pomeu-63850 Reviews

Deadbolt (2024)

What a twist...

[5/10 · 16 May 2024]

... Not. This Tubi special is anything but. It's a psychological thriller of the blandest kind. If this movie were a meal, it would be crock pot tofu. Slow to get done and severely lacking in flavor.

The main character is a standout and any positive that can be heaped on this movie should come through this actress, who is the best thing going for this very simple story. The story is so very thin and very little happens. And the less said about the other actors the better.

The twist is absolutely shocking. Shockingly obvious to the point that during the last 45 minutes of the movie I wanted to yell at the TV. It's him. C'mon, it's him. Can't you see it's HIM? Maybe that's what they were going for.

All in all, it's a watchable little trifle. No nudity, very little violence. A beginner's thriller, if you will.

Mooo, meow meow oink.

Come Play (2020)

Directed by an autistic kid?

[2/10 · 1 April 2024]

This movie is insulting. The current rating of 5.8 is baffling, because there's very little to redeem this inferior and ineptly directed thinly veiled allegory for... online child predators?

There's no tension, the scares are pathetic and the director cannot build an effective scene. Also, nobody acts remotely rationally in this movie. Also, the monster's powers are all over the place. Also, the CGI is laughable. Also, the actor who plays the dad is awful. Also, it relies 100% in jump scares. Also, the scene with the TV is one of the most heavy handed pieces of exposition ever. Also, also, also.

I wish I'd never clicked on this. Now I need a friend.

Moooooo. Meow, meow, lick.

The Lost Boys (1987)

Not that bad, ripe for remake

[1/10 · 17 March 2024]

I have seen this movie a handful of times and every single time I hope that this is the time I will finally get it, I'll get on the bandwagon and finally enjoy it. But it's impossible. This piece of turd has some of the worst dialogue this side of the Twilight saga.

It's almost like they tried purposely to make every single thing that come out of the characters' mouths to be as cringey as possible.

Also, the two Coreys. Who wants to watch pre-teens make bad jokes and fight vampires? Why are 13 year olds like the Frog brothers so eager and ready to kill? Why 2 Frog brothers? That second kid is absolutely useless.

Is it a one star movie? No, it's more like 4 or 5. There are some cool things going on. Mostly that hot sax player. But my wife absolutely hated the fact that this hot garbage crap of a movie was rated over 7 and threatened to create an account to rate it a 1 star. "To bring the rating closer to reality." So I'm saving her the trouble.

Meow Meow Moo Miooooiii.

Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)

Dysfunctional

[6/10 · 16 December 2023]

"You know that thing where the audience thinks the killer is down, but he comes back? What if we did that, but like, 89 times?"

There's a lot of yelling in this movie. Imagine a lot, add 59 and then double it. This guy's idea of creating conflict is to have ALL characters shout and bicker with one another at all possible, impossible and unlikely times. Have them use the eff word on every single sentence and be as disagreeable at they can. It's frankly a relief when there's only one person left and the dialogue ends

Now the good. He's quite a kinetic and interesting director and the film is definitely propulsive and compelling. It also looks like it has a bigger budget than it probably did. I also do enjoy how this Santa robot just comes to life with no explanation or silly backstory. The soundtrack is pretty solid, if unimaginative.

But since there is no known motivation, no end game, the movie does become one long chase scene. Why is he chasing her? What does it want? Where is everybody in this town? Since there are no answers, it becomes impossible to care.

It's a cool movie, but too flawed to become a classic.

See for Me (2021)

I got it

[7/10 · 15 November 2023]

I can see how people find the lead character annoying. But what I saw was a young person who's had her life shattered and taken away from her. Understandably, she's a little bitter and still dealing with that. I guess people want her to lose her sight, her Olympic dreams and still be sweet as pie, so they can feel better.

The fact that the main character was corruptible and unpredictable made it far more interesting than a by the numbers, woman in peril thriller.

It challenges you to think about how you perceive somebody, be it for their appearance, their age, their handicap, or gender. If you disliked the character despite all of that, you're probably a good person. Because the protagonist, despite all her fragility, is probably the worst of the bunch. She lies, steals,maims, and kills multiple people. And somehow she still gets the happy ending. And part of the loot.

I appreciate when there's a deviation from the norm. Hail creativity. She's a malevolent badass and thankfully she's also fictional, so chill out.

Meow.

Eye See You (2002)

On the edge

[5/10 · 15 November 2023]

You know those really good movies for which you read the trivia and it says: "Stallone was considered for the role of the protagonist", like say, Se7en or Die Hard, and you think: thank God he didn't get that part? Well, he got this part. So what could have been a great movie is now a Sly joint.

What is it about the role of a man unfairly put into a jail that attracts this man so much? I can think of at least 4 other Sly movies with that plot device, though there are probably more. Whatever it is, Stallone loves escaping from confinement, that's for sure.

His acting here is some of his best, to be sure. There's also a lot of solid character actors doing some serious scenery chewing, in the best way. But unfortunately, there are a few things that drag this movie down.

One, how preposterous and impossible the setup is. Like the killer is somehow able to torture, kill, and pose a victim in less than 2 minutes without leaving a single fiber behind. Or somehow hang a man outside, in the middle of nowhere in WY, not a tree in sight, during a blinding snow blizzard.

Or Stallone insisting on performing acts that defy physics to be the action star that he is. Like lifting a full grown man over his head and throwing him around across the room. We get it, Sly, you're so macho.

This movie without the action star nonsense could have been quite suspenseful. Instead of a super cop, he could have been a regular FBI agent. Instead of a abandoned military bunker facility, we'd have an isolated cabin. Instead of ridiculous Jason Vorhees body reveals, more realistic murders. And the hero figuring out who the killer is in a way that made sense and was, I don't know, clever? That would have been nice.

This is like a monster with the head of an owl and the head of a tiger.

Oh well. Moooo, raw, meow, meow.

A Good Marriage (2014)

Dud

[3/10 · 29 October 2023]

If this movie was an attempt at coitus, it would be the limp d_ck. What a wet noodle of a film. This story does not feck.

Here, I'll save you 100 minutes of your life. Spoilers. Husband is a serial killer. Wife finds out his dirty secret. Husband finds out that she knows he's the infamous Beadie killer. They agree to just let it go and go on with life.

But wife can't just let it go and she kills him. Makes it look like an accident. The end. But not quite. There's an old detective sniffing around and he knows. She confesses to him. He says, okay, whatever. The end. Now for reals.

Basically, every time there's an ounce of suspense, it gets deflated neatly and without excitement. The major question begged here is: why the hell did I watch this movie?

Moooooooo. Eek. Meow.

Cobweb (2023)

Points for originality

[5/10 · 28 October 2023]

Tough movie. The beginning is so slow, boring and oppressively sad that I wanted to turn it off. This film does not have a single moment of levity, despite having been produced by comedy superstars. That must have been some dark weed they were smoking.

And then the movie starts getting creepy and weird and we're still not sure where it's going. Are the parents evil, is the little girl lying, is the boy just dreaming all of this?

But in the third act most of these questions get answers, via a spectacular train wreck of a screenplay. We accelerate from boring, to confusing, to creepy, to crappy at breakneck speed and we do not stick the landing.

The girl in the wall is a supernatural banshee and a wall crawling shift-shaping demon who can literally liquefy teenagers at will, unless she's just a girl who's been kept in a cage and can be easily restrained by pulling on her hair. She's all that and an unresolved ending. Points for being different, though. Ish.

Moooo, long moo, short moo, cuckaw, meow.

The House at the End of Time (2013)

Good for Venezuela

[5/10 · 25 October 2023]

I am happy for Venezuela for having produced a film seen around the world. I hope they keep making movies that move their art forward and elevate their long suffering people.

Having said that, this is a primitive and derivative attempt at making a horror movie that borrows a little from telenovelas and a lot from old American horror movies. From the old haunted house, to the microfiche, the funeral scene, and so on.

There are some nifty twists that transform this movie from ho-hum low-budget foreign feature to Hollywood remake candidate. This may very well be one of the few times in which am American remake betters the source material. Just need to patch some plot holes and inconsistencies and write some decent dialogue.

Meow, meow, meooiiiiw.

Extreme Measures (1996)

What ambiguity?

[6/10 · 22 October 2023]

This is an average movie, maybe slightly above. The plot is too slight to have this slow pacing. It's pretty simple, so I'm having a hard time remembering how they filled those two hours.

I hate to point out plot holes, but I haven't seen anybody mention two that really jumped out at me. The first one being the mole people. Out of the thousands of homeless people in NYC, I would guess those would be just about the hardest and most dangerous ones to get. Makes no sense.

The second being that once Hackman's research was successful, how the eff was he going to explain it to the FDA and the medical board? Did he just want to open a clinic called BACKS R' US and hope nobody asked how he made this discovery?

Also, there is no ethics dilemma here. If you think there is, maybe you didn't finish the movie. Because Hugh Grant spells it out very succinctly: it is not okay to experiment on people without their knowledge and consent. If you think there is really a big dilemma here, consult a doctor.

Hypnotic (2023)

A few dominoes short

[4/10 · 30 September 2023]

This movie should have come out in 1998, when it would have been amazing. In 2023, it's simply pitiful. I came so very close to turning it off about a third of the way in, thinking this was one of the worst movies I had seen in years. But I stuck with it and I'm glad I did. It made feel relieved to know that RR is not a complete hack has-been just yet. In the end, he just bit off more than he could chew with a crew of family members. Not even a huge budget could help pull off this messy, outdated superhero of the mind, franchise wannabe. Let this one die.

Meow meow oink moo moo, barf, awooga.

The Funhouse (1981)

Some things going for it

[3/10 · 3 September 2023]

This movie is not good, but it's not baaaaad either. It's mostly really boring. You could cut out large chunks of it and it would make no difference. In fact, the first twenty eight minutes are absolutely unnecessary. If you walked in at that time you'd completely understand what was happening, because nothing that comes before is remotely relevant. The Funhouse, contrary to its name, takes itself too seriously - a symptom of that time.

On the positive side, Tobe Hooper conjures up some cool visuals and the soundtrack is really quite good. And despite all its flaws, there's something about this movie that stays with you.

This one is perfect fodder for a remake, it has good bones, all it needs is some fleshing out. Oink, meow, oink, oink. Meow.

Evil Dead Rise (2023)

So?

[3/10 · 26 July 2023]

Here's the story: woman gets possessed, starts stalking and trying to kill her family. I assume that's all it is, cause I ain't gonna finish this piece of turd. How is connected to the Evil Dead? Oh, there's an earthquake, some kids find a version of the necronomicon and play a record which awakens a generic demon.

I didn't enjoy the first remake; it was too torture-porny for me. Gross for the sake of gross. But this one was impossible to remain interested in. I didn't care about any of the characters, so if they died I'd be like, okay! There wasn't any fear either, it was strangely flat. No atmosphere, I think. The movie, much like its opening scene, just starts and we're off. No building, just gone.

Evil Dead used to be cool. Now it's just an IP. Sad moo, teary meow.

Radius (2017)

Pretty great

[7/10 · 18 July 2023]

This movie has a pretty great premise and it's executed pretty well, but falls just short of being excellent. It's surprising that it hasn't been reshot with a bigger budget by a major studio. Not that it needs a much bigger production budget, but it does need more money talent.

Particularly, writers who could flesh out the characters a bit and beef up the dialogue. (Holy meat metaphors). And fix, most of all, the lazy ending.

Spoiler Making one of the main characters a vile serial killer is a huge mistake, which punishes the viewers for becoming invested into this person. Not to mention that it robbs his killing in the end of any emotional heft. But even if the filmmakers had not done that, having him take the easiest way out was one of the worst possible endings.

These are the types of films that should be remade. Not near-perfect cinema like Casablanca, but ones which are so close to greatness.

Mucho oink, oink, such meow meow.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Is Jason a virgin?

[5/10 · 2 July 2023]

The cast in this movie feels all wrong. Like they were shooting an angsty teenage sex comedy in the studio next door and one day they walked into the Jason shoot by accident. And then there's a random family with a mini-Shelly kid and two women. On top of that there's a strange camping Jason-hunter who's out there trying to kill the masked monster. Three uncohesive, unrelated, uninteresting grups who are very hard to care about. Actually, I never wanted a character to die so much as I did with Teddy.

The beginning where they take Jason's body to the hospital and he comes back to life, kills some staff and escapes, is a direct rip off of Halloween 2. Which is sad.

But if the young cast is wrong, this is the first time they got Jason right. Finally we have here all the elements come together perfectly. The mask, the outfit, the physicality and menace that Kane Hodder brought to the role and which defined the character. When people think about Jason Voorhees, this is what they picture.

The final fights are also the best so far in the series. Far more interesting than the first 3. I think that's why so many people consider this the best one of the bunch, because it finishes so strong. But I can't forget the messy 60 minutes that come first Oink.

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Better

[5/10 · 2 July 2023]

Solid sequel, easily one of the best entries in this franchise. Since it has better pacing and it's more fun, I find this movie to be better than the original. It is, in fact, probably the best Friday out of the first four.

Steve Miner achieves this by taking a straight forward route to his storytelling. He introduces the kids, we get to know them, and slowly Jason starts taking them out one by one. That's the formula. Also, this is quite possibly the best cast, with the most chemistry and charisma. And the most beautiful final girl: Muffin.

Seeing Jason still with the potato sack over his face and the farmer's overalls is quite a turn off, though, and those details make it so Jason is the most disappointing aspect of this Jason movie. It's kind of like having a Titanic movie where the ship is a canoe.

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

Meh

[4/10 · 20 April 2023]

Not the best, not the worst, certainly not the funniest or most exciting. The pacing is slooooooow. Very often did I find myself reaching for the phone, looking for a distraction. It does have a clever script and it's well acted, but it could have double the action in half the time. And while it does take some creative flights, it borrows very heavily from A Nightmare on Elm Street. It's practically Freddy Krueger in a prom dress, with a lot of the same effects and dream sequences. There's also a touch of exorcism, incest, and of course, Carrie.

The writer threw everything in a blender and whipped it up in the slowest speed available.

Scream VI (2023)

Emo Scream

[4/10 · 19 March 2023]

The framework is there, but they've sucked all the joy out of it. There's barely any humor in this one. Oh, there are attempts, but I didn't hear anybody laughing in the theater.

Moving the movie to NYC and making it grittier and, I hate to say it, über woke, did nothing to improve on it. The talk of feelings, the heavy-handed attempts at empowerment, and general sensitivity training just made the movie feel terribly dull. The first 40 min of this movie absolutely drag.

Also, there's no character development. I've seen cartoons that were more fleshed out. Deaths have zero weight because who cares? What little time we spend with these Velma-level characters does little to endear them to us.

Who knew that Neve Campbell was the sane one out of the bunch? She must have read the script and realized that it would be okay to sit this one out. Neve was right. Skip.

Meoooooow.

M3GAN (2022)

Weird, outlandish, unfun

[5/10 · 5 March 2023]

There's lots of positive notes here, I think. The movie struck a chord, culturally and a sequel must have been green lit after a week in theaters. And maybe sequels will be a good thing, because none of the very interesting ramifications of creating a sentient AI being are addressed or discussed in this one. Maybe that can be explored in M3gan 8 - Clone of M3gan.

It was really hard to get into it not fully understanding how a computer program decided to turn evil, for no discernible reason. We get why Chucky is bad - he's possessed by an evil serial killer. If an AI robot becomes evil, do we hate it, or its program, or its programmers?

Also, why does M3gan have about an much power as Thanos with the infinity gauntlet? She's able to control the internet, cars, and probably submarines off the coast of Turkey if she wanted to.

Worse yet, why doesn't anything interesting happen in this damn movie??? 5 stars for how good it all looks onscreen and for the premise.

Many oinks, few meows. Rawr.

Past Midnight (1991)

If

[3/10 · 23 February 2023]

If Quentin Tarantino really wrote this movie, this is easily his worst cinematic endeavor.

Clearly, this story was written by frustrated men-children who don't have a clue how women's minds work. Somehow, a social worker falls in love with a hobo-looking older ex-con who not only acts like he's special needs, but also threatens her from day 1. What a Don Juan.

Hauer's character is the least likeable protagonist since WW2 movies about Hitler. Whether he killed his wife or not, he's a menacing jerk who stalks his social worker.

On top of that, the movie is poorly edited. Scenes jump around without warning, leaving the viewer to figure out how she's in her living room one minute and then waking up somewhere else entirely.

She never calls the cops when she should and by the end I was really hoping she'd get stabbed to death. Alas, we get a bizarre ending where the killer vomits a whole different movie on top of our damsel, which, frankly, might have made a much better movie than Past Midnight.

Get out of the house right meow! Oink oink.

Sleeping with the Enemy (1991)

Boring

[6/10 · 22 February 2023]

Does a lot of things right, but it doesn't thrill, it doesn't charm, and it's just full of dull moments. It captures the paranoia of an abusive relationship and there's no respite from the tension of the high stakes gamble that Julia Roberts' character pulls off.

But the casting of such a radiant bright star such as Julia Roberts puts too much on the shoulders of Kevin Anderson, who's just not up on the same level. Not even in the same universe. She's acting in a Hollywood film, he's a discount hunk in a Lifetime movie. Zero chemistry. Their relationship sparkles like a drugstore ring. Patrick Bergin, on the other hand, is awesomely creepy and perfectly cast.

To be better, this movie needed to be longer. Everything happened very quickly and easily. Her abuse, her fake death, her escape, her meeting another guy, the ex finding her, bang-bang and goodnight.

Goat, bash, frog, moon, meow, meow.

The Price We Pay (2022)

Torture porn

[1/10 · 11 February 2023]

The first half hour is inviting, intriguing almost, even if the dialogue is straight out of an 80's action flick. Okay, pal?

But once the family arrives at the ranch, the movie devolves quickly and exceptionally. First, by going with the lowest possible denominator, torture porn. A training ground for practical effects teams, as well as the refuge of smaller and/or damaged minds. One has to wonder what would make somebody enjoy it.

And then after some minutes of that, things get resolved rather easily and ridiculously. In fact, 40 minutes in the movie does away with all logic and just tries to push the shock all the way to 11. No story, just juvenile drivel.

Buried Alive (1990 TV Movie)

Don't believe the hype

[5/10 · 5 February 2023]

Grade A cast with a C- script. I mean, it makes no sense whatsoever. The nicest guy in the world gets buried alive and becomes a Hellraiser's Pinhead-level torturer and Property-Brothers-meets-Leonardo da Vinci-on-Cocaine master builder. Could that have happened? I guess, but it would be nice if the filmmakers took us by the hand and showed us the transformation from upstanding husband to abject vengeful monster. Because yeah, they did him nasty, but he did it right back. Even worse, actually, since he managed to kill them.

Five out of ten because for a TV movie, it's above average. Production is great, story is meh. Lands right in the middle with 5.

You don't just have to suspend disbelief with this one. You have to make like a magician and make it completely disappear.

Meow, meow, frog, rawr.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Unwanted

[1/10 · 26 January 2023]

Easily the worst Friday, which consequently puts it among the worst movies ever made. There's no Jason, and don't try to tell me that doesn't matter. It'd be like Superman not being in a Superman movie and that being okay. And, fine. Pretend like this movie is a horror movie, not a Friday movie. It would still be a god awful waste of time. It's not scary, it's not funny, it's simply depressing.

For completists only. Even then, it only serves to fill a gap in a Friday the 13th movie rankings list, there at the bottom near, well, most of them. Between this one, Jason Takes Manhattan or Goes to Hell, or God forbid, X, only 2 or 3 movies in this series can be considered above mediocrity.

The Munsters (2022)

Cheesy.

[2/10 · 17 January 2023]

Truly awful. It has the appearance of an unfinished TV show. And not in a good way.

Rob Zombie has earned the right to make this pet project, sure. His directorial skills have come along a ways, but I bet the person who gave him total creative control must have had some serious regrets upon seeing the finished product. The verdict is in and no, Rob cannot write comedies just yet. Don't count (get it?) him out.

Besides not being funny, Zombie just couldn't keep a consistent tone in the dialogue. Is this a 60s movie, using 2020s slang? Oh, wait, is that 70s jive? Pick a direction, please.

This could have worked. But besides having few redeeming qualities, it also came along too close to the top-notch Wednesday, by Tim Burton. I guess the Adams Family wins again.

Pig. Pig. Meow. Oink.