communistgodzilla Reviews

Universal Soldier (1992)

Soldier of Facetiousness

[7/10 · 29 December 2007]

Universal Soldier pits two 1990s B-movie action titans (Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren) against each other in a sci-fi action epic, that while extremely dumb at times, manages to be an entertaining romp just the same.

The start of Universal Soldier takes us back to 1969, to the Vietnam war: GI Luc Devereaux (Van Damme) tries to stop his crazed sergeant, Andrew Scott (Lundgren) from killing some Vietnamese villagers; in the ensuing mayhem, Devereaux and Scott end up killing each other.

Flash-forward to the present: Devereaux and Scott have been brought back to life - sort of - as part of the Universal Soldier program, an elite, top-secret outfit that goes around thwarting terrorists and whatnot. Each of the Universal Soldiers ("UniSols" for short) have no memory of their past lives; they're basically zombie-like puppets following orders over a radio.

After taking down some terrorists at Nevada's Hoover Dam, Luc's memory is triggered and he has flashbacks to his previous life. One thing leads to another, and soon Luc is on the run with a plucky TV news reporter (Ally Walker) in tow; hot on their trail are the rest of the Universal Soldiers: the commanders want to get their property back and keep the collateral damage to a minimum, but Scott views Devereaux as a deserter and a traitor and wants him dead. Hmmm, it seems like someone else is remembering the good old days...

What follows from here are a series of gun battles, chases, vehicular mayhem, fist-fights, and massive explosions as Luc tries to figure out his past and get home, while Scott tries to spoil the party. Everything is basically a setup for the inevitable big martial-arts finale between the two stars, and while the action in Universal Soldier isn't revolutionary, it's well-staged and choreographed by director Roland Emmerich, and there's lots of it. Universal Soldier has some flaws, but being boring isn't one of them.

What else Universal Soldier has going for it is a sense of humor, which helps gloss over some of holes in the Terminator-styled plot. Universal Soldier is a funny movie at times, thanks in no small part to Lundgren's over-the-top villain turn; he's surprisingly effective in the "heavy" role, gleefully giving it his all. Universal Soldier would have been a considerably weaker movie if Lundgren wasn't in it. Try not to laugh during Lundgren's big monologue in the grocery store; kudos to the director for allowing the store's muzak to keep playing during this Oscar-worthy clip.

Van Damme is funny too, albeit in a deadpan/earnest kind of way. He's more of the straight man in this one; a wise choice, as it keeps his wooden thespian tendencies in the background. His scene in the roadside diner - where he "just wants to eat" - is probably the most humorous bit in the movie, though.

It's hard to tell how much of the comedy in Universal Soldier is intentional, but an action movie with a sense of humor is only a good thing.

Universal Soldier has a mostly-solid mix of action and laughs, but it does fall down in other areas, like plotting and acting. The storyline is predictable, with its main themes being lifted from better flicks like RoboCop and The Terminator. There are also logic gaps and plot holes that are kind of hard to ignore.

In the acting department, save for Lundgren and Walker, no one really registers; sure, nobody watches Van Damme and Lundgren movies for the great emoting, but most of the secondary characters in Universal Soldier are one-note archetypes (nerdy scientists, hot-headed commander, redneck sheriff, etc.) who don't get much development or meaningful dialog.

Still, Universal Soldier is a mostly-effective action flick that should satisfy fans of movies like this.

Darkness Falls (2003)

The Tooth Hurts

[6/10 · 29 August 2006]

'Darkness Falls' is horror/suspense movie with an unusual villain: the Tooth Fairy. The film is dumb, silly, and full of plot holes and lapses in logic, but it works often enough to make it a decent view for fans of fright flicks who don't expect the moon each time they rent a DVD.

According to an extended prologue, the town of Darkness Falls is cursed by the vengeful spirit of Matilda Dixon, a woman dubbed "The Tooth Fairy" because she would give children gold coins when they lost their baby teeth. However, Dixon was wrongly accused of killing two children, and was hung by a lynch mob. Before she died, she vowed revenge on the town. When the children of Darkness Falls lose their last tooth, the Tooth Fairy comes calling, and if the children look at her, she'll kill them. The wraith-like Matilda hates the light, and can only move about in total darkness.

While the movie never explains just how many children have fallen victim to The Tooth Fairy, one child does survive a Tooth Fairy attack, but not without paying a price: in a fairly tense opening scene, young Kyle avoids the wrath of the Tooth Fairy after spotting her, but his mother isn't so lucky; she dies at the hands of Matilda. The death is pinned on Kyle, and he is sent away from Darkness Falls by the authorities. Of course, no one believes him about what happened, except for the girl he had a crush on.

Flash ahead several years: Kyle, now grown, lives in Las Vegas (clever touch). One day he gets a call from his childhood sweetheart, who believes her young brother is being harassed by the Tooth Fairy. Naturally, no one believes him either. Kyle decides to face his demon, and returns to Darkness Falls to try and help. But Matilda is waiting for him, and she wants his last tooth...

So, the premise for 'Darkness Falls' isn't too bad, and the film-makers have some fun playing on our fears of fond childhood icons gone bad, coupled with a universal fear of the dark (yes, there's a power failure that plunges the town into darkness during the climatic scenes). There are a few decent fright scenes too, most notably one in a darkened hospital, and the final sequence at a lighthouse is handled well. Since the movie is rated PG-13, there's no gratuitous gore or violence, meaning 'Darkness Falls' has to try and get by on suspense and creepy atmosphere (the moody cinematography helps here). At this it's moderately successful, even though it's not a very scary movie.

What 'Darkness Falls' is though, is dumb. Very, very dumb. The numerous plot holes and inconsistencies are very hard to overlook, and the film-makers are constantly changing the rules as to who Matilda is and what she can and can't do. Is she a monster, or an evil spirit? Sometimes she can fly, sometimes she can't, and there are other times when she attacks people who don't look at her. Sometimes light harms her, other times it doesn't, even though the movie stresses that she doesn't like any light at all, even if it's very low. This is the kind of movie that will drive discriminating viewers nuts, since it just doesn't hold up to even moderate scrutiny; apparently the script was written on slices of Swiss cheese.

The movie is heavily padded as well: the opening prologue takes up several minutes of screen-time, and the closing credits eat up several more, leaving us with a little over an hour of "real" movie to watch ('Darkness Falls' has a running time of around 85 minutes). The editing is haphazard in places too, sometimes making it hard to follow what's going on during some of the more involved action sequences.

'Darkness Falls' isn't a great movie, but as an undemanding fright flick that doesn't require much thought, it delivers the goods in workmanlike fashion. Turn off your brain, and stay in the light...

Poseidon (2006)

Beyond 'The Poseidon Adventure'

[6/10 · 27 August 2006]

Since Hollywood loves remakes, it seemed inevitable that the campy (yet enduring) '70s classic 'The Poseidon Adventure' would get a big budget do-over. While 'Poseidon' (the remake) has its moments, it doesn't really measure up to the original movie.

The plots of both movies (based on a novel by Paul Gallico) are similar: just after New Year's Eve, a gigantic wave slams into the luxury liner "Poseidon," and capsizes it. With their world literally turned upside-down, a group of survivors try to reach the surface before the ship sinks. Only now the ship is a slowly-sinking deathtrap, with catastrophe lurking around every corner. Who will survive? Who will die? Which unlucky character will sacrifice themselves so that others may live?

'The Poseidon Adventure' is well-known for its colorful cast of strong actors, who created memorable characters that audiences cared about. 'Poseidon' has some good actors (Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas, Richard Dreyfuss, Jacinda Barrett, Andre Braugher) in its cast, but they have little to do here except look scared: they have one or two traits mentioned in passing, and that's it. You'll be hard-pressed to even remember some of their names once the credits start rolling. With so little characterization, it's hard to empathize with the plight these people face; the audience may as well be watching attractive stunt people going through their paces (to the movie's credit though, it looks like the actors did most of their own stunts).

And make no mistake, 'Poseidon' is positively plight-filled: once the wave strikes the ship at around the 15-minute mark, it's pretty much non-stop action right to the end, as our protagonists dodge explosions, survive floods, swing across fiery chasms, swim long distances through flooded passageways filled with debris, and more. 'Poseidon' certainly isn't a boring movie, and director Wolfgang Petersen does give us some good scenes here and there, most notably one in a rapidly-flooding ventilation shaft. But once again, with such cardboard characters, it's hard to get really involved with this movie, and some of the inane situations and plot holes don't help matters either: for example, how does the kid manage to get himself stuck in a dog carrier? Why are the propellers of the ship still spinning full-blast at the end of the movie? How do some of the characters know the layout of a ship they've never been on before? The movie doesn't take the time to explain any of this, which will leave you scratching your head at best, or laughing when you shouldn't be at worst.

'Poseidon' isn't a totally bad movie: there's lots of action, stunts and well-done special effects sequences for fans of that sort of thing, and a few scenes manage to be gripping, even if only briefly. And with a lean running time of 97 minutes, 'Poseidon' wastes no time making its point. But the weak script, dumb dialog, and paper-thin characters ultimately sink the film. Action fans and fans of 'The Poseidon Adventure' may want to check this out for curiosity's sake. Just don't be surprised if you can't remember anything about the movie once it ends.

The Thing (1982)

'I know I'm human.'

[9/10 · 28 July 2005]

John Carpenter's remake of 'The Thing' was buried at the box office by another visitor from outer space that went by the name of 'E.T.' But the passage of time has seen this movie gain a serious following thanks to home video, and many people now view 'The Thing' as one of the all-time great horror/sci-fi films.

A group of researchers at an Antarctic science facility are unwittingly exposed to an alien organism that has the ability to perfectly imitate any life form it comes in contact with. As the gravity of the situation becomes frighteningly obvious, and with no way of contacting the outside world, the men struggle to determine who's human and who isn't, as the alien life form slowly moves through their ranks, taking them over one by one.

As an exercise in paranoia, 'The Thing' works very well. The characters don't know who to trust, and neither do we. With the exception of one scene early on, no one is shown being 'taken over' by the Thing, meaning anyone could not be all that they appear to be. In the original film, the monster was a visible, hostile menace. In the remake, the monster can look and act like your friend, much like in the original short story both movies were based on. Carpenter gets maximum mileage from this concept, milking the paranoia and dread for all it's worth.

But still, this is a horror movie at heart, and horror fans won't be disappointed. While the Thing prefers to stay hidden and secretive, there are numerous scenes where it is drawn into the open and/or revealed, and the end results aren't pretty. These sequences are startling and gruesomely imaginative, thanks to the shocking make-up effects done by youthful special effects wizard Rob Bottin; some of the things he comes up are bizarre and frightening (check out that 'spider-head'), and these scenes still hold up, even by today's standards. On the basis of these sequences, lots of critics dismissed 'The Thing' as a snowbound 'Alien' clone, but that's not an accurate assessment, although there are some similarities.

Still, there are other scenes where the movie is effective: the opening scene with the helicopter is mysterious and strange, and the exploration of an abandoned camp where unspeakable things happened is eerie and haunting. The 'blood test' scene is very suspenseful, and the payoff will make you leap from your chair. The ending of 'The Thing' is refreshingly downbeat and bleak, and is a nice change from all those 'happy' endings we've had to endure.

'The Thing' has improved with age; what was once dismissed as a 'freak show' has evolved into a classic horror/science-fiction movie.

The Blob (1988)

Beware! The Remake!

[7/10 · 28 July 2005]

The old Steve McQueen 'classic' gets a full-on '80s-style horror makeover, and the end result is pretty decent, especially if you're a horror fan.

Having not seen the original movie, I don't how faithful this 'Blob' remake is, but the premise is the same: a vile, shapeless alien life form crashes to earth, and proceeds to eat everyone in sight, getting bigger and bigger as it goes along. The military is called in to stop the menace, but are ineffective; luckily the small town of Arborville has some plucky, rebellious teenagers around to save the day.

Seeing as how this movie was made with modern technology, the special effects in 'The Blob' are much more advanced than they were in the original flick, and this leads to some fairly startling gross-out sequences. The creature is much faster and deadlier than the original monster, although it does look fake at times. The titular beast is fairly nasty too, and has a habit of eating characters you'd expect to survive a movie like this, which helps keep things a bit unpredictable; the film-makers show some guts, as not even kids are spared the wrath of the Blob. The Blob may have even eaten a dog or two, but I can't be certain about that.

In between the numerous special effects sequences, the story manages to stay fairly interesting, albeit a bit predictable, especially if you've seen a lot of horror films. The origin of the creature has a bit of twist to it, which is nice. Still, people won't be watching 'The Blob' for the gripping story, but rather for the scenes where the Blob goes to town, and the movie doesn't disappoint here. Highlight sequences include a Blob rampage in a crowded movie theater, an eventful hospital stay where the Blob performs drastic, life-altering surgery on a couple of folks, and a bit at a diner that features a great - and surprising - death scene.

'The Blob' was overlooked in theaters when originally released, but thanks to home video, horror fans can now check it out from the comfort of their own couch. While not as good as the '80s horror remakes of 'The Thing' and 'The Fly', 'The Blob' holds its own. The final scene even sets up a sequel! You can't get much more '80s than that.

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the video store.

[7/10 · 27 July 2005]

If 'Jaws' and 'Alien' had a baby, that baby would probably look a lot like Deep Blue Sea', a big, loud, dumb action movie that doesn't try to pretend to be anything else. It's short on logic, the dialog is dumb, most of the actors don't seem to be trying very hard, and the science is dubious at best, but despite all that, 'Deep Blue Sea' manages to entertain.

The plot of the movie is simple: a group of scientists at an undersea research facility are on the verge of discovering a cure for Alhzheimer's disease. How? By meddling about with the brains of live sharks (don't ask). Things are going swimmingly, until Mother Nature grows tired of having some of her creations tampered with. One typhoon and several gratuitous explosions later, the scientists find themselves cut off from the surface of the facility and at the mercy of a group of sharks that are smarter than the average fish. It seems that those meddling scientists made the sharks smart, and they're about to pay for their folly. With the base flooding and sharks roaming the corridors, the survivors find themselves in a race for survival.

For the most part, 'Deep Blue Sea' works fairly well, and there are some good jolts and action sequences, but at the same there's nothing here that's particularly fresh. However, there is one death that is so unexpected and surprising, you might find yourself hitting the 'back' button on the DVD remote to make sure you weren't seeing things.

'Deep Blue Sea' is not an actor's movie, but most of the cast acquits itself fairly well. Rapper LL Cool J does a good job with what could be a clichéd character (the religious man who struggles with his faith under dire circumstances), and injects the role with humanity and humor. He also has a very memorable encounter with a shark in a kitchen. Thomas Jane has the 'action hero' part, and he's solid, but unspectacular. Saffron Burrowes is okay as the lead scientist, and she's not above stripping down to her undies if the situation calls for it. But once again, no one will be watching 'Deep Blue Sea' for the acting. The sharks are the stars, and everyone involved with the movie knows that.

'Deep Blue Sea' is not a classic movie, but it delivers in its own modest way. If you can't get enough movies about people and the sharks that eat them, you can do much worse than this.