davitalvitch Reviews

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008 Video)

I paid twenty bucks for this?

[2/10 · 12 January 2009]

This is a terrible movie. It just sluggishly plods along, subjecting us to annoying characters, until it reaches its ridiculous end.

The story is insipid and the editing atrocious. (The scene with the Jeep and tree goes on far too long, extinguishing any tension or morbid humour the scene might have had otherwise.) There is an amusing bit, involving a hole in a floor; that scene, with the wonderful stupidity of the characters involved, is the closest the film ever gets to matching the original in terms of gore and humor.

Isaac Hayes seems to be cast only for the joke of being billed as "The Chef," and then disappears after three short scenes. His character serves no other function (unless we needed a black guy to say "motherf*cker" to liven things up a bit.) There is no mystery as to the killer's identity once all of the main characters are established. Alan, who for some unfathomable reason is the film's lead character, is so irritating that his quick death would have perhaps made the film tolerable. However, there he is, in scene after scene, in filthy clothing, telling people that their ass stinks, and then throwing himself pity parties because the other kids don't like him. (Think of Shelly from "Friday the 13th: Part III" but with none of his sympathetic aspects, only the annoying ones, multiplied by ten, and with body odor and a mean streak, and there is your Alan.) (I thought that at least his "your ass stinks" line would serve some purpose, some foreshadowing regarding his or another character's death - death by stinky ass! - but no, it's just his cringe-inducing recurring line, as lacking in purpose as Isaac Hayes' role.) Any fan of the original is going to want - to HAVE - to see this. Just don't blow $20 of your own money on it.

Rest Stop (2006 Video)

Terrible and Annoying

[2/10 · 27 December 2006]

Wow, it's "Jeepers Creepers" and then "The Vanishing" and then everything derived from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" -- It's most every horror movie in one! If the attempt was to stuff as many horror movie clichés known to man into one gruesome parody then fine, enjoy it that way; then, it is similar to those films in which there are hundreds of pop culture references and the audience is supposed to spend its time trying to catch each one.

If the attempt was to make a truly scary, gory horror film, then its makers are delusional or simply have no respect for its intended audience. Those of us who love this genre tend to be pretty flexible when it comes to budget restraints, amateurish acting and such; however, don't give us yet another tired retread with a script that seems as if written while throwing darts at index cards pinned to a wall, with each card stating some well-worn horror theme/cliché. "Don't run into the woods as the truck approaches, keep running away in its direct path!" "Don't stay near or walk along the road and hope that a car passes, go hole up in the 'geez, I could certainly get trapped in here' restroom!" I fully gave up on this film during the very. long. restroom scene in which one characters lies bleeding and dying ... and talking ... and talking ... about (the person's) noble life and wonderful child and regretted last words. It was then that the whole thing tipped over into the ludicrous and I wondered if the film was meant to be a joke.

Under different circumstances, I would watch the film again but in a different mindset, and see if it works as satire. However, I have no interest in wasting time on this film again, and doubt its satiric intent after the (again clichéd) scene with the creepy family (wacko religious nuts -- who'd expect it??), filmed in a style that screams "We're ripping off-- 'paying HOMAGE' -- to David Lynch!"

Subject Two (2006)

Well-worth seeing

[9/10 · 24 July 2006]

What a surprise this film is! It's a quiet, get-absorbed-in-it sort of horror film, and properly light on gore. The story is similar to Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, whereas life is created from death in the name of science. The acting is solid and moving; there is no mugging, no sly popular culture wink-winks. The focus is on the story, not special effects, not body count, and there's a steady sense of sadness and madness that made me not want to watch the bonus features afterward; I got so drawn into the characters that I did not want their effect on me altered by watching the actors goof around or discuss the film.

The actor who played Adam, the loner medical student, was wonderful -- and very handsome, to boot. He conveyed very well the pain and isolation that Adam felt, and it made sense why Adam would take part in Dr. Vick's experiment for, in part, he'd finally have a connection with another person, regardless of any personal consequences.

Any faults I found with the film were too minor for me to give them much consideration. It's too nice to finally see a low-budget film that obviously was a work of love and is dedicated to its story, not to getting its talent noticed by making yet another indistinguishable gorefest that is a checklist of a dozen other horror films.

And not once does a screeching cat leap out from a closed cupboard door. Mad props for that, guys.

Gossip (I) (2000)

Almost camp, it's so absurd

[3/10 · 24 July 2006]

I finally saw this film last night (23 Jul 2006) after it somehow fell off my radar over the past six years. It starts off well enough, though away from any sort of reality. I kept getting distracted by questions, such as, How does the artist afford all of his snazzy equipment, electronics and supplies when he can't even pay rent? Why is smart Jones having sex with the X-Man when she knows his insert-and-discard history -- especially when she's living under his roof? Why is a club's bathroom next to a bedroom, with just a latch-handle door between them? Did the Dawson's Creek guy really go and leave the club with his girlfriend passed out on the bed? Wasn't she mad about THAT?

And then it gets around to ending. Woo-hoo! I was already writhing on my bed, overwhelmed by the utter absurdity, but then it went RIGHT over the top. What was already implausible was made doubly so. I still can't untangle the inconsistencies of this film. If the ending is to be believed (snicker), then what about that big, bad investigation? Such as when the female investigator tells Jones how she's not such an a-hole, etc. That scene logically fits in HOW?

And that last dialog exchange is such a howler! THOSE were the best lines that were decided upon? Wimpy and eye-roll-inducing. I was surprised that Paul Haggis didn't direct this film. "Gossip is bad. It can hurt people, and sometimes the gossip can be turned against its source and hurt the source, too -- and might even land him or her in PRISON."

No rubber bras were worn during the making of this film.

Motor Home Massacre (2005 Video)

Terribly clunky, yet strangely amusing after a while

[4/10 · 13 June 2006]

I expected nothing from this film other than a way to help me recover from my three-day 35th birthday celebrating, a day I spent watching films in bed. I expected even less from it once that horrible "I'm a trucker" main titles song was played. The Roger character was the worst of the bunch for he was so over-the-top obnoxious and revolting that he'd not be anyone's polar-opposite friend at their age. Therefore, the very set up that these "types" (wigger, sexist pig, dweeb) would be still be friends as adults is ridiculous.

You have to understand that this is actually a comedy, which became evident once the dweeb fantasizes that when the girl in bed slowly, teasingly lowers the bed sheet, she reveals not her breasts but a report card featuring two A+'s.

However, it's a very trying film to sit through. I think I stopped it at one point to check e-mail. Even for low-budget, there are scenes which are just so stupid they're not even bad-enjoyable. Case in point: the convenience store scene. This seemed written by two 14-year-olds. Dreadful. And note how the owner tells them how there was a murder "last night" and concludes his tale by stating that "they never found out who did it." Ah, speed investigations...

In fact, I'd be surprised if the script HADn't been written by various persons for there seemed to be different styles of writing. In contrast, a tied-up-in-bed scene produces an amusing conversation during the fishing-out of a pocket knife from the male's pants.

Justin Geer, who played the dweeb, was fun to watch, for he actually can act. Tanya Fraser, the black girl whom is twice befriended, was good, and game even when being referred to as "tar baby." She has a very funny scene later in the film involving one of the blondes and a frying pan.

The film gets better, in its bad-self way, as it nears its conclusion for it becomes simply ludicrous and over-the-top. (If one wishes to be let in to the RV before it drives away, perhaps going to the FRONT of the RV where, you know, the WINDSHIELD is, is better than pounding on the back of it.) It's played as a joke by the remaining cast, and if you're drinking and/or toking with friends, you'll chuckle. This is simply a film one cannot take seriously as horror or as a full-on comedy, but I find myself liking it, in a limited way. I'd watch it again with friends on "Bad Movie Night," but skip past certain scenes.

Sunburst (1975)

New Age Horror Musical!

[2/10 · 24 January 2006]

1975's "Slashed Dreams" should be on a double-bill with 1973's "Caged Terror", another film that strived for a (pretentious) "deep, man" message and also featured a young, white heterosexual couple out in the woods, skinny-dipping (no frontal this time) and being terrorized by two creepy men. Both films also feature the man smearing something reddish onto the woman's face. Perhaps "Slashed Dreams" is the remake of "Caged Terror". How necessary.

The set-up is simple: A female college student with a boyfriend who loves her but, conveniently, is a major jerk, heads off to the woods with her saintly childhood male friend, of whom the boyfriend is jealous and so makes of at every opportunity. Deep in the woods is their college drop-out friend, Michael, played by post-Whitey, pre-Freddy Krueger, Robert Englund. He has built an almost see-through cabin in the woods and has apparently found the answer to life's problems and, subsequently, soft-talking inner-peace by doing so. (The jerk boyfriend also made fun of Michael, natch.) The film turns out to be a musical. As with "Caged Terror", there is not much of a story; therefore, there is much padding. An unfortunate selection of songs -- seemingly appearing every seven minutes -- were chosen to make the viewer feel happy or sad, depending on the scene. The songs are mostly sung by a female in ear-splitting fashion, and all of them give 70s folk music a bad name. In one scene, as the woman tries to follow the man up to a cliff, the weight of the camping gear on her back causes her to slide down the dirt. This scene is accompanied by a song apparently entitled "Animals Are Clumsy, Too", a light-hearted song that reminds us that for every time we find ourselves bumping our knee against a bedpost, somewhere there is a calf walking around with one leg stuck in a milk jug.

Since this happy young couple receive -- yet laugh off -- a warning about wandering the woods alone, it is certain that something bad will happen. And it does. And then the movie meanders along while the bad thing seems to go through the seven stages of grief. Michael finally shows up and apparently has discovered the ways of the Native Americans, and therefore brews up just the right tea for the traumatic occasion.

A poem found in a book seems to be the key to the film's outcome, and I was left saying "What??" It seems that, as in "Caged Terror", being the recipient of a certain act of violence is actually a GOOD thing for it elevates the victim to a higher plane, freeing her- or himself of physical and spiritual shackles, and leading her or him to a greater understanding of the world, and to a calming inner-peace. Not only does this film give ammunition to anti-70s folk music sentiment, but to New Age beliefs as well.

This is even less 'worth-seeing' than "Caged Terror".

Drive in Massacre (1976)

Mediocre movie, but amusing

[3/10 · 23 January 2006]

I find many of the old horror movie titles as part of packaged releases from Brentwood and other companies, twelve titles for $5.99, fifty titles for $20.00, etc. Therefore, many of these films have not been remastered and have lousy sound or picture quality. This is very true for the version I saw of "Drive-in Movie Massacre". I couldn't understand most of what was being said in the opening sequence, and I had to increase the brightness of my television to figure out exactly whom was being shown at the end, and I think I know who it was -- due to the context -- but it wasn't clear.

However, despite its sound and picture problems, this film couldn't have been any better in crisp shape 30 years ago. I was only 4 and 5 in 1976 and recall only one time being sneaked into a drive-in; my understanding of drive-ins, however, is that when things on the screen got boring, people honked their horns. I read that that was why Sam Raimi kept up the pace of "Evil Dead", to prevent horn-honking. I imagine that there was much honking during screenings of this film. The ending is laughably absurd; it MIGHT have worked in 1940, or 1876, and it might scare little four year olds who are still afraid of the bogeyman and have parents who try to keep them well-behaved by using his appearance as a threat, but for teenagers or adults, it's "Oh, Jesus" lame.

This is on top of the film being highly padded, with a minutes-long scene of one character's carnival-gazing and another set in a warehouse that doesn't make a lick of sense. However, I found this film mildly amusing, in a movie-night-with-your-drinking-buddies sort of way. It has touches of camp, sometimes intentional. The manager of the drive-in, filled with angrily-told stories of self-pity, amused me, and I thought that the actor playing "Germy" often hit some spot-on moments, his pathetic 'am-I-a-good-boy?' eagerness to help with the investigation and wounded reaction when finally being pushed too far helping to ground the film.

This is not the worst film of its genre, and I'd watch it again with friends who want to make fun of something while we get drunk.

Xtro (1982)

Freaky, Good Movie

[9/10 · 16 January 2006]

I bought "XTRO" and its two sequels on a pure whim, not knowing anything about them or even reading their synopses (I don't like when plot points are given away and would rather go into a film ignorant of most of its content).

I watched it with a friend while drinking caramel apple martinis. Upon the introduction of the midget character I remembered having seen this film in VHS form as a teenager. We both were quite enjoying the film and now a sense of nostalgia kicked in for me. As the movie progressed, we liked it all the more. I commented to him that it's the perfect film to get stoned during. It's really ... freaky ... and sometimes surreal. It's one of those movies I used to watch at my grandmother's apartment during "Saturday Night Dead", which used to come on right after "Saturday Night Live" (this being around 1981 or so), which helped to both develop and warp my young mind. "XTRO" slowly turns into something like one's filmed nightmare, with an ending that might do Clive Barker proud.

It is evident that the film makers wanted to make as good a film as possible, and succeeded remarkably. A good film is a good film, despite budget or the passing of time. "XTRO" is a film to enjoy over and over again, whether by yourself or with friends, but definitely enhanced with booze and/or pot.

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Confusing

[5/10 · 16 January 2006]

It's not a bad film. It doesn't take itself seriously. It's entertaining. It's just ... pointless. It's so aware that it's silly that it therefore negates itself. It's not a film to watch with your friends while drinking. It's not one to cozy up with under the covers and get drawn into its strange little world. It's not satire. It just ... is. So I've been left wondering WHY it was made. I can't imagine anyone wanting to own it, recommending it to friends, watching it a second time, or basing a movie night around it. So ... why?

On the plus side, Gary Busey is funny as the Killer Cookie's voice, in part because he's always come off as so freaky. And it's amusing to ponder the logic of someone running a hard-on-its luck bakery actually adding the contents of a mysterious package -- simply labeled "gingerbread spice" -- left at the back door to her batch of gingerbread dough.

But if stalked by a Killer Cookie, you know, just go outside. Leave the bakery, call the cops. Go have a latte. But don't make a piece of fluff movie about it.

An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)

Dumb and Unnecessary

[2/10 · 16 January 2006]

It took me nine years to finally see this film. Back in 1997 it sounded like a dreadful idea. However, now, with a Blockbuster Video movie pass, I can take chances on certain films without actually having to 'pay' for them.

It's a dumb film. What made "American Werewolf in London" work was it was more of a serious film than a comedy, and the comedy was wonderfully dark, which added well to the horror element. "Paris" seems aimed toward attention-deficit teenagers, though it's rated R. The lead character is too goony to be of much interest or to be taken seriously, plus he'd have been killed in his early-on rescue scene; therefore, the film doesn't even try to make the unrealistic set-up seem realistic. (You can't buy into a drama or horror film if the film doesn't strive to be true in its own world.) CGI werewolves aren't scary. "London" has outdated effects, of course, but they're still wonderful to watch for the audience is being treated to a painful and prolonged transformation. A real-seeming, nice guy -- not some bland goofball -- is going through something horrific, and the special effects strive for realism and therefore one can buy into the transformation, all the while knowing it's not real. Turning an actor into a cartoon werewolf is not engaging and therefore there's nothing to buy into.

The ending is one one of those "ha-ha" wrap-things-up-in-a-bow scenes that plagued so many horror/suspense films of the 90s, such as the also-unnecessary "The Vanishing", a weak remake of a gut-wrenching Dutch film.

Shtickmen (2003)

The American Idol of Comedy

[3/10 · 16 January 2006]

If a group of high school students were to write and perform an 86-minute comedy for their fellow students, parents, the faculty and community, the outcome would be no better nor worse than this film. Their play would garner a few laughs, but most of the laughs would be forced, and for support. It would show the promise of certain writers and performers but the play itself would be mildly painful to sit through, and except for a few amusing bits, ultimately forgettable.

The IDEA of "Shtickmen" is amusing, some of what makes it to the screen is amusing, but mostly it is flat, as if filmed after its rushed first draft. Watching comedians poorly mock "hack comedy" felt a bit surreal. My friend was listening to it via the speaker in our living room and he wondered how I was able to sit through the whole thing. I explained that I found it fascinating in its badness.

Ah! It's the comedy equivalent of sitting through two commercial-free episodes of "American Idol". With its string of misses and mild hits, I recommend this to be watched with your friends while drinking.

The Newlydeads (1988)

Toxie's TOP Ten?

[5/10 · 27 November 2005]

I purchased this title as a part of Troma's "Toxie's Top Ten." I certainly don't want to see "Toxie's Bottom-of-the-Barrel."

"The Newlydeads" starts off promising, though poorly photographed, with a news report mentioning Billie Jean King and the death of Bruce Lee. This is followed by the well-known song "Spooky." The film seemed to be striving to be more than standard 80s slasher fare. I happily settled back with my caramel apple martini.

We then meet Lloyd Stone, who owns a lodge and who evidently has very poor vision and is hard of hearing. He makes a move on a blonde guest, a move which is reciprocated, but things turn out badly. Fifteen years later, Lloyd is having a lawn wedding and the blonde guest shows up. From there, things go downhill for Lloyd, plus his other newlywed lodge guests, plus the audience.

I was giving "The Newlydeads" points for portraying the character of Jackie in a positive light, but while allowing Jackie to exact revenge on Lloyd is one thing, having her kill innocent others derails the film from any logic and leaves us without anyone for whom to root.

Among the all-white "newlyweds" is an elderly couple, still very much in love but treated in a condescending manner by both the filmmakers and the drunken priest, to whom they go to renew their vows. Also there is Chris, who sounds like Sharon Gless' Deb from "Queer as Folk," Chris being the "psychic" character so common in creatively bankrupt films. She "sees" things that are about to happen, something which used to turn on her husband but which now just serves to annoy him. She warns Lloyd that bad things are a-brewin' but he can't be bothered with such lunacy when he's got a hot, breast-baring new wife to bed.

Sure enough, the next morning a likable young couple is found dead and Chris pulls an "I told you so" on Lloyd. Instead of going to the police to report a bad-for-business double homicide, Lloyd frets over his day-long but already-troubled marriage and Chris, our supposed hero, urges him to get rid of the bodies that are starting to pile up. Jackie quickly realizes that Lloyd is incredibly stupid, even by cheesy horror movie standards, and keeps getting him to do very bad things.

This is the sort of film in which no one advises the surviving guests to, you know, CHECK OUT, and in which someone loses a loved one yet behaves as if nothing has happened. There's a mystery to solve, after all -- the body will keep! For those who like breasts, there are plenty of women well-cast in those roles. Cops finally show up, but behaving as if they're two of the paintball players from "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives." The conclusion is completely absurd. This is definitely a film that, if you must watch it, you should watch with friends, while drinking, and with sex on your minds.

Skinned Deep (2004)

More time spent renting this film than spent watching it

[1/10 · 27 November 2005]

I love male frontal nudity in film and the horror genre in general. When I read that "Skinned Deep" was a combination of the two -- AND had Fangoria's name attached to it! -- I immediately went out and rented it.

I spent more minutes renting this film than I did watching it.

This is an appallingly bad film. After barely thirty minutes, I'd had enough. I dig good horror/comedy. I enjoy clever spoofs of horror movie convention (and would love to see a parody in which screeching cats keep leaping into frame accompanied by LOUD JOLTS OF MUSIC, thus killing off both of those exasperating gimmicks for good). I can suspend my disbelief if the film is directed carefully. What I cannot accept is stupidity. I gave this film a chance, but after a while the actions of the characters overwhelmed any sense of goofiness that it might have achieved. Peter Jackson could have made this work; as directed, "Skinned Deep" offered nothing to keep me watching for another hour. What should have been a joyfully grotesque meal sequence left me wondering, "Are these people really this oblivious?" After one character makes an escape yet is still stranded in the building in which something horrible has happened, why would this person begin calling out for help, especially when the room s/he sees below looks like something out of the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? Perhaps this movie found its footing and became entertaining; "Dead & Breakfast" certainly started out mediocre for its first half-hour but then became quite fun. However, "Skinned Deep's" clichéd opening situation (the car of vacationing white people breaks down and a family of crazies take them into their home) followed by overacting and illogical behaviour offered no incentive for me to find out. I fast-forwarded to the frontal nude scene and returned the film to the rental store.

It is sad that having "Fangoria's" name attached to a horror film offers no more promise than that of the name "Sam Raimi." At least in Fangoria's case, "Skinned Deep" wasn't trimmed down to a PG-13.

Boo (2005)

BOO 'scare' tactics and bad acting, oh my!

[3/10 · 27 November 2005]

I was happy to rent "Boo" after reading that it was from the same producer as "Dog Soldiers," which I found wonderfully relentless. While "Dog Soldiers" is on my list of films to buy, I soon found "Boo" to be tedious. It is the sort of movie I began to watch in bits for it was becoming too aggravating to sit through in one stretch. While I appreciate horror films made on a small budget (and therefore, it can be assumed, made out of a passion for the genre and not a mere eye on box office returns), recent films, such as "Boo," rely on SUDDEN LOUD NOISES to elicit their scare moments. (It's the new 'screeching cat leaping out' gimmick.) This film made me jump once. However, when a film uses a LOUD NOISE or sudden ghost/killer reveal a second time, the impact is usually lessened, and when this happens a THIRD time, and then again, the 'scares' become predictable for the audience now knows the rhythm of the film, that whenever there's a quiet moment, there will be a JOLT, or whenever a character is about to move out of frame, the ghost/killer will be standing there. And really, what suspense can be given to a film when there is an overuse of a creepy little girl suddenly, without actually moving, advancing toward another character, accompanied by A LOUD SOUND. The squeaking, slowly moving wheelchair was much more effective for then a sense of dread was built, a 'What's going to happen?' apprehension. JOLTS just become numbing, and then boring.

I can forgive bad acting but there are certain true reactions to which we can all relate and when a character does not REACT the way that we would, that is when the amateurish performance becomes distracting. If my girlfriend/boyfriend or best friend is murdered, my reaction is horror and anger; in this film, there is shock (and one character gets very upset and weepy) but then everyone just seems to gloss over this and resumes looking for a way to escape the hospital. The murder then becomes a mere plot device, another 'reanimated dead' complication for our remaining cast to soon deal with.

Great use of a particular costume however, and it's always wonderful to see Dee Wallace Stone on screen.