Bocklocke Reviews

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005)

A Great Movie-- for Those who Have Played the Game

[7/10 · 1 January 2009]

The movie is exciting and action packed and it features a new plot that takes place 2 years after the Final Fantasy VII game's end. It also features the return of all the familiar faces such as Cloud, Tifa, Cid, etc. However, there is one major problem with the movie: it is completely dependent on the extensive knowledge of those who have played the game, and those who have not will be totally lost in the plot. As I mentioned the story picks up some time after the game's end, and due to this those who have played it know all of the players, their roles, and minute details divulged through playing the game. And to those who do not have that extensive knowledge it would be safer not watching it at all because it not only contains major game spoilers (should you ever play the game) but it also will feel like you just ate desert before dinner. The movie is great because it extends the life of the Final Fantasy VII mystique a little longer in a different medium, though those who have not played it really should play through the game to fill in the gaps.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Two Titans of Terror Tear it Up

[7/10 · 10 October 2008]

Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm Street versus Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th seems like a match made in heaven, and the movie does a decent job of projecting that. The story in a nutshell is that the kids of Elm Street seemed to have forgotten Freddy and his deeds, and without fear Freddy has no power. So Freddy looks for someone else who can supply some fear and cause the kids to remember him, and that person is Jason. Everything goes according the plan at first but when Jason doesn't stop killing, Freddy has to stop him because he served his purpose. What ensues is an all-out brawl between Freddy and Jason and the kids of Elm Street are caught right in the middle. The plot is simple, which is good, and it provides a grisly and enjoyable slasher experience--of course providing you like that genre. Despite the fact the movie is not one of the best slashers featuring either antagonist it is still a good, bloody and sick ride.

Postal (2007)

Postal: Boll's "Best" Movie

[7/10 · 28 August 2008]

Now we all know Uwe Boll's track record when it comes to movies, but even more so when it's applied to video games. However, in the case of Postal I have to say I was rather surprised because the movie possessed this subtle flair of the game. While watching it I felt it was trying its hardest to be as true to the game as it could. It has sick and pointlessly funny humor both political and sexual, and it has a ridiculous plot that feels like something right out of the game. Perhaps the one thing Boll does well in Postal is the bumbling collection of Muslim terrorists who are apathetic about the whole "Jihad" thing and they are quite funny to watch as they goof around. I guess what makes Postal the movie special is the collection of little silly Easter egg-esquire instances that will just make you chuckle. Like the Postal game, the movie deserves its due because it is a novelty among movies. Regardless, it's Boll's "best" work.

Doom (2005)

It's Doom, but it's Not Doom

[3/10 · 24 August 2008]

The movie takes it's characters and enemies straight from the game Doom 3, but the movie takes a completely different storyline. The game's story begins after a demonic portal opens up and it releases the legion of hellish creatures, but the movie takes a Resident Evil-esquire approach by simply dubbing the whole accident a "virus". As a Doom fan I find this major change an insult; it completely alters the storyline AND essentially what Doom is all about. These are the reasons I chose the odd title to this review: the movie is Doom to a degree, but as a whole it is not Doom. It's a fine sci-fi flick but if you are a Doom fan then do not watch this movie.

The Condemned (2007)

A Surprisingly Decent & Brutal Flick

[7/10 · 3 May 2008]

The Condemned starring Stone Cold Steve Austin is a brutal and moderately well written manhunt of a movie that features hot women, plenty of action, and the moral border between entertainment and sick pleasure at the expense of human beings. The movie is about a number of death row inmates who are given another chance at freedom if they can become the sole survivor in a grisly deathmatch that is being streamed to the world via the Internet. There's a ton of really rough and brutal action violence, but surprisingly there is very little blood and guts. The movie is written moderately well, and I must admit Stone Cold plays his part as Jack Conrad to a tee because of his bald head, goatee, and tough guy persona. I love it when Jack says to one guy, "I'm going to kill you." And then to the next guy he says, "I'm going to kill you too, sweetheart." He says it with such conviction that it's very believable. The one thing that confused me was the seemingly omnipresent tug-of-war whether the deathmatch among these human beings was moral or not. After it was all said and done a female interviewer spoke against violence and the manipulation of human lives. So ironically, after all that death and descent into the decay of the most wretched recesses of the human psyche they preach against what they condone/glorify the whole movie. All in all the movie was good and I seriously recommend it to action fans.

High School Musical (2006 TV Movie)

Pure Disney, But Nothing Superb

[6/10 · 5 November 2007]

HSM is a Disney movie through and through with numerous sing-a-long songs, catchy dance moves, and the universal theme of following your dreams. I saw the movie a couple of times and it just doesn't deliver the same jive most Disney movies do. The acting was actually quite entertaining with all the complicated dance moves and such. The old battleaxe that swipes everyone's cell phones is funny enough because it's believable. I have to be honest; HSM's songs came across as-- well, kind of corny to be frank. It is a musical, yes, but the songs could've been written and/or sung better. Overall HSM delivers a pure Disney snack with a little substance but nothing to cheer about. Despite the relative "corneyness" of the movie there are funny and sometimes cute aspects that bring it around to make it often worthwhile.

Hot Fuzz (2007)

Looks and Sounds Good, Unfortunately It's Not

[4/10 · 10 September 2007]

I really thought a British spoof on police life would be funny. I also though Hot Fuzz would deliver that kind of funny I was expecting from the same people as "Shaun of the Dead." Instead I get this diluted and brainless rendition of British police life. Nick Angel, who goes to a small town to work, has an idiotically unfunny sidekick, and tries to solve a number of grisly, gruesome murders. There are some funny parts, though they are too far between and pretty lame when they occur. You'll find yourself laughing-- a little. Often Angel's sidekick make some idiotic remark or tries to copy Angel with moronic results. You may giggle a little when a man is seen urinating in a pub. Humorous instances are too broad apart and when they do occur it's like, "Okay. Big deal." The movie is described as an "action-comedy", but a better description for this would be a "mild action-lame comedy" movie. To be quite honest, I didn't even finish the movie. I have better things to do with my time than spend two hours and one minute waiting for the action to heat up in Hot Fuzz or the humor to be more humorous.

Akira (1988)

Akira: The Anime Standard

[10/10 · 1 July 2007]

Akira stands out as a moving and also frightening experience involving corruption and incredible power. The movie is quite simply amazing, and for being twenty years old it does not show its age. Akira stands out as a movie ahead of its time. Despite being made in 1987, all anime fans can and will enjoy the sometimes violent Akira today in 2007. It is advised that one watch the movie through completely once then go back and watch it completely through a second time. The second time through you will know all the major players in the game and more of what exactly is going on. The movie is exciting, thought-provoking, and ultimately terrifying, but all-in-all the greatest anime experience. It is most definitely worth renting or even better buying.

Chicken Little (2005)

Just not a very good movie

[2/10 · 29 November 2006]

Chicken Little from Disney was anticipated by critics and moviegoers alike but ultimately turned out to be a rather poor movie. The movie was void of any visible plot and I personally had trouble deciphering how each scene was supposed to tell the nonexistent story. The movie is full of barnyard characters with funny voices including the talents of Patrick Stewart and Don Knotts, but this really doesn't help it too much. There's even has some humor, even though most of it is spread too far in between to keep one's attention. However, I'd have to admit some of the humor is quite tasteful and I found myself laughing. The movie is most definitely qualified for a library rental, but not for paid rental and certainly not for purchase.

Phone Booth (2002)

A very tense movie about manipulation and death.

[9/10 · 25 July 2006]

You might think that a guy (Colin Farrel) trapped in a phone booth by a sniper (Kiefer Sutherland) would be boring, but that's just not the case. This movie, despite it's lack of pure action, makes up in some truly heart-pounding situations always hinging on life and death. It's frightening in that the sniper locked himself away from being traced by cops and can see Stu's (Farrel) every move within the booth. The story become fast-paced and will grab your attention and won't let go until the end. It's funny that until the very end you only hear the sniper's voice, but when Stu is waiting in an ambulance Sutherland walks up and talks to him. Then the last scene is Sutherland walking down the street with a large case. As he passes the phone booth he give it a glance. This movie is so tense and will keep you guessing of who's waling out of it alive.

House of the Dead (2003)

This movie is so bad it's scary

[1/10 · 27 June 2006]

This movie is quite possibly the most un-scary movie I have ever seen. I generally freak out with movies of terror, but I found this one rather humorous in an odd way. There was plenty of "blood and guts" therein, but sometimes the "blood and guts" wasn't where it was supposed to be. For example: when one's midsection and down is severed off by zombies one would think there would be excessive blood and maybe some intestines. Actually, this movie doesn't think so. In one instance a woman's legs and midsection are eaten off by zombies and her lover saves her and they chat briefly. The "blood" bled from her severed torso looks like water with some seriously diluted red food coloring. Aside from lack of "blood and guts" in this movie the violence also seems cheaply done. Much of the violence looks fake and really won't push that feeling of gore. Lastly, the zombies in the film looked and acted pretty dumb. They would run around growling and snarling, and it pretty much amounted to about as much as a poorly executed Halloween joke. By no means should anyone in their right mind see this movie for any price. Even if it's free.

See No Evil (2006)

You Don't Wanna See See No Evil

[1/10 · 2 June 2006]

Glen Jacobs (WWE's Kane) stars as Jacob Goodnight is a nutcase with a metal plate in his head who lives in an old abandoned hotel. Okay, so far so good, right? We have a big bad monster lurking in a hotel and some kids that are going there for some community service. So far the ingredients for a good horror movie are present, but soon some of the most vital ingredients are left out, making See No Evil a stinkin' mess in the long run. Basically the See No Evil "movie" is an endless series of ruthless and grotesque killings by Goodnight. The movie has no plot, per se, except for the ever-present dark and brutal atmosphere. In conclusion See No Evil is a waste of time unless you are a fan of endless blood, gore, and unique graphic violent methods.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

South Park Is Badder

[10/10 · 24 May 2006]

South Park Bigger, Longer and Uncut is everything those of us who enjoy it have come to love: the cute little kids with foul mouths, the eccentric adults, a talking piece of poop, etc. What the movie does is it takes an "innocent" R-rated Terrence and Philip movie and the boys see it and it warps their "fragile" little minds to the point where they talk like T & P. From this point the plot snowballs and all along the way you'll see familiar characters and bear witness to some truly funny songs the boys, Mr. Mackey, and Mrs. Broflowski sing. The whole movie is anti-Canada, but despite this fact the movie South Park truly makes a classic viewing. Anyone who liked the series should surely see/own it.

Leeches! (2003 Video)

The Movie Is Crap

[1/10 · 24 May 2006]

This movie coudln't even be classified as a "horror" movie because it's not even scary. What we have here are several actors who think they know how to "act", and several very moronic leech props. See, the leech thing is what gets me the most. The leeches don't even look like leeches; they look like rubber snakes with someone's hand inside (which is so) moving it. The movie looks fake and even the little skirmish in the end when the guy gets a pipe stuck in his back and blood fakeishly oozes out. Even in the end when the guy in the pool dies looks dumbly fake. Anyone who likes real horror films can easily pass this on up w/o guilt.