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Bart_Mancuso
Reviews
The Wicker Man (2006)
Hilarious!!... For all the wrong reasons!
There seems to be a lot of this trend going around lately, and frankly I am not complaining. This whole thing with horror movies containing scenes so silly the only horror you'll experience is busting a gut laughing your ass off. Everyone knows about the "How'd it get burned?!" Scene, but that's just the tip of the iceberg! Where else are you gonna find a scene where Nicholas Cage points a gun at a woman on a bicycle and tells her "STEP AWAY FROM THE BIKE!", then in another scene comes downstairs and just on the spur of the moment, punches a woman knocking her out cold. Then Nicholas Cage dons a bear suit and punches another woman... I can't believe I just said that. I only give this movie a 2 out of ten because this movie needed more of these silly scenes, then at least it would have attained to a "so-bad-it's-good" status. As it is though, The Wicker Man even with it's scenes of ridiculousness is only good for one, maybe two viewings then you'll never want to watch it again.
American Playhouse: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983)
Absurd, but at one point it had potential.
The story if you look at it from a broader perspective really isn't that bad. But when you put it under a microscope it meets every definition of the word absurd. They plug a guy into the matrix, er I mean the HX-368 or whatever and has to live his life as a freedom fighter named Neo, err I mean a monkey named Daisy. Then he has to help an oppressed culture called the Na'vi who are a peaceful and primitive people, I mean... he gets stuck inside an interactive simulation called the Matrix...what? Actually what I am trying to say is that Overdrawn at the memory bank on its surface is really not all that retarded when you look at it when compared to stories like the Matrix and Avatar.
It's just that Overdrawn at the memory bank's writers decided to not clue us in on anything to have the story make any sense! Why is Fingal going to die if he doesn't get out of the Matrix--I mean the HX-368! How exactly does Fingal manage to interface the computer by reversing the access code!? What does this all mean? Why should we care? These answers unfortunately are not ever answered. The writers wanted to portray a 1984-esque future without any explanation for anything that's going on, and that makes the story pretty lame... just like Avatar. Oh, and for some reason in the future everyone hates anteaters.
Quarantine (2008)
Unintentionally funny and massively stupid
From the get-go you gotta wonder the following words: "what is the point????" I mean it. What is the point of this damn movie?! The end of the movie is spoiled by not just the trailer, but the official movie poster too!!! Secondly, if all these people are trapped in the building cordoned off by the CDC and they will be shot and killed for so much as looking out the window, what is the point of the rest of the movie?! They can't get out, they're not going to find a cure, so the conclusion is about the most obvious thing in the world. What is the point of this movie except to be another sloppy POV horror flick? It wasn't even as good as Cloverfield(Which by the way I did not like at all), and it was silly when the cameraman uses the lens(Yes, the lens!) of his camera to beat the living hell out of a rage Zombie coming at him. The lens and the camera however are perfectly intact. So much for the realism huh? Anyways everyone in the movie is also a complete damn moron because they all make really stupid, really dumb decisions atypical of anyone who is in a horror movie. They handcuff a zombie to the stairway, they are completely clueless when they see a human that should be dead walking around going "BRAINSS!!! BRAINNNNSSS!!!". This movie is just stupid, silly, weak, and I hope to God that this is the end of the retarded POV genre that began with the Blair Witch project... or was it the Bare wench project?
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
Star Warts
Honestly, we are probably very lucky that Star Wars didn't completely die after this special aired way back in 1978. This horrible special could have spelled the death of Star Wars once and for all, so if you ask me they should have waited to kill Star Wars movies AFTER 1983. Long and short though, this so-called special(Which is nothing of the kind by the way), is so bad because it's nothing but shameless and pointless cameos from people like Art Carney, Dihann Carrol, Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman and the band Jefferson Starship. There are several endless minutes spent on scenes that have nothing to do with Star Wars. The only one that remotely comes close is when the Empire is trying to close down a cantina run by Bea Arthur. The rest of the skits involve wookies that "talk" to Princess Leia or Luke Skywalker. The Wookies don't talk. They howl, moan, groan and watch retarded cooking shows. Seriously, how could anybody think that this show was funny? Nothing about it is enjoyable or funny. The Cartoon is the closest this show comes, and it looks more like something done by the same artists who did "Heavy Metal".
This special sucks! Nothing happens except for several gay and questionably sexualized holographic fantasies that are so annoying you may want to induce vomiting just so you can do something that is much more fun than this movie. Yeah, the Star Wars holiday special is BAD... but at least it's better than Avatar!!!!
Murder on the Orient Express (1974)
An amazing adaptation
This adaptation of the Agatha Christie novel is absolutely wonderful. The story begins with reflections of the kidnapping and subsequent death of a child named Daisy Armstrong. As the story progresses we learn that there is a man on the Orient Express who is somehow related to the Armstrong case and asks for Poirot to be his bodyguard. I will not disclose anymore details lest it spoil the story for you. Now, about this movie: First it has the difficult task of throwing you into the time period and making you believe that it's actually 1934. It accomplishes that just fine. It also has the very difficult task of making you love the characters. This film features an all-star cast, including Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, Anthony Perkins, Sean Connery, Ingrid Bergman, Vanessa Redgrave, Richard Widmark, and of course John Gielgud. You can't find this much talent in Hollywood pictures anymore. Albert Finney is fantastic as Poirot. I don't read the books but his mannerisms, acting and habits are exactly how I might envision them to be. I can't decide who is better as Poirot, Finney, Suchet, or Ustinov. To tell the truth they are all excellent as Poirot. Most important of all though the movie actually manages to construct a very compelling murder mystery that takes place on this train which is trapped because of a snow drift on the tracks. This plot point cranks up the tension as whoever committed the murder has to stay on board the train or risk dying of hypothermia in the middle of the Balkans. Furthermore, the climax and the finale is amazing, because there are some wonderful plot twists that are pulled off just beautifully. Murder on the orient express is quite possibly one of the best murder mysteries ever and so devilishly clever that it will keep you guessing.
Avatar (2009)
This movie made me feel blue
I realize I am probably going to get flames galore for this comment, and you all have the right to your opinion about my opinion, but hey, I'm entitled to my opinion too. Avatar is grade A crap. That's right, it's crap. I say this for one simple reason: Without the special effects this movie would never, ever captivate and take a hold of audiences like it has in the past week. Ask yourself this one question: If it didn't have the effects, the Navi plugging their hair into the trees like it's a damn broadband jack, mech suits(just like the ones in Matrix Revolutions) and barely futuristic ospreys, would you care about this movie at all? It's a truism when they say this movie is nothing more than Dances with Wolves in space. Some people may argue back that Star Wars borrowed from Hidden fortress, but at least it had enough compelling plot points to make it look different, such as I don't know... the force? The Death Star? Outer space? A location that has NOTHING at all to do with Earth? This important set of points clearly differentiates Star Wars and Hidden Fortress. But The difference between Avatar and Dances with wolves is... CGI. This CGI may be pretty but it cannot ever substitute for story and plot development. Speaking of, the characters save but a few are either very bland or stereotypes. The worst part is the story and the movie gives us no reason to care about the characters. You know what? I'll go one step further and say that the only difference between Avatar and a Star Wars prequel is this: Avatar has an environmental story that we can relate to. That's it. True, the action scenes in Avatar are well done, but hell, the action scenes in the Star Wars prequels were also arguably well-done. Still, there's that nagging lack of story development. Avatar is a huge let-down and doesn't belong on the best-of list of anybody with common sense.
District 9 (2009)
This movie is not sci-fi
My vision of sci-fi is that it's something that's fun, enjoyable and suitable for everybody. I mean I fully understood it had an R-rating, but what's with all the excessive blood and gore? I think it safe to say that if the blood and gore were toned down to a zero, people would not be praising this movie like they are now. What happened to the concept that less is more? District 9 is definitely light on story, and even when it has story, it takes elements from earlier science fiction movies and television. Basically, District 9 sends the very negative and nihilistic message that humanity is greedy, hateful and spiteful and we'll never, ever improve as a species. Bravo District 9, wonderful message you've got there.
A heavy focus of this movie is on the Alien weaponry, and the military needs someone with alien DNA to come along to use it. Ah-ha, so here comes the convenient plot device of guy-getting-infected-by-alien-weapon-so-he-is-on-the-run-now. Huh? Wait a minute... how exactly does Alien fuel turn a guy into an alien from outer space???? That's one of the biggest and most significant plot holes in the movie, and it really, really needed to be addressed at some point, but it wasn't.
Finally, when you expect some exciting story point to finally happen near the end, there's more grisly blood, guts and gore. In focusing too heavily on the blood, guts and gore, the movie ends up being very predictable in the end. It's kind of like going from point A to point B to point C without taking any detours or finding a better path.
A lot of the Science fiction from the 1950's was much better than this because not only was it meant for everyone, but it was purely story-driven. This movie was merely a cruel, visceral exercise in exploding body parts and wrapping up 20 or 30 pre-used ideas from other movies and Star Trek episodes and calling it a new film. I mean for God's sakes, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was more Sci-fi than this movie!
Honestly, answer me. If this movie was PG, would you have enjoyed it as much? Catering to the basic instinct of violence as entertainment and pompously calling it a work of art shows how low we've sunk as a species.
Beowulf (2007)
This movie is nothing but bare asses
Robert Zemeckis. When was the last time he made a masterpiece of film-making? Ah yes, it was 14 years ago when he directed Forrest Gump. That was his one accomplishment in life. Unfortunately, it was also his only accomplishment as a director that is still revered to this day. Beowulf however is a cinematic disASSter. Yes, Beowulf is a CGI character and he gets naked to fight a giant screaming monster. Doesn't that seem a little gay to you? Then I guess to compensate for all the bare asses in the film, Zemeckis tries to make it up to us by having CGI women's boobs flop around. As a heterosexual man though I have to say that I feel more shame than pride when seeing a CGI woman's boobs. This movie is certainly not appropriate for audiences under 13, or even under 86. It's more appropriate for those who have boob and ass fetishes. Beowulf features lots of people dying quite horribly and in many gruesome manners. The sound may have been louder than it was supposed to be, but the screaming was so obnoxious and loud it made me want to walk out of the movie, and that's exactly what I did! It may have action but the majority of it takes place in a hall with a bunch of drunken and obnoxious patrons, it feels claustrophobic to me. They made a noble attempt to have the CGI look real, but it looks horrible, looks fake and I can't help but think about freaking Shrek. The movie is not character or story-driven. Hell, it's not driven at all. There is nothing to this movie. If you really have to know an account of the story of Beowulf, then go do yourself a grand favor and read the freaking book instead please. I can guarandamntee you 100% less bare asses and boobs in the book.