pv71989-2 Reviews

Cl.One (2005)

Better than you'd think

[6/10 · 20 May 2007]

For a first-time effort from just about everybody involved in this movie, "Cl.One" is a pretty good film (and, no, I'm not a cast member or family member of director Jason J. Tomaric). I like science fiction and I've seen my share of good and bad low-budget films. This one was made for under $25000, an achievement that puts it right into the sphere of such other gems as "El Mariachi," "Halloween" and "I Was A Teenage Werewolf."

The plot deals with a post-Apocalyptic society that seems to have recovered somewhat from a massive nuclear war. Unfortunately, every attempt at procreation ends in failure because fallout has caused infertility. So, the post-war government (an infamous "one world order") has created clones that are free of mutations and defects. Unfortunately, the clones need a consciousness and a soul, preferably from someone with good genes.

But, the down side is that a formed mind can't be put into a clone because you can't download a conscious mind into a clone (it took, say, 18 years to form the mind and downloading it in a matter of minutes would destroy the clone mind). Trying to erase memories with drugs or electronically would cause brain damage, thus candidates to activate the clones must be manipulated mentally to the verge of wanting to die.

The gist of the story centers around Derek Strombourg, the heavy-handed chancellor of New Athens, who desperately wants to find "the one" -- the person whose genes will finally activate the clones. He's not your usual bad guy in that he does have a soul and a conscience; he's just one of those guys who believes so much in his goal that he convinces himself that the end justifies the means. The target of his means is a young student named Orin Stalward who fits the profile to a tee and who Strombourg must destroy mentally (and subtly) while keeping his Utopian society in one piece.

Mayhaps that's the biggest flaw in "Cl.One." Science fiction tends to need a heavy, a bad guy who is recognizable, someone the audience can hate -- a Darth Vader, a Sauron. In the absence of that, the audience needs well thought out characters to believe, but Tomaric can't deliver that. In order to make his film, he had to use many first-time actors. The biggest name on the marquee is Charles Eduardos ("American Splendor"). The actors, including Jeff St. Clair as Strombourg, Bill Caco as Stalward, Gary Skiba as Joshua Adams and Valerie Renee Law as Mira, hold their own admirably, but can't flesh out their characters enough.

Despite what the other reviewers have said, this film is a visual splendor, a stunning achievement with a low budget. The CGI is admirable, save maybe for a train crash near the end. The sets are remarkable, considering they consist of places found in and around Cleveland, Ohio, including a city hall, a NASA facility, a museum and a brewery (sort of reminds me of "Quatermass 2" where a Shell Oil refinery substituted nicely for an alien base). The sound was nice and I had no problem hearing the dialog. And the ending was a trip; it definitely caught me off-guard, but in a good way, not a sappy, contrived "Matrix Revolutions" kind of way.

The only sfx thing I had a hard time buying was the built-up status of New Athens. The film is set four years after a nuclear war, yet New Athens looks like a futuristic city built up over decades. And I can't imagine enough technology existing to come up with flying cars and futuristic trains.

Admittedly, the film's low budget and Tomaric's novice status hurt the film's potential. A "making of..." vignette on the DVD explains that Tomaric was forced to rewrite, re-film and re-edit the movie many times over the course of seven (!) years. A catalog of deleted scenes reveals that some of them should have been used in the movie. Still, the film won many independent film awards and deservedly so.

For viewers expecting a Hollywood-style film, don't look for it here. But, don't trash it for what it isn't. Watch it for what it is -- a good film with excellent special effects that looks like it was made for a huge budget. And then wonder what Tomaric and his crew could do with a real budget.

BloodRayne (2005)

Good locales, but that's about it

[27 March 2007]

Director Uwe Boll (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale) was clearly trying to capitalize on the successes of the Resident Evil films and "Doom" when he brought "Bloodrayne" to the screen. Unfortunately, this film, which went almost straight to video, is but a shadow of those other films. The main problems involve the pacing of the film, the plot and the choice of actors.

The plot revolves around Rayne, a "dhampfir" or half human/half vampire. She is rescued from servitude to her father, Kagan -- whose vampire/thrall army is poised to overrun the civilized world -- by the remnants of the Brimstone Society. She then joins them and uses her martial arts skills and weapons skills to help find the fabled talismans, parts of a former vampire who managed to discover how to survive sunlight, water and garlic before being taken down.

First, let me say that the scenery was spectacular. Obviously, you can't find too much open space or castles to use in America anymore, but these were clearly abundant in Romania. Plus, it wouldn't seem like a vampire movie if Romania wasn't somehow involved. But, that was about the only real good thing to say about this movie. Well, that and that torrid sex scene between Rayne and a Brimstone Society warrior named Sebastian that seemed to have been added just to bring some male viewers into the theaters.

Now, for the problems. The DVD cover promised non-stop action and thrills and delivered neither. The pacing of the film slows down way too much in many scenes. The plot about the talismans comes and goes and almost seems like an aside. The plot is hard to follow and looks as if it was made up on the fly.

The characters don't get developed. SPOILER -- the Brimstone Society members don't make it out alive, but you don't get to know them well enough to care. Michael Madsen as Vladimir heads the Brimstone Society, but, despite his character having decades of experience, his sword play is amateurish. He did better with a knife in "Reservoir Dogs." Matt Davis as Sebastian looks like he just walked off the set of "What About Brian" and didn't have enough time to learn how to use a sword. As Kagan, Ben Kingsley gives a terrible performance, saved only by his natural skill as a swordsman. Kingsley is stuck on one set for the entire film and never leaves it.

Worst of all is Kristanna Lokken as Rayne, the dhampfir. She's half vampire/half human like Blade, but can't take sunlight, water or garlic. She says that Kagan is her father and that Kagan raped her mother. Later on, she says Kagan raped and then killed her mother while she watched, as a seven-year old girl, from a hiding spot in a closet, implying she was human once. It was a confusing plot line that is never resolved.

Lokken was sexy and tough as the T-X terminator in "T3: Rise of the Machines" and she did credible acting jobs in TV shows like "The L Word," "Painkiller Jane" and "Mortal Kombat: Conquest," but this role was too much. Her acting is stilted and she delivers her lines flat. A professed romance between her and Sebastian has no chemistry even as she over emotes. Her fighting skills aren't spectacular. In fact, she looks very amateurish in her moves (note: she fights with specially-designed blades that are clearly dull with rounded tips, I guess to avoid her taking out crew members).

Alas, the best acting is done by the bit players. Best of all is Michelle Rodriguez, who can't seem to get out of playing tough chick roles in "Resident Evil," "The Fast & The Furious," "SWAT" and "Lost." Can someone get her to put down the alcohol long enough for a role where she can really act and not end up dead? But, she is undone by a weak subplot involving her father, Elich, who was once a Brimstone member before he was turned into a vampire. It causes her to be the stereotypical "inside job" villain for reasons not clearly or adequately explained. At least, as Elich, Billy Zanes chews up the scenery gleefully.

Other good actors with not enough minutes are rocker Meat Loaf as Leonid; Geraldine Chapman (The Three Musketeers, Dr. Zhivago) as a fortune teller, and Udo Kier, ironically fighting vampires as opposed to leading them as he did in "Blade." With all the flat acting, poor plot and poor pacing, the worst affront is the unnecessary gore. Prepare to see monks cut in half in sprays of blood. Monks stabbed in the face with swords. Monks run through with swords. A monk whose shoulder is cleaved from his body. Rayne battles an oafish ogre and crushes his deformed skull with a spiked club and the head ruptures like a watermelon. Bodies are slashed and blood flies like Niagara Falls. In one notorious scene, thralls (humans who have thrown in with vampires, like the "familiars" from the "Blade" films) hack off a monk's arms and legs. Others cut his gut open and gleefully pound his internal organs with sticks as the blood splashes, while two others play hockey with his head. Director Boll must have thought all the blood would make his film seem more like "Doom" and "John Carpenter's Vampires." Oh and a warning. After the climactic fight, TURN OFF THE DVD!!! The last scene is a slow-motion montage of every one of the blood-gushing scenes I just described. Don't ask me why it's in the film, but it is.

Boll is making a sequel to this film, even though it grossed only $4 million worldwide and lost money. Do yourself a favor. Make the sequel lose money, too, so he'll stop butchering popular video games.

Beneath Loch Ness (2001)

"Beneath Loch Mess" is more like it

[4/10 · 27 March 2007]

I hate to say it, but computer-generated imaging (CGI) is turning out to be more of a hassle than a revelation. It is giving second- and third-rate producers the means to put out drivel such as "Octopus," "Octopus 2," "Pterodactyl" and this piece of garbage called "Beneath Loch Ness." In a nutshell, an American research team is searching for evidence of Nessie, the famous Loch Ness monster. An underwater rock slide kills the professor in charge (a lucky Dick Stilwell who gets to leave this mess behind very quickly). Was it an accident or was it Nessie? That's the question posed to Internet TV producer Elizabeth (British TV actress Lysette Anthony). She is forced to call in ex-husband Case Howell to lead the investigation.

What we then get is a blatant rip-off of "Jaws." There is a constable who refuses to listen to reason and wants to keep the loch open (just like Murray Hamilton in "Jaws"). In fact, the constable even explains his reason as it is almost the summer and the locals depend on the tourists for their livelihood (almost plagiarism right there). When the monster attacks from below, we get a monster's view of the swimmers or boaters from underneath a la Bruce the shark. A sunken boat is slowly panned like Ben Gardner's boat in the 1975 blockbuster. And -- get this -- there is even a local fisherman with a touch of the manic. Just switch "Blay" for "Quint." At the end of "Jaws," a relieved Hooper asked Chief Brody "Quint?" and Brody replied "No." Sorry about the spoiler, but Elizabeth asks Case "Blay?" and he replies "No."

That said, this film is low-budget all-around, but even low-budget should not mean "bad." The main culprit is director Chuck Comisky, a visual effects director who did such hits as "Rush Hour," "Blade" and "The Crow" as well as the IMAX thrillers "Aliens of the Deep" and "Ghosts of the Abyss." Unfortunately, visual effects directing may have gotten him close to the likes of James Cameron, but it didn't get him any directing tips. He manages to put absolutely no tension into the story. You can see events coming ten miles away. The actors get nothing in the way of direction to avoid looking two-dimensional.

As Case Howell, Brian Wimmer tries to make the best of a real acting gig. Wimmer is best known as the star and director of "The New Flipper" and also played Boonie on "China Beach" in the 80's. Irish character actor Patrick Bergin is "Blay," who describes Nessie as a creature with black eyes, which should have earned him a rebuke from Steven Spielberg. The only other recognizable face is Vernon Wells as the irritating constable with the shifting accent. Wells is Australian and best known for playing the arch-villain Ransik on "Power Rangers: Time Force" and "Power Rangers: Wild Force." Those shows were great compared to what he's been reduced to.

Also, director Comisky does an awful job of disguising American locales for Scotland. Locals speak with Irish accents. The British police cars use red lights like American cop cars, not blue lights like you see on "Prime Suspect." You never get a real view of the loch. The loch is amazingly clear in the film while it's so murky in real life that seeing three feet ahead is a real challenge. Case Howell drives on the wrong side of the road half the time. The constables drive GMC SUV's, not the British-made Land Rovers the real constables use.

The other reviewers have listed all the numerous gaffes, but a few stick out more than others. Blay suddenly finds himself in possession of CR-9, an explosive strong enough to blast out a massive cavern. Dynamite is extremely difficult to obtain in Britain, much less CR-9. Also, the divers walk around under Loch Ness like they were in a smoky room and not 800 feet underwater.

Also, in one scene, Nessie gobbles up some unlucky festival participants. But, the swimmers are only a few feet from shore, yet it suddenly gets deep enough for the 60-feet Nessie to dive deep, come up, devour them and then dive back down deep for the escape. Even the waters of the Grand Cayman Islands don't drop off that deep that close to shore.

Ah, well, I guess I could blast this film all day. But, it's my own fault for watching it. If there are real culprits here, they are Blockbuster Video's darn "4 DVD's for $20" sales and my own weakness.I find an okay film like "Doom" and then have to pick up three other substandard films to avoid paying regular price. Do yourself a favor and don't make the same mistake I did.

A Sound of Thunder (2005)

I Wish They'd Gone Back in Time to Unmake This Film

[4/10 · 18 March 2007]

Supposedly based on a classic Ray Bradbury short story, "A Sound of Thunder" does a great disservice to the science fiction master. A potentially great plot becomes a two-dimensional rip-off of such superior films as "Jurassic Park" and "Time After Time." First of all, I know that you generally have to suspend belief for science fiction. At the same time, however, you do have to have your basic facts straight. The plot involves Time Safari, a company run by Charles Hatton (Ben Kingsley in a wasted role as the stereotypical greedy businessman), that takes rich clients 65 million years into the past to hunt the dreaded Allosaurus. During one such hunt, a glitch with the weaponry causes someone to leave the guide path and interact with the environment. This causes time ripples that change the present. The company's main guide, Travis Ryer (Edward Burns of "Saving Private Ryan" & "American History X") must team up with renegade scientist Sonia Rand (Catherine McCormack of "Braveheart" & "Spy Game" in the stereotypical role of the beautiful lady scientist) to correct the mistake.

As each time ripple washes over the world, things get worse. Plant life runs amok. Carnivorous insects appear. The descendants of dinosaurs make fast food of the human race.

From the get-go, the film gets the facts wrong. The Allosaurus hunt is set for 65 million years in the past, yet this particular dinosaur had already been extinct for 80 million years at that point.

A company doctor warns two clients not to interact with the ancient environment, explaining that they might kill a butterfly that would then not pollinate a flower that might not germinate to bear seeds to feed an animal and so on and so on until someone is not born who should be or someone stays alive who should die. Yet, when the time ripples emanating from 65 million years ago wash over the city, nothing really changes. All the buildings stay around. All the people stay around. All the fake-looking CGI cars stay around. Nobody suddenly ceases to exist. None of the technology that makes the time jumps possible is affected. It's as if the city were suddenly picked up and tossed into another dimension.

Burns is the only watchable thing in the film. Ben Kingsley appears to be embarrassed to be in the movie. McCormack is rather blasé. Jemima Rooper (TV's "Sinchonicity" & "Hex") is annoying as the snot-nosed rookie Jenny and David Oyelowo ("Last King of Scotland") does his bit as the required token black guy.

The worst thing is the special effects. The CGI looks bad. The allosaurus seems to be made out of gelatin. The futuristic cars are CGI and appear rough and distorted around the edges. The actors obviously look to be walking next to screens and, in one scene with Rooper and Burns, appear to be walking in place. CGI animals in the future (or present) don't interact well with the scenery (for instance, an eel glides through water without making a ripple).

Apparently, this movie was in and out of theaters over the 2005 Labor Day weekend. I'd originally contemplated taking it in, but wisely decided not to when I saw that it didn't even crack the Top 20 in sales in its debut weekend. I got it at one of Blockbuster's 4-for-$20 events. Even $5 seems like a waste, though.

Do yourself a favor. Pass this up. If you bought it like I did, go back in time and put it back.

Varan the Unbelievable (1962)

"Godzilla, King of the Monsters" is a true classic compared to this hatchet job

[3/10 · 3 February 2007]

As we all know, ABC-TV commissioned the Japanese original in 1958, but pulled out of the deal. Toho went ahead and made it anyway, although, since it was geared towards American audiences, it never caught on in the Land of the Rising Sun (in fact, the monster only shows up for Toho once more, for a few seconds in "Destroy All Monsters"). In 1961, smalltime producer Jerry A. Baerwitz ("Fright Night") bought the American rights and came up with a hatchet job that tried to emulate Raymond Burr's version of "Godzilla" but failed miserably.

In the original, a butterfly scientist (Kozo Nomura) and a reporter (Ayumi Sonoda) break a village's religious taboo to save a kid and they accidentally rouse Baradagi, a species of dinosaur known as a Varanopod (or Varan, for short). The monster shrugs off a massive Army attack and flies out of northern Japan heading for Tokyo. Huge air and naval battles ensue.

In this Americanized version, we get TV western heavy Myron Healey ("The Gene Autry Show," "The Roy Rogers Show," "Wagon Train," "Annie Oakley") as Cdr. James Bradley. Instead of northern Japan, he is near a lake supposedly on an island near Okinawa. He is conducting desalinization tests on the lake and he kills a lot of fish, which angers the local villagers. I'm not sure why Baerwitz made him such a callous character. America comes off pretty rude and vain in this film. Tsuruko Kobayashi plays his wife Anna and Clifford Kawada plays military liaison Capt. Kishi, in a role clearly meant to emulate Frank Iwanaga's sidekick role to Raymond Burr in "Godzilla." Nomura's Kenji and Sonoda's reporter are strangely referred to as scientists named Paul and Shidori Isoh, who are working with Bradley. Unlike "Godzilla," there are no stand-ins to try to make it seem like Bradley knows them intimately.

The American version cuts the length from 90 minutes to 70. Many action scenes are cut, including the infamous Varan flying scene. The creature is called "Obaki," not "Baradagi." Instead of heading for Tokyo, Varan is said to be heading for Naha, Okinawa's largest city.

The worst part was that Baerwitz went even cheaper in the editing department. Terry Morse was able to use sound stages and outdoor shots to make it seem like Burr was interacting with the "Gojira" cast. Here, Healey, Kobayashi and Kawada either stay in a flimsy tent or drive around in a jeep. In fact, the trio had to eat up 10 minutes pretending like their jeep wouldn't run and they're scrambling to fix it so they can tell the Japanese military how to kill Varan. The trio look up off-screen as if looking at Varan, but they're still in daylight while Varan is attacking at night.

Much of the film was done in Bronson Canyon (yes, the same one seen in the likes of "Robot Monster," "Monster From Green Hell," "Night of the Blood Beast" and "It Conquered the World"). In fact, in one scene, the trio hides in a deep cave and tries to avoid the long raking claw of Varan. In long distance shots, though, they're actually in a shallow cave trying to avoid being hit by daylight.

Healey barks commands to Capt. Kishi who relays them by radio to the same Japanese radioman throughout the entire film. He even suggests using the desalinization chemicals as a way of killing Varan, thus cutting out the actual ending of the Japanese original, which was spectacular. The new cut makes it seem like Healey, whose character started the whole thing, singlehandedly saves the day. Hooray for the U.S. Navy!

It really will seem like two different films here. No interaction between casts. Completely different scenery. Two-dimensional characters. Myron Healey at least seems like he relishes the role, although he probably knew it wouldn't get him off TV and onto the big screen permanently. As Healey himself later lamented, his version of "Varan" makes you wish that ABC had stuck with the original production.

Trivia: Healey did recurring roles with Raymond Burr on "Perry Mason" and "Ironsides." He lamented to Burr that Raymond got to spend two wonderful months in Japan making "Godzilla," while he was stuck in the broiling heat of Bronson Canyon. Burr's inserts were so convincing Healey thought Raymond had actually been in Japan.

Also, most of Akira Ifukube's score is left out of the American version. Instead, Baerwitz casually borrowed the score from friend Bert I. Gordon's "Amazing Colossal Man." Finally, this travesty would not be the last hatchet job America would do on a Japanese monster movie. Check out John Carradine in "Half Human" and, later, "Godzilla 1985" with an embarrassed Raymond Burr. These wrecks are why Japan decided to go with atrocious dubbing effects.

Varan (1958)

Ironically, even the Japanese original is too "American"

[4/10 · 2 February 2007]

Don't confuse this original Japanese monster film with its cheap American version called "Varan, the Unbelievable." The American version was a hack job and a half.

Ironically, this original seems to have too much "American" in it as well. The film was commissioned by ABC-TV in 1958 and shot by Toho. Unfortunately, Toho had seen American TV and had noticed that Americans have a penchant for action -- lots of action (i.e., "War of the Worlds," "Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers," "Invaders from Mars"). Toho gave ABC what it thought they wanted. A monster movie with little plot and lots of action.

This concept turns "Baran" into a mediocre film. Even "Beast from 20,000 Fathoms" and "It Came From Beneath the Sea" had well-thought out plots and good acting.

The plot (or what is supposed to be the plot) deals with an isolated village in northern Japan. The villagers worship a god called "Baradagi." Two butterfly scientists come calling and get shunned by the high priest. They press on, find a rare butterfly and also find a huge shadow and a massive rock slide.

A reporter who is also the sister of one of the crushed scientists drags another butterfly scientist along, as well as a fat cameraman, to the village. They ignore the priest and rouse Varan, a dinosaur that trashes the village.

Unlike "Gojira" where the tension built slowly, here, there is no tension. The military responds (ineffectively) and then we see lots of attacks by the Navy, Air Force and Army. Finally, a simple solution is found to stop the monster that seems like it should have been easier (like when police launch a massive manhunt for a missing person and then find the person's car three blocks away about three weeks later, making you wonder why they didn't find it sooner).

Too many potential plot twists are left flapping in the breeze. The high priest (Akira Sira) and his villagers don't get enough screen time. The supposed romance between the butterfly scientist (Kozo Nomura) and the reporter (Ayumi Sunoda) was supposed to emulate Emiko Yemane and Ogata from "Gojira" but went nowhere as the two leads had no on-screen chemistry.

Nomura's character is so bland he actually drags down the film. His character isn't very likable either. When he gets to the village, the first thing he does is insult the priest and the village's religion. He breaks village law and rouses Baran. If he wasn't so bland, he might have redeemed himself, but fails miserably. Meanwhile, Sunoda devolves into one of Toho's most useless characters -- the reporter who never reports. Fumito Matsuo is along as the cameraman and provides yet another Toho cliché -- the comic-relief fat guy, though he does get in a classic comedic exchange with other reporters when they retreat from Baran's rampage ("You want the enemy to see your back?" "No, I'm just going to take a picture from a distance." "Good, I think I'll take one from a distance, too.")

There's a scene where everyone's retreating after the initial military attack fails. Yuriko wants to stay to report on the monster, but the scientist tells her it's no place for a reporter. Yeah, but it's obviously a place for a butterfly scientist? More credibility is killed moments later when the scientist has to rescue her from an incredibly slow-moving Varan in a scene with no suspense whatsoever.

The film's best actor is probably Akihiko Hirata as Dr. Fujimora, who supplies a weapon that might help stop Varan. Hirata was Dr. Serizawa in "Gojira" who supplied the weapon that stopped Godzilla. In "Varan," Hirata's character appears out of the blue.

Varan actually flies like a flying squirrel (it's somewhat comical because it looks like the guy in the rubber suit needed to do some stomach crunches), but is shown like that for one scene.

The special effects were okay, blending stock footage with miniatures. Unfortunately, footage was borrowed from "Gojira," thus repeating the same mistakes as that film. For instance, you can clearly see the wires holding up the jets. The scene where the monster's foot crashes through the roof of a warehouse is strangely missing the tail, just like in "Gojira." The worst thing about the special effects was a problem that was all too evident in most Japanese monster films. The miniatures fired at the monster in one take, instead of blending stock footage with close-ups of explosions on the monster. What you got were tanks, jets, ships and rocket launchers that couldn't hit the broad side of a building. About 90 percent of the shots missed. And I won't even get into that most annoying military feature -- the rocket launcher that never reloads.

Also, Varan is never fleshed out, like Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra were. Here, it might be an angry God or a revived dinosaur, but it's never explained. It just attacks and heads for Tokyo. Also, it never gets to Tokyo, just Haneda Airport. Unlike other Toho films, it doesn't take a potshot at Japan or America (like in "Mothra" where the American gas stations get trashed or Rodan, where an American-style car dealership is smashed by Japanese-made cars and buses). It's just a straight-forward monster movie -- monster shows up out of the blue, resists military efforts to kill it, rampages across countryside and is finally taken out. Very by-the-numbers.

Only Akira Ifukube's excellent movie score saves this film.

So, add this to your collection if you're a B-movie fan or like Japanese monsters. Just don't compare it to "Gojira" or even "Godzilla, King of the Monsters" for that matter.

The Fifth Element (1997)

Excellent, creative science fiction! A classic

[8/10 · 2 February 2007]

With the possible exception of "The Professional," just about anything Luc Besson does is high art. The man who did "La Femme Nikita" gets excellent performances out of his actors and managers to crowd many plot lines into a plausible script. Such is the case for "The Fifth Element." Basically, the plot (which you really won't care about when the film starts) deals with an alien culture that deposits four stones on Earth. Each stone is centered around a natural element. In the center of these stones is supposed to be a fifth element that will work with the other four to create a weapon to defeat pure evil. The aliens who placed them -- the Mondashawans -- eventually retrieve them and promise to return in 300 years.

300 years later, a massive living fireball appears and streaks towards Earth. It makes short work of space cruisers that try to nuke it, which opens the door for the typical sci-fi "only one thing can stop it" scenario.

What ensues is almost comedic mayhem as the living fireball that represents pure evil enlists an evil industrialist named Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg to get the stones. Zorg, in turn, uses subordinates when he really should do it himself. Among his cohorts are ugly aliens called Bangalores, who ambush and kill the Mondashawans, but don't get the Fifth Element (they only wanted the stones and weren't aware of just how close they came to helping destroy Earth).

The government revives the Fifth element, who as a confused humanoid named Leeloo, escapes and ends up in the cab of driver Korben Dallas. She has him take her to a priest who will know what to do.

Of course, no one knows where the stones are so Dallas, who was once a special forces soldier who left the service in a vain attempt to salvage his marriage, is brought back into service. The priest tries to save the world with Leeloo. Zorg keeps sending henchmen out for the stones and everyone is running around with heads cut off.

Sounds confusing, I know. But, it works. There are close calls, exciting car chases, excellent fight scenes and lots of comedy. The special effects are sumptuous, the music rocks and the suspense builds. The Earth of the future looks just like current Earth, except now everything flies.

Besson knows editing and just when it looks like Zorg has got the stones, the scene cuts to another character foiling his plot. For instance, Korben doesn't want to go back into service. Zorg then indifferently fires a million workers, including Korben, thus freeing up the man who will eventually challenge him.

There are lots of inside jokes that require repeated viewings to spot. Also, something rare occurs in this film. Antagonist and protagonist never meet. Korben and Zorg never face each other or even know about each other

But, the best reason to watch this film is the acting. Bruce Willis plays Korben Dallas and this film was the second of the "numbers" film that revived his flagging career (joining "The 6th Sense," "12 Monkeys" and "The Whole Nine Yards"). He doesn't have too many facial expressions, but he has an excellent sense of comic timing. Ian Holm as the priest continues to add to his impressive resume that includes "Fellowship of the Ring," "Return of the King" and "Alien." Gary Oldman ("Bram Stoker's Dracula," "Romeo Is Bleeding," "Air Force One") adds yet another sinister villain to his repertoire. I especially like how he spouts off disproved economic principles (like his speech to Holm about the need for chaos and disorder) in a cruel satire of modern corporate politics.

The only weak spot is Milla Jovovich, who plays Leeloo. The Ukrainian-born actress mostly gets to show off her body (as she does in her "Resident Evil" trilogy). She does shine, though, in a spectacular fight scene against the Bangalores, one which Besson superbly aligns with an operatic aria. Interestingly, Jovovich married Besson shortly after filming, but divorced him two years later (she is now engaged to Paul W.S. Andersen, the "Resident Evil" director).

The supporting cast is also good and they mostly play against type. Tiny Lister, a 6'7" big man used to doing strong, silent types in movies like "Posse" and "Trespass," plays the President. The late Brion James, one of Hollywood's ultimate movie villains in films like "Blade Runner," is a hoot as Korben's commanding general. Also shining is Luke Perry (yes, that Luke Perry, of "Beverly Hills 90210") as Ian Holm's assistant (he's almost unrecognizable). Add in British musician Tricky as Zorg's right-hand man whose aspirations of being a big shot don't match his abilities. Throw in a dash of French actress Maiwenn Le Besco as the scrumptious Diva Plavalaguna and you get an excellent supporting cast. The operatic aria by the Diva is one of the film's highlights.

To be sure, there are a few flaws. The countdown to the fireball hitting Earth is off by about 10 seconds. The airport is full of uncollected garbage and I still can't figure out how it fits into the film. The phone calls from Korben's mom get annoying real fast (except at the end). And Chris Tucker's flamboyant Rhuby Rod does get annoying real fast, although he does calm down at the end.

Still, get this film for your collection. It's well worth it, especially on the special DVD edition.

Pillow Talk (1959)

Dated, but still funny

[8/10 · 31 January 2007]

This is one of my favorite movies, despite the dated plot line. It was the first of the three "Rock Hudson-Doris Day-Tony Randall" sex comedies of the 1960's, although it would be rated G today. Even though Rock Hudson was gay, he could still convincingly play a ladies' man. Ironically, Randall often played milquetoast characters who seemed gay, but was straight as an arrow in real life (but that's how Hollywood was back then; beefy hunks were manly men and skinny guys were portrayed as effeminate).

The plot revolves around a shared phone party line (which automatically relegates this to the 60's). Thanks to fiber optics and cell phones, no one today has ever heard of a party line. Anyway, Rock and Doris share the line technically, but songwriter Rock hogs it to call his numerous girlfriends. Doris complains to the phone company which sets off a heated rivalry until Rock sees Doris's Jan Summers and decides to add her to his harem. It requires him to tone down the chauvinism and turn on the charm, to go from boorish Brad Allen to Rex Stetson. Tony Randall plays a friend to both and ends up playing referee between them, to both his pleasure and his chagrin.

Director Michael Gordon, who done done mostly minor movies and TV work pulls off a literal gem. He gets Doris to belt out some fabulous tunes ("Possess Me" and "Pillow Talk" among others). He decks her out in terrific wardrobes (including a diamond & turquoise necklace, earring & bracelet set worth $1,000,000!) The split screen format during the phone calls is effective.

The musical score and songs are very well done. The use of the piano during the scene at the farmhouse in Connecticut was masterful. Not a word needed to be said. Sure, the plot is dated and you can see the next scene way ahead of time, but Gordon gets such good performances out of Rock and Doris that you will readily dismiss the thought that Doris's character should have seen right through Rock's atrocious Texas drawl right away.

There are many funny lines. Rock gets in the perfect subtle dig at Doris when his "Rex" persona takes care of an inebriated Nick Adams who tried to hit on Jan because he liked "older women." Rex: As my mother used to say, never drink anything stronger than yourself. Or older."

Randall and Ritter practically steal the movie.

Randall: (when visiting Brad and trying to call Jan) "I can never get her on the phone. She shares a line with some nut."

(After getting sucker-punched by truck drivers when he tries to stop Jan from crying another 50 gallons of tears) "I've given her up on the advice of my psychiatrist. And my dentist."

(After busting in on Jan at his farmhouse after Jan's discovered Rex's ruse) "At least you could have had the decency to bring your own champagne."

The scenes where Jan discovers the real truth behind Brad's bachelor pad is a hoot, only outdone by what she does to it at the end of the film.

But, the movie really shines with its acting ensemble, most of whom were known for dramas or musicals. Day had won an Oscar for "Que Sera Sera" from "The Man Who Knew Too Much" with Jimmy Stewart and had dazzled America on the airwaves (with "Secret Love") and on the big screen in the musical classic "Calamity Jane." Rock had done westerns and war flicks like "Battle Hymn" and "Giant." Randall was his usual perfect self (he actually didn't make an acting flub until 1982 on the set of "Love Sidney"). All three had no problem transitioning to full-fledged comedy.

The supporting cast is wonderful, too. Thelma Ritter ("Rear Window," "Titanic") is excellent, although her character's alcoholism was really nothing to make fun of. Other notables include a pre-"Johnny Yuma" Nick Adams, Hayden Rourke ("I Dream of Jeannie"), songstress Perry Rockwell, Miss France 1954 Jacqueline Beer, "Ed Sullivan" regular Julia Meade, French film legend Marcel Diao and Allan Jenkins (more familiar as the voice of Officer Dibble & Joe Rockhead, among other characters, for Hanna-Barbera).

There are some things that don't work in this film. One is Ritter's aforementioned alcoholism (except when she drinks Rock under the table). Another is the homophobia (Brad infuriates Jan by hinting that "Rex" is overly devoted to his mother; ironically, Randall & Rock inadvertently pull off a totally gay moment in a nightclub). Thirdly, Rock and Tony make fun of a fat woman at a restaurant. Finally, when Jan complains to the phone company that Brad might be a sexual pervert, the phone company sends a lone female employee to investigate (there'd be a sure lawsuit today).

Also ruining the plot is a completely needless subplot about male pregnancy. The actors involved try to play it serious, but it's so ludicrous and out-of-place, it throws the movie off-kilter.

All in all, try to get all three of the Rock-Doris-Tony sex comedies (the other two being "Lover Come Back" and "Send Me No Flowers"; "Lover" is the worst of the three, if only for Doris's absolutely awful wardrobe ensembles). But, if you can only find one, make it "Pillow Talk." It's dated, but still very funny.

Screamers (1995)

Could have been better if...

[5/10 · 28 January 2007]

Most films based on the works of famous science fiction writers usually are hit or miss at the box office (case in point -- H.G. Wells, Jules Verne, Isaac Asimov, Phillip K. Dick). Dick got big-budget, big-name casting and directing for three of his stories (that became "Blade Runner," "Total Recall" and "Minority Report"). Unfortunately, the same could not be done for "Screamers." It's a shame because it's ultimately a neat film. For those who have read "Second Variety," the Dick story on which this film is based, it might be disappointing. But, for the average sci-fi fan, it should be okay. Short stories must often be changed to fill time and to be updated for the current age.

As such, "Screamers," which, as a short story, dealt with the Americans and Russians facing off after a devastating nuclear war, had to be changed when the Soviet Union collapsed. Thus, the film's location is changed to Sirius B, a mining colony where civil war has sprouted between the mine workers and scientists (known as the Alliance) and the NEB's (New Economic Block), who are basically corporate honchos who want their valuable berynium dug out despite the radiation hazards.

To gain an edge over the NEB's superior equipment and firepower, the Alliance builds Screamers, nasty little self-sufficient killing robots that announce their arrival with ear-piercing shrieks. For those who hear it, it usually means they're seconds away from being sliced and diced. The Screamers are built by Artificial Intelligence in an underground factory to keep the NEB's from finding it. The Alliance soldiers wear special tabs to keep the Screamers at bay. Unfortunately, although the Screamers balance the scales in the war, they create a stalemate. NEB soldiers can't leave their bunkers for fear of being sliced and diced. Alliance troops can't leave their bunkers for long for fear of being shot to pieces by long-range weaponry.

Into this we have Commander Joe Hendrickson, a divorced Alliance soldier who's quite comfortable with the status quo, even as his second-in-command, Chuck, dreams of going home. Even when the NEB's have gone quiet for six weeks, Joe is content with his routine.

Things change when a NEB soldier gets sliced and diced right outside Joe's bunker as he delivers a peace offer. Then, a transport plane crashes nearby, but instead of civilians, it carries Alliance troops and nuclear weapons. A lone survivor named Ace Jefferson explains that the Alliance is off to attack a new NEB planet to secure berynium and that Sirius B has been forgotten. This spurs Joe into accepting the peace offer. So, he takes Ace with him to the NEB bunkers.

Here, the story gets weird. The pair encounter new Screamers, more sophisticated than the originals. While the humans got complacent, the robots didn't. We get to see Type I's, Type 2's, Type 3's and Type 4's -- a lizard, a boy named David, a wounded soldier and a mysterious type. The humans soon realize they might have held off on peace negotiations a little too long.

The acting here is solid. Peter Weller (Robocop, Robocop II, TV's 24 and Odyssey 5) is excellent as Hendrickson. Andy Lauer (TV's Caroline in the City) plays Ace with just the right amount of fear-based hubris. The supporting cast is okay, although Roy Dupuis as Becker is wooden. Jennifer Rubin does exude some sexiness, but her romance with Joe comes off as unbelievable. Ron White as Chuck does good, too, while the late Bruce Boa does his usual affable job in a cameo. Probably the best of the supporters is Charles Edwin Powell as Ross, a cowardly NEB who gets so irritating even a deaf man would want to kill him.

The special effects are okay for the budget, save for a fight scene near the end. There are some disturbing scenes, especially when Becker shoots a David. Up until then, we were supposed to believe the boy is real.

The one main thing that hampers this movie is its director, Christian Duguay. Prior to "Screamers," he'd done "Scanners II" and "Scanners III," both of which went straight to video. So, he may have seemed perfect for this low-budget French Canadian thriller. But, he destroys the tension, most likely unintentionally, by giving away the identities of the advanced Screamers early on. For instance, when Becker is sighting his long-range target scope on Joe, Ace and the David, we see that all three are marked as "armed" two different times, so clearly we find out the David is a Screamer. Thus, when he's shot, it's not as shocking as it should be.

The wounded soldier Screamer acts virtually like a robot during most of his scenes, walking with his eyes forward and treading through knee-high water with nary a thought while the humans are constantly scanning the area for trouble. The mysterious Type 4 pours boiling hot water into a pan and then swirls its hands in it with absolute no reaction. It was hard to believe Peter Weller's character would miss those obvious signs, but he had to, I guess, to keep the film going.

I realize liberties have to be taken to turn a short story into a feature-length film, but Duguay overdid it. Out of the blue, he adds a totally new Screamer (that doesn't scream, by the way) at the end. In the scheme of things, the whole scene was unnecessary. The ending is different from the book, too, but that's okay as story endings don't have to entice several million movie goers into parting with ten bucks.

To sum it up, "Screamers" is an okay movie that could have been more, even with its limited budget, had it been directed by a better director.

It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955)

Not Harryhausen's best, but a good film nonetheless

[5/10 · 13 January 2007]

Let's face it. Ray Harryhausen, who learned from the legendary Willis O'Brien (King Kong), saves this film and is the only real reason to watch. The rest of the film is a paint-by-numbers plot that could be switched out with many other '50's giant monster flicks.

The plot deals with a giant octopus that becomes irradiated by hydrogen bomb tests. The radiation warns away its natural prey, so it comes to the surface for food. It attacks a submarine commanded by Kenneth Tobey (Thing from Another World, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Howling, Airplane), where it loses a tip of its tentacle. Later, it attacks a ship, kills some swimmers and becomes a menace to all when it stops off in San Francisco where it most assuredly decides not to wear flowers in its hair. Science joins with military might to come up with a solution.

Harryhausen's stop-motion magic makes the beast come alive, especially when it pulls down a tanker at sea, wraps itself around the Golden Gate Bridge and later smashes it way through the Ferry Building and the Embarcadero on Frisco's waterfront.

Unfortunately, when the beast isn't around, the story slows to a dull pace. Tobey is aided by two scientists, both of whom join him in a not-very-believable love triangle, but such fare was standard for Hollywood. Dr. John Carter is played by Donald Curtis (Earth Vs. The Flying Saucer, The Amazing Mr. X), while Leslye Joyce is played by the ever-luscious Faith Domergue (This Island Earth, Cult of the Cobra, Voyage to a Prehistoric Planet). The two expert scientists somehow take two weeks to learn that the tip of the tentacle comes from an octopus.

The love triangle makes for some odd situations, such as when Tobey and Domergue find evidence that the beast has attacked and killed a family off the coast of Oregon. While waiting for help to arrive, they change into swimsuits and go fishing! Obviously, the plot twist was to make the romance blossom, but it actually makes them look stupid since they know the beast is in the area. But, hey, it got Faith Domergue into a swimsuit and that's what counted. It was the 50's and Domergue was the perfect sweater girl.

Of the three principals, Domergue comes off as the most disappointing. She touts herself as being equal to men and even Donald Curtis' character says she's a new breed of women. But, just like in "This Island Earth," when the action gets hot, she's shunted off to the side like a helpless female. She says she doesn't want to be ordered around, then lets Tobey's character order her food for her. She wants to be treated like everyone else, then resorts to sexual come-ons to get information out of a tanker survivor. She says she's dying for a chance to see the beast, then screams and flees to Tobey's shoulder when the beast appears. Unfortunately, it would be almost 30 years before Ellen Ripley and Sarah Conner showed up.

That said, most of the film's problems stemmed from its low budget. Just like in "Them," the low budget meant the lead characters had to be supermen, running all over the west coast to investigate things, as if there was no one else available.

The film was produced by Charles H. Scheer, who worked with Harryhausen on films like "Jason & The Argonauts," "Clash of the Titans", "20 Million Miles to Earth" and three Sinbad pictures. The film was written by Hal Smith and George Worthing Yates. Strangely, Smith quit with such dark fare after this film and become a well-known voice-over artist for Disney and Hanna-Barbera. Yates continued with his dark work in such films as "Earth Vs. The Spider," "The Amazing Colossal Man," "War of the Colossal Beast" and "King Kong vs. Godzilla," among others.

Sadly, director Robert Gordon, who had been a B-movie actor in the 30's, never achieved too much after this movie. He became a TV director (The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, Mr Friend Flicka, Maverick) before flaming out on screen with "The Gatling Gun" in 1973.

Some odd things to look for:

1) The beast rises out of the ocean to attack a tanker and the crew immediately abandon ship into the water with the beast.

2) The overlays. Harryhausen couldn't build a miniature of the Embarcadero and had to meld his beast over stock footage, resulting in drivers calmly passing underneath the menacing tentacles as if they were an everyday sight.

3) Like in other monster flicks of the 50's, democracy doesn't come out smelling like a rose. As usual, the government purposely sits on info about deadly menaces. This film shows the Navy keeping a lid on the monster story, even closing off the shipping lanes of the Pacific Ocean to all nations under threat of U.S. naval might, like Big Brother gone wild.

All in all, an enjoyable flick once it gets to the beast. When the beast isn't around, the film is literally a fish out of water (sorry for the pun).

Gappa the Triphibian Monster (1967)

Call it what you want -- standard, run of the mill, by the numbers

[4/10 · 13 January 2007]

This is basically an average, run-of-the-mill, standard-formula, by-the-numbers film. No more, no less. It has its good parts and its bad parts and plenty of clichés. The only things lacking are three-dimensional characters and a real love story.

The plot deals with an expedition that goes to a South Pacific island looking for plants and animals with which to stock a new amusement park back in Japan. Instead, they discover a baby Gappa, a prehistoric lizard. Scientists see a valuable study opportunity. The businessmen aboard see a prime attraction for their park and so, against the wishes of the islanders, they take the baby away.

Of course, baby has parents. Parents wreck the island and then Japan looking for baby. Nasty humans finally wise up and return baby.

Unfortunately for this movie, which was released in 1967, the theme was done much better the previous year with the British classic "Gorgo." It was also done much better in Japan in the early 60's in "Mothra" and "Godzilla vs. The Thing." The best thing about the film is the special effects and that's saying a lot.

Sadly, the special effects were directed by Akira Watanabe, who did the groundbreaking work in "Gojira/Godzilla, King of the Monsters." In this movie, the creative-looking monsters stomp things and walk around in real time (to imply immenseness, Watanabe had the actor in the Godzilla suit walk slower and also slowed the film down a little), so it doesn't achieve the desired result. The monsters mysteriously shoot heat beams and are impervious to modern weapons (whereas in "Gojira," Watanabe could explain the atomic breath and hardened skin are fallout from the hydrogen bomb). Still, the military action is fast-paced and exciting, although I wonder still where they got all those missiles from.

Ironically, scientists come up with a way to use sound waves to drive the monsters nuts and get them out of a lake so that missiles can be used, yet no one thinks to use the sound waves to drive the monsters away for good.

One thing that was unintentionally funny. When the Gappas fly, it looks really cheesy. You'll instantly think of the flying monkeys from "The Wizard of Oz," only the Gappas look far worse.

If anything, even a Grade B movie needs decent, fleshed-out characters. This movie has none. The main scientist is two-dimensional. His female assistant has a heart of ice. A reporter is one in name only (you never even see the guy reporting or writing). The love story between the reporter and the female scientist goes nowhere, even at the end. The little boy from the island who wants Gappa to be freed is so annoying you want the Gappas to step on him.

All in all, this is an enjoyable film for the action. But, don't go expecting "Gojira." By 1967, those days were long gone.

Interestingly, the film had some weird satirical elements, most of which failed. The expedition is welcomed to the island by natives who have been waiting for the promised return of the Japanese. It seems the island was occupied during WWII by the Japs and the islanders think that the Japanese were kind and gentle.

Also, the financier of the expedition runs a magazine called "Playmate" and wants to call his theme park "Playmateland." The magazine is supposed to cater to kids, but my first though was that it was a play on "Playboy." The worst satire had to be the ending. The female scientist laments her actions in helping bring the baby Gappa back. So, she decides to give up her career and be a "normal" girl. In Japan, where the feminist movement didn't catch on for another 20 years, it was okay. But, seeing that the movie was released in 1967, I don't think that would have garnered many laughs in America.

What's Up, Hideous Sun Demon (1989)

You might never look at Jay Leno the same way again

[5/10 · 10 January 2007]

Jay Leno is absolutely hilarious in this send-up of low-budget monster flicks from the 1950's. Made back in 1989 before Leno took over "The Tonight Show" from Johnny Carson, "What's Up, Hideous Sun Demon" (also known as "Revenge of the Sun Demon") deletes the original dialogue from "The Hideous Sun Demon" and adds voice-overs with funny dialogue.

The original movie was written and directed by Robert Clarke, who also gave us the notorious "Astounding She-Monster" (replete with a well-built alien babe in a skin-tight leotard). Appropriately, "What's Up" adds in some funny (and probably inappropriate) scenes with Robert's son Cameron (best known as the voice of Leonardo in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles") as his father's scientist character. I can't specifically mention the scenes, but they do involves a quest for condoms and an over-sized sex toy.

There's also an inappropriate scene where voice-overs suggest that a 10-year old girl is a pothead with a blue streak a mile wide when she talks to her mom (Mom: Let me smell your breath. Have you been smoking grass again? Little Susie Peckerwood: Oh yeah. I got the munchies like a mo-fo).

Barbara Goodson (Rita Repulsa from the many reincarnations of "Power Rangers") covers the original role of Patricia Manning well and Susan Tyrell (Academy Award nominee in "Fat City") is hilarious filling in for Nan Peterson's well-endowed and ditsy nightclub girl. Bernard Behrens covers several male voices. All three get some good line, but, Jay Leno steals the show with material you definitely won't hear on "The Tonight Show."

Some of his classic lines: "Maybe it was the lizard sperm. On second thought, I think it was the plutonium."

"There was only one word to describe what I needed: Poontang!"

The spoof was written and directed by Craig Mitchell, a writer known mostly for the straight-to-video horror flick "Komodo." He enlisted close friends like Googy Gress, Mark Holton, Goodson, Tyrell and Behrens for the film, but apparently caught Leno in between comedy gigs. Maybe Leno needed the money while filling in as guest host for Carson. Maybe he missed some fine print. But, for some reason, Leno was never credited for his narration. You won't find his name anywhere in the credits or on the DVD cover. I'm not sure why. He occupies 75 percent of the movie and carries the whole film. You actually find yourself wanting to fast forward to get to his parts.

That aside, IMDb.com knows he's in the movie and that's all you need to know. Get this flick, if only to hear Leno's crazy, hilarious dialogue.

I'd have rated this 6-out-of-10, but had to knock off a point for the Susie Peckerwood scenes. They should have been left on the cutting room floor or, at least, rewritten.

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

Among the best of the "nature gone wild" flicks

[7/10 · 9 January 2007]

Considered a cult classic, this "nature gone wild" flick easily stands out from the pack. The plot involves hordes of tarantulas besieging a small Arizona town (curious note: Arizona has been besieged in "Monolith Monsters," "Tarantula" and "Eight-Legged Freaks" as well) when Man's spraying of DDT wipes out their normal food supply.

The film begins slowly with mysterious animal deaths including a prized calf owned by local farmer Walter Colby (Woody Strode). In comes a local vet (William Shatner) and a university expert (Tiffany Bolling). They discover massive mounds with millions of tarantulas and try to destroy them. They try to convince the townspeople, including the typically asinine mayor, about the danger, but it doesn't matter. The spiders are coming and don't care who is in their way.

The spiders scenes are absolutely creepy. They're everywhere, getting stepped on, rolled over and burned, but more take their place. Two of the creepiest scenes are when a little girl swings above the grass while hundreds of spiders try to leap up at her feet just two feet below, and then when the sheriff explains a death to a local farmer's wife and a tarantula sits on a nearby fence only to slowly crawl away when she breaks out into hysterics, as if it were listening. Also, the scenes of the spiders getting into the kitchen, spiders attacking a rat (one of the so-called weapons against the tarantulas) and tarantulas attacking the town of Verde Valley are effective.

Kudos to the actors and extras who had to have real tarantulas crawling all over them.

Then, there is the ending. I won't spoil it, but it ripped away from conventional horror endings with a stunning finale.

An excellent cast makes the movie flow. We get William Shatner, Tiffany Bolling, Woody Strode, Lieux Dressler and David McLean (better known as the Marlboro Man). The excellent supporting cast includes veteran stuntmen Bill Coontz and Whitey Hughes, as well as Altovise Davis (Sammy Davis Jr.'s wife), Joe Ross, Hoke Howell, Roy Engle and Marcy Lafferty (who was then married to Shatner).

Filmographer, stuntman and director John "Bud" Cardos leads this cult gem.

All in all, a good effort, despite a few flaws (a film crewman's hand appears inside a "moving" truck and a closed truck door is suddenly open a few seconds later).

Trivia: The three principals of "Star Trek" all did "nature gone wild" films. Shatner here, DeForest Kelley in "Night of the Lepus" and Leonard Nimoy (seen briefly in "Them").

Night of the Lepus (1972)

Fine cast, good acting, but, hey, it's about rabbits

[4/10 · 6 January 2007]

In the '70's, the theme was "nature gone wild." To that end, we had such films as "Kingdom of the Spiders," "Piranha," "It Happened at Lakewood Manor," "Alligator" and "Day of the Animals." On the flip side, we also got "Piranha II: The Spawning," "Alligator 2" and "Empire of the Ants." "Night of the Lepus" belongs somewhere in the middle. An excellent cast tries gamely in what should have been played tongue-in-cheek, but they were undone by a silly premise. You hug bunny rabbits, you don't shoot them, burn them and electrocute them.

The plot is cliché: Man faces problem from pest, asks scientists to help, scientists screw up unintentionally and huge ravenous beasts are spawned to ravage small town America (by the way, why is Arizona always the target -- "Tarantula," "Kingdom of the Spiders," "Eight-Legged Freaks").

The special effects were okay for what they had to work with. Low camera angles to make the bunnies look big, expertly-crafted miniatures and even fake blood smeared on rabbits and lifelike human dummies. Unfortunately, the killings had to be done by stunt men in rabbit suits (and you thought men in Hefty garbage bags in "Giant Leeches" was a low point).

A game cast and a willing director almost pull it off (almost). William Claxton was mostly a TV director when he got this assignment. The actors were still in their prime, so I don't know why they took this commission, but they gave their all. For the main cast, we get Stuart Whitman (City Beneath the Sea, Darby's Rangers), reclusive Janet Leigh (Psycho, Manchurian Candidate, A Touch of Evil), Rory Calhoun (TV's "The Texan"), DeForest Kelley ("Star Trek") and Paul Fix (Sheriff Micah on "The Rifleman"). The director added some nice touches with a supporting cast of vets, including Henry Wills, Chuck Hayward, Francesca Jarvis, William Elliott, Don Starr and I. Stanford Jolley. Also, look for legendary radio & TV broadcasters "Uncle" Bob Hardy and Jerry Dunphy.

Spoilers A word of warning: if you adore rabbits, have kids that like rabbits, work for the ASPCA or are associated with PETA, DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM.

You will see regular-sized rabbits herded into fences and dumped into sacks and trash barrels. You will see monster-sized rabbits blasted by rifles and shotguns, burned by flares and flamethrowers and electrocuted on railroad tracks. You will see rabbits smeared with blood as they eat people, horses and cattle.

If you are not fazed by this, then you will be laughing your arse off. B movies are always the funniest when they're not meant to be and how this cast thought they could pull off the film without unintentional laughs is beyond me.

It's on DVD now on Amazon.com, so buy it for some late-night laughs and a chance to see DeForest Kelley after "Star Trek" and Janet Leigh, who'd gone into seclusion after the mid-60's.

Megalodon (2002 Video)

So much promise, so little delivery

[4/10 · 8 November 2006]

So far, all attempts to make the extinct Megalodon into the next big monster (a la T-Rex from "Jurassic Park" or Bruce from "Jaws") have failed miserably. Steve Alten's bestseller "Meg" was followed up by an incredibly lame sequel. "Shark Attack III: Megalodon" was horrible, despite the Tom Cruise lookalike. There was a German effort a couple of years ago and the only bad thing that didn't appear in it was David Hasselhoff.

Of the efforts, "Megalodon" succeeds the most and that's stretching it. The premise, of course, follows the typical cliché of a small group of people inexplicably trapped in a confined area by a monster. It worked okay for "Deep Blue Sea" but not so much here. This time, oil rig workers and a TV crew accidentally unleash heretofore extinct fish from an underwater cavern.

What made "Deep Blue Sea" so good was the superior acting of Saffron Burrows, Samuel L. Jackson, Thomas Jane and Stellan Skaarsgard. We don't get much good acting in this film. Female lead Leighanne Littrell's only claim to fame is being married to Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys. Her acting is strictly two-dimensional and straight-out throwaway (if her role had suddenly been erased at the last moment, no one would have noticed because her character wasn't made essential to the movie's plot).

Anyway, reporter Christen Giddings (Littrell) and her dorky cameraman Jake (Fred Belford) go to the world's largest oil rig up in the Arctic (or someplace close enough to surround the rig with ice floes). There, we meet the rig owner Pete Brazier (Robin Sachs) and few of his workers (played by Mark Sheppard, Al Sapienza and Jennifer Sommerfield, to name a few).

The drill head penetrates an underwater cavern at 5000 feet, unleashing prehistoric fish and, eventually, a megalodon.

The only real acting is done by Sachs (best known for being Ethan Rayne on "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and for hosting "Box Office America" on PBS for the last 10 years) and Sapienza (Philly Falzone on "Prison Break" and Mikey Palmice on "The Sopranos"). For some reason, Sommerfield gets the infamous "and" tag on her name in the credits, like she's a special guest star, although her resume shows nothing but one-time guest shots on TV shows. Whatever the case, she doesn't live up to the billing. Mostly, she goes to pieces and starts crying.

There is little in the way of thrills. The only real one is when the workers pull a prehistoric fish out of a suction hose and it attacks a rig worker a la "Leviathan." The creature effect of the fish is great (not CGI) and the fish really looks frightening. Alas, the worker who was attacked is sent off-screen a few minutes later for medical treatment and that storyline is lost.

Other mini plots are revealed and discarded. Sachs tells rig workers about an underwater methane leak and shows a glowing red spot in the sea near the rig. After that, we never hear of the methane leak again and the glow disappears. When the cavern opens, hundreds of prehistoric fish escape and very little is said about them or what kind of havoc they might be wreaking (I could imagine the producers already prepping a sequel). The other rig workers disappear after one scene and, save for a disembodied voice, are never heard from again.

Just like in "Jurassic Park," "Deep Blue Sea" and other copycats, a bad storm comes along so that the Coast Guard can't show up to save the day. The attempt to create a claustrophobic atmosphere fails glaringly.

The underwater scenes are CGI and they look very believable. There is a fantastic shot of the cavern, filled with luminescent fish. But, even CGI has its limits and you'll see that when the megalodon appears and attacks.

The shark attacks with all the aplomb of a bored movie star. Only one guy is eaten and that looks so fake I had no real desire to hit the rewind button. The shark attacks on the mini-subs are not convincing (indeed, the actors inside act more like they're getting ready to ride "Pirates of the Caribbean" at Disneyworld than they do reacting to being attacked by a 70-foot shark).

By the way, the movie is 91 minutes long. But, the shark scenes occur in the last 30 minutes. The shark attacks actually occur in the last 20 minutes, far too late to make this movie as good as it could have been.

I won't say who lives and who dies, but I will say the ending flat out sucked. A speech about environmentalism near the end comes out of nowhere.

The movie was directed by Pat Corbitt. You'll also notice that his company does the digital effects. At first, you might think he's a director who happens to own a CGI company. By the end of the film, you'll realize Pitts is a man with a CGI company who thought he could direct a movie.

It's not a terrible film. It's just lackluster and average, with a lot of wasted potential.