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Reviews
The Black Hole (1979)
spectacular failure
I saw this new in the theater when I was a little kid, and revisited it last night with my wife.
She still isn't speaking to me, and has taken control of the Netflix queue for the foreseeable future. Her last words to me were to the effect that I have lost any right to criticize her cinematic selections, for eternity.
I think that's a reasonable response on her part, actually.
I suggest a new, improved tagline: "There is a force in the universe that sucks harder than anything else known to man... It is The Black Hole!!! (the movie, that is!)"
(spoilers follow)
Okay, first the good: In its time, it was found to be visually impressive. It definitely hasn't held up like 2001, Star Wars, or even the first Star Trek movie, though. I do remember being pretty overwhelmed as a tyke watching this, back in the day. The end is still vertigo-inducing, looking suspiciously like a ride at Disneyland. Did they plan to build a spin off (very literally, in this case) ride based on the anticipated success of this film? "I know! Let's have their seats all spin around inside the spaceship when they enter the hole!" Why the hell the seats in a spaceship would be designed to spin madly is never addressed...
Sorry, more good: Maximilian is a badass looking robot. I am suddenly seized with a desire for a good model of him, because he is the very archetype of droid evil. His immobility just adds to the menace.
The opening and closing credits score (not the lame "overture") is pretty creepy cool, too.
On to the bad: The rest of the film. Script, acting, direction, plot, dialogue... By any reasonable measure of a movie's worth, this is a total failure. There are so many ridiculous, embarrassing moments, that this is a great choice for those compulsive smartasses who enjoy mocking a movie nonstop, MST 3000 style.
Nothing in this movie makes any sense. The "science" of this fiction is beyond wrong, the design of the spaceships is absurd, (gigantic formal dining room with huge crystal chandelier wtf?) the characters have no motivation, and the ending... Ouch.
Most of the dialogue is risible, and all of it is delivered woodenly at best. "The gravity is at maximum!" Uhh, what?
The ugly: There are two disturbing eviscerations in this film, which somehow takes it from a silly space opera for children into more serious territory. They should have kept it light and g-rated, or made a film worthy of adults.
My disbelief failed to suspend in the face of such a ham-fisted production. Why would anybody design an enormous empty gallery through the middle of a spaceship? Oh, right, so a giant flaming meteor could roll through it later in the film, gotcha. Why is the meteor flaming and red hot? Because it's in proximity to a black hole, silly! And everybody knows that the most powerful force in the universe is... Gravity! Uh, no, actually; gravity is the weakest force known. Those of you at home can play "Spot the Glaring Errors"!
Worst of all is the ending. Oh, the awfulness! On the "other side" of a black hole (which is portrayed here as a whirlpool in a tub in a gravity well, oddly enough) is... A Judeo-Christian morality play! Surprise, surprise. But nominative determinism wins the day, with Maximilian Schell ending up in Maximilian's shell, in hell. Choose your child's name carefully, folks!
If you're a film effects historian, you should probably see this film, as it was a landmark and the last big Disney studio-system effects extravaganza. The results obtained may explain why they changed the system, actually...
If you want to prove your worth and brilliance by ridiculing a silly, terminally confused movie, you have found your victim. Beer, popcorn, irony!
If you are looking for a trip down nostalgia lane like I was, jump on board! Maybe without the wife, though.
But if you are looking for a film that is satisfying as a film, burn your main engines at full power to escape the lethal suck of... The Black Hole!
The Iron Giant (1999)
Great visuals wrapped around a horrendous infantile morality play
This movie is beautiful, and full of neat details. Visually, I'd give it at least an 8. There's lots to love technically, the sound is great, the characters really work, and there are a lot of laughs.
Unfortunately, the story is wretched at best, and actively evil at worst. The message is hypocritical in the extreme. Where Spiderman told us (rightly) that "with great power comes great responsibility" this excuse for a moral tale says that with great power comes nothing but danger, and suicide is probably the best course of action. All violence is bad, and we can all choose what we want to be; even giant killer robots can be transformed into giant pu$$ies by the miracle of a small boy's love and friendship. Barf.
As a moral tale, this is hypocritical and irresponsible garbage at best. The boy solemnly lectures the robot about death, saying "guns kill" as if that's a bad thing. They mourn the death of a deer at the hands of evil hunters. But the boy is not a vegan, nor is his mother. So killing is okay as long as someone else does it, at a distance. That's amoral hypocrisy, nothing more.
It gets worse- obviously the Iron Giant is a symbol, and he is the hero of the story, because he is the only character who changes. What is he a symbol for? Well, for Man's "destructive" and "flawed" nature. But the Iron Giant is obviously and explicitly a creation of something- he's a built artifact. So this implies a Creator metaphor; we're talking about God as Creator here. But God in this story is flawed, defective: He built a good, tender, sensitive creature and made the mistake of encasing that gentle soul in the form of a weapon. Or, He built a weapon and made the mistake of giving it a tender heart. Either way, God is flawed. Worse, the giant killer robot can't even distinguish a toy from a real threat, and thus self-defense is portrayed as unacceptably dangerous. And the only way to remedy this flaw is for the unfortunate creature to "nobly" sacrifice himself rather than taking responsibility and using his tremendous power for good.
The message is therefore ultimately Satanic: God is bad, and you're better off dead. When good people (and robots?) refuse to take their power, bad people take it by default. After all, a key component of evil is the lust for power over others. When evil has convinced everyone that the only acceptable method of resistance is pacifism, disempowerment, surrender, and suicide, then evil has truly won.
Have we really fallen so far that we no longer know how to fight the good fight? Do we really think that all violence is "bad"? Have thousands of years of culture, morality, and civilization really been swept away by a few decades of propaganda? The fact that this artful piece of toxic amorality has gotten so much acceptance suggests that much has been lost.
The film is worth seeing as a pretty film, but I'd recommend sitting down afterward and discussing the values and lessons here with your family, in a critical way. I sure as hell wouldn't plunk my kid down in front of this with no discussion, because it's a powerful piece of propaganda that needs deconstruction. Or just destruction.
Marie Antoinette (2006)
Self indulgently inept to the point of self parody
One of the worst movies of all time. What the hell was Coppola thinking? Her artistic license should be suspended, if not revoked...
So about the film- It's a disaster. From the black credits which metaphorically convey the total absence of virtue to be found in this turkey to the anticlimactic ending (Spoiler: we don't get to see Marie Antoinette put to death, which by the first hour was all I had to look forward to) this thing reeks. Hmm... A period piece in which the sets and costumes look sort of versailles-ish, (including Versailles itself) but the mannerisms, plot, and dialogue (not to mention the atrocious mix of bizarre accents) all seem strangely disjointed in time, space... and meaning. Hmm. There's a sort of New Wave soundtrack and title fonts, apropos of nothing. Hmm. Manolo Blahnik shoes. Hmm. And for all you reviewers who said this film is "beautiful"- You probably think that a cheap grocery store wedding cake is delicious, too. This film is the visual equivalent of that cheap, overly-frosted and -decorated cake: yes, there are plenty of sugary pastel details, but that doesn't make for quality, in film or pastry.
And the performances- Dunst is alright until she moves or, worse yet, speaks. Her finest work is clearly in the tent towards the beginning of the film, during her transition from Austria to France... She does convey the idea that Antoinette was vapid, and if that's what she was shooting for, she succeeds. Schwartzman looks anesthetized through the whole thing, mumbling his few lines with a stunned flatness befitting the dullness of the overall piece, but doing nothing to immerse the viewer in whatever the film was supposed to be about. What's the opposite of chemistry? That's what Dunst and Schwartzman have on screen together. Rip Torn adds a bit of leering lechery, but can't do much to help this floundering flick. The sparkling brilliance and danger of the real Versailles is absent entirely, along with any other vestige of historical reality, intelligence or wit.
This movie might have been interesting if it had been more of a serious period piece or if it had been a surrealistic punk rock romp through an alternate universe of Versailles as dreamed by a dumb, spoiled little American girl, which Coppola, Dunst, et al, might actually have been able to pull off. Instead, it's an awkward, deadly dull and bloated exercise in pure pointless self indulgence in a way that even Versailles itself never was. It simply doesn't work at all.
Technically, it's crap, from the awful cinematography to the wretched editing (many obvious and glaring errors- boom mikes, continuity, etc) all driven by the seeming absence of a script or anything to move the plot (such as it is) along. The awful fake "sunset"- what _was_ up with that? All the scenes seem to take four times longer than they need to, which makes it all the more painful.
This film takes an interesting historical character who lived at an amazingly dynamic time in history, and manages to render person, place, and time deadly dull. It was shot at Versailles, yet plays on screen as flat and claustrophobic rather than opulent and expansive. Politically, we are asked to identify with the symbol of a failed, corrupt monarchy, basically because she's cute and nonthreatening.
Which brings up the one interesting point about this shipwreck: Perhaps in its flatulent excess, this "film" somehow heralds a coming artistic revolution. After this, perhaps the peasants will storm the gates of the major studios, screaming for real creative bread. Or maybe we'll all just post on YouTube and quit wasting our money on studio garbage like this. Perhaps Sophia Coppola, and Kirsten Dunst along with her, will become the new Maries Antoinette of a new revolution in film and in art. Vive la revolution!
Transporter 2 (2005)
Suck Central
Could this film possibly suck any harder? Yes, but not by much. Action? It's lame at best. Plot? Thoroughly nonexistent. Suspense? Good luck. Twists? Fuhgeddaboudit. In short, this film is best left unseen, and if seen, best forgotten as quickly as practicable. If you're a moron, enjoy. If not, do yourself a favor and avoid this absurd turkey. Anyone with a shred of sensitivity, tactical knowledge, basic common sense, or cinematic theory will spend their next week or two attempting to purge the taint of this awful piece of crap from their mental alimentary canal. There's basically no excuse whatsoever for wasting your time on this dreck when there are so many other worthwhile movies out there. Watch "Ronin" if you're into car chases, and see "Legend" and/or "Hero" for martial arts. Avoid! Avoid! Spoiler: This film would love to suck the sweat off a dead man's balls, but never rises to that level.
Septem8er Tapes (2004)
steaming turkey dung
This is perhaps the most wretched piece of garbage I have ever seen, bar none. If you thought after the first five minutes that this was a genuine documentary, you are an idiot, period. I couldn't care less what dangers, inconveniences, annoyances, and heroic gyrations the crew went through to produce this stinker; actually, I wish they had been shot as they so richly deserved. Perhaps if some Afghani had collected the bounties on their lobotomized heads some good would have been done for the long-suffering country of Afghanistan rather than inflicting this miserable excuse for a film on the rest of us. The writing and acting are physically painful, and I had to stop watching after 30 minutes because the discomfort level became unendurable, so I am offering only a limited perspective, but trust me, you won't want any more of a look at this crapfest than I had. My girlfriend, who is normally tolerant of even very bad films, walked away in disgust after ten minutes. Truly, if there were a lower rating than "1" I would give it. Avoid at all costs!
Dogville (2003)
Overrated, painful, yet not totally without virtue. Good ending, at least.
This movie is way too long, cramped, visually unexciting, brutal, disgusting, and has some awful dialog. The filmed-play thing gets old real fast, and then you're stuck with it. The Dogme shaky-cam and lunging zoom is a very weird juxtaposition with the artificial set, and is eerily reminiscent of a bad videotaping of an amateur play. The dialog frequently sucks. Nicole Kidman stumbles through the entire movie in a drugged stupor, only apparently reviving somewhat ten minutes from the end. The whole plot, such as it is, is flatly unbelievable, as are the characters. Perhaps the single worst element is the wretched, bombastic voice-over. Why, in the name of all that is holy, is this movie presided over by a smirking English accent? I like experimental movies, I sometimes like Lars, I sometimes like Dogme 95, and I frequently enjoy cruelty, sadism and violence, but this film was just really difficult to watch. At almost three hours, it seemed a deliberate assault on every normal concept of pacing. All in all, a sadistic experience to inflict on moviegoers.
But. The brief dialog at the end, along with the climactic conclusion, somehow made it almost worth it. I guess Lars felt that we needed to be physically uncomfortable and angry to really appreciate the genius that is Lars. Insufferably arrogant, indeed, like all of the main characters in the movie. I screamed "about f$%*ing time!" when the chapter 9 notice came on informing me that the movie was almost over (watching DVD at home, of course) but the ending was pretty satisfying, all in all.
I could get into a metaphorical exposition of the ending, but I'll leave that to the adventurous viewer who actually dedicates three hours of his or her life to sitting through this thing. Suffice it to say that I found Messianic overtones.
I can't say I'd recommend it, but it might be worth watching with some artsy friends in search of conversational fodder. If you're looking for something out of the ordinary, and you have a deeply masochistic streak, you might even enjoy this overblown, overrated morality play. If not, there's a peppy song and soulful photo montage at the end, perhaps inserted there at the behest of the executives, in order to keep angry patrons from torching the theater in tribute upon exiting.
The Devil's Rejects (2005)
Badass brutal roller-coaster ride with surprising subtlety
I had no idea what to expect from this film, but the poster looked good. Man, was I in for a treat! This film rocked like few others ever have. Brutal, sick, twisted, ultra-violent, sadistic, and transgressive don't cover it. It manages to pull off a really dark and intense emotional tone while being truly funny in spots. The cinematography is masterful, putting the viewer in this gritty '70's Texas world of inbred psychopaths and over-the-top cops perfectly. Everything works so well- the props, costumes, set design, camera-work... You forget you're watching a movie.
The heinous nature of the family's crimes keeps a wall between them and the viewer. You don't _really_ want to identify with mass murderers, do you? But the characters are so full of charisma that you do want to. That's my one minor complaint about this movie. I don't think that real-life mass-murdering psychopaths would be this much fun, actually. But that's the only criticism I could come up with, and that was way after the fact. Watching the movie, I was just having sick, uncomfortable fun.
The soundtrack is great. For a movie that's total Satanic death-metal in character to be powered by southern rock is classic. Play Freebird, man! And somehow it works. The casting is brilliant, the writing is great, everything in this film just works so well. Rob Zombie is the man!
I don't know what this film is exactly, as it's way deeper and more character-driven than a horror film. It's not an exploitation film, exactly. It's something uniquely American, I think- a total antihero piece with no good guys in sight. The only good guys in the whole movie are pathetic, and get carved up in various ways pretty quickly. Message? I don't know, maybe the message is that the world ain't a real nice place, but there's no morality play here. Everybody just is what they are, battling for blood-spattered survival. Ultimately, for me at least, the film was provoking emotionally and intellectually, but first and foremost, it's one hell of a wild ride. Must see if you are at all a fan of violence and insanity in your movies.
Coffee and Cigarettes (2003)
Garbage, with some minor saving graces
This self-obsessed Hollywood piece of crap is barely worth seeing. If you're a shallow, worthless Hollywood cult worshiper, you may find this lousy piece of cinematic trash worthy viewing because you hear the name of someone who knows somebody who knows someone who once may have heard of you mentioned. If you're not totally irredeemable, you'll avoid this worthless waste of celluloid like the plague. Jim Jarmusch has made decent, worthy films before (Dead Man especially) but this ain't one of em. Sad to say, I laughed at the cheaper shots in this film. Doesn't mean the film's worthwhile. Avoid. Avoid. There's a reason that RZA, GZA, Tom Waits, and Iggy Pop aren't movie stars. Seems like Jim called everybody he knew and said, please help me make a movie on your names, cause I can't make it on my talent. Lame, failure, pathetic... You'll have more fun becoming intimate with a vinyl doll, all things considered. ~spoiler~ There is no plot whatsoever in this flaccid piece of gutter streamer.
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Excellent, visual, politically flawed but cinematically rewarding
Worth seeing. Some historical, factual, religious and political glitches, which you'll be able to spot for yourself if you're qualified, but overall a great film with a solid message. More than competent and rewarding, all things considered. Orlando Bloom seems to bring hopeless sieges with him wherever he goes so far, but that's probably not his fault. Great score, great casting, great cinematography... Who could ask for more out of a film of this genre? Less eurocentrism? Well, maybe, but the film already goes out of its way to present the "other" as human, too. I would give it a ten if it portrayed tenth-century filth and ignorance a bit more brutally honestly. Everyone seems to be such principled knights, etc. Anyway, set willing suspension of disbelief filters to a 7 or less, sit back, and enjoy!
Man on Fire (2004)
Moving, human, dark, and poignant
It's hard to top this movie in several ways. Everything works really well here; the casting, acting, script, and cinematography are all first-rate. For the moviegoer, it's a moving, violent story of love and human redemption. For the film critic, there's plenty of sharp technique and technical merit. There are some tactical blunders, and as has been discussed on the boards, the ending lacks realism if one is rigorously formal with the CIA agent training angle. However, I took the ending as being more moving due to the fact that rather than pursue the CIA agent's pragmatic approach, Creasy basically commends his soul to the Ultimate without considering the consequences. Like Jesus Himself, Creasy becomes superhuman through his sacrifice, whether it actually makes pragmatic sense or not. In any case, I appreciated the fact that Creasy dispenses with conventional bourgeois morality and just caps the bad guys one by one in his methodical quest for justice, which actually results in redemption both for himself and the innocent.
In any case, this film is very much worth watching if you're at all attracted to the genre. An excellent soundtrack, great writing, flawless casting, and solid performances across the board make this a top-100 (or better) film.
Unleashed (2005)
Profoundly retarded, with a minor in a$$whippin'
This movie is an uneasy combination of mismatched talent, wonky writing, bad casting, and Jet Li's signature whoopa$$. The soundtrack is nice on its own, but doesn't really work with the movie all that well. Morgan Freeman's part is ludicrously kind, wise, and cliché-ridden, to the point that he can't open his mouth without delivering a moronic homily. His last line is amusing, though, which is the one semi-funny moment in this rather lame film.
The plot just doesn't work at all, violating all basic precepts of human psychology, stretching suspension of disbelief beyond the breaking point. Jet Li's character is mentally/emotionally retarded, but suddenly at 45 years old snaps out of his stupor after a few kind words from the avuncular Freeman, and decides that rather than being a cold blooded killer doggy, he'd rather be a principled pacifist...until they force him to fight back. Yawn. The bad guy is a total caricature, and we're supposed to believe that it's somehow better not to just cap his villainous self. Um, no. Some people need shooting, actually. The girl looks 35, is supposed to be 18, and acts 8. The plot is beyond predictable, with no attempt at originality whatsoever. Basically, this movie sucks as a movie, and is worth watching only if you are so desperate for Jet Li's fighting skills that you're willing to sit through the egregious sappiness of the absurd "plot and character development" filler, which sadly occupies way too much of this film. I can't figure out why the "unrated version" is allegedly racy, either. There's lots of violence, but it's cartoonish, and there's one sliver of a naked chick visible in one scene, along with a couple pairs of naked boobies elsewhere.
All in all, you could do much better, unless you have already seen every other Jet Li movie in existence and you just must see them all. Some of the fighting is fun, at least, although there's nothing new here, and even the combat seems somewhat perfunctory.
Gummo (1997)
Disgusting, compelling, exploitive, relevant
_Gummo_ is blatantly exploitive of its subjects, disgusting, and physically repulsive. It also lacks anything resembling a plot or structure. Therefore, it's great art. Anything with this much emotional power must be socially relevant, as well.
Not necessarily, but everyone should see this film, if only to feel less heartbroken the next time they read about a tornado taking out some trailer park. The imagery in this movie is deeply disturbing, to say the least. Tell all your foreign friends that if they really want to understand America, they should watch this film.
Like a satanic version of the old "Peanuts" comic strip, _Gummo_ is a world largely devoid of adults, wherein the kids, most of whom apparently suffer from one or more chromosomal irregularities, developmental disabilities, or just plain old inbreeding, run wild in the streets- huffing glue, executing cats, and succumbing to various perversions. The filth and obscenity of this film are nearly transcendent, as the juxtaposition of the radiant beauty (and ugliness) of some of the actors with their wasteland surroundings, and the resulting fall from innocence into existential damnation, etc, becomes heartbreaking.
One of the most interesting features of this film is the director's commentary during the slideshow. If nothing in the film itself actually made you want to vomit, listening to the director's fatuous, smug, whiny and obviously untrue descriptions of his "filmmaking" "technique" will, guaranteed. When asked about casting, he claims that he cast the whole movie in 45 minutes, and mentions four locations where he supposedly procured his "talent". Uh, okay... Maybe he was huffing too much glue to remember what really happened... Doing his best to make sure that his generation goes down in history as the very worst ever, anywhere, the perfectly misnamed "Harmony" peoples his movie with misshapen, diseased caricatures of people, claiming that he sees the beauty in each. BS. He's going for the cheap shot at each and every opportunity, in a race to the bottom. (_Ken Park_, his latest travesty, achieves that standard, being basically homicidal kiddie porn.) This film will surely prompt many people to take another look at birth control, euthanasia and depopulation. I was rooting for the tornado by the end.
In short, one of the best films I've seen in quite a while. Don't miss it!
2009 loseuteu maemorijeu (2002)
Moronic, overlong, devoid of virtue
This wretched piece of crap is among the worst movies I have ever seen. Almost utterly lacking in action, other than tactically inaccurate scenes of automatic gunfire. After an hour and a half of slow, agonizing, pointless plot wandering, the big secret is revealed: Gasp, the future's been altered by time travel! But you knew that already. "Formulaic" and "cliched" are compliments this stinker doesn't deserve. Every time there's a threat of someone moving quickly, the film goes to super slo-mo, in a sadistic prolongation of our viewing agony. Also, every time there's any sound whatsoever, some limiter or something kicks in, rendering the sound unlistenable. Whatever you do, avoid this movie. You'd be better off staring at your television for over two hours without turning it on. Or beating your head against a wall. Or...