Change Your Image
lizzybruck
Reviews
Last Ones There (2021)
Ashamed to be Canadian after watching....
This "movie" was just terrible. The "acting" was ridiculous as the actors seemed to think Screaming at the top of their lungs was mandatory during most of this film. I don't think there was any actual "writing" done for this film, and the script only contained a vague concept on what the "actors" should scream about or ramble endlessly on about at random locations. The camera work was hilarious at times as you literally see the camera shake as the camera man obviously walked backwards and then tripped during one shot, lol...the location was beautiful...but of course it was, it's Canada.
Now on to the "plot". Big Spoilers.
Four 20-something year old Canadian lads decide to go camping in the wilderness. They stop off at a general store along the way so one of the guys can pathetically try to flirt with a random girl selling fruit from her truck. This whole scene means nothing and has no importance to any part of the movie. After they steal some of this girls fruit and take a couple pics they are back on the road to party like 14 year olds on their first night away from home with no parental supervision. The costumes consisted of wearing mostly the same clothes for all 3 days with only a couple guys changing a shirt. Strange that they brought 2 canoes, chairs, tents, a BB gun, a guitar (which they are never seen playing), food and an endless supply of beer but forgot to pack a change of clothes.
Upon arrival they crack open their first of what seems like an Endless supply of beer (which they have hilariously had to repaint and rename the Actual beer cans, for some strange reason...most likely NO brand would want product placement in the train wreck of a film). They luckily have brought along a BB gun because taking turns shooting it and making up a pointless drinking game with pointless rules involving firing this single gun takes up the majority of the first quarter of this film. They next take their canoes out to look about the area and come across two different abandoned campsites. After stealing some beer from them (these boys love to steal), ad libbing some nonsensical garbage about where the people must have gone and then two characters having a ridiculous, long, drawn out argument on the difference between a stick and a branch they go back to their own site to drink some more. They apparently went fishing at some point but decide to have a dinner that consisted of onions, beer, Maple syrup and beans that they cooked in a pot and just left the fish out because no one knew how to filet it. As the maple, beer, bean concoction was brewing the most annoying part of the film began as all four boys decided to half sing, all scream at eachother about beans and then do some howling. I literally had to turn the volume on my TV down during this particular screaming part because I was afraid I'd wake my neighbours.
About 15 minutes until the end of this film does the plot finally make its appearance. They boys wake up and one by one they poof out of existence with no explanation or reason whatsoever and then the film ends.
To call this "film" pointless would be an understatement.
The Only good thing about this was the scenery and they can't take credit for that.
Waste of time. Terrible attempt at movie making. I'm ashamed that this is what Canada thinks is worthy to put out into the world.
Death Do Us Part (2014)
Better than I thought it would be.
I have been in a horror movie rut for the past few months with watching one low budget flop after the next. When this movie began with the two cops talking About the "victim" while not even standing a foot from her, like she wasn't even there, I thought I stumbled upon another terrible movie but it turned around and I ended up being pleasantly surprised and shockingly caught off guard with the surprise ending, which hasn't happened to me in a Very long time.
I'll start off with the faults. The biggest by Far being the writing. The script was all over the place and conversations were not believable in the slightest. This group of friends had zero chemistry and for supposed long time friends and even 2 sisters, it seemed like they Just met...And no one Liked anyone!! The characters were completely one dimensional with the "frat boy" Chet who only cares about partying and getting laid, the "bad boy" who is deep in debt, drug addicted, creepy and can't go two minutes without lighting up a smoke, the "good guy" who appears to be in charge at first but I guessed within minutes was really an asshole...I know he turned out Not to be the killer but his character was obvious from the beginning, the "jealous sister", the "ditzy blond" and rounding out the cast, the "oblivious good girl" who predictably couldn't figure anything out. Let's not forget the "creepy guy" caretaker dude who's only purpose was to distract really dumb people from the true killer.
I Loathe movies where secrets are kept for no good reason and this one was full of them. The dialogue was ridiculous and not believable in any way so that annoyed me throughout.
Another fault was this was a horror/slasher film where most of the "killing" took place off screen which was a huge let down. I could pick apart the set or what they thought looked good enough to be blood but I'm not gonna go there.
Now to what I liked. The acting was good. Surprisingly good considering the lines they had to work with! The cast Looked like they could be friends in real life (until they spoke). There were jump scares that got me, even when I knew they were coming. The camera work over all was very good except in some cut away "death" scenes, and the music and sound effects weren't bad either.
The Best part of the movie was the first surprise ending. When the good girl came out in her wedding gown (which I was shaking my head at WHY she changed into that) and ditzy girl came out of the woods I thought that good guy was gonna have to miraculously rise from the dead somehow to kill ditzy to make the beginning work...so I was Actually shocked when ditzy turned out to be the killer after all. My mind did race at the probability of this happening and I found myself itching to re watch Immediately to see if it was possible, and That makes it a Good surprise in my books. The Second surprise ending with ditzy coming back to life, killing good girl, getting dressed in her wedding gown, and then killing the cop, should have been left on the cutting room floor. Not needed, not wanted and put a Ton of new questions in my head.
Overall, it was a decent watch. If much more time was spent on the writing it would have rated a lot higher for me.
The Tempter (2018)
What?!?
Most of these "great" reviews made me question if I watched the same movie as these other people!
This was a train wreck from start to finish with the best part being the description I read pre-viewing which intrigued me but unfortunately did Not describe the movie accurately at all!!
I understand this was a very low budget film but finding a person with a steady hand to hold the camera would have been a good idea.
The acting was hilariously bad with some characters over pronunciating Every Single Syllable, dramatically sighing, using unnecessary pregnant pauses or looking like they are reading every word from the very poorly written script.
This was a supposed horror movie with no blood, gore, suspense or jump scares.
Now let's get to this "plot"(s).
It takes place in the same crappy house 3 years apart, with this dude renting out this house where a supposed serial killer used to live. This guy is a writer with alcohol and addiction problems which has No bearing on the plot whatsoever and is commissioned by his boss to live in this house, and interview anyone who knew this serial killer guy to write a book about him I guess...
They transition to 3 years before by having conversations with many hilarious acquaintances of serial killer guy, and jump back and forth in time throughout the entire film using this tactic. Apparently, like Many movies have successfully done before, a man makes a "Deal with the Devil" to improve his life. By making this "deal" he is supposed to get money, status and acclaim for his "art work" and fiddle playing? The entire "deal" was very vague and confusing so I'm not sure what he was agreeing to...
After the Devil gets this guy to kill and chop up his wife (who looks 20 years younger than him and her over the top acting abilities had me laughing out loud then rewinding just to watch and laugh again), he tells this dude to spend all of his OWN MONEY on a party at his crap hole of a house to have some fun and sell his art?? This "deal" seems kinda one sided throughout the entire movie.
At this party, an old "art dealer" dude decides that this guys paint by number pieces of crap are worth $10,000 and tells him to keep the art gold coming because apparently civilization has lost all taste in what actual art looks like, and soon convinced this guy that on top of his super duper art and fiddle playing he thinks he would be an Amazing poet as well!! That same night, the devil gets a girl super hammered and after she pukes he convinces her to spend the night with that guy. The devil shows up post coitus and tells the dude that because he gave him a tiny bit of success, a little bit of cash and convinced the world he had a little bit of talent that in return this dude has to kill this drunk girl and dispose of the body. This apparently continues with 17 more gullible women with no one catching on.
This was when I started to fall asleep and Literally forced myself to keep watching.
To make a very long, boring, and pointless movie short, the guy falls in love with a women, devil wants him to kill her, he says no so he kill's himself instead.
The end comes back to the present with the writer guy. He meets an easy girl on the street, she gets off on being kissed and strangled and this dude kills her...the devil shows up and wants to now make this new guy a "deal"...literally pointless. I am boring myself Writing about this awful movie.
Don't waste your time. This is by far the worst movie I've seen in a very long time.
The Night They Knocked (2019)
Review and plot summary (major Spoilers!!)
The very beginning got me excited that this was going to be as creepy and scary as I anticipated from watching the trailer...I was So very wrong.
There were Way too many sub-plots in this movie that I couldn't figure out which one I cared about least...but definitely gave me ideas on who I wanted to be killed first.
The acting was just terrible, from the attempted pot smoking from actors who'd obviously never touched a bowl in their entire lives, overly dramatic arguments that made me think everyone involved needed to be diagnosed bi-polar and put on medication immediately, to the unrealistic death scenes where the "last twitches" seemed to never end. The characters were unlikeable other than perhaps the two brothers and the cinematography was confusing at best, as they tended to favour long, uncomfortable pauses on insignificant objects for no apparent logical reason.
So, let's get started on the plot(s). Loads of Spoilers!!!
The initial scene is of a women washing up some dishes when she hears a loud bang in her house. She goes to the living room, where I spent too much time wondering why there were two fireplaces, decided nothing is amiss and goes back to the sink. After another louder bang she goes to investigate and apparently gets over killed...I say apparently because we don't actually get to see anything, only get to hear some "killing noises" that we assume she is dead, and I will point out that this lady is of Absolutely No importance to the movie...I wish I knew that before I spent Way too much of the first quarter of the movie trying to tie her into the plot somehow.
There are three couples spending the night at a house belonging to one of the guys parents, apparently to have some fun before they graduate college and go their separate ways. The guy has a brother who is also staying there and just got out of prison two weeks before. There is obvious animosity between the brothers because the one never went to visit the other in jail. We find out later that it's because the one brother went to jail to protect the other brother...what I Really want to know is, how could Anyone get sentenced to three years in prison for Attempting to steal a car?? I've seen murderers serve less time!!
Ok, back to the story(s)...they all have dinner, get high, drink some wine, and during this time we find out that one girl thinks she's pregnant and doesn't know who the baby daddy is, the potential father is having a screaming match on his phone with his coach about getting him scouted to some sports team (I think), nobody trusts the ex-con brother and apparently not even One of the seven people in this house carries their cell phone On them, or all seven of them had to simultaneously charge their phones in different rooms...I'm still not sure but I'm calling BS.
Apparently during all of this nonsense, someone sneaks in this huge house, that is of course in the middle of no where, takes all their cell phones without them hearing and kidnaps one of the annoying girls who is for no reason crying in the upstairs bathroom. Another guy, who I don't care about, goes outside to look for his gfs phone, notices the cars are all messed up and gets killed on the way back. So now there are five people left...big "knock" on the door and GF of guy I don't care about, goes to check on her man, finds him dead on the porch, goes to cry soundlessly over his dead body and gets whacked by a baseball bat to the head a couple times. I gotta admit, at this point I had high hopes of this movie Finally picking up some speed!... I was mistaken again.
The remaining four people got to see the girl get whacked and after a battle to get the door shut the antagonist finally shows his face and he is a creepy clown with a big pot belly. He wants them to let him in, they thought this wasn't a good idea and the clown somehow shuts off the lights in this whole house. Lucky that the ex-con has some brains and grabs a knife and lights the way with his zippo.
Apparently the absentee parents took the guns away from the house two weeks earlier in preparation for their jailbird son to come home because they didn't want guns around a guy who once attempted to steal a car, because...reasons.
Lights turn back on to show younger brothers gf, the girl they kidnapped earlier from the bathroom, to be tied up out back with now two crazy clowns being asked to be let in or she gets killed. Now this is where things get really ridiculous. The clown is shown putting a pool ball up to the gfs mouth...I'm thinking he's gonna probably use it to smash her teeth in or something along those lines, but no...we hear some crunching noises (because we don't get to see pretty much anything in this film), and then all of a sudden the pool ball is bulging out of the girls neck! They made this girl look like a pelican when it has a fish stuck in its throat. The probability of him accomplishing this task without the use of surgical instruments is slim to none. This death scene is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. Her attempts at looking like she was choking were hilarious and her last death twitches seemed to go on forever! I didn't think this girl was Ever gonna die!
Next up, just like in Scooby-doo, the gang splits up, seemingly because the plot needed to move along, and the jock and ex-con decide to check upstairs. They go into a room, equipped with the cons knife and trusty zippo and another clown comes out of no where and kills the jock. The two people left downstairs, the little brother and the girl who may or may not be pregnant, run upstairs and find the ex-con still alive, the jock dead and mysteriously the clown has vanished? I really haven't a clue what happened because the zippo went out.
Side note: I'm pretty sure the brothers Just moved into this house because they don't have a clue where anything is, including the fuse box. And where exactly Is the fuse box?? The clowns are turning the lights on and off with ease. It's either outside where no fuse box is ever located or the inside, vanishing clown guy is flicking the switches, and if that's the case, why doesn't That guy just let the other clowns in?! So many questions....
The three remaining characters decide to make a run for it out the back door. (First semi-smart move they have made in this entire movie) Ex-con gets taken down by a clown in a dress but tells the others to keep running. While Ex-con grapples with that guy, baby bro gets sucker punched with a bat by the original pot bellied clown who then starts choking him out. Pregnant/not pregnant girl starts running down the road only to come across six more clowns holding various weapons who proceed to surround her and kill her...we again don't get to see the kill but they did add in a shot of her mangled body and a couple of those twitches the director thinks is crucial to a good death scene. Ex-con stabs dress clown in the throat and then uses OG clowns bat against him, kills him and gets him off his baby bro. The brothers rush into the garage where the four wheeler the Con was working on earlier (and that was running perfectly fine earlier) was kept, but of course it won't start.
The boys arm themselves ready for battle because they somehow know there are lots of other clowns out there and that's it. Literally... that's it. The end is the worst part of this film because it doesn't exist.
Some other points: what are eight psychopathic clowns doing in the middle of the woods and how did they get there?!? Did they stop to apply the clown make-up right before heading out or do they always run around looking like that? Did they scope out this place beforehand to know the inhabitants weren't armed? That there was no alarm system? That there was no landline? Did they do any Real reconnaissance on the house other than hiding in the bushes that day and breathing really hard?
It seems a pretty far way to walk when there are so many potential variables that could screw up their massacre.
What happened to the clown upstairs??
If they wanted inside So badly, why didn't they just Remain inside while they were taking everyone's cell phones or kidnapping the gf??
What was the significance of the pregnant/not pregnant girl? Who would bring two pregnancy tests to a house party? Why was it important that she didn't know who the father was when there was never a confrontation between her and her bf about the subject?
What happened in the end?!?!
This film had potential, but it missed the mark on so many levels.
Spiderhole (2010)
Crackling Fire!!
I was initially drawn in by the trailer and it was all downhill from there.
I missed the first half of the films dialogue because this movie Literally had the Worst Sound Ever!! The crackling fire even managed to drown out the voices! I tried adjusting every sound aspect of my TV and even switched from surround sound to normal TV volume to no avail...finally I put on the subtitles and realized I wasn't really missing anything relevant anyway. To be honest, it was more interesting during the first half of the film making up my own dialogue for the movie.
So, these 2 young artist couples decide its a good idea to break in to an apparent abandon house somewhere in England to become artistic squatters. They have a good first night drinking, frolicking and lighting as many candles as humanly possible before they call it a night. I might be a bit, or a lot, off on this synopsis because I couldn't hear a damn word they said during this part but I think I got the gist of it. Apparently, while they were asleep, a nazi/doctor/psychopath old dude cut the annoying girls leg and caused the pretty girl to be violently ill...he also found the time and strength (This guy is pushing 80) to weld the metal door shut, barricade the entire house and go through all of their belongings for their phones while the slept peacefully beside that Extremely Noisy fire! When they wake up and discover they are trapped, psycho doctor leaves them enough tools to build weapons and generally screws with them by leaving out other useful items, like bandages and sewing stuff to patch up the damage he created on that one chicks leg...I'm assuming this was to give them hope?? I seriously didn't know because this was still pre-subtitles in my viewing experience...one by one psycho-doc takes each of them away.
The first dude, the only semi-smart, useful person there with a Justin Beiber haircut, got to have a nice drug induced sleep on a cot before Doc decided to cut one of his eyes out...Doc then sends him out into the hall where he gets bludgeoned to death by pretty girl and a Draco Malfoy lookalike because Doc put him in the same white hazmat suit he was wearing. Why didn't Bieber shout out to his friends?!? His Eye was taken out, not his tongue!! Second to be taken was the annoying chick...he sawed her legs off and apparently left her to bleed out. Next came Draco but we don't get to see him being killed, only his lifeless body on a table later on minus a hand...
The climax comes with the prettiest, but obviously not smartest girl left. She manages to trick the doc into falling through some stairs and then bonks him on the noggin before stealing his keys to run off and find an exit. I HATE movies that do this!!! I don't know about you, but if a psycho-doc just murdered 3 of my friends and was trapped in the stairs I would make good and sure that he was Dead before I went in search of an exit!
For that alone she deserved to be eaten by Daisy.
To sum up...terrible movie, not bad acting (from what I saw, not heard), and the absolute Worst sound in a film ever.