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Reviews
The Last House on the Left (1972)
DUMB
I fail to comprehend how ANYONE rated this "thing" a horror or disturbing film, as it's completely dumb as hell. Not a single solitary moment was anything "disturbing" or "chilling"
An alleged horror film about two teenage girls who go into the city at night to score some weed, but end up hapless 'victims' at some halfway house of rapist criminals who torture, rape, and then kill them both, in the most absurd, badly directed way. Elementarily skipping its way through the rape and "gore" to bring cheap kindergarten effects only a first grader would appreciate. Thank goodness Craven became better known for his later hits like A Nightmare On Elm Street, because this one's a total STINKER.
WHAT WORKED: great shots of greater NYC, then Connecticut which ties in with just about any romcom imaginable for a decent story
WHAT DID NOT WORK: Most everything else, including the rape and kill scenes. Which were just plain drawn out yawnfest DUMB. The camera jumping around (if one can honestly term it that way) shots that never actually show anything, outside of the main rapist laying on top of the one girl, making sex noises. Stabbings that looked worse than any D movie Hollywood rejects have ever produced. Combined with a janky Afternoon Delight goofball score that represented more romantic drama, than anything remotely horror.
I totally honestly don't know how ANY of the early audiences called this a freakish disturbing Horror film, it's SO INSANELY BAD.
Final Grade: F.
3 from Hell (2019)
The worst of the Bunch
House of 1000 Corpses was the best of this line. The Devil's Rejects just okay. Nothing fabulous. But this chapter is final proof that the former Rocker has nothing original to share.
Sheri Moon as much she stumbled to make a lasting impression, is simply a superficial overacting yawn fest. Don't quit your day job.
Body Double (1984)
Hard Pass
This thing started out good, but then nose dived fast.
A hard luck actor (Wasson) spies on his neighbor (Shelton) who thrives on a midnight sexy striptease at her open window. Later follows her because some hideous looking dude seems to want to kill her.
It all ends up a confusing mess of obliterated scenes that go absolutely nowhere. And fake butchered scenes of her "almost" getting killed.
Hard pass.
Hardbodies (1984)
Utter '80s Sex Romp' disappointment
I rented this on Amazon Prime recently, as I never got around to watching when it was on HBO etc.
What utter disappointment. No real script or plot. Lazy dialogue and lame humor. I've seen B and D movies that were better quality.
Grant Cramer (Killer Clowns) is supposed to be a surfer super stud, but was lame and bored me to nothing. The only ones who truly could act were Courtney Gaines who's a legend from Children of the Corn and Memphis Belle. And the middle aged bearded dude and his buddy Jeff Goldblum wannabe.
Stripper (1985)
Hello Flashdance :)
I wasn't sure what to think when I came across this title on Amazon Prime. But I gave it the benefit, considering I loved Flashdance (who didn't)
This is a docu-story about exotic dancers who will compete for the Golden G-String award in Vegas. Women who at one point or another were a model, showgirl, actress, dancer, or porn star - turned highly skilled exotic dancer. Enough to compete seriously for this golden title, and finally achieve the self-respect they've dreamed of. And taken seriously for their unconventional lifestyle. Each one completely psyched up to win that trophy, while pretending to engage 'sisterhood' in the green room.
The bare nudity really being their pained souls, as the bulk of them survived no-so-desirable - or broken homes, they left behind. Just trying to get ahead, and be someone, and respected, in a crazy, unfair world. Where women were still perceived (and treated) as the "weaker sex"
If you enjoy films about show girls and exotic dancers, then this is for you.
The Magnificent Seven (1998)
Truly Magnificent!
An utter sin this series was so short lived :(
They don't make Westerns like this anymore. Stellar cast. Stellar writing. Stellar production team, who knew how to captivate audiences with downhome action.
I never saw the original film. But I don't have to. This series stands on its own. The chemistry and bonding between the cast made us forget it was a TV series.
Their characters perfectly compliment each other, from the stoic haunted leader to the shining grinning ladies man, to the astute gunner wannabe. And the varied topic matters blend well, from prostitution to slavery, to gold mining and murder, to religious indifferences.
Star Search (1983)
One of the Original Talent Competitions
I remember watching this in the day, because it was supposedly the platform that birthed future stars. But some episodes featured contestants who had no talent or could not sing, act, model, dance, or be funny. Recall, one awful singer who reminded me of the "sexual chocolate" guy from Coming To America. Several comedians who were beyond terrible. A very tall actress 'paired' with a very short actor in a canned ridiculous love scene. Several models who were truthfully average. .. There were only a few notables who I recall actually went on to TV, singing, and modeling careers like a Hawaiian gal named Meekahayla (?)
L'ultimo squalo (1981)
Not Surprised it Got Shelved
I remember as a kid my older teen cousins going to see this because it was called "The Great White" (at least in American theaters) and supposed to be a "Jaws" alternative. They come out afterward, laughing and mocking it for being so fake and cheesy. Bad acting, directing etc.
I finally watch this free on YouTube and shook my head at how terrible it is. Bad special effects, terrible acting, and directing. Any wonder this got canned during first release.
The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981)
Cute but no real laughs
I've always loved Lily Tomlin. Who doesn't? But this classic HBO release delivers no absolute laughs just cuteness. The core cast is good like always. But the script and production just fall a tad flat.
Knights & Emeralds (1986)
Timeless Underrated U.K. Release
A shame critics rated this gem a 6.5 because it is a total 10.
Released in the U.K. in 1985, then making its way to HBO in 1986. It intrigued me heavily because it was British, the same as Benny Hill and Monty Python.
It is very well produced and directed, with a stellar cast that can definitely act. Christopher Wilde and Beverley Hills heading as Kevin and Melissa.
Two teenagers caught in the middle of their rival high school marching bands' comical antics. The Knights vs. the Emeralds. Tensions flowing with the two kids struggling painfully to keep the peace at bay, as an upcoming competition threatens both bands' livelihoods. Include the sexy cackling Emeralds majorettes, and you have one zany showcase.
Diana (2013)
Unfortunate on so many levels
I agree with Naomi Watts on this one. I barely got through half the movie before shutting it off, as it did not do justice. First off, her relatively bad 'Diana' coif comparison, which was too thin and short compared to Diana's longer, thicker blonde locks. A total blame on the director or producers for cheapening on that aspect. It certainly would, have pulled of the Diana portrayal more realistically for Watts. Secondly, the mediocre direction and production. This "biopic" focused more on her forbidden and fatal romance with El-Fayyad, than her journey as a 'people's princess' as a perpetual single mother, and world-wide efforts of humanities, for which she was most noted before her unfortunate demise.
The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)
Pure Disney like entertainment
WHY was this rated a 5.5??? Try more like 8.5/10.
Stellar cast that stars Pricilla Barnes (3's Company), Joan Collins (Dynasty), and Lee Horsley (Nero Wolf). About a woman doctor "Maggie" (Barnes) who travels to small town Sweetwater to visit her ailing aunt Annie (Collins) who runs a bordello. The men have all left to fight in the Civil War, forcing (all) the women to defend and fight against the ruthless Northern raiding party led by Colonel Isaacs (Howard Duff), who's wounded son Frank (Donny Osmond) falls in love with his personal nurse Amy (Lisa Whelchel - The Facts of Life) as Maggie and Cain also fall in love. Pure Disney like entertainment as the bordello girls "team" with the "proper" ladies in town to fight against Isaacs returning army.
First Family (1980)
Total Stinker
I remember the previews of this after going to see The Empire Strikes Back. It looked hilarious, but the adults said 'Nah' and they were right.
Despite a stellar cast: Harvey Korman, Madelyn Kahn, Gilda Radner, Bob Newhart... the script is piteously lame. The jokes aren't there. I managed about halfway through before abandoning ship. It became painful to continue watching.
Thankfully the stellar cast struggled mercifully with the sad script and flat jokes.
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Total Trash of the Original Series
Wow .... My head is still processing the utter mindlessness of the cretin who made this nonsense. I barely got through 20-minutes of it on Netflix before changing movies.
What an utter mess. A ton of bad acting and sad directing, alongside horrible casting choices, characterization, script, and plot. Total crude and mindless humor at its dumbest. Completely insulting and shaming the classic series, which was a family-oriented show, and hugely entertaining. Bo and Luke were down-home good 'ole boys---not lust-driven, dimwitted playboys, always provoking brawls. Uncle Jessie was a God-fearing, rule-thumping fatherly patriarch, and Daisy was NOT a bimbo blonde, but an attractive, sexy brunette with real brains behind a pretty face. Roscoe and Enos were the comic relief, serving under the comical deviousness of Boss Hogg. Thank goodness I didn't waste my $ on a movie ticket, at its release. I'd have demanded a refund.