the thirteen and under crowd and their parents, all the while Steve was ignorant of the possibility that kids might cry when they see Tim Allen assaulted in a parking lot while his daughter looks on. He was also ignorant of the possibility that adults will raise their eyebrows when they see not only Julie Bowen in lingerie, but also that a supposed "family film" has product placement from Miller Lite beer and Parliament cigarettes.
Not that Steve could kill the movie entirely; some viewers could still see the passionate film that made up the foundation of the tame and boring family movie.
And then the movie opened. It was a mistake to make it a Christmas release, for opening two days earlier was the first installment of "The Lord of the Rings," which is a masterpiece. And opening that same day was "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius," which does for kids what Steve would never have dreamed "Joe Somebody" would do.
And "Joe Somebody," which began so humbly, bombed out at the box office. It didn't even make as much money as "How High," which didn't get promoted on any of the major television networks! And poor Steve now works mopping up the floors at the Adult Emporium.
And all the people who saw "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" lived happily ever after. The End.
** out of 4
And lo and behold, it was optioned by Twentieth Century Fox. They liked it very much, but they thought some changes were necessary:
"Lets make it a family movie and put Tim Allen in it," said one Fox executive who, for sake of this narrative, we shall call Steve. "It shall be a Christmas movie, and will make us untold millions!" And all the other little Fox executives clapped and cheered and Rupert Murdoch himself gave Steve a lovely corner office.
The production of this film, which Steve himself decided to call "Joe Somebody," was set into motion. It was to be directed by John Pasquin, who is known in some third-world countries as the Anti-Christ for his work on "Jungle 2 Jungle." Steve worked hard on this movie, trying to train every bit of originality and warmth out of this once beautiful and thought-provoking script. It was now a parable against revenge and was marketed for the thirteen and under crowd and their parents, all the while Steve was ignorant of the possibility that kids might cry when they see Tim Allen assaulted in a parking lot while his daughter looks on. He was also ignorant of the possibility that adults will raise their eyebrows when they see not only Julie Bowen in lingerie, but also that a supposed "family film" has product placement from Miller Lite beer and Parliament cigarettes.
Not that Steve could kill the movie entirely; some viewers could still see the passionate film that made up the foundation of the tame and boring family movie.
And then the movie opened. It was a mistake to make it a Christmas release, for opening two days earlier was the first installment of "The Lord of the Rings," which is a masterpiece. And opening that same day was "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius," which does for kids what Steve would never have dreamed "Joe Somebody" would do.
And "Joe Somebody," which began so humbly, bombed out at the box office. It didn't even make as much money as "How High," which didn't get promoted on any of the major television networks! And poor Steve now works mopping up the floors at the Adult Emporium.
And all the people who saw "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" lived happily ever after. The End.
** out of 4