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Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)
Terminator Deja Vu
Dark Fate is not a bad movie - it is just an amazingly irrelevant one making it almost offensively mediocre.
I felt there might have been a glitch in the Matrix, because if you have seen Terminator 1 and 2 (or 3 for that matter), you have seen this one. It hits all the same story beats and even has almost identical scenes with a little variation. We have the Terminator hunting our heroes in a truck, we have the jail scene (now changed to border patrol), we have the Terminator that can change into anything or anyone it touches etc etc. But most baffling of all they decided to change John Connor (the pivotal character of all previous Terminator movies, with the exception of Genysis that turned him into a villain for some reason) to Dani Ramos and Skynet to Legion. You would think they did that in order to tell a different story, but you would be wrong. It is in fact the EXACT same story - AGAIN - making the opening scene completely irrelevant. I can only speculate, but it seems to be there for shock value alone as - despite director Tim Miller's explanations for this choice in interviews - it has no impact what so ever on the overall plot - it is merely a re-skin.
Another gripe I have with this movie is the action sequences - especially the one leading up to the final confrontation. It is a very long and elaborate sequence involving a crashing plane and a dam, and feels incredibly out of place in a Terminator movie. Have we had over the top sequences in Terminator before? Yes, but they usually involved the Terminators while the humans were busy getting out of there. It created a nice contrast between the invulnerability of the Terminators and the frailty of humans. To see humans bounce around like rubber balls in a sequence so over the top it would feel quite at home in a Superhero movie, frankly made me laugh out loud.
Hollywood, things do not need to be be bigger, have more explosions, or x number of wow factors to be intense. Just look at the original Terminator... All you made here, was a cartoon!
With that said, the actors do a fine job with what they have, the action sequences are well done (though they get too over the top for me), and the movie is overall well made, and if you have never seen a Terminator movie my personal gripes should not bother you.
But I have to thank Dark Fate for at least making me find a rather surprising feeling of renewed appreciation for Salvation, because at least it tried - failed, but tried - something a little different, rather than telling the same story over and over and trying to hide that behind ever more elaborate and cartoonish action sequences and a somewhat desperate appeal to nostalgia through Linda Hamilton's beloved Sarah Connor and Arnold's T-800.
You get a better sense of nostalgia by just watching Terminator and Terminator 2 again.
Terminator sadly seems to be a franchise that can only tell one story.
Batwoman (2019)
Bubblehead Batwoman is the least of this shows problems.
Oh boy, where to even start with this one...
The poor writing (complete with awfully clunky exposition taken straight from a daytime soap), the editing which often feels like getting slammed in the face with a mallet, or the rather lackluster fight scenes (of which there are precious few), or maybe the structure which seems incapable of focusing on one thing for more than a couple of minutes, and already after episode 2 have so many subplots being thrown around like confetti, it is very difficult to convince myself why I should even care.
Well, let's focus on writing and structure.
Batwoman likes to explain things to us through quite horrible voice overs by Kate, which is supplemented by numerous flashbacks. It feels like 50% of this show so far is voice overs and flashbacks. I have a personal animosity in regard to this style of storytelling, as I find it quite lazy, and it does not help when the voice overs and flashbacks sometimes outright contradict the narrative.
A perfect example of this is in the end of episode 1 where Kate's dad confirms his love for her has made him overly protective, and then invites her to join the Crows (which is something she really wanted to do). In the VERY NEXT SCENE we get a voice over where Kate says the following: "The army didn't want me! The Crows don't want me! My dad doesn't me!"
This seems like it was edited out of order as it completely contradicts what we just saw! This happens quite a bit in this show, which - combined with terrible dialogue and the aforementioned lack of focus - makes character motivations flimsy at best and nonsensical at worst.
Why has the main bad guy, Alice, turned into a low-budget Joker/Harlequin? Power structure or something (the Crows and their leader are bullies of which we have seen no examples of to even indicate any truth of) and daddy issues...
What is Kate's motivation to become Batwoman?
Is it to fight crime and help people?
Nope! It's purely the very selfish reason that she can make her own rules (her having problems with rules is so far her only real character trait, and boy, do they ram that home with two-by-four).
The hero we deserve...
I guess we have to accept these poor motivations until someone decides to actually write characters.
Another example of the poor writing is in the very beginning of episode 1, where there is a public event to turn the Batsignal off. At this PUBLIC EVENT, they are actually discussing security of the upcoming FIRST public event in Gotham for years - the upcoming Movies In the Park.
This show apparently does not know what a public event is...
Now, this may seem nitpicky, but I use these examples of rather trivial things to avoid spoilers in regard to the plot to give an indication of just how bad the overall plot is written and structured, because it is unfortunately and rather baffling even worse than the characterizations and the more trivial stuff.
At the end of episode 2 we are suddenly introduced to a major player in the overall plot. This reveal would work if this character had had time to be established, but in Batwoman it is just another handful of nonsensical confetti with a character we know absolutely nothing about since the person has only had about five minutes of screen time overall throughout the first two episodes.
This is how absurdly bad this narrative is structured.
I could spend hours about what is wrong with this show (I haven't even described how things only happen because all the characters are completely inept), but enough is enough.
I can squeeze a 2/10 out for this, because the show at least manages to be unintentionally hilarious at times... and that is why I'm going to watch episode 3 as well.
Behind the Curve (2018)
Surprisingly enlightening trip into the human psyche.
I was a bit apprehensive when I heard about this documentary.
Was this going to be a movie that would help people promoting the utter nonsense of a flat earth even further, or was it going to be a movie that just punched down by poking fun at people that most already regard as a few horses short of a posse?
Well, I was pleasantly surprised that it is neither of those.
As a matter of fact, this movie treats the flat earthers quite courteously, and never attacks them directly in any way. One could even make the argument that it is sometimes too nice to people who on the web have a tendency to act quite arrogantly and even outright toxic towards critics - and even their own if they stray too far from the path (something the movie actually does show examples of).
But what this movie does extremely well, is handing the flat earthers (or flerfers as they are also called) a rope to hang themselves with - something they seem more than eager to do.
As hilarious (and rather sad) as it may be to see these people absolutely deny the results of their own tests when they fail to prove a flat earth, but end up unequivocally proving the curvature they deny exists, the really interesting part of the movie is the discussions from scientists and psychologists as to what can lead people down such a path as to outright deny reality itself - even when they are literally proving said reality. This is where this documentary really shines, because that is not just about flat earthers, but can
be said about a lot of people from religious zealots to political ideologues, anti vaxxers and so forth.
This movie is a great insight into the mindset of conspiracy theorists. and succeeds in shedding a light on why otherwise perfectly normal people can suddenly end up believing the most absurd of things, and that is no mean feat.
Captain Marvel (2019)
Captain Miss-Fire
Well, it had to happen at one point, didn't it.
Captain Marvel is not a bad movie, just a terribly mediocre one.
The problems that lead to this are many, but I find that at the heart of it is the fact that it tries to juggle several things at the same time without ever really managing to do any of them well.
Juggling an origin story with a fish out of water story; a body cop narrative along with the overall plot of the war between the Kree and the Skrull, while at the same time trying to tie it into the main Avengers plotline (and the MC universe), is all a bit much. When we then add a plotline where Carol Danvers tries to reconstruct the memories of her lost past, nothing is ever really given enough time to have any meaningful impact.
To make matters even worse, the character of Capt. Marvel suffers greatly from this. After spending almost two hours with Carol Danvers, I still have no idea who she actually is, and when the movie reached its climax, all I was left with was a superhero flying around shooting lasers from her hands, while looking like an overenthusiastically decorated Christmas tree. I never felt close to the character because the movie simply failed to get me emotionally engaged. This could have been rectified if they had focused more on her reconstructing her past, thereby giving us a chance to connect with her, making a sequence of her getting knocked down and standing up again meaningful. When you have such an overpowered character as Capt. Marvel, you have to compensate for her lack of physical endangerment with some kind of personal stakes, and Capt. Marvel has none of that. The lack of characterization is quite surprising when you consider that Marvel up until this point have been quite good at giving us interesting characters.
Besides from that, there are some outright cringe worthy "Solo" moments, where we are told the backstory of things that never needed explanations in the first place. Remember how the Solo movie, for some reason, thought it prudent to tell us how Han got his surname and his blaster? Yes, we get that in Capt. Marvel, and it is just as bad and equally pointless!
Now, there are some good moments in this movie, but they are sadly not many, and when you add bad characterization too that, we are left with a movie that has the same satisfaction as a McDonald's cheeseburger. It does not taste all that good, and when you burp you are hungry again.
Sorry, but if you want to see a female superhero then watch Wonder Woman instead.
Yes, DC actually have Marvel beat in this category.
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018)
Too many ingredients can spoil the meal as well...
Let me first say that I loved the first movie. It is one of my favorite feel good movies in recent memory. The quirky characters, the world building, and the charm of it was immensely captivating to me.
Crimes of Grindelwald is not that.
It is a quite different kettle of fish that unfortunately spreads its focus on too many characters who all have to have their background explained in order to set up their relations or impact on each others lives. This sadly removes a lot of focus from our main characters (Newt and Tina especially) and makes what is fundamentally a rather simple story overly complicated and a bit convoluted.
It also has quite a significant tonal shift from the first movie, which was a charming romp with some dark moments. Grindelwald, however, is a very dark movie with charming, lighthearted moments. Imagine watching the first Potter movie and then jumping straight to movie 6 and you get the idea.
This is by no means a bad thing as the movie is very consistent and there really are no awkward tonal shifts (as for example in Last Jedi), and since I brought up Star Wars... In terms of tone, I would call this the Empire Strikes Back of Fantastic Beasts.
Speaking of beasts, they have sadly taken a back seat in this movie as well, so if you, like me, enjoyed them and Newt's interaction with them (wonderfully devoid of most of the magical approach to problem solving, which understandably seems to be standard in the Potter universe, but handled through Newt's understanding and communication with said beasts) there is very little of that, but the few interactions we do see are immensely enjoyable.
This may sound overly critical, but despite these things I still very much enjoyed the movie, and I have to give a special mention to Grindelwald himself who is a genuinely interesting villain. Unlike the pure evil of Voldemort (and excessive temper tantrums and evil laughs), Grindelwald is a soft spoken, intelligent, unemotional, extremely manipulative spider, pulling the strings from the center of his web. This is extremely well portrayed by Depp who plays him very straight. Yes, there is no "Depping it up" in this Depp performance, and it works very well indeed, something that can be said about all the performances. They are just really good!
I would rate this movie higher if it had been more focused, rather than spreading its story out on so many different characters, but it at least manages to tie it all up in a reasonably satisfying way, that managed to peak my interest for the next one.
It's basically like eating at a restaurant and getting a satisfying meal, that was marred by having too many ingredients in it, which is why I end up on a low 7.
Ghostbusters (2016)
Will someone please shout "CUT"!?
It took me quite a while to watch this movie. Not because of the whole "female" non-controversy, but because I was getting really sick and tired of re-boots and re-makes of movies that were already good.
Now that I finally watched it, I have to say that this is a contender for worst re-boot/re-make I have ever had the misfortune of watching. Ghostbusters 2016 seems to have completely missed the point of what made the original work.
What on earth made Paul Feig believe that it would be fun to have everyone act like cartoon characters, is simply beyond me. Add to that incredibly cringy add-lipping, jokes so childish you would think it was made with kindergarteners in mind (some of which are repeated ad nausea) , a plot that has little to no resonance at all, and constant, unending talking making even scenes that could have been atmospheric and somewhat creepy (the animated mannequin doll) falling flat on their face.
With all the talking, jokes, dumb guy covering his eyes when he hears a loud noise, dancing, shouting, woo-hooing, etc. etc. etc. Ghostbusters 2016 is like a 5-year old jumping around on the bed screaming at the top of his lungs, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" in its utter desperation for getting laughs. That desperation was the only laughs the movie got from me, as I could not believe the depths they were willing to sink to - and then actually repeat them.
It's a movie completely devoid of direction, atmosphere, charm, and most importantly humour.
I cannot recommend this movie to anyone. Watch the originals instead!
Extinction (2015)
Don't let the zombies deter you from this human drama
Extinction is more a drama than a zombie flick, which sadly means it's a quite difficult movie to sell. There's not enough "zombie action" to satisfy fans of that genre, and the whole zombie apocalypse backdrop might deter people interested in watching a deeper human story from watching it.
That said, after an extremely cliched zombie apocalypse opening, it quickly turns into a small, personal drama that deals more with the problems of seclusion and human complexity than the zombies. All of this is well done with well acted and fleshed out characters, and a direction and cinematography that emphasizes the intimacy a movie like this needs to get us involved.
All is not perfect, though. There is a beginning of a sub-plot involving delusions that is promptly forgotten, which was a bit jarring, and some character decisions (especially in the opening) that are questionable, as well as a situation where the movie seems to forget how many zombies are present, but when all is said and done this was a very enjoyable drama that just happens to have some zombies in it, and could be described as a very good episode of The Walking Dead (of which there aren't that many) stretched out to feature length.
Slender Man (2018)
Loud noises aren't scary - just annoying!
Slender Man (aka Cliche - the movie) is not only incredibly lacking in any scares, but also fails in telling an even close to interesting story that apparently can't even get its own lore straight. Add to that a bunch of cardboard cutouts trying to pass off as characters (that the movie itself doesn't even seem to care that much about), special effects that outright made me laugh out loud, jump scares you can set a timer to, and you've got a horror movie that fails on practically every single level.
Did I mention it even has the dream within a dream scare? Well, of course it does, because this movie hasn't got anything you haven't seen before done many times better.
The only reason I didn't fall asleep was because the movie insisted on using sound effects so obnoxiously loud I was constantly fearing it would permanently impair my hearing.
It is a testament to a movie's lack of self confidence in being able to create a creepy atmosphere when it has to do it with loud noises and quick cuts to what I suppose was meant to be "unsettling" stuff, which just ends up coming across as laughable and unfortunately rather pathetic.
This movie is sadly not so bad it's good - it's just plain bad!
En frygtelig kvinde (2017)
Are you ready to look yourself in the mirror?
Few movies manage to get under your skin and force you to reflect on who you are as a person in terms of relationships.
This movie does that in both satirical and humorous ways, but also in dramatic, cringe worthy ways, where the worst inside of us is painfully portrayed.
If you think this movie is just about a horrible, possessive, and controlling woman, you are wrong! It is also about the superficiality of male bonding and the destruction of personal identity that happens in any abusive relationship - whether the perpetrator is a man or a woman.
I myself, as well as everyone I have talked to who have seen it, saw many painfully recognizable things in these two extremely well acted characters, which brings the poster for the movie into perspective.
A Horrible Woman dares us to look in the mirror and be confronted with our own shortcomings and I triple dare anyone who see it, to NOT discuss it afterwards.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Plot convenience - The Movie
I was personally not a fan of the first Jurassic World. I generally found the movie too contrived and simply too silly to take even remotely serious.
Imagine my surprise when I realized that Fallen Kingdom is even worse in that department, and without even close to the charm that the first one at least managed to have.
Fallen Kingdom might as well have been called "Plot Convenience" - The Movie.
The entire premise and the first scene hinges on retcons and stupidity, and what tries to pass as a plot just gets worse from there, with everything from laser targeted dinosaurs (no this is not a joke), to a spooky castle (complete with fog), and teleporting characters and dinosaurs. Yes, we have characters and dinosaurs popping up at convenient moments without zero idea of how they even managed to get there.
This is possibly best described by going back to the original Jurassic Park. Remember when the main characters were surrounded by the raptors, and just as they were ready to attack, the T-Rex showed up? Well, this happens at least four times in this movie. AT LEAST FOUR TIMES!!!!
This is the movie in its entirety.
Movies are supposed to try to suspend disbelief (something Jurassic Park managed to do quite well), but Fallen Kingdom seems to go out of its way to confirm our disbelief, by having humans and animals behave in ways that simply makes no sense what so ever.
Movies like this is an insult to basic intelligence and competent writing.
The only reason I do not rate it lower is because there are a few short scenes that work, and at times some excellent cinematography, but none of it saves this utter waste of money and time.
Watch the original (again) instead!
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
So bad it's actually good
This is a very difficult movie to rate.
What can I say about one of my favorite bad movies...
I must have seen it at least 20 times at this point and it never gets old.
All props look like the were bought in a toy store and made of the cheapest plastic, the wig on the dwarf looks like nylon, the CGI wouldn't be out of place in a very low budget TV series, and the acting... Oh, the acting...
One of my friends put it best when he tried to sell me this movie.
"Basically, they put a salami in the directors chair and pinned a note saying "OVERACT" on it. That's the movie!"
And that sums it up pretty well.
It is bad. REALLY bad!
But it's so bad it's good and a hell of a good time!
A Haunted House (2013)
Please God, make it stop...
Wow, I'm almost lost for words...
This is probably one of the most cringe worthy comedies I have ever seen.
The entire movie is a one trick pony show. Here is how it works:
The homosexual is funny because he's homosexual.
The swingers are funny because the want to sleep with other people.
The racist is funny because he's racist.
That's it!
Now, you take this and stretch scenes out to about 8 minutes of the same joke done 70 different ways and you've got a movie that is so unfunny, so demeaning to average intelligence, and so below par it quite literally digs a hole for itself.
Then you have spontaneous scenes of Wayans making out with plush toys, defecating on the floor and wiping off in the curtains... because... reasons...
Yes, this is one of the most embarrassing, low effort comedies I have ever seen.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)
What a pleasant surprise.
I only saw this movie because the one I was going to see was sold out, so my expectations were not exactly high.
But, man, was I entertained by this.
Its a perfectly paced bit of fun, with jokes that actually land, combined with charm and quite a bit of heart.
The Rock may not be a great actor, but he saves it with utter charm, and Jack Black as a teenage girl could have gone wrong in so many ways, but it just works.
If I have a criticism, it has to be the main villain, who is just rather forgettable, but in a movie this charming and fun its a minor gripe.
Not a classic by any means, but a good time.
Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)
What on earth happened?
This was the movie where the new trilogy had to come into its own, and God knows Johnson tried (even though the skeleton is Empire Strikes Back), but like the prequels it fails.
Unlike the prequels the fault is not in the direction or the acting, but solely with the script.
The plotholes are so huge you can drive several tanker trucks through them - sideways. Character motivations are practically non-existent or are so horribly shallowly explained they don't resonate at all, and the force is now basically a deux ex machina where characters can pull force powers of hitherto unseen or unheard of strengths out of nowhere simply to facilitate the plot - or get the writer out of a sticky situation.
Add to that a subplot that goes nowhere and means nothing, simply to have specific characters in a specific location at a specific time, and you've got nothing short of a contrived mess of a script.
This is a shame as this movie has a lot of potential and with a better thought out script could have been really good.
Now I can only feel for the poor people who has to make a conclusion to this mess.
With all that said, I did find it entertaining, but only when I shut my brain off...