tjveil Reviews

A Christmas Carol (2012)

I'm sorry, but this is pretty amateurish...and it has bogus reviews to boot

[1/10 · 27 December 2021]

If this had been shot and performed for public access TV, you might be tempted to at least give it an E for effort.

But this "Christmas Carol" was obviously shot on a minuscule budget. Lots of still images, shots of skies, amateur acting and directing...you do have to ask, what was the point of this, when there are tons of versions of the story that are much, much better?

The description claims this is the darkest version of "A Christmas Carol" ever, but that actually belongs to FX's adaptation, which displays all the talent and creativity that are not found here.

Oh, and be suspicious, very suspicious, of the reviews here. Many of them contain the exact same passage:

"This is the darkest, most ghostly version of this story ever made. It stays true to the original feel of the Dickens story, while turning up the creepiness."

No it's not. Not by a long shot. But when you see that boilerplate inserted randomly in half the reviews you read, you know you're dealing with reviewers with an agenda.

I get no joy out of pillorying this movie, but I can't really say anything good about it. I wanted it to be a lot better than this. Check out the FX version if you want to see a dark adaptation done 100x better. (And no, I don't have an agenda for that movie; it just impressed the hell out of me.)

Between Two Worlds (1944)

Sidney Greenstreet (almost) saves this embarrassment

[4/10 · 10 December 2021]

This story of a group of people on their way to the Final Judgment, not realizing they are dead, has been made twice: originally as "Outward Bound", then as this film.

Set almost entirely aboard ship, it's made clear early to the audience, if not most of the characters, that they are all dead and on their way to heaven or hell. The characters are an assortment of types: a rich older couple, a wise guy reporter, a blustery business tycoon, and so on.

Some may consider the entire basic concept hokey, but that's not the problem. The problem is the dialogue. If you had to choose one movie which you assumed served as the screenwriting inspiration for the infamous Ed Wood, it would have to be this one. Lines which aspire to convey great moral or philosophical import come out almost comically bad. One almost expects Mike, Crow and Tom Servo to pop up at the bottom of the screen to lambaste these corny lines with their own unique brand of sarcastic repartee.

Regrettably, Paul Henreid suffers these indignities the worst. Do yourself a favor: don't watch "Casablanca" and then this film. You will just end up pitying Henreid for having to go from such great material to the relatively lame words he's given here.

But surprise! As we slog toward the climax, expecting the cheese to get stinkier than ever, along comes Sidney Greenstreet to brighten up the entire movie and infuse it with a level of gravitas previously unseen. And while it's unclear why his scenes exhibit such a suddenly heightened level of subtlety and finesse (beyond his considerable acting skills), he almost single-handedly saves this movie from forgettable mediocrity.

Though it's almost impossible to find anywhere, you could do worse than try to catch a variation of this basic premise, a 1972 TV movie (of all things) called "Haunts of the Very Rich" from a short story by T. K. Brown. Though unrelated to the first two films, it's a much more sophisticated development of the same basic idea.

Cats (2019)

Yes, this is one of those films that's way better than the reviews

[8/10 · 4 April 2021]

Prior to seeing "Cats" on HBO the other day, all I knew about it was that it was a successful stage musical, but got savaged as a movie. That never made sense to me.

It still doesn't. "Cats" is a lively, endearing, sung presentation of T. S. Eliot's poems explaining the different personalities of cats and why they do what they do. There's a through plot about the group of cats known as Jellicles gathering together to see which one will be chosen for rebirth. You'll meet characters like Asparagus (aka Gus), a theatrical cat past his prime; Mr. Mestoffelees, a magical cat; Macavity, a devious cat who's meant as a clear analog to Professor Moriarty; Victoria, the cat who gets taken in when she's dumped by her owner; and of course Old Deuteronomy, the venerable cat who has final say on who goes to their heavenly reward and comes back.

Andrew Lloyd Webber's songs are as good as you'd expect, particularly the upbeat "Mr. Mestophelees", Jennifer Hudson's "Memories", and a funny, jazzy show stopper piece about the nefarious Macavity.

Two of the actors in particular should be praised. Francesca Hayward as Victoria delivers a beautiful, sensitive performance as our eyes into the cat world. And Dame Judi Dench...is there nothing she can't play? She doesn't get to do much for the bulk of the film, but makes up for it with a touching, big-hearted turn as wise Old Deuteronomy. The two of them at the end of the film are wonderful together.

Now, if you need to be convinced that so many of the bad reviews are just trolling, consider how many of them are rated 1. There is way too much good music, talent and beauty in this movie to rank it that low--especially when it's in many ways identical to the hit play from which it derives.

Some of the complaints I've seen (on YouTube and other places) are just ridiculous. With the possible exception of the opening scene where Victoria is dropped off on the street, the CG is fine. It's not supposed to be photorealistic, any more than the actors are supposed to spend the entire movie walking on all fours. The makeup work is far better than anything you'll see on the stage. And the silliest complaint of all? "Cats with breasts? LOL." Oh, give me a break. Like the stage version was performed by an all-male cast or something.

Give it a shot and see if you're not entertained. After it's over the song "Macavity" will be stuck in your head.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022)

Starts slow, but then if feels like the good old days!

[8/10 · 17 April 2017]

Rejoice, MiSTies! The Satellite of Love is back, and so is the Gizmonic Institute and all of those terrible movies we love to make fun of!

Under the guidance of Joel Hodgson, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return feels like old times. Sure, some things are different. Of course the cast is new, with Jonah Ray taking over command as Jonah Heston, this edition's poor hapless guy who's being tortured with bad movies. His companions are the same (primarily Crow and Tom Servo), but they're voiced by different people (Hampton Yount and Baron Vaughn, respectively). And the Mads (mad scientists) are new as well, with Dr. Forrester's daughter Kinga (Felicia Day) taking over, ineptly assisted by TV's son of TV's Frank (Patton Oswald).

You may need to adjust your set... just a little. We actually get to see poor Jonah's "origin" story...and amusingly, due to crappy recording technology, he has to literally act it out every episode. But at first it's a little jarring to hear the theme song grind to a halt right in the middle.

And whereas the old series used to show silly bits over the opening theme, the new one shows Jonah's kidnapping as a smug Kinga sings about how she'll send him cheesy movies, the worst she can find. Yes, with minor modifications, it's still the same catchy, loopy song. Cha-ching!

There are a few other things to get used to. Gypsy's throaty falsetto voice has been replaced by a midwest woman, and of course Tom and Crow sound different.

And the most important part, the movies? Well, they're actually improved. They're more recent and in color, but they're still B-movies. I have to admit being concerned that the series got off to a REALLY slow start with the first episode's riffs on "Reptilicus". I don't think I laughed once during Jonah and the 'bots' mockery, because the writing just was unfunny, weak, and frankly kind of desperate. Things improved in episode 2, and by episode 3 there were genuine belly laughs to be had. Guess it took them a while to get back into the groove of things.

So if you're still wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts, repeat to yourselves it's just a show -- you should really just relax.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is back!