revolution-7 Reviews

Lie to Me (2009–2011)

Lie down

[3/10 · 18 March 2009]

I've nearly given up on movies a while back. In my opinion TV series have surpassed cinema in many ways. I'm an admirer of Tim Roth, he's a great talent, so I was expecting something special, a TV series worthy of his qualities as an actor ( and director ).

To make a long story short, I think "Lie to Me" is CSI-like TV show only without the visual and conceptual qualities of CSI, but with all the shortcomings of CSI. Tim Roth seems to be bored to death, while the other main characters appear to have no other purpose than to be the main characters. Which would be OK, if they weren't so annoying.

Then there are other actors, you know, the suspects & co. The subject of the show is lying and uncovering liars by detecting giveaway facial expressions, but for that to work, producers, please hire someone who can act.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

HeyBoll

[3/10 · 13 August 2008]

A lot in this movie is reminiscent of Uwe Boll's erm...opus. It's more expensive, the effects are better, but in all honesty, I can't truly find any talent in this Hellboy sequel. A sequel it really is, in that dirtiest meaning of the word. It just tries to cash in on a successful first, with mindless repeat of the recipe that used to work, only with differing quantities of some ingredients.

This movie lacks purpose. It's just another tall tale set in the Hellboy universe, a rather generic story offering no further insight into whatever magical world the supernatural heroes originate from.

In fact, the supernatural becomes the norm in this sequel. There are far less human beings, and far, far more props from "Neverending Story" walking around, being weird-for-the-sake-of-being-weird. Kinda like every faux medieval movie features midgets, a fair, or an Inn.

Don't get me wrong. These creatures are all fun to look at, but this just ruins the atmosphere, it's not a movie, but a showcase of what some CGI crew can do.

Remember the sequels to MATRIX? The first one played around with the idea that the viewer could be living inside a computer program, without knowing it. The sequels completely forgot this thought-provoking layer of the story. The first Hellboy toyed around with the idea that supernatural beings are somewhere, saving our existence from unimaginable evil beings from other worlds. Hellboy II feels like it went to this other world, rented a bad apartment and threw a cheesy party for the freakish neighbours.

Then, there's the emotion. Or the lack of it. Guillermo Del Toro is probably not some writing/directing robot who's only encounter with real life, love and loss is from watching movies... but he sure as hell writes/directs all the "human" scenes like a robot.

After watching all Guillermo Del Toro's opus, I am now pretty sure he simply can't manage the flow of his work. There's never a really impressive entrance scene, everything overstays its welcome ( be it a fight, or dialogue, it's always just too long ). Whenever there's supposed to be a climactic scene, Guillermo ruins it by doing something, and then some more, and then some more. Fights last for ages, dialogues repeat themselves, people die for hours, and talk for hours while dying. Guillermo ruins it by driving in the point. He just doesn't know how to do climax. He just hasn't got it. Just like this last few lines I wrote. I overdid it. Get it? If that wasn't enough, I'll just throw in a winking smiley face. Or a couple of 'em.

I suppose HellboyII will make a lot of cash, and a few things in this one point to another sequel. It's all OK, but next time don't let Del Toro do anything but the puppets.

Robin and Marian (1976)

LOL dis sukcs a$$ yo!

[10/10 · 11 August 2008]

I bet a lot of people find this movie boring. It's just a psychological mechanism, their brain can't process the fact that death and decay are what awaits all of us. This movie takes the classic Hollywood ideal of heroism, and goes beyond the moment of victorious glory, following the characters to their demise.

This is the theme of the movie. Death and decay, yet in a very lively way. Although old, scarred and dying, these characters are more alive than any other version of Robin Hood ( and anything similar ). The viewer who doesn't suffer from ADD can get to know and like Robin and Marian, not because these people are GOOD and HEROIC, but because they are HUMAN. This Robin wakes up with a hangover, he makes Marian laugh by acting goofy, he endearingly mistreats his friends, he gets tired easily, he kills his opponents brutally, and each time he does it, you feel. There is no horde of faceless CGI monsters whom the hero slashes with one mighty swing, this hero wrestles a man down and stabs him in the back of the neck with a broken sword, and you feel for both of them.

This Robin isn't a robotic hero, and that's what bothers most viewers. The world he lives in is not black & white. The "villains" are not cartoony evil, but humans... all types of people we meet every day.

The theme of the movie is eternal. This Robin is angry at the social inequality between the nobles and everyone else. He's not a dethroned prince, but a capable leader of the people, from the people. He suffers the injustice and acts against it.

In recent movies, a hero is a superhuman who does everything effortlessly, he always has an edge over his enemies, and does everything without real motivation. The modern hero is just so good, he doesn't even need rewards like love or admiration. Basically, the modern hero is not a human being. It's an easy ideal to identify with. We all would just love to be perfect.

It's not easy to come to terms with one's own shortcomings. That's why there are no movies like this anymore. The box office has proved that people like their egos being stroked, the maximum depth allowed is the "family values" theme. Everything else either flops ( or is a pretentious art-house flick about gay cowboys eating pudding ).

Kremen (2007)

Amazing movie

[10/10 · 9 June 2008]

I've watched this movie at least three times, and it just gets better. I'm not quite sure what creative mind devised this hypnotic drama. There's a fairly simple plot, a young veteran solider returns home only to find his love interest moved to Moscow, he follows. Moscow is depicted as an emotionally cold megalopolis inhabited by cold, self-absorbed, interest-driven people. The hero seems to be a simpleton who constantly repeats several phrases, just like the music throughout the movie is a single musical phrase repeated in multiple situations. As the movie passes, his seemingly dumb and repetitive behaviour eventually clashes with reality - and defeats it, against all odds. The hypnotic repetition of the elements somehow works, the seemingly two-dimensional characters also work... if I had to explain why exactly it's an excellent movie, I couldn't really do it, I can just recommend it, and you see if it works for you.

REC (2007)

Eurothrash

[10/10 · 3 June 2008]

Don't read the reviews, just see it. You will not be disappointed in any way. Don't worry about the shaky camera and documentaristic style.

I hated Blair Witch, Cloverfield and Diary of the Dead I found them annoying. REC isn't annoying, it's just a pure distilled horror ride.

It won't bore you to pieces with sentimental crap, tired political subtext, or unrealistic whiny characters, REC will grab you, and won't let go for 75 minutes, and after that the scenes will stay with you.

REC doesn't rely on hommages or horror clichés, it's just a little masterpiece on its own.

**********

Juno (2007)

Pretentious movie for the people who don't like pretentious movies

[3/10 · 10 February 2008]

This isn't a movie, it's an emulation of some good indie movie.

Imagine watching a chef making a beautiful meal from fresh colourful vegetables and meat, using spices that look so interesting... and then you actually taste it, and find out all those vegetables and meat were actually wax, the spices were just sand and rubble in nicely designed boxes.

However, all of that is bearable. Even the poor attempts at humor are bearable... the kid has skinny legs... sure, the dialogue is artificially witty and doesn't seem convincing or realistic... one can roll his eyes, but still enjoy the movie... until one realizes that's ALL this movie offers. Plus the irritating music. Yes, I get it, it has a purpose, but it just ruins scene after scene with it's annoying melodies. It's quite obvious that intelligent people authored this film and its music, but they tried to make every scene seem like a mini-masterpiece, and it shows. Every moment just tries too hard at being iconic. It's just full of it.

None of the characters seem very convincing, none of their emotions ring true. Good actors were wasted on constantly delivering lines that are supposed to showcase the screenwriters wit and IQ.

This movie is about as "indie" as Madonna styled like Kurt Cobain would be "grunge".

Shortbus (2006)

It's kinda like an art movie, only without the art, or the movie...

[1/10 · 26 December 2007]

I kinda like porn, I have at least five favourite actresses. The problem with porn is that it's often just too cheesy and artificial. At least that's my problem with porn.

I love watching a good drama, because it's the only genre that takes its time to make you care about the characters. There's no big problem regarding dramas, I just wish there are more good ones, with thought-provoking themes. Sex is a huge part of everyone's life, so having a life uncensored on screen, with a strong author who has something to say - now that would be a winner.

So, don't watch Shortbus. It's got nothing of the above.

It tries to shock you, it's got people whining and acting all sad, and having lots of on-screen sex. But it just doesn't involve you with the story (was there a story?) and the characters.

According to reviews, the characters were supposed to be the main thing about this film. Well, they weren't really. I suppose the author wanted to make a sex+drama project, and everything else came as an afterthought. Nothing seems convincing or natural, and around the 30th minute I started wondering "why am I watching this".

Maybe it's just me, perhaps someone who resembles the characters depicted in the movie will find it to be great wanking & crying material.

Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)

Bad dream, meet role-playing game

[3/10 · 20 December 2007]

The trailers made me think this was going to be a nice no-brains-involved action movie set in 18th century France, just for the sake of using nice costumes. I was OK with that idea, really.

From the start, this movie rubbed me the wrong way. Too many pretentious scenes with religious imagery, as if the author wanted to 'say' something to the audience.

Too many badly written dialogues where characters express feelings... it all reminded me of some bad console RPG video game, but the characters felt even more flat and unconvincing.

The movie went on, and on, and on. There were at least three or four climactic endings, but the movie went on. By the time of the real, final climax, I was ready to leave the cinema, but fortunately, the narrator character was suddenly depicted as an old man... and I was pretty sure it would end soon.

Well, it didn't. It lasted a while, the narrator took his sweet time talking about the fate of certain characters... which was absolutely mind-numbingly boring, because the characters never had anything in them to begin with. They were some weird 18th century Frenchie kung-fu fighters who didn't communicate with one another and made absolutely no impression on the viewers.

Actually, the only impressions this movie leaves to the viewer are the sheer length and costumes. When it finally ended, I felt like I had a bad dream.

Overall, it's not that awful, but don't plan on enjoying it without a remote. Don't feel guilty about skipping the dialogue - it's just decoration over a silly little movie.

C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America (2004)

Ignocumentary

[1/10 · 17 September 2007]

A mockumentary with an alternative history twist. Great idea, but the execution was incredibly poor and lazy.

The acting was simply horrible, probably among the worst ever seen outside 50's B horror movies. I kid you not.

The pacing was awkward, if this was a real documentary, nobody would go through its painfully boring parts.

Whoever wrote this has absolutely no knowledge about history. Sure, the message is valid... but the movie doesn't seem convincing at all. A lot of the events are so poorly thought-out, they only become annoying.

All the major events in US history are there, only with a little twist, sadly, the 'twist' has no grounds in reality ( even alternative reality ).

Final verdict: 2/10, only because the idea was good.

300 (2006)

1800 abs versus computer generated zombies

[2/10 · 31 March 2007]

I didn't expect much, but this movie delivered even less than that.

The movie is about 1800 abs who have a skirmish with some CGI zombies. It was directed by a faulty PlayStation, the screenplay was written by a computer virus which attacked the screenplay of the 300 comic book, the music was chosen by a broken iPod shuffle.

The story makes no sense, the actors have the charisma of Ewoks, the dialogues sound like that pirate from SpongeBob Squarepants, and the whole atmosphere of the movie is about as gritty as Britney Spears' early videos.

Too bad this poorly executed cartoon means we won't get to see a really good movie about ancient Greeks for a few decades.

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

Keep this away from children

[1/10 · 26 November 2005]

This movie appeared when I was about 12. At the time I was able to watch anything, but "Drop Dead Fred" was one of the few films I simply couldn't digest.

Many say that movie-going children should be protected from sex and violence on screen, but they're all wrong. Children should at all costs be protected from THIS film.

The brain-numbingly bad screenplay and terrible acting, pedestrian direction and an overall cheap appearance mix into a terrifyingly psychedelic mess of a film. The only reason why this isn't a C-grade horror or porn is cheap slapstick humor instead of gore or nudity.

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

emotional strangulation

[6/10 · 4 August 2005]

It's an "emotional manipulation for dummies" type of film, with boring direction and cardboard characters.

Nice performances by the actors though, some great moments, but nothing outside the "Hallmark meets Stephen King meets Prison" feel of the entire movie.

I saw it one and a half times, and would see it again only if I got paid for the trouble.

Similarly, I hated 'The Green Mile", only later did I find out it's the work of Darabont.

My recommendation: Skip this, and go see OZ again.