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thedungeonboss
Reviews
Scream (1996)
I'm surprised how many people liked this movie.
Let me just say that if you liked this movie, good for you, I am just expressing my thoughts about how amateur this movie is. My opinion is that true horror films do not use blood and guts alone to make it a block-buster. Take an old Alfred Hitchcock movie, lets say Psycho for an example. Sleek, thrilling, magnificently creepy, a huge twist at the end, and totally controversial for it's time (Even though it spawned a whole bunch of crappy sequels, but hey, what horror movie doesn't?). To me, this was not a true horror film, but a bucket of meaningless blood and gore passing itself off to be horror. But again, this movie might be or some of you fans of "new age" horror flicks, but for us fans of the old Hitchcock classics like the Birds and Psycho this movie is not our style.
Daredevil (2003)
Sacralige! Herracy! Madness!
This movie brings shame to the Marvel Universe, for shame. here are a list of things wrong with it; 1. Dare Devil would never have a casual-type insane martial arts spar with all the hopping about in broad daylight in his civilian clothes, he's not stupid.
2. Dare Devil is not Spider-Man. He cannot jump that far, and this is a seasoned comic-book nerd speaking.
3. King Pin was not that small, or black.
4. Bullseye was WAY cooler in the comics than he was in the movie.
But, I guess if your not a comic nerd then you don't really care about those details, but I am and I do.
Child's Play (1988)
And t think when I was younger I actually thought this movie was scary
Alright. First off, I would like to say that in real life that doll would have died a lot quicker. There would be no b.s. the doll would pick up the knife and he would have gotten shot in the head immediately. And no, he wouldn't have gotten up, BECAUSE HE'S A DOLL, NOT FRIGGIN SUPER-MAN! HE'S MADE OF WOOD, THERE WOULD BE NO HEAD LEFT! And, in real life, he would have burned a lot quicker. Let me remind you that it wan't some sort of super-demon that inhabited this doll. It was a person, an ordinary person, who could, even while he was in the doll, feel pain. If I was lit on fire, I wouldn't get up. I would just lay there, because I would be in an a$$-load of pain. IT WAS A DOLL. A DOLL THAT COULD FEEL PAIN. HELL, GIVE ME A LIGHTER AND SOME GAS, I'LL KILL THE LITTLE BASTARD! But, if you liked this movie, good for you, I was just a tad angry about the plot that didn't make an ounce of sense and I wanted to talk about it.
Kazaam (1996)
Shaq, please for the love of God, just stick to missing free-throws
This movie has successfully proved what we all already know, that professional basket-ball players suck at everything besides playing basket-ball. Especially rapping and acting. I can not even begin to describe how bad this movie truly is. First of all, is it just me, or is that the ugliest kid you have ever seen? I mean, his teeth could be used as a can-opener. Secondly, why would a genie want to pursue a career in the music industry when, even though he has magical powers, he sucks horribly at making music? Third, I have read the Bible. In no way shape or form did it say that Jesus made genies. Fourth, what was the deal with all the crappy special effects? I assure you that any acne-addled nerdy teenager with a computer could make better effects than that. Fifth, why did the ending suck so badly? And what the hell is a djin? And finally, whoever created the nightmare known as Kazaam needs to be thrown off of a plane and onto the Eiffel Tower, because this movie take the word "suck" to an entirely new level.
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
This movie makes me ashamed to be a player
I have been playing the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game for quite some time now, and let me tell you, this movie was worse than any D&D adventure I have ever played (and trust me, I have played some bad ones). A minimum wage larper could make better costumes than the costume designer, a four-year-old playing with Legos could design better sets than all the set designers who worked on this movie combined, any half-retarded Dungeon Master could make a better plot than the one in this movie, and (it pains me to say) every Shaq movie ever created has better acting than this (but don't get me wrong, I still hate Shaq movies, a lot). I love Dungeons and Dragons, it is a great way for both youth and adults alike to express their creativity in ways that they couldn't in a real-life situation, but trust me when I say that no creativity, whatsoever, went into the making of this film.
BloodRayne (2005)
Every fan of the Video Games, Please Stay Away From This Film
I thought that this movie way a total disappointment, now I'm not going to give away any of the plot, but please, if you were a fan of the video games, don't even bother giving this title a second glance. The storyline was no-were close to the one in the video games, and the acting was more forced than a Adam Sandler movie. However, I did like the actress they got to do Rayne, but the director, oh my Lord, he has butchered every video game movie he has done (by the way his name is Uwe Boll), and sadly he also got his hands on another video game movie that is still in production (it's called Far Cry, when it come out, heed my warning and stay the hell away from it). Now, I'm not saying that all of Uwe Boll's movies are bad, it's just that his specialty are artsy foreign flicks, which are sadly probably better than his video game movies. Well, in conclusion do not watch this movie.
Commando (1985)
My Lord, The one-liners, the horrible horrible one-liners
Alright. If you haven't already seen this movie, then don't. Please, save yourself, because it's too late for me. There are so many flaws in this movie, I just don't know were to begin. First off, that scene when Arnold jumps out of the plane, completely b.s. And that scene were he miraculously finds the secret button in the army surplus store, because as we all know, every military surplus store carries automatic weapons, grenades, and rocket launchers. Then that scene when the chick shoots the police van with the rocket launcher and, magically the gas tank doesn't blow up. And then, at the end, when Arnold some-how throws a huge metal pipe with perfect precision, and WHY DID STEAM COME OUT OF THE BAD-GUY'S BODY? But all spoilers aside, stay far, faaar away from this movie, for your own good.