3 seconds in: The title is cheesy green and beneath the words 'battlefield earth' is a subtitle: 'the saga of the year 3000'... Not an auspicious start!
3 minutes in: The camera is always on a tilt. It's like watching the old Batman TV show with Adam West. My neck is starting to ache already. My friend wonders aloud if they have put the film into the projector at a funny angle.
10 minutes in: That scene was ripped straight from bladerunner
11 minutes in: So was that one...
12 minutes in: Hey look the costumes are out of dune!
14 minutes in: Hey look the aliens look like klingons
15 minutes in: Hey! They speak like klingons too!
16 minutes in: Hey. The computer displays are out of predator!
17 minutes in: John travolta shows up. He's funny, it might start to pick up from here... maybe...?
20 mintues in... or maybe not.
30 minutes in: Why are these aliens so stupid! Let's not only leave our captive human slaves unattended but let's actually *inject* their brains with all the information about our race and then take them to the library and give them the declaration of independence to read. That won't make them dangerous or rebellious at all!
40 minutes in: Barry pepper does his oscar winning speech: "we will fight for our freedom, and we will win. Are you with me? ARE YOU WITH ME?" The Scots all shout "yes William, I guess we didn't get all dressed up for nothin"...
45 minutes in: John Travolta snarls "When we took over your planet all of the forces on earth put up a fight for a measly 9 minutes before they were defeated. There is nothing you can do to stop us!!!"...I'm left wondering if a race so stupid could have defeated mildly intelligent things like humans in 9 decades let alone 9 minutes.
55 minutes in: Why are the aliens after gold???? Why is this making no sense???
1 hour in: There hasn't been any middle setpiece yet. Actually nothing has happened at all.
1 hour 15 minutes: Did i just lose time? Was I asleep? Had I slept? what's happening? do I care?
1 hour 30 minutes: Maybe the middle set piece is just late... maybe one will come along in a minute?
1 hour 45 minutes: ... hmmm, maybe not.
1 hour 50 minutes: Oooo goody the humans have come up with a plan to get rid of these incredibly stupid alien's. Finally.
1 hour 51 minutes: Could you repeat the plan please? It made no sense and I think I might need to understand it so that the rest of the film is coherent?
1 hour 55 minutes: Cool, our heroes have found a hangar of fighter planes in Texas. The caveman humans learn to fly Harrier jump-jets in 6 days. Very impressive indeed!
1 hour 56 minutes: ...But since the Harriers have been sitting in a hangar for 1000 years how come they are still fully fueled and shiny with working weapons?? Never mind. I guess we're not supposed to notice that.
2 hours: Yayyy the fighting has begun! Ooo look, some pretty explosions. Cool - a building fell down! The humans are stopping to throw chairs through windows. That will defeat the aliens for sure!
2 hours 2 minutes: Hang on just one moment? Isn't this supposed to be BATTLEFIELD earth? There are about 15 humans and 10 aliens. Shouldn't they have called it 'slight scuffle earth' or 'schoolyard fight earth' instead?
2 hours 10 minutes: Please somebody kill me now.
2 hours 15 minutes: YAY! the head alien has managed to blow his entire race up by being really stupid.
2 hours 20 minutes: Where's the exit! Take me home please.
3 minutes in: The camera is always on a tilt. It's like watching the old Batman TV show with Adam West. My neck is starting to ache already. My friend wonders aloud if they have put the film into the projector at a funny angle.
10 minutes in: That scene was ripped straight from bladerunner
11 minutes in: So was that one...
12 minutes in: Hey look the costumes are out of dune!
14 minutes in: Hey look the aliens look like klingons
15 minutes in: Hey! They speak like klingons too!
16 minutes in: Hey. The computer displays are out of predator!
17 minutes in: John travolta shows up. He's funny, it might start to pick up from here... maybe...?
20 mintues in... or maybe not.
30 minutes in: Why are these aliens so stupid! Let's not only leave our captive human slaves unattended but let's actually *inject* their brains with all the information about our race and then take them to the library and give them the declaration of independence to read. That won't make them dangerous or rebellious at all!
40 minutes in: Barry pepper does his oscar winning speech: "we will fight for our freedom, and we will win. Are you with me? ARE YOU WITH ME?" The Scots all shout "yes William, I guess we didn't get all dressed up for nothin"...
45 minutes in: John Travolta snarls "When we took over your planet all of the forces on earth put up a fight for a measly 9 minutes before they were defeated. There is nothing you can do to stop us!!!"...I'm left wondering if a race so stupid could have defeated mildly intelligent things like humans in 9 decades let alone 9 minutes.
55 minutes in: Why are the aliens after gold???? Why is this making no sense???
1 hour in: There hasn't been any middle setpiece yet. Actually nothing has happened at all.
1 hour 15 minutes: Did i just lose time? Was I asleep? Had I slept? what's happening? do I care?
1 hour 30 minutes: Maybe the middle set piece is just late... maybe one will come along in a minute?
1 hour 45 minutes: ... hmmm, maybe not.
1 hour 50 minutes: Oooo goody the humans have come up with a plan to get rid of these incredibly stupid alien's. Finally.
1 hour 51 minutes: Could you repeat the plan please? It made no sense and I think I might need to understand it so that the rest of the film is coherent?
1 hour 55 minutes: Cool, our heroes have found a hangar of fighter planes in Texas. The caveman humans learn to fly Harrier jump-jets in 6 days. Very impressive indeed!
1 hour 56 minutes: ...But since the Harriers have been sitting in a hangar for 1000 years how come they are still fully fueled and shiny with working weapons?? Never mind. I guess we're not supposed to notice that.
2 hours: Yayyy the fighting has begun! Ooo look, some pretty explosions. Cool - a building fell down! The humans are stopping to throw chairs through windows. That will defeat the aliens for sure!
2 hours 2 minutes: Hang on just one moment? Isn't this supposed to be BATTLEFIELD earth? There are about 15 humans and 10 aliens. Shouldn't they have called it 'slight scuffle earth' or 'schoolyard fight earth' instead?
2 hours 10 minutes: Please somebody kill me now.
2 hours 15 minutes: YAY! the head alien has managed to blow his entire race up by being really stupid.
2 hours 20 minutes: Where's the exit! Take me home please.