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Olympus (2015)
Utterly Mind Boggling
...that a television executive could watch this pilot episode and think "I like what I see. This has promise, lets do it." No. No. No. No. NOOOO! Nearly everything about this show is bad.
The acting, I'll admit, isn't terrible, but even the greatest actors on Earth can't overcome horrible writing and horrible screen editing.
Here's an example: The "Hero" of the story, who's name can't be named, on a quest to find the Oracle of Gaia, has just rescued three ladies, from a Cyclops, who all claim to be the Oracle. Immediately, upon exiting the cave, one of the women--who we've all deduced is the real Oracle the moment she opened her mouth--decides to set out on her own, telling Hero that she only lied about being the Oracle so that he would save her. He glances back at the other two women and they shrug their shoulders, "Don't look at me...". "No. I'm taking you all back, the priest will know the right one." The woman, who we assume is the Oracle, begins to run away. He then, quickly, turns back to the two other women and says "Goodbye, good luck, and may the gods clear your way." There are several other "WTF!" moments in the writing, in this single episode, that leave you just shaking your head. But I'll move on to probably the biggest problem of this show...
The green screen. I would guess 75% of this show was shot against a green screen. Nearly every sequence, except for palace scenes in the Kings war room or bed chamber, were shot with green screen. That, in itself, wouldn't be a big deal if the backdrops they were using had any quality and didn't look like hand painted stage canvases or that they were acting in front of a projection screen. There was a scene in a wooded area that was 100% green screen. There must not have been any room in the production budget to shoot a scene in a park or a rural forest. So they tossed some leaves on a stage and said, "don't worry about it, we'll put the trees in later".
And then there's every other sequence with some out-of-focus fantasy landscape that looked unbelievably bad. Apparently, the countryside must have been covered with immense marble statues, but all that remains now are the colossal severed heads, the size of castles, literally strewn everywhere you look.
I can only imagine... someone must have pitched the idea of this series to a Syfy exec with promises that it would be like 300 with a pinch of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys thrown in. They clearly tried to include a stereoscopic, 300-like, battle scene, complete with bullet-time slow-motion. Truthfully, that part wasn't too bad. unfortunately, it only lasted for about three or four seconds of a twenty second fight scene, and was probably the only part of the entire show worth watching. The rest was garbage.
Burlesque (2010)
How Did This Get Made - Burlesque
I sat down to watch Burlesque yesterday. My first thought: this is a cliché, trying to escape her small town, move to Hollywood, become a star, girl drama. It seemed to be a, middle of the road, union of Coyote Ugly and Show Girls. Both of which, in their own right, are terrible movies. So, no surprise, immediately, this appears to be a worthy candidate for HDTGM dissection.
This is a chick flick, through and through. Men simply can't identify with this type of story. Lets face it: a movie, in which a man packs up and moves from his home town to escape small town life and a dead end job, would be a three minute film of him tying his bootlaces together, tossing the footwear over a power line, followed by a shot of him driving away. Fini. Yes, this is a movie for chicks. Based on this realization, alone, this movie should never have been made. However, men are also horn dogs who enjoy looking at scantily clad, attractive, young women, in provocative poses. There's no denying, women aren't the target demographic for burlesque shows. So, in that sense, where the premise of the story and the acting fail, the movie, at least delivers for the men. They went to the theater and paid to see a burlesque show; the movie delivered on that count. This probably explains the 6.4 user rating on IMDb.
This movie had significant failings in it's plot. The biggest failing, for me, is the burlesque club itself. Firstly, you must suspend your disbelief that we live in a world where a club like this would even exist. Burlesque establishments are typically sexually deviant, back alley, basement dungeons. But the most flagrant, in your face, aspect of the club that causes you to instantly disconnect from an ability to care, is the fact that the finances and operation of the business are woefully mismanaged by Cher's character, Tess. Compounded, on top of delinquent payments of her property's multiple mortgages, a balloon payment that is due at the end of the month, she also has so many, unnecessary, expenses that are driving her into bankruptcy. A live band, for starters, when the vocals are lip synced?. Bringing the dancers expensive alcoholic beverages between numbers? These are reasons why Tess has no business running a business, and so I really don't give a crap if she loses the club, in fact... I was hoping she would.
My 'What the F**k Moment' was the scene where Cher does a solo rehearsal with her DJ. He pops in a compact disc--no need to include the band in a rehearsal--and she belts out a sorrowful ballad, that just so happens, to fit her mood at the moment. This is about as close to being a true musical that, Burlesque, could ever be. The problem is that the scene felt like it was a contractual obligation, between the studio and Cher, that they just wanted to get out of the way. Unfortunately, this isn't even a song that belongs in a burlesque show, and feels completely freaking alien to the rest of the film.
In the end, what we have, as far as a movie goes, is a two hour long string of choreographed hip-hop videos--comprising roughly 70% of the screen time--loosely strung together by an absurd plot, culminating as an excuse to see provocatively clad women prancing around a stage. So why did this movie get made? From budget to box office, the movie is about ten million in the red. For that reason alone, the movie should never have been made. I think this is probably a case of a studio that miscalculated the popularity of Cher and Aguilera in their ability to draw in an audience of their fans. The only redeeming value of the film, from a guy's perspective, was that there was plenty of hot women doing hot things to keep us from falling asleep. I'd just watch pornography, however, if that's what I was after. I've certainly seen porn with equally plausible plot lines.
Zombie Resurrection (2014)
Group of survivors are lost in a zombie movie that has lost it's way
The movie opens with a scene--which is unrelated to the actual movie--of a spec ops soldier moving through the forest. The shot is presented through impressive variations of first person and third person perspectives. The commando sneaks up on an enemy camp. He dispatches three enemy soldiers and begins to collect intelligence when he, surprisingly, discovers a woman held captive. While trying to cut her free, he accidentally slices his own hand, causing a change within himself; a few moments later, 28 Days Later-ish, he has morphed into a zombie and attacks the woman.
The above scene is immediately followed by an animated title sequence which was actually really well done and worth watching a few times. But, it feels like it should be used as the opening credits for a syndicated Zombie television series.
Up to this point, five minutes in, the movie is looking to be a promising zombie flick. Unfortunately, it appears that the scene, described above, must have been a bait and switch. I certainly feel like I was duped. One can only imagine that they used the half decent opener to present to potential investors in an attempt to generate financial support for a full length movie... because what comes next is a catastrophe of a film.
Four hundred and fifty some days after a zombie apocalypse, a group of survivors are being escorted by a pair of "military" personnel through the country, toward one of the last havens of humanity. Some place called "Imperium" or something. I loosely use the word "military" because these two jackholes are merely caricatures of their roles. They remind me of the soldiers, in charge, in the underground bunker in Romero's Day of the Dead.
Along with the soldiers, there's an overly protective Father with his 20-something, naive, daughter. There's a horny young man, trying to get into the daughter's pants, a Christian zealot, pygmy, pregnant, raped, black woman, and a young attractive foul-mouthed brunette who, for inexplicable reasons, is letting the middle aged father plow her, whenever and wherever they get the chance.
Also, there's a prisoner, orange jumpsuit and all, who I mustn't forget, because he is the protagonist of the story. Apparently, he is one of the scientists responsible for the zombie plague. The apocalypse was caused by a vaccination, went wrong, that they had developed in the lab.
So... they're bringing this guy, in chains, across a zombie ridden land, back to Imperium... so they can execute him. I know, this sounds pretty dumb: probably because it is. The only person who knows how to get there is Major Gibson, who couldn't lead a platoon of men out of a wet paper bag.
I'll note, here, that up to this point I seriously thought that the movie was trying to be a comedy, like Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead. The character's antics were highlighted by the plucky strumming of stringed instruments, like something straight out of a Looney Tunes cartoon. Major Gibson, while hunting a rabbit, does a perfect Elmer Fudd impersonation: "Shhhhhh.... I'm hunting a wabbit!"
The Father and the slut are banging in the woods. He's railing her from behind, when the two are interrupted, and he loses his erection, to her disgust. I nearly blew cola out of my nose. Someone decided that it would be cool to add a sound effect of his "pull out". Which ended up being a wet, sloppy sucking noise, pretty much the same as you'd expect to hear in a scene with zombies digging through the intestinal tract of a recent kill.
Not-at-all related to the abundance of dumb-f**kery, of pretty much every person in the group, an unfortunate incident, with the Major, involving a bear trap, a zombie, and a machete, causes them to decide to seek shelter in a nearby abandoned school.
From here forward, the movie takes a decided turn toward actual horror. The party gets attacked, by a lone zombie, after they've barricaded themselves up in the school chapel. They decide that the "freshness" of the monster could mean that there are other survivors nearby, or at the very least, other zombies. As such, they go out to explore the school and find themselves facing an auditorium filled with the creatures. But something obviously queer is going on: one of the zombies has the power to bring the undead back to life. Of course, they decide to abduct this 'messiah' zombie, who could potentially be the cure for the plague.
Now the film becomes muddled again with only about fifteen to twenty minutes to go, there's no clear path as to what they ought to do. The Major, who is the only one who knows the way to civilization, recently turned zombie from his injury, could be made un-undead. But that path, in the story, is quickly tabled when the daughter, for no explainable reason, blows the Major's head off at the moment he has just been resurrected.
So... they (the writers) decided to just end it all in a typical downward spiral of chaos that ultimately has the film coming to conclusion with everyone dead, except for the scientist, who has pretty much given up, and appears poised to throw himself into a herd of zombies, cause he would rather be dead than "living amongst the dead."
Z Nation (2014)
Horribly Good
This new zombie TV series Z-Nation.
I am struggling to decide if this is the worst written and acted show to ever make it to cable... or if the program is the product of a think-tank of insane genius. I genuinely found myself laughing out, half-a-dozen times, as I wait in anticipation of the next cliché, twist, stupid one-liner and dialogue. Time after time, I am not let down. And it gets funnier... and funnier. Like flipping a coin and getting heads 8 times in a row... each consecutive flip, getting more and more interesting as you know its bound to be tails.
The show is so horrible its good. 5 minutes into the first episode I knew it was junk, but I kept watching. By the end of the show I was surprised to find that I honestly enjoyed it.
I can't tell if they're intending it to be funny like Zombie Land, but the acting, dialogue and situations are so stupid it's great in a memorable Army of Darkness kind of way. If this show makes it, it will be because of how bad it is. I can see it gaining a cult following for these reasons.
Watch the show with a mind-set expecting an atrocity and to giggle at the absurdness and you will probably enjoy it, like me.
The Hell Patrol (2009)
Low budget, low quality zombie boredom
I'd like to point out that the only reason I even finished this film was because it was so short.
The premise of the film is that there had been a zombie apocalypse in the not too distant past. San Fransisco appears to be the last bastion of human civilization. The demand for supplies has prompted San Fran to form up militant squads with the mission to head out into the country to scavenge whatever food/water/materials that they can find and bring it all back.
Based upon the clips of video footage shown during the opening credits the setting of the film appears to take place sometime in the 1960s. For whatever reason the director decided to continue to embrace the time setting by artificially making the video quality, throughout the feature, seem grainy and diluted: as if it was filmed in the 60s. This doesn't make much sense to me since the film isn't shot from a first person perspective, like one of the actors was shooting home camera footage.
The film was pretty much just a zombie scenario. This movie has next to no story or character development, which is sad because the only thing that makes a zombie movie interesting is getting to know and care about the characters who are surviving the horror. Without character development you can't care when the protagonists begin to die.
The writing, the acting and the dialogue were complete rubbish.
They find a remote house and decide to make it their base of operations or at least the site of their last stand. Plenty of lumber, nails, water, and flood lights. That's all they need. Two of the group's flunkies are set out to dig a fighting hole in the front yard to use as a observation post. Meanwhile the sarge, lieutenant, and major argue a bit over the fraternization going on between the LT and the SGT. Then come the zombie horde, which promptly get tipped off as to the location of the humans when the LP/OP send up a signal flare in the front yard. So they decide to play Cowboys and Indians from the roof of the house. After an inspiring "Brave Heart" rallying speech from the female LT, the gang put up a valiant effort trying to defend the Alamo from dozens of zombies until the last of their 10 bullets are expended. At this point it all goes downhill when they abandon the roof to try to keep the dozens of surviving zombies from breaking into the house. They did a lousy job barricading the doors and windows and within a few minutes they're all zombie chow except for the female LT who escapes back to San Fransisco empty handed.
Quarantine (2008)
REC vs. Quarantine - My take on the matter:
Here's my one word review: Disappointed
The remake was better and I'll tell you why. For one, the Spanish version had little or no character development. I didn't feel for the Spanish cast. In fact, I generally disliked the Spanish female reporter. She came across as a b*tch with all of her "cut filming if the interviewee sucks" attitude towards journalism. She said it several times. Other than that she was obviously completely terrified that is about the extent of development of her character.
In the English version her character was 100 times more interesting. She was excited about the job. She was funny. Was living her dream of being a fire fighter by documenting the job. There was sexual tension between her and the fire fighters. She was a fun interviewer. If I had to choose between an English or Spanish version of "While you're Asleep", there wouldn't even be a decision to make. The Spanish chick was boring and the show wouldn't have made it through half a season.
The fire fighters in the Spanish version also did not have any character. They didn't even have a heroic presence like the men in the remake. They had no sense of humor. Gods, I don't know how to even put this other than: They had no character and I felt nothing for them. Their deaths were as meaningless as the deaths of all the other players who only had a few seconds of screen time.
That's probably enough about the character... or lack thereof.
Now, about the horror.
The English version was many times more brutal. The action was more intense. The special effects were more impressive. Take for example the camera man beating the woman to death with his camera and we get to see the whole thing through the camera's eye. Or of the rabid woman who gets tossed over the balcony and falls three floors twisting and spinning till she splats on the linoleum. There wasn't a single moment of horror in the Spanish film that impressed me. There was nothing that I hadn't seen before 100 times in any other cheesy flesh-eating-zombie-flick.
In the remake, the sickness seemed more realistic, and gradual, with the foaming mouths and that general "on the brink of death look". The sick little girl, in the Spanish film, almost vampire-like, transformed instantly and bit her mother. Supposedly "dead" people became alive again, giving the Spanish film more of a zombie horror feel instead of a movie about a biological hazard. What's up with that?
At any rate... by my standards, Quarantine was far better a film than REC. I'm glad they decided to do a remake for the English crowd. I would have watched the Spanish version and passed it off as nothing special, just like 99% of all the other sh*tty horror out there. Quarantine, however beat the odds and made it to that coveted 1% that I hold so dear in my heart.
Deadlands: The Rising (2006)
A low budget, low quality, waste of time, amateur zombie flick.
The video and audio quality is sub-par. To me, it felt like a home video reminiscent of something you'd see taken at the relatives place on Thanksgiving Day.
The acting is amateurish, forced, and seemingly barely rehearsed. The screenplay/dialog is poorly written.
You just know a movie is going to blow when 50% of the opening credits go to special FX techs, the dude who cast "extras" for zombies, and the writer/director/editor is credited with about a half of a dozen other billets.
Usually, I'd say that a movie this horrible is worth watching for the simple entertainment of pointing and laughing at how bad it is... but the whole thing from start to finish is mind numbingly dull.