noway234-1 Reviews

Futurama: The Prince and the Product (2023) Season 11, Episode 9

Failurama

[2/10 · 26 November 2023]

It might've taken several seasons but finally Futurama did what seemed impossible for this franchise... it made a terrible episode.

The episode consists of 3 vignettes with the cast all being turned into toy versions of themselves (Wind up toys, hot wheels and rubber ducks respectively) all of which are linked together by a story about Leela falling in love with the prince of space.

Now you might be asking yourself what exactly a story about Leela falling for the prince of space would have to do with vignettes about toy version of the Planet Express crew... and you can keep asking yourself that because there is no connection, which is where the majority of the problems with this episode lie. There is no reason to keep cutting to the vignettes, no reason to leave the central story of the prince and Leela and yet it keeps happening. The first time it happened I was worried I'd hit the remote and skipped to another episode but no, there's no connective tissue between any of these. At least in the Anthology Of Interest episodes they kept cutting back to the.crew asking the 'what if' machine questions which justified the shorter segments. This doesn't have that, it just randomly pops up without warning.

Maybe if any of the vignettes were funny it would help but they're not, one of them is just a parody of The Ring but everyone is a hot wheel car for some reason, another one is a Romeo and Juliet parody but everyone is either a rubber duck or an egg and the other one is about everyone being wind up toys and Fry's spring is slowing down so he's dying... and that's it, that's all the vignettes, they are all randomly connected by the idea of everyone being toys but they also have no reason to be in this episode at all.

It's like someone had two rejected scripts for the show and randomly mixed together the pages to create this monster. It's an episode that's so bad that it shouldn't have even gotten past the first table read.

Historical Roasts (2019)

Half of a good idea

[2/10 · 28 May 2019]

The idea of doing a friars club style roast of famous historical figures AS other famous historical figures is actually a really fun idea. Getting a bunch of comedians, or comedian-adjacent-people, to put on an exaggerated character for half an hour can lead to a fun time and create some weird images. I would suggest that most people got interested in this by the trailer with a clip of Gilbert Gottfried as Adolf Hitler, it has the potential for great stunt casting and when it hits that potential it does something special. Seth Green as David Bowie or John Stamos as John Wilkes Booth are actual comedic highlights... everything else, no.

There are two big problems with this show, and one of them is Jeff Ross. I'm sorry, Jeff Ross isn't that good a comic. he has 5 jokes and edits them slightly for every roast and he is a horrible piece of casting. Its name brand recognition using a person with no brand recognition outside of this niche market of roasts and the fact that he walks out every episode and isn't a character just makes it a tonal mess.

The scripts were clearly written in an afternoon by two people who threw it together using set dressing and costumes that they borrows from a nearby community theatre. This is dumb but with some actual love, care and production values this could be something special. Instead it's just... mostly painful with sparks of brilliance that is begging to be let out. If they keep doing this, they need to put Jeff behind the camera, up the production values and work harder on the scripts... or, don't? Just, just don't make more of this.

Love (II) (2015)

Pretension

[1/10 · 30 October 2015]

This film is literally a 90 minute porno hiding behind a 2 hour art film. Everything about it is bad. The editing is horrific, every single shot is separated by a half second of a pure black screen. The script is bad. BAAAD. No one has anything resembling a likable personality, there is no plot, the dialogue is stupid at best. The acting... well, these people weren't hired for their acting talent. They were hired because they were willing to get naked and have unsimulated sex on film. This film shows random sex scenes every chance it can. Also it's homophobic and transphobic, there is a scene played totally for laughs where the main guy freaks out over a transgendered woman. OH and if you're an epileptic, avoid this because the director seems to enjoy giving people seizures with random flashing lights.

Literally the only thing about this that's in any way well done is the sex, and you can see better sex in actual porn films. Just go rent a porno, you'll get more enjoyment out of it and you won't have to deal with this horribly made 'film'.

Z Nation (2014–2018)

From the people that brought you "Sharknado"

[5/10 · 16 September 2014]

So let's be clear, the second you saw this was aired on SyFy and made by Asylum that should've been the second you realised there is literally no hope of taking this seriously. It's not going to happen, and I don't think they were trying to be serious. This is what The Asylum does, they take a major blockbuster and make a copy of it to try and cash in. This is their version of The Walking Dead, it's obscenely clear from the second it starts and you see how the shots look. The visual tone, the language used and even some of the characters are carbon copies of things The Walking Dead did, and did better. If you want to see a show that takes it's subject matter incredibly seriously then you watch the Walking Dead, however if you want a good insane hour of TV that doesn't care and is so bad it's hilarious at times then you might enjoy this.

Maleficent (2014)

Maleficent, The Big Green Softie

[1/10 · 26 June 2014]

Does anyone even remember the original Sleeping Beauty? I do, it was my favorite Disney movie as a child. I had an old VHS copy that I would watch every week, in love with the visuals and the dialog and every character. Maleficent was always my favorite villain, she was pure evil but reveled in it. She was joyous in just destroying a kingdom for no other reason than "I didn't get an invite to a party". She was the most evil character ever, her first action on screen was to attempt to kill a child. She was amazing. When I heard there was a movie about her, I was pumped. A full hour and a half showing Maleficent being evil, she would chew scenery and give us a fun thrill ride of a movie, it would be a departure for Disney but it'd be fun and epic in scope. I was prepared for fun.

I walked into the cinema and took my seat and was ready for fun... 5 minutes in, Maleficent has magically healed a tree and I realized the folly of my choice in movie. They took Disney's greatest villain, someone who was the purest of evil and loved it, and they turned her into a wood nymph that got raped by the prince and had a bad day. That's it, the wing cutting scene is a metaphor for Rape. That's not my interpretation, that was what they intended! The scene everyone was looking forward too (The curse scene) was an almost perfect recreation of the original movie and I was prepared to love it... and then, instead of Maleficent cursing Aurora to die, she cursed her with the threat of a coma. I'm sorry, that's not scary. The entire reason that Aurora had to be taken from the kingdom was because Maleficent had cursed her to die, Maryweather came up with the hail Mary pass of 'sleep' but they took her into the forest just in case Maryweather's spell didn't work. Here, they do it because they have too.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Maleficent spends the entire movie knowing exactly where Aurora is (Which in the original movie, she didn't, it was a plot point and everything) and even saves her life several times? They took the greatest Disney villain of all time, and literally had her pulling people's pigtails with magic.

Don't even get me started on the stupid ending, which is stupid and offensive in so many ways (The least of which is what it did to the story of Sleeping Beauty)

I have heard people say that it's a fun movie. I'm sorry, I spent all of it with my head in my hands wanting it to stop because it hurt to see a character I loved completely destroyed. This movie had the potential to be great, it had the potential to be something different. It was Wicked, except Wicked had the smarts to realize that yes, this character is Evil and while you can love her, she has to die at the end.

Thankyou Disney for ruining my favorite childhood villain.

Gravity (2013)

Welcome to the Space Jam

[10/10 · 7 April 2014]

Within the first 20 minutes of the movie my biggest praise was "Hallelujah, a space movie where they don't allow sound in a vacuum". It's a giant pet peeve of mine and when I realized this film wasn't going to betray that science, I had hope.

Then the first explosion and Sandra Bullock got flung into space happened, and I couldn't look away.

Not only is this film a visual marvel, it's a film that made me wonder why Sandra Bullock didn't get the Oscar for best actress. I may not have seen Cate Blanchett's movie but I didn't have to spend an hour and a half with her and her alone. Sandra is the only actor for the bulk of the movie. Clooney has about 2 scenes in total, maybe 3 if you're pushing it. Sandra carries the entire weight of the film on her own. It's a miraculous performance that deserves endless praise.

Technologically, I'm in awe of what they accomplished. I have seen a few space based films before and very often it's hard to believe that they're really in space. This movie, you completely buy that they just shot a movie in space. I swear when I watched it, I didn't even realize that the outdoor shots are all animated even though that's literally the only way you could do this kind of film.

The story is compelling and terrifying, I know nothing about science but I could completely buy everything this film was saying. I could buy that an astronaut could get lost in space like that. I believed everything they were doing was real, they never once pushed beyond the limits of what you would believe.

It's no wonder why this film was considered one of the best of the year. It's a great 90 minute thrill ride that you can enjoy as popcorn fluff, as gorgeous art, as a feat of technology or as a metaphor for life. It's one of those rare movies where everything works, and you wonder how anyone could say anything bad about it because it's a absolutely flawless movie

I Spit on Your Grave 2 (2013)

I Spit On Your Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent

[2/10 · 17 December 2013]

The 1978 movie will go down as one of the most controversial movies in history. It was horrific and brutal and broke boundaries. It might have been a horribly brutal film, but it put something on screen we'd never seen before and without it, movies like The Accused and Girl With A Dragon Tattoo couldn't exist like they do. The 2010 remake showed how far we've come as a society. A movie that was once relegated to obscure theaters and banned outright in several countries is now a mainstream Hollywood release filmed in high definition and sent worldwide. It wasn't as gripping as the original, but it should be stunning how far we've come that a movie once regarded as 'the most horrific of all time' could now get released in every cinema on the planet.

This movie… shows sometimes you really need to think before you sequel. Why exactly did I Spit On Your Grave need a sequel? It didn't, and let's be honest this isn't a sequel. There's no returning characters, no recurring villains, the only thing about this that matches the original or the remake is that it's about a girl who get's brutally raped and kills her attackers. That's not a sequel, that's a retelling. It's barely even a good retelling because for starters this movie tries to make one of the attackers (Specifically the first guy that rapes her, and breaks into her apartment aka THE REASON EVERYTHING HAPPENS) sympathetic. That makes no sense. I'm sorry but if you start the ritualistic group rape of a woman, you could be working at a hospital for deaf orphans with polio and I'm not going to sympathize you. I'm going to hate you and want you to suffer the most.

The main girl is just… I can't even. Her plot goes that she want's to be a model, finds a 'free modeling' poster and then get's put into this hell. Her screaming is annoying as hell and I know that she's going through hell, I know she's going to scream but guess what? There's a way to scream that doesn't make me hate you, but her screaming instantly sets me off (Maybe it's because after a while her character trait is 'Scream')

The main 'villain', aka the first guy to rape and break into her house, has the most obscenely inconsistent character ever. I mean before he breaks into the house he just seems jerky, then he's rapey and killy, and then he's sad and trying to help… did they just realize the script have too many characters and combine 2 of them in the rewriting of this? Because that might make sense… it'd be dumb but I'd understand it. Also when the girl finally escapes, covered in wounds and screaming 'help me' no one listens. I'm sorry, even in Yugoslavia or wherever the hell they took her, someone would help her… hell the police don't even help her, someone from a shelter takes her. I mean maybe it's cos I've never been in this country (I don't even know which one they're in), maybe it's a policy that shelters can over ride Policemen but I'm sorry, this makes absolutely no sense. Oh and it makes even less sense when (Surprise) The people that save her end up taking her back to the rape room… so yes, this movie just want's you to believe that everyone is going to rape you and there's nothing you can do about it. I have seen Irreversible, Last House, The ORIGINAL I Spit On your Grave and The Accused and all of them are far better films with a rape as a major plot line in them than this. This isn't even cheap looking enough to be exploitation, this is cruel in the worst way When you make a horror movie you're meant to make it horrific, I have absolutely no problems with a horror movie that uses rape as a plot device, provided it uses it well or does something to change the medium. Instead of something like that, we get a film where a man rapes a woman with a tazer to the point where she's bleeding… this isn't horror, this is anti-woman film making at it's worst, it's no wonder this film went straight to DVD, it feels like it's too good for even that.

McCanick (2013)

Proof that there was more to Monteith

[8/10 · 9 November 2013]

The hallmark of a really good performance is that you don't even realize who the actor is. The ability to transform and completely change who you are to create a character is a rare talent... Cory pulls that off in this movie. Let's be honest, no one is seeing this movie because they're a fan of police drama's. There are thousands of those out there and yes, those are better told than this one. You're interested in this movie as a curious last look at Cory's career to see what his final piece of work was. Well let me tell you right now, this is something special. He devoted himself to this character. He is so far into it that even when his face takes up 90% of the screen you'll be second guessing if it's Cory or not. He dived into this character completely and if this is to go in the history books as his final film, it's a perfect film to hold that title. It proves that he had fantastic potential to pull out amazing performances, sadly we won't see any more after this. It's a must see for any fan of Cory, you owe it to yourself to see him at his prime.

A Haunted House (2013)

What happened?

[3/10 · 26 October 2013]

Seriously what happened to the Wayan's? Scary Movie was a great spoof movie. The first 2 in that series were comedic genius, cleverly constructed and had some really funny jokes. They had great characters and some clever set pieces... this is Marlon Wayan's saying "This is what white people do" over and over again, interspersed with gay jokes and fart gags. This was just not up to par with the level of silliness and joy that I expected. What happened? Did they just waste their material on those 2 Scary Movies? I mean White Chick's wasn't great but there was still something there, but here it's just variations of jokes they've done before but better. Hell I think the only line I genuinely laughed at was "Two Dogs, One Duck" and even that was instantly followed by me stating "That joke would've been better 3 years ago". I mean seriously, it can't be that hard to parody Paranormal Activity, it can't be.

Curse of Chucky (2013)

Chucky got Lucky

[9/10 · 22 October 2013]

Childs Play 1 Terrified me and made me uneasy around dolls for a week. Childs play 2 entertained me but didn't make me scared about dolls. Childs play 3 bored me cos they just lost it. Bride of Chucky delighted me with it's dark humor and great scares. Seed of Chucky made me laugh for hours with it's meta humor.

I say this at the start so you know a mild version of my history with this series. I've seen every single one, I love every one (Except for the 3rd) and I think it's one of the cleverest horror franchises around because it keeps evolving and changing. They're not the same style, they go along different story lines, they break new boundaries and try new things.

And this is the one that I believe to be the best of the bunch. In terms of scares, this one beats every other one. They use Chucky only when they need too, they don't have him speak until almost halfway through. Even though we're 5 movies in, even though he's on the DVD cover, even though you will go into this movie knowing full well that it's Chucky... somehow it maintains tension and the doll never becomes a cheap joke.

And yes this is a sequel, they do a simple and brilliant reveal to confirm that it's set after the other films.

Brad Dourif is in top form, his vocal performance always sell's Chucky but this time it's like he went to an even darker place to make the voice even creepier. He refuses to hold back and creates a performance that's completely terrifying.

His daughter Fiona is a perfect foil to him, playing terrified in ways I didn't imagine possible. She sells her role, owns every second of it and genuinely makes you believe that the doll is real.

If you want to see a truly scary Chucky movie that fires on all cylinders and doesn't hold back for even a minute, this is the one for you

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Well that escalated quickly

[2/10 · 7 September 2013]

I've never been that big of a fan of the paranormal activity movies. To me they seemed to be the kind of movies that pretended to be about building suspense but in reality were just jump scares with a plot but this one was below my expectations. For the majority of the film it's slow and boring in terms of character and plot. There's nothing interesting going on for the first hour and if you can stay awake that long I applaud you. The fact that a family can essentially adopt the neighbors kid like that makes no sense to me and for ages I was just bored. There was maybe one or two moments of possible tension, but that's instantly undercut by obvious product placement ("Oh is that the Kinect?" should not be a line of dialog) and moments where characters go "See See, isn't that creepy" which takes all the tension out... and then the last act happens. I won't reveal much but let's just say that it goes from a film that's boring to one that's manic, the last shot is baffling and confusing and belongs in a different movie. This wasn't scary, this was simply someone knowing that sudden loud noises can shock people. Just avoid.

Sharknado (2013 TV Movie)

It's Sharks in a tornado what more do you want?

[27 July 2013]

That's it. That's my review. I can't top the title in explanation, you have Twister and Jaws in one movie with none of the budget or talent. It's the best B movie I've seen. I can't top that. I can't expand on that. I'm literally just typing to fill IMDb'S 10 line rule. See this line? This line holds no purpose! Just watch this movie. That's it. That's all. Oh look I reached my limit. I can post this now. I can post this simple stupid possibly junk review now right? Because this movie is review proof. It's perfect. It's awesome. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS AND NOT WATCHING TORNADO SHARKS!? Seriously you have no reason to read anymore, you know this movie contains Sharks and Tornados. It's exactly as stupid as you think, go watch it NOW!

I Am Divine (2013)

Simply Divine

[10/10 · 16 June 2013]

Find me a documentary that better explores an under rated actor and I will be amazed. This was perfection in every way. I saw it at the Sydney Film Festival with a packed house. The buzz in the room was electric from the first moment and it never stopped. The film told Divine's story powerfully, they didn't leave a thing out and interviewed everyone. There was no shying away from topics like Divine's bad spending habits or his eating, they shone a light on everything and showed this amazing sympathetic actor in the most beautiful light possible. Filled with huge laughs (I know I missed out on several lines of dialogue simply because people were laughing so hard) and an abundance of emotional resonance. This is the movie about Divine that the world deserved.

Bait (III) (2012)

Shark in a Supermarket

[9/10 · 20 March 2013]

Sometimes a movie concept is so simple and fun that you have no choice but to love it. This is one such things. This is a simple movie, let's make no bones about it. This is not Jaws, nor is it trying to be. This is not trying to be some great horror classic. You give up the right to call yourself a serious horror film when your entire pitch meeting can legitimately consist of "A shark get's loose inside a supermarket". That's all you will need to know to know if you will enjoy this movie. If reading that sentence makes you smile or fills you with excitement, you are the right person for this movie. You need to not take it seriously or you're not going to have fun. You can't watch this movie expecting greatness, greatness left the building the instant a shark got loose inside a supermarket. This was always going to be a B Movie, and it's only fair to be judged by that system.

Don't bother trying to name the cast, unless you're an Australian and watched Home And Away chances are that with the exception of Julian McMahon you know no one in this movie, and that's good. It ads to the B Movie feel of it. A cast of basically unknowns and one semi famous actor, it's perfect in that regard.

The effects are gratuitous, obvious and silly. The CGI shark can do things that Jaws WISHES he could have done. In any other movie they would be a turn off, but for Bait they work because it's clear from the get go this is a stupid little movie with a stupid concept and it banks on you enjoying that. Still effort clearly went into the shark, at times it's actually pretty scary even though it's badly faked. It's only shown in pats when it's needed, until the final reel where the only way to end the film is to show the entire shark.

The gore, for the most part, is obvious CGI that they did in a way that works if you're converting a film to 3D, but in the 2D version I saw is silly... and again, for this kind of movie, that's a good thing.

The acting is pretty impressive given the subject matter, it's the kind of acting you wouldn't expect this kind of film to get. If anything the acting is too good for this movie, the actors provide genuine tension and it's through their talents alone that the shark has any weight. They make you believe that a killer shark is loose in a supermarket and the chemistry is instant and realistic as hell. You believe the father and daughter are related, that the couples have been together for a while and have a certain kind of way of talking.

The ending is stupid, and it's hard to believe someone thought it made sense, and yet for this genre of B Movie it's the only way it could end.

Make no mistake, this is a dumb movie... but that was the point all along. You're not here to see Jaws, you're here to see Bait.. or as it should be called "Sharks in a Mall"

The Dinner Party (II) (2009)

The Least Thrilling Thriller Ever

[1/10 · 12 March 2013]

Take a bottle of the best sleeping medication you could find. Give it a movie budget and an editing bank and that bottle of sleeping pills could churn out something much more exciting than this movie. It's not thrilling, it's not dark, and it put me off having Dinner Parties ever again because it was so boring. There was nothing in it that suggested it was a thriller. I think someone tried to poison people, but that could've just been me hoping someone poisoned me so I wouldn't have to watch this movie anymore. I could handle it being bad, bad movies are still sometimes worth seeing because they're so bad. But no, the acting is OK, it looks half decent, everything is just OK, but that's the problem. It's blandly OK, no one excels, no one bombs. Everything is so one note that there's nothing to read into this other than they just were bored.

The cover art I saw had a picture of 2 people at a table, both dead, one shot in the head and the other also at least mortally wounded. The quote on the cover called it "A Brilliant Psychological Thriller". I would've loved to have seen that movie, it would've been great. What I got was a limp drama with a murder in it somewhere but I don't remember where because it was so bland and tensionless that it didn't stick with me. Whoever called this a Brilliant Psychological Thriller needs to go look those 3 words up in a dictionary, and then bash their heads in with that same book just to ensure they know what those words mean.

As an Australian, a citizen of the nation that made this film, I apologise. I apologise that we let you see this and that we didn't just make The Loved Ones 2 which would've been infinitely better than this. We are sorry and hope that you can forgive our misdeed of making this film, we knew not what we did and we hope not to do it again.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

I'm sorry, what was the scary part again?

[31 October 2011]

I'm not a horror snob. I like movies that have a long build up to a big payoff scare right at the end. I like movies that take their time and are willing to take a chance... here's the catch, they have to be worth the wait. If I'm going to sit through an hour of build up, the last half an hour better shock me to my very core.

In terms of scares, this film had surprisingly few good ones, and absolutely none that were in any way truly shocking. Doors slamming and things moving randomly can be scary if done right, here it was just done randomly. There were some creepy moments like the woman standing beside the bed and I'll admit that the ending kind of made me jump... but not because of tension but because it came out of nowhere.

A good horror movie will do one of two things, it'll either make likable characters that you want to survive if it's a small movie with only a few main characters, or they will make a large amount of unlikable characters for a high body count. This movie combines the two, no likable characters so we don't care if they survive, but there's only 1 confirmed kill in this movie, and you don't even see it that well.

Now the alternative ending is genuinely unsettling. The shot of the woman just walking into the room and then slitting her own throat, that was genuinely unnerving. What we got, weird CGI, another jump scare that confused instead of unnerved and a text ending that tries to pass the whole thing off as real... yeah I could live without that, not scary at all.

This is a horror movie for people who don't like horror movies who want to say that they've seen a horror movie. If you grew up watching actually good horror movies, chances are you won't be scared by this. The only t hing that it did right was word of mouth marketing... and that's not enough to be considered a good movie

My Soul to Take (2010)

What Happened Wes?

[1/10 · 3 April 2011]

I still can't believe that this movie was written AND directed by Wes Craven. We can all agree that Wes Craven can make great films, he's done it so many times. He's responsible for the revival of the genre back in the 90's with Scream and his movies are genuine classics... but this movie isn't even in the so-bad-it's-good territory, it's just plain bad.

Just a side bar here for a second, Wes Craven is the man that made me fell in love with horror, the Scream series was the first set of horror films I ever watched and he has been a constant in my love of the genre. Last House on the Left was so scary that I still can't watch it again, Hills Have Eyes was hard to follow, but scary and kept me going. Hell I even liked Red Eye and Cursed, they weren't great movies but they at least had a few good scares and were clearly made with love.

My Soul To Take has none of that in it. There's none of the originality that Nightmare On Elm Street had, the tension that Wes perfected in Last House On The Left is completely missing, the desire to understand the movie I felt when watching Hills Have Eyes is long gone here and the creativity and intellect that was in scream is non-existent.

This movie had nothing good to offer at all.

The characters were so forgettable that I can't even describe them, even if I wanted too The plot was overly complex, and not in a cool Inception kind of way. I can handle complex plots, but make it worthwhile... 7 kids being born on the same day as the main villain was killed sounds cool, till you realize that it's not that they were born at the same TIME he was killed, but the same day... there are thousands upon thousands of people born every day, and these specific 7 are the ones he goes after.

The dialog sucks, plain and simple. When you have lines like "No, it's not okay, what I did. It's not okay for everybody to be killing each other all the time" and " Did she tell you not to worry if somebody you thought was dead just might come back alive? If he was evil enough?" then there is no way I can take you seriously. No one in the history of the world has ever talked like this in reality, these lines sound like they belong in a 14 year olds screenplay that he wrote the night before he handed it in for a school assignment.

The scares are non existent, I didn't even jump once. Now this could just be that I'm desensitized because I watch a lot of horror movies, but on the other hand that is usually the intended audience for a horror flick... people who love the genre. If I'm not jumping in my seat a little when I'm watching a horror movie then there is something wrong there.

All in all this movie is not worth your time, just hope that Wes does better next time because this is easily his lowest low

The Last Airbender (2010)

What the heck just happened?

[1/10 · 2 July 2010]

I will sit through a lot of crap and like it, heck most of the movies I own and love are ones that any sane person would consider crap... here's the difference, I can understand that crap.

This movie is barely understandable, not because the actors are mumbling or the speakers sucked (In fact the sound was fantastic, I could hear every badly worded monologue and every misplaced pause). The reason that this movie sucked was that it was just plain old impossible to follow, maybe you need to take some kind of hallucinogenic drug to follow it.

Now I'll admit I never watched the cartoon, I went to see this movie because some friends of mine wanted to go but any good adaptation of a TV show or novel should be accessible to someone who has never see the source material. This wasn't, I knew as I was watching it that there were moments in there that you might be able to follow if you were a fan of the show but everyone else was screwed.

Plus there were some things that just were flat out stupid, a girl see's something under the ice that looks scary and so she smashes the ice without any motivation? Give me a break. The princesses hair looked like an uncircumcised penis, seriously if you see it there's a shot where her hair looks like a penis... proof that Shyamalan really was screwing the audience? Oh and of course the final battle against the fire nation where at one point someone said something like "When the bells ring, put the fires out to help weaken the fire nation" and so the battle comes, the bells ring... and there are still lit flames everywhere!!! I mean come on you don't announce your battle plan and then do the exact opposite.

Oh and by the way, fish are friends not gods.

All in all I shuddered through most of this movie, I'd go to M. Night's house to get my money back but he'd probably bend me over a table and rape my eye's by putting this movie on again.

The Final Destination (2009)

Final Destination 4: Even More Final

[7/10 · 10 May 2010]

This movie is not great. The acting is average, the script lacks tension and the effects are almost comic book in nature... and that's what I liked about it. This isn't one of those great horror movies that's thought provoking, none of the Final Destination movies ever were. They've all been excuses for bizarre death sequences, a few quick laughs and an incredible opener that leaves you gasping for air and this one delivers. I've decided to do a point by point review on my personal favorite death scenes in this movie since they are the reason that anyone watches them, if you are watching Final Destination movies for the drama or storyline then you are strange to say the least. I'm not even going to bother with character names because not only don't they matter, but I don't remember them that well.

In the first movie it's a Plane, number two had the highway crash, three had a roller coaster and this one repeats the car crash idea excepts at a race track. Like the 3 before it the opening scene is incredible, it starts out basic and casual with a few ominous signs that fans will instantly recognize as the foreshadow to an explosive beginning and this film doesn't disappoint. There's a few near misses and some slipping and sliding and then the carnage begins. car's fly into the stands on fire and crush people to death, body parts get torn off by flying wheels, people get cut in half and of coarse there's several impaling. When the Final Destination films open they know what people want, a high body count and a spectacle of an opener and this film delivers it with gusto.

Then we get the opening credits which brings another sight that I found cool enough that I wish they could've taken throughout the film. Taking previous death scenes from the first 3 Final Destination movies they show it in X-ray form, showing the bones shattering and snapping apart in beautifully animated CGI. i swear I would've loved them to do this for every single death scene in the movie and show it during the end credits, it would've been awesome but this really set the mood for this film... it's a fun ride that's a little over the top but still fin.

First up is a mom who put tampons in her kids ears at the race track... I'm not even kidding there, seriously who puts tampons in ears? Anyway this death is my personal favorite because it's full of mis-direction and so brilliantly executed. When she's put in the barbers chair it's learned that the chair itself is broken, it tend's to collapse at random so maybe that will have something to do with her death? Then some gel is squirted mysteriously on the floor so maybe that's a part of her demise? Then we keep seeing the fan in the shop spinning badly, obviously broken and abut to fall, that's gotta be how she dies right? Oh and let's not forget the potential exploding shaving cream, that would be a cool death? Well no, the chair doesn't kill her, only scares her. The kids slip on the goop and the shaving cream knocks the fan to the floor right at her feet. Just when you think that she's going to make it out alive, a guy on a ride-on lawnmower drives over a rock that rockets through the air and kills her stone dead. It's a beautiful surprise way to kill her and I know I didn't expect it.

After tampon mom, my second favorite was a mechanic. Honestly I prefer his premonition death, a wooden stake from the back of the head right through was a much more shocking visual but what he ended up with was something that, while still cool, just wasn't as impactive. Again there was some mild mis-direction but the end result was the same. For a moment you think he's going to be hit by a car and slammed through the fence, but instead one of the air tanks flies from it's stand, hit's him in the crotch and slams him through the fence. Not quite as surprising as the barber scene but it had an effective amount of grossness to it.

My third favorite death was also one of the grossest. One of the male characters is meant to die at the same time as one of the females, she get's saved but he's not so lucky. There's a bit of set up time but the main point is that he's in a pool, having accidentally opened the 'Drain' on the pool and swam to the bottom to get back a coin that he dropped in there, accidentally getting caught on the drain. For what seems like ages he's just held underwater screaming until his insides are pulled through the drain and shot out like a fountain... it's grosser than it sounds but it's also oddly comic book in tone.

In conclusion, this film is not going to be considered to be one of the great works of art... but if you have an hour and a half to kill and you want to see some of the coolest deaths put on film, this would be your Final Destination

My Neighbor's Secret (2009 TV Movie)

Good Fun Movie

[10/10 · 6 April 2010]

Most of the time a TV movie is either really really bad or really really good, this one fit's in the really really good category. The entire cast is incredible but the true star of the movie (And deservedly so) is Nicholas Brendon playing the sociopathic role of Brent. It's a true change from what we're used to from Nicholas, people who know him expect a comedic lighthearted performance or possibly a bit of heroism (depending on what the movie is) but he takes this role of a sociopath and makes it incredibly scary.

The roles of Jason and Casey (Played awesomely by Vincent Ventresca and Chandra West) round out the main cast as the neighbor's that Brent becomes obsessed with. They manage to make you really care about them and their innocence is a great comparison to the psychotic behavior of Brent.

If you love a good corny little thriller then this is the film for you. If you love a good scare then this movie is what you need, and if you're a Buffy geek wanting to see Nicholas Brendon in the most terrifying role he's done then you must see this movie.

South Park: Trapped in the Closet (2005) Season 9, Episode 12

A Must See

[5 April 2010]

This is easily the smartest and funniest episode of South Park that they've ever done. Taking on a subject like Scientology is nearly impossible for most because of the litigious nature of the group but thanks to the fast production of the show there wasn't time for Scientology to stop them doing it and we're lucky they didn't.

There are 2 big plots to this episode, the one that a lot of people love is the "Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet" section which is hilariously silly. Throwing in John Travolta and R. Kelly into this story just makes it funnier, R. Kelly's singing to Tom and John to the tune of his rap soap opera Trapped In The Closet is a stroke of genius.

The second plot however is the one that I love most, the part that caused a lot of controversy and led to Issac Hayes leaving the show... going after Scientology. South Park seems to be funniest when it tackles either religion or a current political event and this is the best example. One of the funniest moments is something that I'm stunned no one did before them, the part where they explain what Scientology is. What makes it even funnier is while all this talk about aliens and volcano's is going on at the bottom of the screen the words "This is what Scientologists actually believe". It's something that's so simple and yet so hilarious.

This is where South Park shone, it took a risk and even though they lost Chef (Who left claiming they were bigots, when in reality he was just upset that they attacked his religion) they won everyone over with their biting satire of a religion that needed to be taken on.

Criminal Minds: Masterpiece (2008) Season 4, Episode 8

Masterpiece

[24 November 2009]

The title really says it all, this episode is one of the best episodes of the entire season if not the series. From the moment the episode starts it earns it's name, the opening shot showing us the room where the children and their care worker are being held is so slow and precise, going into the room with the paintings. Everything about the short screams perfection.

The undeniable star of the episode though is Jason Alexander playing Professor Rothschild, a character that is so creepy and subtle that you'll forget all about George Costanza. His performance is subtle and brilliant, the shot where the throws the photos of some of his victims down the stairs is beautiful and creepy all at once. One key thing about Jason's character involves a plot point known as the Fibonacci sequence, or 1 1 2 3 5 and so on. At 2 points he does this action, most memorably with his thumbs during the interrogation but more subtly (I only learned this when I watched the special feature on the DVD) when he's talking to Reid and Rossi in the college his hands make the sequence. Tiny actions like this sell the character that is both brilliant and terrifying and easily one of the creepiest unsubs this show has had for a while.

As I said this episode is a masterpiece. The team show their intelligence and use every skill they have to try and best Rothchild's little game. As every minute went on I was glued to the screen to see what would happen next, every single second of this episode is in itself a masterpiece. A must see episode.

The Hills Run Red (2009 Video)

Fun, Scary, Gory, Great

[12 October 2009]

I could not stop watching this movie and really I never wanted it to end. From the opening titles beautifully underscored by a very creepy sounding version of "Hush little baby" this film dragged me in with is beautiful style and how creepy it was (I'm not gonna give away the first scare but it's incredibly well done and while at first seems random and pointless they do explain why it's there towards the end.

The story uses one of the new standards of horror cinema, the idea of a movie that was made in the 80's but had to stop production due to murders on set. While this isn't a new concept, Cut did it 9 years ago, both the Short film and the feature length with the same title played on the idea of horror films becoming reality, it is a refreshing spin on the tale.

The cast consists of your stock set of horror film characters, from the junkie to the slutty girl but really if you come to a horror movie for characters then you really don't belong here. This film is about the scares, and they come rapid fire.

Sophie Monk in particular delivers a performance that I never thought I'd see her deliver after I saw Date Movie. She makes you love her from the moment she pop's on screen and you root for her the whole way through. She proves how smart she can be with choosing a role with her performance in here and really I reckon if she chooses more roles like this she'll prove she's an actress and not just a great body.

For you gore-hounds, there's blood and gore galore from pretty much start to finish. One of the things that this film does better than a lot of others like it is make the gore scary. Some times you can tell that gore is there just cos they can but that doesn't happen here. Every piece of blood is needed to make the story work like it does and add's to the effectiveness of the movie.

If you can get a copy of this movie do it, don't sit around and wait for a friend to loan it to you go and get it now. One of the few films I really wanna see a sequel for.

Dollhouse (2009–2010)

Better than I thought it'd be

[21 July 2009]

When I first heard about this show I had so many differing emotions on it "How will they pull this idea off?" "What about character development?" "Will there be S&M outfits?"... turns out all my questions got answered in the most positive way.

The idea in a nutshell is that a company has designed a technology to imprint people with whole new personalities, so they are now able to turn them into anyone that the client wants. Sounds like it could just be an episodic TV show with no character development but in fact what we get is just the opposite (This is where the spoilers come in... I ticked the box so you should have been warned) Echo starts out as a basic doll, going out on missions like all the others, and not all of the missions are sex based. In the first few episodes she's a hostage negotiator, an adventurer and a pop star so it's beyond simple sex requests. Anyway as the series go on we slowly watch Echo gaining knowledge in her Doll state when she shouldn't be able too. She proves that she's different to all the other dolls and slowly we can watch as she realises there's something different about her.

Then we have Sierra, her journey is more based in her history. Like Echo we're supposed to believe she volunteered but as the series goes on we learn the truth about how she was brought to the dollhouse, why she's there. Plus she's given some of the more interesting story lines in the series (The doll being raped inside the dollhouse is surprisingly gripping) Victor, another active, is also integral to many of the key stories and is key in the evolution of Paul Ballard, the 'hero' of the piece. Again how he came to be a part of the dollhouse is a mystery but he also displays signs of being different, and his crush on another doll is both cute and funny (If for no other reason than it gave us the term 'Man-reaction') We also have the head of the house Miss DeWitt who also grows and reveals many sides to her, from the charming business woman who knows her sale backwards, to the dictating leader of the house who'll hand out punishment where it's deserved, and even in one episode acting like a drugged out nut with Topher.

The characters all show amazing leaps in the season and even though the actives are wiped clean, everyone around them isn't and they grow with each episode. To add to this there's a beautiful linking story about the active that went bad, Alpha. Alpha is a constant reminder of just how dangerous the technology is and on several occasions we're reminded that the biggest threat to the dollhouse was something that they made themselves. A highlight of the season (Major spoiler... seriously I know I ticked the box and everything but if you don't want an episodes shock twist spoiled the leave now) is an episode where Alpha shows his genius by remotely wiping Echo in mid mission. The Alpha character is easily one of the scariest villains I've seen because the people who he's trying to kill are the ones that made him Now I know that some people say the series picks up after 6 episodes and that scares some people, they want instant hit TV and they want it now. I simply suggest sitting down one day with all the episodes (The DVD comes out soon, renting it works) and just watch it, trust me when I say this is a show to watch and now that Joss has full creative control again it will be bigger and better than ever.

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Look out for the Repo Man

[10/10 · 30 January 2009]

Nowadays finding a film that's new and original is impossible at best. Lately all the films are remakes or re imaginings or sequels or retreading an old idea, that's why Repo is such a relief to the eyes. A very Gothic tale, this is a mix of scary and darkly comic, with a touch of drama and of course very cool songs.

Repo is obviously an opera so instantly it is obviously not for everyone, if you hate musicals or operas then this is not for you. It's also insanely gory (Scenes of dismemberment are done very well I must say, the Night Surgeon repossession is one of the most gory moments of the movie... well it and the spine removal) so if you can't stand gore again this is not for you. This is a true cult film, made for one section of society and those that like it will not be disappointed.

With stunning performances by the entire cast, including Paris Hilton who actually earns respect for doing this role and not phoning it in. Everyone on screen has great voices, as a fan of the Buffy musical hearing Anthony Stewart Head sing again was a treat. Alexa Vega manages to shake off the sweet girl image from Spy Kids with ease by playing the poor innocent Shilo who goes to hell and back with an incredible voice and some of the most touching moments in the film (If you don't at least sniff a tear away during I Didn't Know I'd Love You So Much then you have no feelings). Sarah Brightman stuns with her performance of Chase The Morning and of course Terrance Zdunich, who also co-wrote it, helps us along as the narrator Graverobber and tells us all about how to use Zydrate in an oddly nursery rhyme-like number.

The film itself is beautiful to look at, the Gothic look of the film is so wonderfully dark and the colors of the blood and the buildings give the film a rich dark feel that really gives the story the sense of menace it needs. Helping fill in the back-story with comic book like images is genius, it gives us the information needed while doing something different. That's the wonderful thing about this film, it's different. I have seen a lot of movies but there just isn't anything out there quite like Repo! A true original masterpiece that's a wonder to behold, it'll change your life... rest assured