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Teddy_C
Reviews
Evil Dead Rise (2023)
Eminently frustrating
Quick: you just someone come back from what was clearly death as hellish demon corpse. A subsequent injury inflicted similarly trivial damage and only maybe slowed the demon. So what do you do now? If your answer is to quickly beat on the demon with everything you can muster, incapacitate them/throw them out the window, and run like hell, congratulations! You have some modicum of common sense!
If, on the other hand, you stab/hit them once, then freeze, waiting, or sloooowly and dramatically back away, and act surprised when the demon starts moving again, and you repeat this rough cycle for the ENTIRE goddamn movie, then I'm sorry for you. Please rethink your life choices, and never, ever, make a horror movie (again.)
I don't mind some illogicality or suspension of disbelief to keep the story moving and tension up, but I was literally screaming at the characters the entire time to stop being so freaking stupid! I can forgive a lot of things, because I love horror and the ghetto is still something of a thing, but tearing out my hair because the characters' idiocy is the only reason things manage to escalate? Nah man. I had to quit with like 20 minutes left because I was genuinely enraged, and that is not a thing that has ever happened to me before.
Also, the people criticizing the actors are unfortunately spot on. The older daughter's expression barely moved, the son just looked confused to be there, and the sister never seemed to react the way a normal human is supposed to react. Frankly, the mom aside, the little girl had the most sympathetic and believable performance (also one of the best track records on demon kills. That isn't a good thing.)
I loved the 2013 movie and still rewatch it every 2-3 years, but this was a horrible effort and a stain on the franchise. Whomever signed off on this script needs to pay dearly.
The Thing (2011)
Don't go into it expecting much and you can probably enjoy it
Everyone complaining of cardboard characters, stupid decisions, and a complete lack of suspense make very valid points. It's more like a Resident Evil movie, frankly, in that there's no sense of paranoia - just a series of fights with the (well-designed, if not very well rendered) monsters.
Winstead did a fine job with what she had to work with, but at several points I found myself intensely frustrated with her habit of sloooowly turning around or inching forward in true horror cliche fashion when a sane person would feel some sense of damn urgency. Come on, girl! I get you're a civilian scientist and not an action hero, but Christ, lives are stake, move a little faster!
That being said, it's a decent popcorn flick and worth at least one watch. If by chance you can watch this before ever seeing the 1982 version as I did, you'll probably be able to appreciate both movies a little more.
The Djinn (2021)
Don't get excited
I was looking forward to a movie about actual djinn, unique and fascinating beings from Islamic folklore. This isn't it. It's just a bog standard haunting that moves as slow as frozen molasses. Just because you call your ghost-demon thing something different doesn't make it a new idea, guys. The boy is great, though, and smarter than the average horror protagonist. Only reason I scored it as high as I did.
Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020)
Only DC movie I liked enough to rewatch in recent memory
I actually thought this was more of a 6.5/10, but gave it a 10 out of spite to all the 1s and 2s written by MRA incels.
See this if you:
-Like Harley Quinn/Margot Robbie, because she's fantastic here. If you saw Suicide Squad and said to yourself 'This would be so much better with just Harley,' you'll probably love this
-Want some fun, stylish, neon-drenched hero(?) action. Yes, it's no Deadpool, but they can't all be
-You like DC but find most of the offerings in the past decade or so too grim and dull
On the other hand, if any of these apply to you, just skip it and spare yourself the agitation and the world your pointless vitriol:
-If you have a slavish devotion to the comics and are going to fly into an impotent, frothing rage over the slightest deviation from them
-If trying to be inclusive wreaks havoc on your straight white male sensitivities
-If you call misandry and breaking men down "feminism" and apply that term to anything featuring females opposing males in whatever context
If you're in between these extremes, you probably won't be too upset in giving it a try. No, it's not gonna win any Oscars, but there are far worse ways to spend 2 hours.
Face of Evil (2016)
Give this one a very wide berth
I have a very high tolerance for mediocre horror, so the fact that I literally could not bear to sit all the way through this one is a first. This cringe-fest has what I'd wager to say is some of the worst acting and script I've ever seen. At the time of this review the rating for this movie was 4.5 - which I imagine is only due to 10 ratings from people involved with the film, because that's way too good for this thing.
Please, if you even remotely like yourself, avoid this catastrophe.