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sirjrcalvin
Reviews
The Hunt (2020)
Disappointing for Reasons I Didn't Expect...
This film caught my eye last year when is stirred up controversy for being "hyper-violent" and full of "dangerous social stances." At least, that's what the media outlets claimed. Controversy is usually something I am drawn to, so I vowed to see this when it came out.
I went in, expecting something hyper-violent, with some controversial, thought-provoking commentary on the political state of the country, or the skewed idealism of being extreme anything, etc. I expected some sort of point, even if it was a bad one.
Unfortunately, the film delivered only violence. If that's enough to entertain you, you'll enjoy the movie. If you expect any more that that, you'll walk away wondering how that could have been worth the ticket price.
What bothered me is that there were no characters in the movie. Instead, we got caricatures of extreme liberals and extreme conservatives killing each other for an hour and a half with no actual reason or point for it. We follow Crystal, (our protagonist?), as a silent, untouchable super soldier, which is perhaps an attempt to mock the Mary-Sue trope? None of the characters ever represented real people. Every single person in this movie had as much nuance and depth as a political Reddit comment.
The entire film feels like it was written and shot in about an hour. Would recommend renting if you want an hour and a half of violence. If you are looking for more than that, skip this one entirely.
Ready or Not (2019)
The Death of Quality Thriller-Comedies is Here
What did I just watch?
For a thriller/comedy, there were no thrills or laughs to be had. There was never a moment of tension. There was nothing even remotely close to humor. I think it was attempting to make social commentary of the lifestyles of the super-rich, but completely failed in that regard too.
The protagonist is the most braindead character I have seen in decades. She does the opposite of basic human instinct at every possible opportunity.
"It's a game, there are rules we must follow."
*family proceeds to change the rules every step of the way*
Save yourself the time and loss of brain cells. There are no redeeming qualities to be found here.
Little Monsters (2019)
Boring From The Start and Never Improves
Alright, first off, let's just say that I managed to sit through the whole movie, which is a feat in itself. I saw the trailer for this and was like "Oh, a quirky zom-com with Lupita Nyong'o! Could be fun!"
It wasn't fun.
First off, Lupita does a great job.... in the tiny role she's given. She doesn't appear for the first 30 min of a 90 min movie. Instead we get to follow David, the stealth protagonist that I don't recall ever seeing in the trailer, and for good reason. David is the definition of a garbage human being. The movie opens with him arguing with his girlfriend and it just drags on and on and on. He has no motivation, no social skills, mooches off his girlfriend and sister, and is all around awful in every conceivable way. And he's the main character...
Skip ahead, we have the school trip to the zoo where the zombie infestation congregates as we get introduced to Kid's TV Show host, Teddy. Turns out he's not the nice guy he plays on TV. And that's the problem. Josh Gad does a solid job acting wise, BUT the ONLY reason that Teddy even appears in this film is to be a worse character than David in an attempt to make him look better by contrast.
And then we have the writing around Ms. Caroline... Lupita is always stellar, but even she couldn't save this trainwreck of a character. She is only in this story as a balance to the two horrible male leads. She's essentially superhuman, often running headlong into a zombie horde and emerging unscathed. But what about her character growth? Oh that. She reveals she's not actually perfect and had a problematic youth just like David in his adulthood.
So, you reach the end of the film with nobody improving or growing, or anything whatsoever.
Final Verdict 3/10 if only for the acting, which was fine. But there's nothing else about the movie to make it worth your time.
Life (2017)
Wasted Potential
The cast was great with what they were given. The first and second acts had me intrigued, but sometime after that first hour, things really began to derail for Life. The direction is certainly a problem for this film, which had all the essential components of a great flick, but ends up being a rental at best when you've exhausted all of your other options.
The movie tried to be Alien, but ends up being closer to Prometheus by falling into the same traps. It fails to capture what made the original Alien franchise so interesting. The dialogue is lacking in many ways. The characters, while well acted, lack anything that makes them interesting. It even falls prey to old tropes about scientists in film.
I think the greatest tragedy of this film is Calvin itself. This life form seemingly has no weaknesses at all. Even in Alien, there was this overlying sense of hope that the Xenomorph could be beaten. In Life, we are presented with the unbeatable. The unstoppable force, and while this can sometimes translate well in literature and comic books, it does not make for an entertaining watch.
Final score 6/10. It's watchable. it has a few moments. But you are likely to forget it exists within hours of watching it.
Fright Night 2 (2013)
Why was this even made?
So, we have a title advertised as Fright Night 2 implying that it is a sequel to Fright Night, a cult classic from 1985 which was given a relatively successful remake treatment in 2011. Both of which told a near identical story with near identical timing and plot points with near identical characters. So surely, a sequel would mix things up a little and tell a different story following a different formula, right? Nope. In fact, it's not a sequel in any respects as we see the return of the EXACT SAME characters from the previous incarnations of Fright Night. Even those who were killed off. We follow the EXACT SAME story structure and see the EXACT SAME plot events happen at the EXACT SAME time points they have before. This film is a blatant insult to fans of Fright Night and I would not be surprised they just took the script from one of the previous films, brushed the dust off and called it a day. If you have any love for Fright Night, then make sure you pass on this cinematic abomination.
Murder Party (2007)
A Film That Has No Idea What It Is Trying To Be
At first, I thought this was a suspense/horror film. Except that I felt neither in horror nor suspense after watching it.
Must be a comedy then right? There are jokes and an absurd concept after all. Except that I didn't laugh. Not once.
Possibly a gorefest? Except the makeup and effects are laughable even for the obscenely low budget. 80's corn syrup is back in style!
Maybe it is an homage to indie film? I admit, there's a little creativity here. Enough to keep this from a 1-star review. But not enough to really explain what exactly I saw.
Perhaps some social commentary on modern art? Maybe that's it? I have no idea.
Ultimately, I have no idea what I was supposed to take away by watching this. By the time the end credits hit, I had forgotten the past hour and a half. It failed to be entertaining on any level?
Perhaps after a full bottle of tequila I'd see something here.
Troy (2004)
Does Some Justice to the Iliad, but Falls Short of Epic.
Having read The Iliad, it is clear that Troy wanted to capture that epic tale and bring it to life on screen. And they sure did try, but did not succeed.
The camera-work was amateur in many scenes. The settings were gorgeous. Brad Pitt's portrayal of Achilles as a whiny, entitled warrior was actually quite spot-on with the original source material, despite being abhorred by many audiences.
The magic was missing here. The presence of the gods on the battlefield was absent, some of the most fascinating characters, like Diomedes, were cut entirely. Overall, the film could have benefited from much more subtlety in the writing. Too many times did characters give paragraphs of exposition as if it were normal conversation. (See Hector and Paris in the first 15 minutes)
Overall, it's watchable. You'll be entertained and you'll end up liking this movie. But you won't LOVE it.
47 Meters Down (2017)
Lowering the Bar One Trope at a Time
"The Shallows" released last year and I believed that quality shark films could be making a comeback. This summer, we were given this heap of garbage and my hopes were dashed.
From the abysmal acting, to horrifically poor storytelling, there is little to find enjoyment about in this trainwreck.
Gore-hounds will find nothing in this movie as it's shockingly boring.
Shark-film lovers will wonder where the sharks actually are throughout most of the film.
And Mandy Moore lovers will come to terms with the fact that she can't act. Okay, that may be unfair since the script was probably written in about 15 minutes which is apparent as the characters narrate every single move they make. The writers have also, very obviously, never scuba dived or done any research on shark behaviors outside of looking at a picture on google.
And that third act... Wow. The movie was semi-tolerable as a B-flick up until the third act where it completely derails and gives up by jerking the audience around. Trope upon trope upon trope.
If you want a good, modern shark movie, watch "The Shallows." If you want to have your own Mystery Science Theater evening of mocking a terrible movie, then watch "47 Meters Down."
Night of Something Strange (2016)
The Movie Does it's Job- It'll Disgust You.
I give this movie credit for one thing: It makes a promise and delivers on it. It'll turn your stomach a dozen times over. It'll make your eyes feel as violated as the characters.
That said, there's really no reason to watch this aside from the gross-out style. The acting is beyond atrocious. You'd find more talent in Sharknado 5. The story is nonsensical, but let's be honest, that's not why you'd consider watching this in the first place.
The vast majority of the humor is great for middle-schoolers and some adults who never grew up. There's some passable humor in one or two scenes, but overall, it's nowhere near enough to save this disaster of a movie.
Some people like watching movies about a guy eating bloody tampons and banging corpses. For the rest of us, we will steer far away from this garbage.
2/10 for the fact that this film knows what it is and doesn't try to promise anything different.
Baby Driver (2017)
Absolutely Outstanding and Entertaining Film! 2017's Best!
Easily one of the best films I have seen. Remains entertaining from start to finish. The tension is palpable, the characters are memorable, and the plot flows smoothly from start to finish.
I could re-watch this movie a dozen times and enjoy it every single time. The music is seamlessly integrated into the story and adds some wonderful tempo to the film. This is an example of a music team that knows their timing well.
Overall, I HIGHLY recommend seeing this film and ignore all of the 1-star trolls. They can't seem to branch out beyond Steven Seagal movies anyways.
See this film!
Edgar Wright has done it again!
Conan the Barbarian (2011)
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, all in one film.
The Good: Casting. All around, Momoa really nailed the role of Conan. He's strong, abrasive, bloodthirsty, and bears conviction. The cast as a whole really gave the film the highest rating I could give it.
Also Good: Hyboria. The Picts looks quite terrifying early in the film, even if they fall like straw men. The film did a nice job exploring a few other areas of Hyboria that the 80's films never did. All in all, those who read the old books will find a lot of Easter eggs to enjoy here.
The Bad: The final act of the movie was just as boring as could be. Why do we care what the villain does with this really weird-looking octopus mask? The final battle sequence was a critical failure that ended the film with a whimper instead of a "Wow!"
Also Bad: Action sequences. There are many throughout the film and for each that will sincerely impress you, there are equally as many that are simply laughable.
The Ugly: The director, Marcus Nispel, may have given some fresh life to Hyboria, but at the cost of a coherent story and developed characters. You will reach the end of the movie knowing just as much about the characters as when you first started watching it. There's no depth to the characters (hero and villain alike). Character development is forgotten entirely. The stakes of the story are lost in a hodgepodge of randomly strung-together action sequences.
Overall, there's enough to like about the movie to make it watchable, but not enough to really wow an audience looking for so much more out of this rich universe.