and-80317 Reviews

Splice (2009)

Wasted potential.

[5/10 · 16 September 2020]

Great visuals and designs wasted on an immensly frustrating and illogical story and mind-bogglingly idiotic characters that seem to be that idiotic simply in order for things to actually happen at all, because anyone else would've stopped in the first 10 minutes of this movie and gone "Wait, hold on, this is insane.". Not to mention that their lab would've ABSOLUTELY notice this happening and they would NOT have kept this secret for as long as they did. Come to think of it, why did one of the main characters even get to work at this lab to begin with? She's clearly friggin insane and devoid of morality or ethics. THE CEO'S ARE THE ONES THAT ARE SENSIBLE AND REASONABLE!

That aside, the highlight of the movie is cute yet repulsive and unnerving. The monster design and the acting for it is great. It really brings home how vile and immoral what these lab workers have done really is. You feel both empathy and revulsion towards the creature.

Pandorum (2009)

Dazzles with twists!

[8/10 · 16 September 2020]

What at first appears to be a fairly standard sci-fi horror with some standard sci-fi horror elements and characters eventually does more twists than your grandma in the 50's. And much like your wonderful grandma, these twists are interesting and turn this around quite quickly, back and forth. You think you know what will happen, but I promise, you won't. YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE SUBVERTED! In a good way.

The Fourth Kind (2009)

So, so boring.

[1/10 · 16 September 2020]

The worst mockumentary I've seen. Tension doesn't exist. Scares are jumpscares. The intro is a lie about how it's all based on "real events" of some hidden archive or other, a story that was concocted by the studio who also made a fake website for the launch of this movie. The fake website contained fake news articles, but included the name of a real Alaskan newspaper, who sued the makers over the fake articles and won. Usually there's a little ounce of truth to some of these mockumentaries, but when you learn that even the so-called archive footage is faked, all the characters are fake and nobody's identities are being hidden because none of them ever existed, you feel cheated and insulted. I suppose this movie started the trend of making up fake garbage to make a movie seem interesting, but all it does to me is make me angry at people who think I'm so stupid I'd let myself be manipulated like that.

Even on it's own it's an awful movie because it's SO BORING.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

Bland, dull and extremely cliché.

[1/10 · 12 March 2020]

I managed to watch 50 minutes of this painfully dull movie. The characters are like a caricature of 80's movie stereotypes to the point where it's laughable. They're so predictable I feel insulted watching it because whoever wrote this seems to think I'm an idiot. It's like the writer or writers saw Stranger Things and went "I WANT TO BE THAT!". It truly is insulting to watch. Even if this is a movie aimed towards teenagers, that's no excuse to make it this absurdly shallow and lazy. You can predict what will happen, you can predict what the characters will do, you can predict the monsters.

During a scene in the movie, the female protagonist drops the book to the ground in fear as she and her male friend can see the book writing on an empty page, and the line for the male friend is "How does it work?". Yeah, that's what I'd say when I see a haunted book start writing in blood, "How does it work?".

And of course, the worst offense in this horror movie, is that it's not even remotely scary. Not even a little. The monsters show up, in plain sight, there's nothing frightening about it. There's no tension at all.

Garbage movie.

Masquerade (2012)

It's just Kagemusha.

[1/10 · 22 February 2020]

Just watch Kagemusha that this movie rips off like it's doing this for the first time.

Await Further Instructions (2018)

Interesting but shallow

[6/10 · 20 November 2019]

Goes interesting ways with the worlds most dysfunctional family in existance and some hilariously clichéd characters. Pretty good acting, fun creature effects and cool concept, but in the end it's all just to really, really hamfistedly state "TV is bad on Christmas."

The Predator (2018)

Immature and stupid.

[1/10 · 19 November 2019]

It's like a bunch of frat boy bro's wrote a movie script. It's hilarious. The characters are complete idiots. The boy is "autistic", the bad authors excuse for making a character illogically intelligent. The universe most deadly killer gets upped by a buncha morons and an "autistic" boy. Skip this garbage.

Venom (2018)

PG13 though :/

[7/10 · 19 November 2019]

Pretty good. Great casting, great CG. I just love the Venom character, a true anti-hero. But it's really, really held back by being PG13. Again, I'm gonna guess that pandering to China was what made it PG13, due to China's ridiculous censorship rules.

The Meg (2018)

The Chinese ruin another movie.

[1/10 · 19 November 2019]

This movie is based on a book, but was severely changed in order to fit China and the Chinese into it. The Chinese actors are horrible, the drama is clichéd and predictable, the characters act like aliens trying to act like human beings (something I've noticed is typical for Chinese actors). It could've been a great monster movie, because when the shark itself is in involved it's usually good. The rewriting of the book and the insertion of Chinese locations and actors has completely ruined it. Maybe the Chinese enjoy this pandering trash, but I don't.

Ayla (2017)

What a snore

[1/10 · 19 November 2019]

Must be some kind of artsy rubbish you gotta be really far up your own bum to enjoy, 'cus I sure didn't. Really boring. Not even remotely scary so why this is a called horror I don't know.

Stephanie (I) (2017)

zzzzzzz

[1/10 · 19 November 2019]

What a freaking snore of a movie. And it's so weird seeing a child actor like this that doesn't act like a child. Does the director like pizza?

Ghost Stories (I) (2017)

Pretty nice, but at times ineffective.

[3/10 · 18 November 2019]

This movie is a bit confused. It doesn't know what it wants to be. First it's a mockymentary, but that goes away quickly. Then it's actually some ghost stories, but they're done (apart from most of the first story) in mostly non-scary ways, often in daylight. Then it wants to be about wondering what's real and what isn't. After that, it becomes a story about the protagonist trying to own up to past mistakes for some reason. It's well acted, the stories are good and the protagonist story might've been good if it weren't for how confused the movie is. But then comes the twist at the end, which I felt made no sense and just annoyed the f"%! out of me. And then at the very end just before credits, you get another "twist" which tries to imply "YEAH BUT IS THIS REAL? HAHA GOTCHA" and it's just stupid and shallow.

I cannot recommend it.

Gnaw (2017)

Painfully slow.

[18 November 2019]

40 minutes of nothing before things starts to happen and even then it's all just about how she keeps getting more bites with everyone around her being a imbecile, ignoring everything and how SHE IS COVERED WITH BITE MARKS. The police don't care, her neighbours don't care, the hospital doesn't care. And it keeps going back to her back story about her abusive boyfriend that I can't give a rats behind about. I watched an hour of this before I stopped because NOTHING HAPPENS. In an hour of watching, the only hint of a monster you ever get is a drawing on a wall (the poster of the movie) and the bite marks she keeps getting. I expected it'd be a buncha little bugs, like the ravenous scarabs of The Mummy or some disgusting worms or whatever. Nope. I skipped ahead to see what the monster was and... IT'S A LITTLE BAT YOU BARELY GET TO SEE. HOW IS THIS SCARY?! They even made an out of focus shot of their little ugly hand puppet bat sitting in a towel with shiny eyes, but you can't tell what it is because the shot is so out of focus. Most likely because the puppet looks bad if it were in focus.

Not scary, not interesting, not anything. In the start it even felt like a comedy due to her goofy, overly friendly neighbor. Acting is all fine, no complaints there. But as a horror movie, this fails miserably.