john-lancia-1 Reviews

Beacon 23: Song of Sorrow (2024) Season 2, Episode 5

Worst Episode Yet...

[1/10 · 5 May 2024]

Thinkabout how bad an episode of this usually well done show could get and then get ready for it to be much much worse than that.

Poorly written, poorly directed, extremely poorly acted by the hacks playing the S'barrans. My biggest challenge while watching this episode was whether to cringe or roll my eyes. Chanting, talking in unison, just bad bad acting, writing and directing.

I'm assuming that someone involved with the writing was owed a favour by the show runner or something like that. And then, seeing as the script was sub-par, they brought on a sub-par director. I could be wrong, but once you watch it, you'll be wondering that too.

I'm really hoping that this is a one off and that the rest of the show will pick up its game.

Rebel Moon - Part Two: The Scargiver (2024)

Snyder will hopefully be directing straight to video soon...

[1/10 · 20 April 2024]

This movie is so bad, in so many different ways, I'm not sure where to start.

The bad guys want grain. M'kay. They're going to murder people. Travel across the stars. Expend countless amounts of ordinance, soldiers, equipment. The big boss is going to kill the lesser boss if he doesn't get it. All for a couple hundred sacks full of grain...

This movie has no idea where it takes place, when it takes place, nothing. One minute they're traveling through space, the next they're dressed like dirt farmers from the 1930's, havesting grain of course. BY HAND! You know, the way people with space ships are want to do. No wait, now they're dressed like hunter gatherers. Oops, back to wearing space suits.

Let's not pass over the fact that the great auteur, snyder, decided that its not enough to say that they've only got a little time to harvest this galaxy shattering grain, but we have to actually spend ten minutes (plus) watching them actually doing it. I mean, I thought this would be the most tedious thing about this movie, but then we had to get into all the interpersonal relationship nonsense as well. Just about every single major character got between five and ten minutes (seemed like a lot more) of talking about their extremely boring and tiresome past.

I don't know what's going on. Either snyder is just that bad or he's trying to get out of a contract with Netflix by producing one of the most expensive bombs, with no redeeming qualities that could ever be concieved. I was actually shouting at my television while trying to watch this.

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)

Better than the last two, but still too many kids.

[5/10 · 30 March 2024]

This movie has possibilities. Story was okay, Directing was okay. Production values are through the roof, but what big studio movie isn't nowadays. Like THAT will save a bad movie?

My problem is with all the kids involved. Its ridiculous. Nobody brings a 13 year old child on dangerous outings, and they only bring a stupid 18 year old boy if they absolutely have too.

No, the original Ghostbuster movies had adults in all the main roles and everyone loved that. Just because I happened to be a kid at the time didn't mean that I wanted to watch other kids. I wanted to watch adults doing awesome things. It was aspirational. I don't go to movies to see myself, I go to them to lose myself in fantasy.

Anyway, normally I would give a mediocre by likeable movie like this a 7, but the kids dragged that number down.

Stop casting movies by commitee or by demographics. Start casting them like you're trying to create a perfect work of art.

Nightmare Radio: The Night Stalker (2023)

The Movie So Good It Needed Three Directors!!!!

[1/10 · 30 March 2024]

At what point in the movie making process to you just give up and call it a day? Never if you're making this movie apparently. Three directors?! I'd have loved to be on the set for that mess of a decision. Give three directors the job, either one after the other or, all at the same time?! What could go wrong, right?

This movie could. Unless all three of them are blind and deaf, I have no idea how they managed to make a completely incomprehensible film like this one. Don't even get me started about the acting skills of the players either. They didn't do much better.

This is probably one of the worst films of the year. Maybe even more than that.

Masters of the Air (2024)

So, So. Too Much CGI

[5/10 · 11 March 2024]

If you were expecting Band of Brothers in the air, this is not it.

This is a so so acted, so so written, so so directed bit of fluff that doesn't care too much for historical accuracy when it comes to any ally that isn't from the USA.

What really drags it down for me though is all the CGI. Its well done, but its still CGI and it seems to suck the soul out of any movie that its over used in. And man, is it over used in this one.

Much like Lucas got lazy with CGI in his Star Wars pre-quels, Spielberg has likewise become lazy with it in this series. Its too much and its too obvious. You can only cover up so much computer generated mediocrity with golden sunsets.

Argylle (2024)

Have you ever been tricked into going to a movie?

[1/10 · 6 March 2024]

I went to this on the fly with friends. We saw a movie that was clearly about Henry Cavill and his sidekick John Cena doing spy stuff. Fun right?

Wrong. Those two guys are in the movie for about maybe 20 minutes in total. The rest of the time, we slowly get to find out that the movie is about a heavy set, middle aged, cat lady author who's really a secret agent. With amnesia of course. Because that's what lazy writers do when they can't think of anything good for their characters to say or do.

This movie is an absolute disappointment. The story is idiotic. The acting is mediocre. The CGI is laughable, like putting lipstick on a pig. Sorry, but the 90's have come and gone and the viewing public expects some effort in the CGI department.

The one thing that kept occuring to me while watching this steaming pile of crap was how thirsty the director is to get a crack at making an actual Bond movie. Its sad and in few instances a bit pathetic.

My friends and I felt a bit violated when we left the theater. We wont be going to see anymore of this directors movies.

The Second Best Hospital in the Galaxy (2024– )

Poorly Executed, Zero Effort

[1/10 · 28 February 2024]

Normally, I find that animated series usually go one of two way. Either they put a lot of effort into the animation and skimp on the story and character development. Or, they put a lot of effort into story and character development and skimp on the animation.

This series has done neither. Really bad animation that looks like it got rushed out of low tier Korean animation studios. And lame stories that do a better job of trying to be funny than actually being funny.

Zero character development. I'm just suddenly watching these guys in the first episode and there has been nothing to introduce any of them to us.

Flat voices from the actors, there were a couple of them that I couldn't even hear properly when I turned the volume up a bit. None of the voices popped. Just people talking.

And when you get right down to it, pretty much most of the ideas have just been lifted from Rick and Morty.

Nothing to see here, keep moving along.

Halo (2022– )

Really enjoyinyg this show except to the mouthy teenager

[8/10 · 25 February 2024]

I like this show a lot. Pablo Schrieber being one of my favourite actors right now.

This show does not follow cannon exactly, so don't even worry about it. People have to understand that shows and movies based on other IP are interpretations created by artists. Not by robots following their code exactly.

What takes this show down a couple of notches for me is the character of Kwan Ha. I've got enough mouthy, tempermental teenagers in my life. I don't need to watch one on TV as well. She's mouthy, stupid and can't control her temper. A completely unlikable and unsympathetic character that feels like a chore to watch.

I just wish the writers would let her go off to fight the UNSC alone like she keeps babbling about and let her get killed.

Besides that, the rest of the show is right up there. I want more Master Chief, I don't care if he takes his helmet off too much. Its just lets us all see Pablo's magnificent nose. The show has high production values and is solidly put together.

Get rid of Kwan Ha and I'll bump the rating up a couple of notches.

Madame Web (2024)

Nepo Babies and Side Characters

[1/10 · 17 February 2024]

I'm done with watching the kind of good looking, kind of talented children or good looking and talented people getting careers handed to them just because of who their parents are.

Sure, some of them turn out to be actually talented and worthy of the career that some people strive their entire lives for and never achieve. But for the most part, it just means a lot of half assed movies with half assed performances from people who's last names I recognize.

If Hollywood keeps this up, they should get used to diminishing returns on their big budget blockbusters.

As for movies, especially super hero movies revolving around characters who took up a couple of panels in a couple of obsure comic books. I was never into it. I don't want to watch a bunch of people who did something before Peter Parker was born, I want to watch Peter Parker be Spiderman. I don't want to watch movies revolving around villains that portray them as heros. I want to watch them be bad guys. Bad guys fighting the actual super hero. Not some person in a bad costume with no back story doing something that Peter Parker should be travelling through time to do.

Get your act together Hollywood.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2024– )

Not a bad show

[7/10 · 3 February 2024]

Its an okay show. I see a lot of people complaining about the pacing, but that's their own preconceptions getting in the way of their experience.

There is some spy/assassination stuff, but a lot of the show concentrates on their relationship. Which is not a terrible thing in and of itself. Its just not like the movie really.

I think maybe the creators got the wrong idea of why people liked the movie, for the relationship stuff. But no, the movie was mostly for the action. This show is not. Its mostly about the people.

I think Donald Glover should win some sort of acting award for his attraction to maya erskine. I'm really not sure what the appeal is for her. I find her acting flat, and not much star appeal at all. I'm guessing she's another one of those nepo-babies that keep popping up. I think they could have found a better actor for her part. Donald Glover is spot on as always though.

Lift (I) (2024)

Netflix just can't do it

[3/10 · 13 January 2024]

All that money, all that talent, all that distribution. The only thing Netflix's movie making adventure lack is heart.

Like most of their other offerings, this apparent movie lacks soul, spirit, whatever you want to call it. Its not there.

They spent a fortune on the talent and the production values, but apparently they don't care much about the actual script.

F. Gary Gray has clearly decided that he'd rather have a paycheque than make a good movie. This stinker continues along the same lines as everything else that he's made since the Italian Job.

Seriously, this movie is so bad I wanted to call up Netflix customer service and ask for my subscription fee back. Oh wait, they don't have any customer service.

Bad movie. Not even suitable for when you're stoned.

The Diplomat (II) (2023– )

Love this series, but there's something else I'd like better

[8/10 · 29 December 2023]

Solid series. Great Acting, Great Directing, Great Writing. You name it, this series has it.

But there's something that I'd rather be watching. That would be the Hal Wyler based series.

As much as I enjoy watching his nervous wreck of a wife brow beating and screeching at him for trying to help, Or for having the temerity to try to advance his own career instead of focusing exclusively on hers. I'd much rather watch him handle foreign diplomats and laying traps for dignitaries of every stripe.

Rufus Sewel is easily better than anyone else in this series and he really should be given his own showcase. His acting chops are impecable.

The rest of the cast is great too. I really do have a hard time understanding why his wife hates him so much. I personally have a man crush on him. Like everyone else he bumps into.

Infinity Pool (2023)

J.G. Ballard

[6/10 · 24 November 2023]

Not even a special thanks too, or any kind of credit for the man who created this entire genre. J. G. Ballard.

If you want to read a couple of books that are pretty much the same as this movie, but written much more eloquently, try picking up Super-Cannes or Cocaine Nights, which are the two Ballard stories that this movie has been shamelessly lifted from.

I wouldn't have minded so much, except that no credit is given to Ballard at all. Despite it clearly being his material that the movie was based on.

Its an okay movie, in and of itself. Love Alexander Skarsgard. But I think Brandon Cronenberg is being a bit disingenuous by not mentioning where he got the idea from.

The Flash (I) (2023)

Its Hard to Believe They Can Take so Long to Make a Movie so Bad

[1/10 · 30 July 2023]

This movie is a disjointed pile of garbage. The positive reviews are clearly from paid schills working for the movie studio, or hopeless fanboys who can't see what's right in front of them.

Ezra Miller sucks. That's the only way to explain it. Over acting, chewing up the scenery, I was not able to believe his performance and I usually suspend my disbelief pretty well for these super hero movies.

Most of the 'cameos' are just pictures of actors floating by in the time travelling sequences.

The dialogue has been infected with that lousy josh whedon-esque rapid fire delivery from a bunch of unknown actors. Hard to follow and it flattens everyones performance into one run on sentence.

The one light in this movies is Michael Keaton's performance. He's always a gem and I'm glad he was there because IMDB's rating system forces me to give at least one star.

For this mess I'd like to be able to go into negative stars.

I pray that James Gunn saves my beloved DC superhero's from the mediocrity that they've currently been dumped into.

Trafficked with Mariana Van Zeller (2020– )

Investigative Journalism Theater

[2/10 · 3 February 2023]

While this could be an intersting series, its ruined by Mariana Van Zeller's penchant for self promotion. Most of the time it seems that I'm watching reaction shots of her being shocked or disgusted or concerned. If not that, then she's rambling on about her contacts in the sinaloa cartel, or white slavers or phone scammers or whatever (as if).

The actual coverage is very lightweight. When she should be showing us the details of whats going on, we instead have to watch interviews of people who pretty much admit to doing these things but don't give any details. For all I know, these people who are always masked up might be actors from the local theater company.

And don't even get me started on her terrible narration. Its too bad because if it was handled a little more seriously, it could have been a really good series. But what are you going to do? Fox bought National Geographic.

Halloween Kills (2021)

This guy is taking John Carpenters place?!

[1/10 · 20 January 2023]

This guy, I wont even say his name, has got to be one of the worst directors that I've ever had the misfortune of watch put a movie together.

Terrible story, terrible acting, terrible cinematography, and absolutely terrible direction. I cannot believe how they're butchering this franchise.

Its mostly people talking about how bad Mike Myers was. You barely see him, there is zero tension when you do and man, its just so bad. I was shocked.

The acting is like what you'd find in a not so great hallmark movie. Jamie Lee Curtis spends most of the middle of the movie unconscious in a hospital bed. Collecting a paycheque.

The entire town knows that Myers is killing people all over town, but for some reason, none of them go home and lock the doors. They all run around town by themselves and walking into dark rooms constantly.

Just really bad movie making all around.

Amsterdam (2022)

An Excellent History Lesson.

[10/10 · 11 November 2022]

Very relevant to whats going on today. Rich people and politicians mysteriously in favour of foreign dictators and autocrats.

Millions in funding flowing into the coffers of politicians from who knows where?! Talking heads on television inexplicably enamoured with putin. What is going on?

This movie shows you what it could be. Foreign money and influence, perhaps kompromat influencing the wealthy. Influencing the people on our televisions. Making us doubt our country, our democracy, our way of life. Re-interpreting our constitution as they see fit to achieve their nefarious ambitions.

Kudo's to Bale, Washington, Rock, Robbie and Saldana. Especially to David O. Russell for being brave enough to use this event, the Business Plot, as a parable for what is happening to us and the rest of the world today.

On the Line (II) (2022)

Mel Gibson Playing Himself

[3/10 · 4 November 2022]

The title pretty much says it all. Mr. Gibson plays an abrasive loudmouth who tramples all over the people around him.

Occasionally, he'll try acting and he plays a gruff radio DJ with a heart of gold.

So so production values, tepid script writing. Mediocre acting from all involved. Just nothing special. You can sit down and watch it, just be prepared to have to let a lot of stuff slide. The premise could have been interesting although its been used before. Its a shame that he went so far off the rails because it taints everything that he's done since.

3 out of 10 for production values and an honest effort.

Grimcutty (2022)

So bad its...

[3/10 · 10 October 2022]

I wish IMDB had a way to rate a movie in more ways than one.

For instance, this movie, as a horror, gets a 3. And that's me being generous.

If however, I could rate it as a comedy, I'd give it a 7.

The way Hollywood producers are going about things nowadays, I'm pretty sure they'd like this option as well. Anything for better reviews, right boys?

Its just a mess full of stereotypes, miscasting, and poor production all around.

I'm glad that the people who worked on it were able to make a living while doing so. At least the cast and crew being able to pay their bills for a few months/weeks are some good that came out of this.

Hellraiser (2022)

Just Like Hellraiser, but with more yelling

[3/10 · 8 October 2022]

Oh Hollywood. You're so adorable, thinking that you can remake movies better than the original.

Lots of beautiful young people in this version, they all yell at each other all the time, too give a sense of drama to everything, because the writers don't know how to do it with just words.

Male characters have been changed to female, because, you know, that's how it goes nowadays.

The demons are not as good as the originals, I think Hollywood may have forgotten how to do the excellent make up from the original. What with its ludicrous reliance on CGI now. Even the puzzle box isn't as good as the original and its all CGI.

The screenplay isn't as good as the original.

Really the only thing that is better than the original are the production values. Better lighting and cinematography. Better sets I guess.

I cannot recommend this movie. You'd be better off just watching the original.

Honor Society (2022)

Soooo bad....

[1/10 · 30 July 2022]

Horrible. Its like it was written by a high school student, which it wasn't. If so, I guess it would have had an excuse if it had been.

So anyway, go do your nails or watch some cartoons. Just about anything would be a better use of your time than watching this.

Resident Evil (2022)

More post-apocalyptic good hair and make-up days!!!!

[1/10 · 17 July 2022]

Perfect hair, perfect make-up, clean clothes and no torn clothes!

How does a girl do it? All while the apocolypse is going on. She's got all her devices charged, she makes long distance video calls home.

Some half-wit with no imagination wrote this and then their lame script somehow made it past all the producers and the director and the actors with nobody ever bothering to say, 'hey, wait a minute, this isn't very realistic...'l Just incredible.

These things just write themselves apparently.

The Flight Attendant (2020– )

You know you're in trouble when they move the series to LA

[3/10 · 24 April 2022]

First season was so good. I really enjoyed it. It was really popular.

Uh oh, Hollywood producers like to keep a thumb on their productions and that's difficult when they aren't in LA. So they move the whole thing to LA. Now, the show looks like all the other shows. Same sunny weather, same 72 degree weather, same streets, same buildings.

To make matters worse, somehow all her friends wind up living in LA too. You know the way people will follow their friend across a continent. They do that right? Weak story telling is used to fill in these plot holes and inconsistencies. Just a really disappointing thing to have happen to such a promising show so early on. At least they let the X-Files stay in Vancouver for a few years before they brought it down to LA to be ruined.

Ambulance (2022)

So bad its...

[1/10 · 23 April 2022]

...just bad. I was laughing my ass off at the movie for roughly the first half. It was just so ridiculous. Then it started taking itself too seriously, characters got killed off or forgotten about. It was just a mess.

You don't think that you'd ever say that Michael bay is losing it, you know, because he never really had it to begin with. But man, it just stopped being funny even to laugh at and I started thinking that Mr. Bay might have a brain tumor or something.

I hope all is well with you Mr. Bay.

Metal Lords (2022)

A Joy to Watch

[10/10 · 12 April 2022]

Took me back to high school, back when rock was king and nobody besides the japanese had to worry about 16 year old girls topping the charts all the time.

I laughed, I got pissed off, I rooted for the underdog, I freaked out when a bunch of rock gods suddenly appeared to give life advice.

Watch out for the kids who star in this movie, you're going to be seeing alot from them in the future. They're metal.