TheDarkPhoenix85 Reviews

Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough (2005 Video)

Wow, what an embarrassment, and a waste of film

[1/10 · 28 September 2007]

Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough is the final installment to the Wild Things franchise. This film is an equivalent to rotting meat in the sun— it stinks. The film suffers from unoriginality. It tackles the same old recycled plot devices, by going through the motions of tackling the same typical state of affairs. There' the quintessential "Rich-Bitch" & "Trailer-Trash"; there's a rape accusation, (which of course, these chicks are behind on the plan.) Of course, there's a corrupted official of law enforcement caught in the middle of the scheme—leading to a threesome with the two young women, until he meets his doom. Of course the misunderstood good girl (either the trailer-trash or the rich bitch) ends up being the mastermind behind the whole scheme. It all takes place in the infamous seedy providence of Blue Bay, Florida.

Sarah Laine plays Marie Clifton, the spoil brat stepdaughter (who for some reason, shares her stepfather's maiden name) of filthy rich construction tycoon Jay Clifton (Brad Johnson). Marie is not satisfied with her stepfather challenging her heritance—which are two flawless diamonds that are worth 4 million dollars that were left to her by her deceased mother until her 18th birthday.

While Jay is on the verge of bankruptcy and a couple of missing fingers by the mob, the two are caught in a bitter battle for the diamonds, until Jay is accused of rape by one of Marie's fellow classmate name Elena Sandoval (Sandra McCoy), who is the chick from the opposite side of the tracks. So Marie uses this as an opportunity to retrieve the diamonds, by first, convincing Jay that she can sell the diamonds and use the money to help clear his name, therefore, this is when the thread of deceitfulness untangles, and you see the same ironic plot twists.

Everything in this film is so horrible cheap and B-Grade. To the disappointingly brief threesome sex-scene—which was nothing but shots of groping of the breasts (McCoy's body-double's that is). While Sandra McCoy couldn't emote to save her life, there's nothing sexy or seductive about her whatsoever, and since she's taken a 50% pay-cut for a body-double to do her nude scene—it ruins the effect that the actress has what it takes to bring some sort of sex appeal in front of the camera. If you're going to do sex-scenes where nudity is needed, then what's with these body-doubles? Sara Laine isn't as bad to look at, but she's no Denise Richards—who back in 1998, brought the essence of seduction and sexiness to her rich bitch Kelly Lanier Van Ryan. But you couldn't blame the two lead stars for chasing a quick paycheck. Noticeable Dina Meyer (Saw 1 & 2) as Elena's Parole officer and Mortal Combat's Linden Ashby returning from "Wild Things 2" as Detective Michael Morrison seems to be the only two actors that display some sort decent acting chops, but that doesn't change the fact that they're still B-listers. Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough is a brainless mess of a film. Though I shouldn't have expected too much from this film since it's a straight-to-DVD effort. Though it's neither entertaining nor worth renting. It's just straight up trash. What a waste of time.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Nothing here has risen folks.

[4/10 · 24 July 2007]

After the critics and comic-book aficionados gave the first Fantastic Four film a "bitchslap" of bad reviews, it became a surprise hit nonetheless. But some of you already knew there was going to be a sequel on the way. And since there were a lot of mistakes made, there must've been some lessons learnt from everyone involved—not that they could care less about "negative reception", since the movie has made 330 million worldwide. 2 years later, the promise that the sequel will be darker (so they say), and more serious (so they say), have been hype to death, though this is the same hype that has damaged both Spider-Man 3 and X3. Then, there's the publicity stills of the Silver Surfer as the next FF baddie, helping me leave my lowered expectations behind. I decided to give this one another shot, and that's because the Silver Surfer—who is one of the coolest Marvel creations ever.

Rise of the Silver Surfer is an improvement over the first film (And that's saying a lot for those of you who have ever seen the first film), since its source material is a reasonable one. The Fantastic Four must save Earth after the Silver Surfer, who is the herald of the planet eating being Galactus, signals it's destruction—while Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman prepare for their upcoming nuptials. Seems fair doesn't it? This could've worked, but the problem is that a brief 96 minutes running-time isn't enough to pull it all off. How are you going to pull off an "Independence Day" under 96 minutes? Not only is the running-time a huge problem, but the film is just too lackluster for me to fancy. And because of everything being so brief, arbitrary and perfunctory, there's wasn't enough action, fighting, or confrontational battles between the heroes & their foe(s). This is a film about an extraterrestrial being coming to destroy Earth, but you don't see too many things being blown up; devastation of landscapes or set pieces with an atmosphere filled with intensity, peril or panic: all of the things that can give this film a dramatic affect. Like the first FF film, FF2's suffers from a limited imagination, and I honestly think that Tim Story lacks the vision that it takes to handle such material that's supposed to be filled with thrills, excitement, darkness, drama, and for the faithfulness to the FF camp—light-hearted "fun". The "over-hyped" nuptials of Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman turned out to be a disappointing subplot, due to the fact that it's just a set-up for the Surfer to have his first encounter with the heroes by intruding on the ceremony. Though I was hoping they could get it over with—since it has taken up most of the film's time; they have been yapping about it throughout the entire film. But thank god Stan Lee came to make his usual cameo appearance. Was it light-hearted? Yes. Seeing as how there's a goofy dance number with Reed Richards, and the typical slapstick moments—which one scene includes Sue's body helplessly rendered in flames because of Johnny's molecules being unstable after his encounter with the Surfer, causing him to switch powers with anyone he touches. Was it funny? Nope. Chris Evans (Human Torch/Johnny Storm) is typically "comedic relief" with all the dull-witted jokes he can carry, but tries to make it work with decent delivery. Michael Chiklis (Ben Grimm/The Thing) isn't given much to do here but stand behind and be the goofball.

The attempt at tenderness between Sue Storm/Invisible and Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic is unrealistic, with both the film's hackneyed script and the lack of chemistry between Jessica Alba and Ioan Gruffudd. Whenever these folks are supposed to kiss and show affection, it seems rather forced then natural. Alba (now looking like Lil' Kim with her blonde-hooker wig and scary-looking blue contact lenses), is just cold and uninteresting for me to stomach. It seems that she is always in this emotionless state. It's like she's this walking mannequin: she does nothing, but stand around, look hot, and wear tight-fitting outfits—while wearing eye-glasses to give off the effect that she has some sort of intellect—without the intellectual babble (doh!). The script does nothing to help her express her words, but she doesn't have the altitude to express emotion either. Gruffudd seems to always be in this state of lost. It's quite difficult to understand why such an amazingly gifted actor can be so boring in this film. Were any of the heroes fantastic this time? Not a chance. The Fantastic Four are treated are bland super-dummies, while their nemesis, the Silver Surfer, upstages all them in terms of awesomeness and coolness. Too bad this isn't his movie. The Silver Surfer rocked, no doubt about it, and brought to life by amazing special effects, he's even more fantastic then the four who carry the moniker. Do we really need Julian McMahon returning as Dr. Doom? People have truly underestimated him in the first film, but here, he doesn't provide much for the story, while the idea of the big bad-ass Galactus turning into a dust storm doesn't work.

My advice for the next installment……

1.) Let see these guy do more fighting

2.) Let these characters show their full potential when they perform their super-powers.

3.) Never let the next FF baddie cramp the heroes' style

4.) Enough with Doom 5.) And please upgrade on the special effects, they still look cheap—even for a big-budget film.

Of course, this is supposed to be a "light-hearted" family film, and like a Diet Coke it's "Half" the calories (PG folks)—while the hardcore comic-book fans with avoid it like the plaque. They deserve better. And by the title being Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, it's really more about the Silver Surfer. In the good words of wisdom from Flava Flav: "Don't believe the hype."

Batman & Robin (1997)

Wow, what an embarrassment.

[1/10 · 19 November 2006]

I never thought a movie like this would ever be made. But it did. Back in 1997, the Batman series had taken an unexpected turn. Joel Schumacher returns to his second BM film since 1995's Batman Forever. Schumacher infuses as much camp and colorful action-packed set-pieces as possible—while lacking some artistic merit, or character canons that has made Tim Burton's rendition of the original Batman series such a success. This film just seems more like a toy commercial. Who can fill in a "Bat-suit" that's horribly enhanced with nipples? Could anyone imagine which actor today in their right mind would be caught dead wearing this suit-- what is now known as the "Gayest costume" in movie history? Well, gosh darn it folks, this would be the back- then TV "heartthrob" George Clooney of the TV series "ER." Heck, you would've deserve a pat on the shoulder if you were 12 years-old being introduced to your first glimpse of a satire filled with "sexual references" of gay jokes delivered all on screen in this blooper-buster. All in all, let's skip on to the point. I swear to you, you would take this seriously as not an assumption, but the honest truth.

George Clooney is not the best freakin' "Batman" out there; and is probably the worst ever cast in the BM series. I mean, whose idea was it to try to fuse in Clooney's "ER" routine to Bruce Wayne as if the playboy billionaire was induced to six-years of Medical school? I don't recall Mr. Wayne being such a talkative scholar on human diseases. And that wasn't what I expected from him this time. I wanted to see this man whoop some evil doer's' ass, not talk like he spends time in the surgery room. He comes off come off as nerdy, charming, dull and annoying.

Chris O'Donnell is "hot" reprising his role as the hot-headed boy-wonder "Robin." Compared to Johnny Storm / Human Torch of the "Fantastic Four", he's reduced to a annoying childish, hot-headed and stubborn. But with such childishness, Bruce now has to put up with a 20-something child instead of a side-kick to help him fight crime. At least now, Robin's job is to ride around town with "Batman" on a motorcycle and bitch about not having his freedom like a teenage rebel who was told he was grounded. If that was the case, then Alfred should've gotten stuck with the baby-sitting job and start day-care center and ended it from there (rolls her eyes).

Adding a new edition to the dynamic-duo would mean giving the teammate a new female presence. That's when Batgirl comes. The super-heroine was reduced to a blonde chick played by Alicia Silverstone who has no clue on how to work a cat suit. is For one thing, I didn't take her seriously as "Bat-Girl". And the fact that she doesn't display the characteristics that the heroine has nor has the physical features to match. She just comes across as cute and stiff—while adding some bimbo action to the "Dynamic duo"—but that's not like I'm saying Alicia is a "bimbo", but that's how it was written here.

The villains are a Duo of cartoon-ish overblown megalomaniacs. Starting with Arnold "get into the chopper" Schwarzenegger as the "epitome" for what is wrong in casting a villain. As Mr. Freeze, his heavy Austrian accent throws me off a lot, cheesy one-liners makes him seem less menacing roll. But making him the top billed actor of the cast is questionable; considering he's not the "main" character, nor is he the main star.

Uma Thurman deserves a "Razzie" for her role as the plant-loving pseudo-seductress "Poison Ivy," and I wouldn't blame anyone for casting the votes because Uma's acting at times is annoyingly overwrought and overbearing.

Everything and everyone seems to have been reduced from their normal comic-book tone or state. Or as I would put it clearly; is as paper-thin as the pages of the comics. And why not bother to go into the plot? I guess I'm too lazy to. And the fact that there is no distinguished plot to begin with. The writing is nothing but a story crafted with a shoulder shrug. So why bother to take up too much time griping about it and its mind-numbing ness. But hey, at least Joel Schumacher gave the movie some sort of action-packed charisma, the only good thing to invest on it, but not much to be impressed about. Stay away, unless you're just bored and have nothing better to do with your life.

Fantastic Four (I) (2005)

A lackluster and brainless mediocrity

[5/10 · 6 November 2005]

Fantastic Four's debut is a stale and pedestrian introduction to the superhero genre. Unlike Spider-man and X-men, and Batman Begins, it's a standout film due to its light-heartedness. But it is notch below the belt, not because the F4 weren't dark enough, but because they are too minor-league as superheroes. They're just too boring and too self-loathing for folks to care about. A novice-like director like Tim Story is just too one-dimensional for such a project; the film's special effects and the set pieces look cheap (I'm guessing because of the film's budget) instead of mind-blowing and thrilling; while the screenplay is half-baked & clichéd instead of dramatic, comedic or romantic. The movie is meant to establish things just to keep them moving. But there's nothing going on for the 4 once they're zapped by the cosmic storm. Instead of showing off their super- cool powers, ¾ of the film is spent on the 4 characters being bunched up in Reed Richards' pad arguing and moping about how they wan t to be normal, while Reed searches for a cure to what they call their "disease". Jesus, this is a superhero film for crying out loud. This is supposed to be a film about a group of ordinary civilians who get zap by cosmic rays, gain super powers, and fight crime. Whenever you have heroes that suck at their game, at least you want the villain to prove otherwise. But for Dr. Doom, the motive is about blaming people for his stupid mistakes and go off to kill them. Alas, his skin is affected by the rays; turning into metallic metal that conducts electricity.

The notion to cast Jessica Alba as Sue Storm was pretty idiotic. If a chick with the acting chops & good looks as Alba is given a role as a quintessential female who's a Genetic Researcher & M.I.T grad, then you'll probably have trouble letting it all sink in. But I think the writers know this (just a theory); otherwise why cast this woman for a role as a "Genetic Researcher", make her wear eyeglasses and not give her anything intelligent to do or say? Ioan Gruffudd is such a disappointment, and that's because he's the lead. If you thought Alba was the main defender, then you'd better pay attention to Gruffudd's work and you'll see that this guy has some talent. But in sheer irony, he sadly sucks hard in this film; giving the most boring performance ever. Sure, Reed Richards is an absent-minded genius and an introverted sap, but even he has some traits good enough to make him interesting. Chris Evans is fair as Johnny Storm the Human Torch and that's only because Johnny is the only character with personality. Johnny is the only member of the foursome who embraces his newfound gifts; he sort of help keeps the crowd from giving up on these losers. Michael Chiklis is the only redeeming thing going here; given somewhat, a distracting latex suit to don as the Thing. Nothing about Julian McMahon is the essence of "Doom." He's just a handsome face, and there's nothing menacing or villainous about him.

Not that I was expecting realism from a comic-book film, but there's no excuse for any lack of logic. After a colossal car accident on the Brooklyn Bridge, Sue Storm is asked by Reed Richards to go invisible (but her powers aren't allowing her to do the same to her clothes). So she strips down in order for her and her friends to get pass the crowd, but she and the others still had trouble getting pass them. To me, she would've had trouble getting pass the crowd whether she was invisible or not. Maybe this could've helped if she had the power to teleport.

The action scenes (count 2) are sloppy and short—including the final battle between the FF and Dr. Doom. The heroes easily defeat Doom without breaking a sweat? It's like: "Man, Dr. Doom turned into metal all this time just to get his ass kick?" How pathetic.

Fantastic Four is just a mess. It may be good for the kids—since kids can't tell the difference between bad jokes and bad dialogue from good ones, and they'll go for the campy vibe that the film has, though there are some innuendo every now an then. But anyone old enough to buy alcohol, or have an I.Q higher then their waist measurements might avoid this film at all cost.