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Reviews
Smile (2022)
Close to genius.
There isn't a film that builds suspense through its shots as well as this that's been produced in some years. It's astonishing to me that lame movies like X get lauded as great horror and this doesn't. This movie was so unsettling in its movement and framing and use of music. The interspersing of jump scares and slow moving dread. I came into this thinking it wouldn't be a sustainable concept for a 2 hour film. A smiling thing that kills people. Like, eventually the smiling stuff would get old and i wouldn't care. But they do it so appropriately and uniquely. It's a masterclass in timing and pacing. The birthday scene is actually perfect. Not in some exaggerated "dang bro that was perf", but there isn't a single second within that 10 minutes or so that could've been used differently. It's not the greatest horror film ever. However, with our current horror landscape, it rivals Hereditary, and stands alone in its style.
American Idol: The Search for a Superstar (2002)
Gimmick after gimmick after gimmick after...
Gimmick. I do not remember the last episode where there was even one contestant where they just came up and sang. Actually, I take that back. Sometimes there is, but when they open their mouth or play their instrument, THAT is the gimmick. Every single contestant is a gimmick and it's exhausting. How anyone can watch this show still is beyond me and the winners don't become stars anymore because the gimmick of reality singing competitions is played out. These kids are being used as props to make ABC network rich. It used to be a genuine show about finding talent, signing it, and putting it on the radio. Now it's about getting clicks, chewing up and spitting out these kids and using them for gimmicks. American Idol is the worst thing on TV.
M3GAN (2022)
High ratings from TikTok brainwashed teens
Anyone with a brain knows this was garbage and formulaic. But as an adult who uses TikTok I noticed something during the marketing of this film....the studio sunk sooooo much money into marketing on TikTok. I was watching "influencers" acting like their gushing over Megan wasn't a paid promo and then the comment sections, like a tidal wave, snowballing the love for this movie among the youth. It's not a good movie. It's actually horrible. It's not scary. It's not well written. It's nothing but a wasted opportunity with decent CGI for the Megan robot. I would literally bet my entire right arm that if they didn't have a TikTok to leverage this and brainwash all the kids into thinking this movie was good, it would have been the biggest flop in film history. I genuinely believe that.
Back in the Groove (2022)
Meteor, take me now.
The absolute worst garbage I've ever seen, but I seem to find myself saying this a lot lately these days. What is wrong with society? No, I mean it. If you're reading this, Stop what you're doing right this moment and just sit in the silence with me. Let's contemplate how we got here and what this means for our future. Reality shows came out but they were somewhat respectable. Like the first few seasons of Bachelor. It was of course a little scripted and the drama was pushed by the producers, but there was no social media or available fame for these men and women on the tv to strive for. They were literally on tv to find love. Now you can tell that every single person on any of these shows is just trying to get you to follow them on Instagram. Emotion is dead. We are all numb and society is through. Meteor, take me now.
Terrifier 2 (2022)
Zero tension. Period.
When you watch a horror film, a good one will have you feeling so uneasy and TERRIFIED that you have to force yourself to keep your eyes on the screen. The Goonies is scarier than this. It's not just the story and the length, the director is genuinely god awful. The shots don't build tension. There is no visual thing bringing out the terror in a frame, like lighting or zooming or angle or anything. Go watch a James Wan film. Watch how he scares you just by the framing of a shot, like the nun at the end of the hallway in Conjuring 2. You feel genuine terror, dreading what you're about to see. It's like they think that simply having the clown in the frame is enough. There's never even a moment where they change the lighting. They're literally just capturing shots in the way a high school film student would. I genuinely, and I truly mean genuinely, felt not a single twinge of fear the entire movie. And this Director is so narcissistic and cocky that he had the nerve to use his name in front of this like he's Stanley Kubrick or Alfred Hitchcock lololololol. What an absolute joke.
The Patient (2022)
Too much time, not enough time...
This is one of those shows where they like to include like a 15 min monologue about Auschwitz for some reason....except the episodes are only 20 minutes long, and let's be honest, not even fully 20. I clocked the last one for actual show time at 18:57. If it's going to try to follow that "I'm an art piece show so we need to watch two people talk for 20 minutes straight" instead of utilizing the short period of time that you do have to develop the ACTUAL story, which is that of a shrink trying to save himself and others from a serial killer, then it needs to be a full hour. It's really annoying.
Prey (2022)
Any smart person knows why this movie was green lit.
I'm a screenwriter. It's common (unspoken) knowledge in filmmaking circles that most large studios today will not even entertain screenplays that aren't minority focused. In other words, if this script had been written with a white person as the lead, it would not have even reached the studio receptionist's desk. Anyone who thinks the writers went "I have a smart, great idea!" are sorely mistaken. It was a calculated effort to get Native American representation. I'm not against their representation. On the contrary, I'm all for it, and wonder regularly why they aren't represented hardly anywhere. I just say this so you understand why this movie was so uninspired and disjointed. It's because it wasn't coming from a genuine, deeply thought out concept. It was coming from an agenda.
Black Mirror: Hang the DJ (2017)
Potentially the greatest love story I have ever seen.
My headline says it. I'm struggling to find a more brilliant, heart-filled love story that has been told. It is perfect. There is not a flaw. If you disagree, I am right and you are wrong.
Midnight Mass (2021)
Almost great but....
The doctor woman has just told the Sheriff that sunlight literally sets blood on fire and turns it to ashes and that the main character Riley just caught on fire when the sun rose like a vampire, and instead of believing her or at least even saying "well that sounds crazy but I'll at least listen to you", or acknowledging that he has seen some extremely crazy stuff since the new priest came like, oh, I don't know, how the crippled girl can walk again and the 90 year old mother of the doctor somehow now looks 40, he launches into a 10 minute monologue about his origin story for how he became the sheriff of the town and the writers use the opportunity to write pro-Muslim propaganda. Ruined it all. Like, I was so invested in this show and now I couldn't give a s**t. Thanks guys.
Keep Breathing (2022)
Wasted potential
At the beginning, you're seeing something endearing unfold. A woman crashes in the wilderness and has to survive. We see flashbacks of her troubled past and how those affect her relationships today. We see her love interest and how she pushes him away because she's afraid of abandonment. At the beginning, I'm thinking "ok cool, she's going to fight like hell to find her way back to this man". I find myself invested. She hates the way she treated him and wants to get back to him to show him that she loves him. Good. Nice. A hook. I'm rooting for her......But then the flashbacks just take over. Constant flashbacks of her manic mother who left her, of her yelling at her dad. I DONT NEED HUNDREDS OF THESE SCENES. We got it in the second episode. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOTHER AND FATHER. I care about her surviving and finding her way back to the man she loves so she can make amends for all the things she's done BECAUSE of her relationship with her mother and father. All you need to do is set those up for the viewer. You don't need to go any further than the set up. What a complete waste of potential. Hey Netflix, see me waving my hand over here, I'm a writer who is actually talented. Maybe hire me for your next show, or just stick with these hacks.
The Batman (2022)
Mediocre on the best day
I have very little to say and I left early.
When Edward Cullen blew up the roof of the political rally building as sharp glass and concrete rained down onto hundreds of people because he was going to save them or something? Yeah that's when I left.
Also the Penguin was literally a pointless character and had no definable character. Just the overdone "mobster" trope who brought nothing to the story.
Also every time Bella's Boyfriend was Bruce Wayne he looked like a 40 year old 10 year old school boi who is reclusive because trauma or whatever. I see what you're trying to do but it doesn't work.
Also I almost stood up and started a fight when, after the overdone car chase scene (as they do in every action movie ever) with the penguin, he's laughing like I ESCAPED I ESCAPED I WIN! (as they do in every action movie ever) and then the batmobile jumps through flames (as they do in every action movie ever) and all the people in the movie theater were like "WOW! YEAH! SO COOL!"......I'm sorry, am I the only one who has seen this EXACT sequences in literally hundreds of action movies? What are you cheering for? Do you also cheer every time your mommy makes you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as if you've never had that before? God, people are so lame, stupid, and insufferable.
The whole movie is just cringe, disorganized, lame, boring, 37 hours long, the people next to you all have their hands stuck in plastic snack bags and also have Parkinson's disease for all 37 hours.
What a nightmare of an experience.
Cooked with Cannabis (2020)
Why are Netflix shows so rushed lately?
This show has so much potential but it's genuinely terrible right now. The first episode was actually intriguing, but it literally fell off the cliff after Ep1.
- The hosts are subpar. The man's voice is creepy. The sound engineering is terrible, and the staged "reads" are jarring. It's way too obvious when the hosts aren't speaking on the spot and production has inserted a booth script read.
- Get better chefs. Some of these people are so bad it's hard to watch.
- Get better "judges". People with more relevance, and who seem more invested. Too Short was on his phone the entire time, not talking. And one girl left before the episode was even over. Why would the producers allow that?
- Integrate the "hangout" table and the hosts. Why are they separate? What's the point in the celebs being there? Use them more efficiently.
- AND THE WORST PART: In the last episode, the judges ate the food without the chefs seeing them do so and hearing their critique..................this is a competition, and these chefs need to know what you're looking for. Why would you strip that helpful critique away from them? Now they don't know what they could improve upon and they don't know where they stand in a competition where they're vying for 10 grand. I mean, come....on.
So the real question......for a show with so much potential, why did Netflix throw it together like a group of friends who have nothing better to do?
Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Please, Black Mirror...just give me Black Mirror.
Monotonous. Tedious. It fills me with anxiety. The storyline is extremely forgettable, as I've already actually sort of forgotten it. This is lazy Award bait. They did not try this concept for the consumer. I am a copywriter in the advertising industry. This is no different than a client coming to us and saying "We want to do something that will win a Cannes Lion or an Emmy", and then we creatives proceed to concept for some interactive whatever that no one will care about, but will theoretically be brilliant and will hopefully rake in during the award circuit. Enjoy your awards Black Mirror, but you better drop a 10 episode season filled with the brilliant and shocking storytelling that you had been doing before.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)
There is only one problem with this movie...
The title.
Let's be real, nothing was going to make this movie great. But the only thing that genuinely annoys me is the title. Why did they use the word "last"? It's incorrect as this is two years later.
The title should be "I still know what you did THAT summer".
An entire Hollywood crew and not one writer or semi-intelligent person could figure out that the word "last" could simply be changed to "that"?
Literal morons.