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Platypuschow
Movie obsessive, video game icon and rock aficionado.
Lover, fighter, desirer of all things shiny.
Hater of stupidity, bane of religion and all round educated outspoken chappy.
Drinker, part time evil genius and full time bastard.
PSN: platypuschow
Email: jay.coster7@gmail.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jay.coster/
Reddit: No longer on there, gits banned me #sad
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A Savannah Haunting (2021)
A Savannah Haunting: Based on a "True" story
Plot
A family loses their young daughter in a tragic drowning and moves to Savannah, only to be haunted by her presence in their new home.
Cast
Not familiar with anyone involved but the writer is the director who is a character in the movie and also the person who has allegedly experienced all these paranormal instances.
Verdict
I'm not generally a guy who appreciates ghost themed movies, the reason? They tend to be the most trope laden cliched sub genre of all, and also a one used by those with minimal budgets as they don't require much on screen. A chair falls over by itself, a book falls of a shelf, mysterious noises, it's all very cheap.
Furthermore they often get pretentious and play the "Based on real events" card and I just can't take it seriously. Spoiler alert, no that thing didn't happen grow up. A Savannah Haunting doesn't just play that card, it plays the whole deck an doubles down by being made by the guy it happened to, in the house it supposedly happened and they spouted rhetoric about a haunting on set during production and staff members threatening to leave because of them. Yeah, right.
A Savannah Haunting trips, face plants into every imaginable generic horror trope get's up and goes butt over head back over again with some dreadful quality, mediocre performances and a finale that you will see coming from three continents over.
Rants
I'm going to break this to you gently, rip that bandaid off in one single smooth motion. There are no such things as ghosts, no spectres, no poltergeists, no phantoms, no things that go bump in the night. In the nicest way possible, grow up.
The Good
Considering the budget it wasn't the worst looking
The Bad
Cliche and trope ridden
Couldn't be less original
Hit and miss cast
Very predictable
Based on "Real" events in a supernatural movie is just silly.
Journey to the Center of the Earth (1999)
Journey to the Center of the Earth: Oozes with tack
Plot
Remake of Jules Verne's classic story finds adventurers seeking a mysterious hidden land. They are joined by the wife of another man, who had previously gone on a similar expedition and disappeared.
Cast
Treat Williams and Jeremy London are a talented pair and make for some good casting. Bryan Brown, less so. Petra Yared however was a wonderful surprise.
Verdict
How many versions of this have there been? Ever since the original back in 1959 we seem to have had a fair few, varying budgets, varying quality. So where does this Hallmark version sit on the scale? Not great, not great at all.
Now to be clear I like Williams I think he's a great b-movie leading man and both the London twins have been in plenty of great films so I consider myself a fan. So here, they had the cast to pull this off.
What didn't they have? Well to start off I'd say the budget, they didn't have the budget. Some partys looked worse than the worst Scyfy original as far as CGI is concerned and some of the practical effects were Jason & the Argonauts level.
What else? Decent writing, a consistent supporting cast and something, anything to make it stand out from the those before it (In a good way).
Without all this we have an often ugly, poorly acted, unoriginal, tacky movie that for it's 3hr runtime is exhausting.
If you binge watch multiple adaptations expect this to be a low point.
Rants
I mean seriously that scene with the large creature that won't be elaborated on as this is a no spoiler review! The CGI there was, I mean truly next level and by next level I mean last level, I mean oldest level, I mean give a computer to a cave of neanderthal men and I'm confident they'd do better! Yikes, that was just embarassing.
The Good
Two leads are great as was Yared
The Bad
Brown is just obnoxious and unlikable in everything he's in.
Hugely ugly in places
Some very weak writing
Some even weaker acting with some of the supporting cast.
Ms. Marvel (2022)
Ms. Marvel: Delightful
Plot
Kamala, a superhero fan with an imagination--particularly when it comes to Captain Marvel--feels like she doesn't fit in at school and sometimes even at home, that is until she gets superpowers like the heroes she admires.
Cast
Unusually not familiar with anyone involved, however
Iman Vellani is excellent which is further impressive when you remember this is her first role.
Verdict
I remember when word got out that Ms. Marvel was happening there was a lot of unpleasantness, I remember when the trailer dropped there was even more but this time for different reasons. I however went in with an open mind and experienced quite the surprise.
Vellani knocks it out of the park as the titular hero in what most consider a tamer more light hearted Marvel outing, but is it? Different Marvel characters, different tones, some lighter and some darker. So why emphasize the lighter tone here? Is it aimed at kids? No, no more than Guardians of the Galaxy or Antman! Not everything needs to be gritty, not everything needs to have dark undertones. If that's what you want, go watch the tatters that is the DC universe!
Her powers? That complaint is valid and frustrating. The MCU has taken liberties with characters before, look at the Mandarin, look at Taskmaster, and though it's into the X-Men extended universe look at the original outing of Deadpool in the Wolverine movie! Yikes! So yes this isn't the Ms. Marvel you're used to in the comics and that I don't like, but I got over it so you can as well.
Ms. Marvel is a silly, fun, wholesome and oddly endearing tale that left me wanting more but also appreciating it simply wasn't needed. This was an origin story, an introduction and nothing more.
Bravo, I enjoyed it.
Rants
It's poorly written they bark to disguise the real reasons, weird when you look at the similarities between all these allegedly poorly written movies and shows. It's almost as if it's not about the wring at all. All the things in the world to get upset about, to be passionate about, to spew vitriol about and this is what you choose? No wonder the world is such a tribalistic mess.
The Good
Iman Vellani
A lot of fun
Really charming
The Bad.
The changes to the character.
Caved In (2006)
Caved In: More illogical writing and goofs than you could shake a giant beetle at
Plot
Disguised as extreme adventurers, a group of high profile thieves unknowingly lead a group of wealthy tourists on an expedition through an abandoned salt mine that is guarded by ancient creatures.
Cast
Christopher Atkins stinks up every scene he's in, which is sadly most of them. Veteran Colm Meaney looks very out of place and Angela Featherstone and Chelan Simmons both deserve better.
Verdict
When you go in to a Scyfy Original you need to know something, you're likely in for a 90 minute migraine caused by bad writing, awful cgi and more goofs and inconsistencies than you could possibly imagine. Why do we put ourselves through them? I'll let you know when I've figured it out myself!
Caved In is one of the worst I believe I've seen, it doesn't even have the novelty factor of those of the past decade or so and their insistence on combining things to make a premise such as Piranhaconda, Arachnoquake, Ghost Shark, Dragon Wasps etc. A group of people go into a long since boarded up mine which is mysteriously illuminated and face off with giant awfully animated bugs, throw in a sideplot about criminal element and the obligatory goofy kids and you have Caved In.
Awful head scratching stupidity.
Rants
I must applaud user cbrow on his review and list of goofs, there's stuff in there I hadn't even picked up on and demonstrates further that Scyfy can't think much of their audience, either that or they are just dumber than a pierced bag of farts.
The Good
Meaney and Featherstone are always appreciated
The Bad
Goof after goof
Dreadful cgi
Lead has no place in the industry, he's that bad.
Monster Mash (2024)
Monster Mash: Who was this aimed at?
Plot
Dracula, Werewolf, and the Invisible Man must work together to stop Dr. Frankenstein from creating an unstoppable monster.
Cast
Michael Madsen in the death throes of his career in a movie made by the same guy who gave us two awful Hansel & Gretel films and reached such pinnacles as Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark!
Verdict
Did you ever watch the mega cheesy Monster Mash The Movie from the mid 90's? Me neither though I remember seeing the trailer and thinking it looked awful. I'll put my life savings down now that movie is better than this one!
Unsurprisingly an Asylum movie, Monster Mash sees most of the classic movie monsters collide in a movie advertised as a horror but let me assure you couldn't be further from. It's like an unintentional comedy and a stupidly campy one at that.
A vampire, Dracula, Frankenstein, Frankensteins monster, wolfman, the invisible man and of course a mummy. How could this possibly be bad? Well, very easily now you ask. I mean, it's an Asylum movie the better question is surely how could it possibly be good?
The acting is hilariously poor, Madsen included as this man just doesn't try anymore and why should he? He's gone from big Hollywood mainstay to will do anything for a dollar.
The story is contrived, the execution is dreadful and I found myself simultaneously cringing and wincing at the same time throughout.
Who are these movies aimed at? Too violent for kids, too dumb for adults.
Rants
One day someone needs to sit me down and explain how The Asylum movies make money. They can't make enough off the backs of people accidentally buying their movie instead of the one they're mockbustering surely! I've seen countless and am confident they'd reach an average of the early 3.0's if I totaled them all up. Then again are they any worse than ITN, Uncorked, Scyfy themselves? Awful, awful stuff.
The Good
Well, there's a lot going on
The Bad
Dreadful acting
It's all so, stupid
Seeing Madsen in a film like this is unsurprising but still sad
Did I mention how stupid it all is?
My Little Nightmare (2024)
My Little Nightmare: Tried and tested plot, again and again
Plot
After a traumatic accident during vacation, five friends make the fatal mistake of dumping their victim's body. But exactly one year later, Someone or something is back for revenge and it's looking for more than an apology.
Cast
Not familiar with anyone involved, though looking through the writer/directors credits yeesh! That's a lot of stuff you don't even need to watch to know it's going to be terrible.
Verdict
I was surprised to see that this at time of initially going on to My Little Nightmare's page that it hadn't even reached 5 ratings in order to acquire an average. I mean the cover art is very professional, it looks like that could easily belong to an Insidious/Conjuring movie!
The first thing I noticed was the run time, this seemed long. I have no issue with long films, but they need to be able to justify it and simply too many have excessive quantities of filler to pad it out and that irreparably damages the movie. Is this one such film? Yeah, yeah it really is.
Telling a story we've seen somewhere between 1k-1.5k times it needed to throw us a curveball, a twist, something to set it apart from all the other movies with exactly the same concept. Did it? Absolutely, not.
Feeling cheap throughout, with appalling death scenes, zero originality and very little to get the viewer engaged My Little Nightmare promises a lot but delivers little.
The sad thing is I wanted to like it, but simply couldn't for more reasons than I'd like to admit.
I'd say nice try, but it really wasn't.
Rants
My rant caused the review to be declined, so I'll just applaud the creator for certain character choices and leave it at that.
The Good
Solid cover art
I see what the creators were trying to do
The Bad
No originality
Considerably too long
Weak death scenes
Feels very cheap at times.
Beast No More (2019)
Beast No More: Astonishingly bad
Plot
A young mother and scientist, whose world is disturbingly turned upside down when she loses her son in a tragic accident, is offered the chance to be a mother again. Only it comes at a cost, and with an unnerving twist.
Cast
Dan Ewing who alike the rest of the cast come across like he just couldn't be bothered.
Verdict
The cover art I saw was very different from that on IMDB, it coveyed that this was more of a creature feature, in reality that art is a complete lie.
Beast No More is an unforgivably boring film that's hard to pigeon hole. It's horror but certainly not creature feature, not a slasher, not supernatural, it's just dull and lifeless.
I'd hoped it would get going in the second half, I hope it would kick in in the last quarter, I hoped so much and it delivered positively nothing.
Rants
I watched the same day as Abigail (2024) it really didn't stand a chance really did it? With it's weak cast, awful direction, poor editing, dreadful cast and on account of it being consistently awful from start to finish. I need to keep my expectations for such films lower, like centre of the earth low.
The Good
I liked the bit where the credits rolled
The Bad
Very weak cast
Dan Ewing simply isn't likeable
Dreadful incoherent plot
Nevers gets going.
Abigail (2024)
Abigail: A few more like this and I'll have to shut up about Hollywood not being able to do horror anymore
Plot
After a group of criminals kidnap the ballerina daughter of a powerful underworld figure, they retreat to an isolated mansion, unaware that they're locked inside with no normal little girl.
Cast
Alisha Weir knocks it out of the park with her performance, Melissa Barrera is solid, Kevin Durand is excellent as always and
Dan Stevens, Kathryn Newton and Giancarlo Esposito are er also there.
Verdict
I don't go the cinema often, usually this is because of limited time, inevitable disappointment and the ridiculous expense involved. The missus wanted to see this so I made an exception, I was right about the expense as it came to just over £50 which is lunacy for a 90 minute presentation and don't even get me started on how many adverts I had to endure (And I don't mean trailers).
But did I at least least enjoy the film? Well, yeah I really did. Alas this is certainly a movie where a person would be better off not watching the trailer, knowing the big twist straight out of the gate certainly damaged the film but it was so good and threw so many additional curveballs it just didn't matter.
A solid cast (I'm a Durand fanboy) including a child actress who absolutely nailed her role to unexpected levels, a decent budget, great setting, decent cinematography and dare I say some levels of originality Abigail was an unexpectedly good film and everything I wanted M3gan (2022) to be.
See I've slated Hollywood horror for years claiming they've lost their way but movies like this demonstrate all hope is not lost.
Gory, over the top yet fairly smart and fantastically executed Abigail is a solid horror film.
Rants
Poor Barrera, glad to see she's having a decent career post her ridiculous firing from the Scream series. Who'd have thought that being against genocide is a bad thing and a person could get fired over having that stance? Plenty in support of it are doing just fine. What a time to be alive!
The Good
Barrera, Durand and Weir
Sufficiently gory
Very well constructed
Barrels of fun
Plenty of twists to keep you entertained
The Bad
I feel the finale could have been handled a smidge better
Newton didn't seem on form.
Captain Marvel (2019)
Captain Marvel: Underwhelming
Plot
Carol Danvers becomes one of the universe's most powerful heroes when Earth is caught in the middle of a galactic war between two alien races.
Cast
Brie Larson, Samuel L. Jackson (Because duh), Jude "Just consistently dreadful" Law, Annette Bening, Djimon Hounsou, Clark Gregg and blink and you'll miss him Lee Pace who returns as Ronan but looks so different I didn't even think it was him.
Verdict
I watched this back when it was initially released, I watched it a second time a few days ago as the missus is wanting us to binge watch the entire MCU as she's very behind. My opinion has changed on the 2nd viewing and not in a good way, my rating has shifted from a 6/10 to 5/10.
You see straight out of the gate the first thing you notice about Carol Danvers is she's not really a character you can get behind. She's not funny, she's not entertaining, she comes across as a surly teenage girl who is just upset at the slightest thing and just doesn't want to be there. This is not a character you can build a movie around, like trying to make a teenage Groot movie! It wouldn't work, but he's okay as a side character.
Supporting cast are also hit and miss, Jackson and Gregg are great,
but Lynch and Law just stink up every scene they're in.
I'm a Marvel fan but I recognize where it's weak, this is a distinctly average film that serves as a standalone origin story and doesn't contribute much to the universe as a whole.
Rants
I remember when the movie came out all the controversy with Brie Larson, I just had to Google what the controversy even was as I don't remember due to not focusing on such things. Now I can't really get a definitive answer. From what I see it's a combination of people not liking her attitude and her comments on feminism. So I Googled further to see what she said, she came across arrogant in them and a smidge out of touch but none of it explained the overwhelming hate I've seen aimed at her. Then I remembered that people talk about all the different types of bigotry but misogyny rarely comes up, I remembered that it's visibly increased over the past decade and appreciated why she's been targeted. News flash, the outspoken loud brash man hating femnists you likely thing of when you hear that word make up a very small percentage. Feminism is good, if you disagree I hope you simply don't know the meaning of the word.
The Good
Jackson and Gregg
Has a couple of decent moments
Not a bad soundtrack
Goose!
The Bad
Larson isn't great
Law and Lynch are terrible
Lead just comes across unlikable.
Overall just a weak entry to the MC.
Eight for Silver (2021)
Eight for Silver: A blend of great and forgettable
Plot
In rural 19th-century France, a mysterious, possibly supernatural menace threatens a small village. John McBride, a pathologist, comes to town to investigate the danger - and exorcise some of his own demons in the process.
Cast
Boyd Holbrook, the always appreciated Kelly Reilly, Alistair Petrie and Hanna (2019) star Áine Rose Daly.
Verdict
I'll be honest going in my hopes for Eight for Silver/The Cursed were no great. I don't like period stuff and I'm not a great fan of werewolf movies so I figured it wouldn't stand a chance. Was I right? Meh, somewhere in the middle.
The film looks the part, except when it comes to the creature effects then it's somewhat lacking, and by somewhat I mean pretty badly.
The performances are adequate, but Kelly Reilly is positively wasted!
The plot is above par, but it plods along as such a weak pace I genuinely found myself drifting off while watching it.
Werewolf films don't exactly saturate the genre but there is still no shortage, look elsewhere if you want a film you actually remember.
Rants
I'm a movie obsessive, this is long since established! I'm passionate about film so if a movie has me falling asleep during it, there's something very very wrong. Even lesser engaging films can usually keep my attention but this struggled, by the finale I was struggling to keep my eyes open. It's not that it was bad, it's more that it was just so mediocre, so unengaging, so generic and bland my mind decided my dreams were a better alternative.
The Good
The setting looks the part
Some of the cast are very strong
The Bad
Weak lead
Kelly Reilly was wasted
Horrifically boring in places
Poor finale.
Creature (1998)
Creature: Dated unoriginal mess
Plot
An amphibious shark-like monster terrorizes an abandoned secret military base and the people who live on the island it is located on. A marine biologist, as well as several other people, try to stop it before it is too late...
Cast
Craig T. Nelson, Kim Cattrall, Blu Mankuma, Giancarlo Esposito, Megalyn Echikunwoke and a very wasted Colm Feore star.
Verdict
Let's be fair here, you can't expect too much from a shark feature especially these days. Scyfy have officially killed sharks for me, from multi headed sharks to ghost shark to snow shark to sand shark to flying sharks to toxic sharks to zombie sharks and beyond!
Creature presents us with something that's essentially a man shark, half man, half shark, all pretty terrible.
Now the first thing I need to acknowledge is that this isn't technically a movie, it's a two part limited series. The thing is, that was their first and arguably biggest mistake. In no universe did this need to be three hours! It's excessive runtime is very very damaging and turns a mediocre creature feature into a boring needlessly drawn out mess.
The cast are fine and I certainly see what they were going for, but it looks ugly, the writing is poor and it all feels like a low budget made for television movie but one that has no business being as long as it is.
Rants
Is it just me or did Kim Cattrall have a considerably better career than she by all rights should have being that she's really not a very good actress. Look at everything she's been in, the decade after decade and she's always had her place in the industry yet I don't remember seeing a roll where I thought wow she nailed it there!
The Good
Solid cast
Megalyn Echikunwoke
The Bad
The "Creature" looks naff
Some weak writing
FAR too long
Just uninspired and generic throughout.
Black Adam (2022)
Black Adam: Pretty much spot on what I expected
Plot
Nearly 5,000 years after he was bestowed with the almighty powers of the Egyptian gods--and imprisoned just as quickly--Black Adam is freed from his earthly tomb, ready to unleash his unique form of justice on the modern world.
Cast
Dwayne Johnson fronts in a very uninspired performance, Quintessa Swindell entertains, Aldis Hodge, Pierce Brosnan and then Henry Winkler has a bizarre cameo appearance as well.
Verdict
I recognize that the MCU has arguably stalled to a degree but the DCU, did it ever really get started? Black Adam is yet another dire contribution that doesn't feel connected to this "Universe" they've created and feels like a mid 90's standalone superhero movie complete with every cliche, weak humor, a CGI bad guy, generic faceless cgi minions and just brings absolutely nothing to the table.
The kid is deeply annoying, the cast feel like they're there for the payday and the payday alone, bringing a charismatic individual like the Rock in to play a practically stoic role was baffling and blast why does it bother me so much that they didn't give Black Adam hair?! It shouldn't bother me but it does oddly.
Black Adam is the definition of a big dumb cgi laden throwaway film and just the latest example of why the DCU consistently fails to entertain.
Rants
Did the DCU ever really stand a chance?
- They were competing against the vastly superior MCU
- They cast people who just weren't committed to the long term project
- Multiple backstage dramas and controversies
- Sketchy inconsistent writing and simply too many unengaging movies
The Good
Quintessa Swindell
The Bad
Weak performances Couldn't be any more uninspired Weirdly boring for such an action packed movie Just feels "Throwaway" Johnson doesn't even try here That kid, SO annoying.
Zhou (2022)
Incantation: Pleasant surprise
Plot
Six years ago, Li Ronan was cursed after breaking a religious taboo. Now, she must protect her daughter from the consequences of her actions.
Cast
Directed by Kevin Ko who also directed my favourite Taiwanese movie A Choo (2020).
Verdict
From the stylish thought provoking opening scene the film had my attention, after countless poor movies lately this was very exciting.
Part traditional, part found footage style Incantation is a fascinating supernatural tale set across our leading ladies past and present, watching them collide and a very intriguing story.
Suitably creepy and thoroughly putting Hollywood to shame who simply cannot do horror anymore I was positively gripped. Granted the plot does make it up as it goes along and a couple of questions went unanswered, but most were, the ending delivers and this has now become my second favorite Taiwanese movie.
Very much worth your time.
Rants
Once again within the bowels of the IMDB reviews I see a standard type, the "I didn't finish the movie" type. Sorry but if you didn't watch the movie you have absolutely no right to an opinion and the site shouldn't allow such reviews. You're admitting you haven't seen it, watch until the credits roll then talk until then shush!
The Good
Very creepy
Wonderfully constructed
Oddly stylish
Gripping
The Bad
A few questions go unanswered
Some found footage moments actually make no logistical sense
Casting could have done a better job.
Hanna (2019)
Hanna: Enjoyable but something was missing
Plot
In equal parts high-concept thriller and coming-of-age drama, HANNA follows the journey of an extraordinary young girl raised in the forest, as she evades the relentless pursuit of an off-book CIA agent and tries to unearth the truth behind who she is.
Cast
Esme Creed-Miles leads in a performance that flits between decent and I can't believe they didn't do a retake. Mireille Enos is at a career best, Áine Rose Daly, Dermot Mulroney, Ray Liotta, Joel Kinnaman and a standout performance by Gianna Kiehl.
Verdict
I enjoyed Hanna (2011), though far from flawless it was a well constructed feature and Saoirse Ronan was excellent as was
Cate Blanchett. I was hesitant going into this as let's be honest movie to television adaptations have a dreadful track record.
Hanna is wonderful paced, that I'll say out of the gate. If you think the story can't be dragged out across 3 seasons you're mistaken, they do a decent job there.
The cast for the most part are competent though some are more consistent than others, Creed-Miles accent peaks and troughs, this really should have been addressed and not made it to the final product.
It's action packed with a passable enough story and I did enjoy it but though I had no problem binge watching it throughout without boredom I did feel that there was something missing. After much head scratching I came to the conclusion that, I have absolutely no idea what it was! Something just didn't click, the show was enjoyable and was fairly engaging but something just failed to complete the show.
I'd advise people stick with the movie, but on the flipside there are worse shows to throw some hours into.
Rants
IMDB is known for not vetting reviews very well but yeesh, check out the 1/10 ones. People who haven't even watched the show reviewing, people who bailed after an episode thinking they can have an opinion on the show, countless one line reviews and stupidity like "I just finished episode 1 and I have no idea what any of the characters look like. Just sat there listening, staring at a black screen." and "Hate White Men, This is for You!, If you think all men should die, more so white men but Blackmon as well, then this show is for you. Guys, if your wife or girlfriend likes this show, I would sleep with one eye open".
Time for IMDB to start vetting better or the IMDB community to grow up.
The Good
Mireille Enos
Gianna Kiehl
Soundtrack
Great pacing
The Bad
Esme Creed-Miles's performance can be pretty poor at times
Not as engaging as it should be.
Something is missing.
Johnny Trigger (2019)
Johnny Trigger: Dangerously addictive
Plot
Johnny Trigger runs rampant across various environments in slow motion combat.
Cast
Made by folks who specialize in mostly mobile titles.
Verdict
Johnny Trigger is one of those "Just one more level" types of game. Namely because levels takes seconds, are oddly enjoyable and the loud bright colours are oddly engaging.
Now let me be clear, the game is repetitive and once you've played for 15 minutes you've seen near everything it has to offer.
So why do I rate it so high? Because it's so crazily addictive and oddly enjoyable. Yes there's not much to it, yes it's frighteningly easy and yes it's ultimately just a mobile game complete with optional microtransactions BUT I really quite enjoy it!
Guilty pleasure.
Rants
Are microtransactions killing the gaming industry? No, but it's doing it serious damage. In this guys opinion there are two things considerably worse.
1) Developers rushing games out loaded with bugs and issues, this is unforgivable and makes me miss the days before patches were possible and developers had no choice but to release a bug free final product.
2) Online reliance, the obsession with online gaming which results in server shut downs, low communities, toxic player bases and more.
The Good
Very addictive
Engaging visuals
A lot of fun
The Bad
Not a vast amount of content
Gets old
Microtransactions
Very grindy.
Road House (2024)
Road House: Stop remaking everything 101
Plot
Ex-UFC fighter Dalton takes a job as a bouncer at a Florida Keys roadhouse, only to discover that this paradise is not all it seems.
Cast
Jake "Cannot do action scenes" Gyllenhaal, Conor "How do people admire this wretch?" McGregor and Post "He's an actor now don't ya know" Malone.
Verdict
If you look at my profile you'll see that I don't treat 1/10's lightly, they make up 6% of my at time of writing 15, 557 ratings! For me to give something a 1 it must not simply be bad, not even be really bad, it must have absolutely no single redeeming feature and that's rare! Almost every movie/tv show/game etc has got something! Anything!
Road House is yet another (Of a seeming infinite quantity) senseless moronic unnecessary remake that is not just bad, not just goes into business for itself and shuns the memory of the original, not only is an insult to the original material but is also so unimaginably dire this guy is struggling with his words and how to stress this.
As if all of these factors weren't enough Gyllenhaal is dreadful here, he's no more convincing in an action role than Paul Reubens would have been. And McGregor? Am I the only one who can't look past the actor sometimes? If I know what kind of a wretched human being an actor is then it damages the movie and he does here, and he's not even an actor (And it shows).
Road House is awful, it's not even a remake of the original it's just a non-sensical incoherent childs babbling with some punches thrown in to keep the modern audience appeased.
Rants
Show me a decent remake and I'll show you 50 embarrassments. Off the top of my head I can think of 1 generally, Dawn of the Dead (2004). The intensity of them is a damning indictment about the state of the movie industry! And when it's not a remake it's probably an unnecessary sequel! Simple solution, overhaul! Fire all the existing writers and maybe start recruiting some of these kids who they say travel to Hollywood and sit in coffee shops on their laptops waiting for their call up that we all hear about. Let's see what they can do.
The Good
I liked the bit where the credits rolled.
The Bad
Gyllenhaal was terrible
McGregor is just the worst
Action sequences were way below par
Plot is generic foolishness
An insult to the oddly enjoyable original.
Synchronic (2019)
Synchronic: Another dumb movie dressed as intelligent
Plot
Two New Orleans paramedics' lives are ripped apart after they encounter a series of horrific deaths linked to a designer drug with bizarre, otherworldly effects.
Cast
Anthony "Falcon" Mackie and Jamie "Tom Hardy clone" Dornan with a random pointless cameo from Bill Oberst Jr.
Verdict
Synchronic could be placed on the shelf with Inception or Tenet. Movies I call pseudo-intellectual, films that certain movie fans will tell you that if you don't like them you didn't "Get them". Yep, I got them just fine thank you, but you have a very skew definition of intelligence if this is the bar.
Synchronic is a head ache inducing time travel film of a sort that makes the rules up as it goes along and then changes them as and when it suits it. Therefore you have a confusing, head scratching, disjointed movie that was nothing but frustrating.
The cast, fine. But the writing leaves the movie positively dead on arrival.
Rants
I despise that type of film fan, the pseudo-intellectual. "Mainstream" films are bad but this "Smart" film is perfection, then you watch said film and it's as deep as a puddle and as intelligent as a bag of farts. It's arrogance, and I want no part of it.
The Good
Decent leads
The Bad
Nonsensical plot
Inconsistency laden
Daft finale.
The Walking Dead (2010)
The Walking Dead: That was a chore
Plot
Sheriff Deputy Rick Grimes wakes up from a coma to learn the world is in ruins and must lead a group of survivors to stay alive.
Cast
Too many to list, many truly fantastic talents, the one thing I can't complain about is the casting!
Verdict
Fun fact, I tried to watch The Walking Dead when it first came out and was stupidly excited for it. You see I'm a zombie fanatic and even as a kid saw the limitless potential of a zombie television show so my expectations were very high. Well, I got about 2/3 of the way through Season 2 before dropping out. I didn't "Get it" in the slightest.
Cut forward to 2023 and the missus chose it as her pick of show for us to binge watch. I was less than excited, I feared I'd see it no differently as I did before but now having watch a total of 11 seasons!
So what did I make of it? Especially since folks believe that what I watched was where it peaked and it gradually got worse!
Well, I breathed a sigh of relief when we finished season 11 as the whole thing was an exhausting soul draining chore and I was left silently begging that she doesn't pick any of the many spinoffs for the future.
So why? Why was it such a chore? Why am I giving this long running critically acclaimed show such a low rating?
Well as you'd expect with a show that last 11 years, there are a lot of factors so I'll touch upon the main ones.
The writing is a combination of bad and inconsistent. By bad I mean illogical character decisions and repetition, by inconsistent it's almost as if different writers had differing ideas for the characters and played a game of tug of war with their entire personalities which was frustrating to watch.
The element that our heroes in many instances were as bad as the supposed bad guys, but then again maybe that was the point?!
The tone was always going to be bleak, it's the zombie apocalypse after all but there was simply not enough in the way of levity, moments of hope, breaks from the misery which in turn makes the whole thing difficult and unpleasant to watch.
What did they do right? Some great characters and some decent moments (Though not enough for an 11 season show!)
I cannot get my head around its popularity, that was a chore to binge watch.
Rants
The Walking Dead is a soap opera with zombies, there I said it. At multiple times throughout the show the undead after an after thought and that should never have been a thing. Yes relationships should be a factor, yes the common themes of humans being the real threat should be a thing but there's a line and I think The Walking Dead defecated on that line repeatedly.
The Good
Some incredible cast/characters
A few generally memorable moments
A tense feeling where any character can die at anytime
The Bad
The gloom just never relents
Some awful writing
No consistency with character development
Certain characters suddenly leaving at the same time late in the show was damaging
Too much senseless animal death.
A Perfect Man (2013)
A Perfect Man: What seems to pass as a love story these days
Plot
A womanizing husband inadvertently falls back in love with his wife over the phone when she pretends to be another woman.
Cast
Jeanne Tripplehorn and Liev Schreiber are excellent as always, supporting cast? Forgettable.
Verdict
I have an issue with movies where I'm supposed to root for a vile person, I doubly have an issue where I'm watching a supposed love story and they treat each other poorly and it's played out as being fine and they live happily ever after. A Perfect Man is a great example of this, he's a wretched human being who betrays her trust and he's still made out to be a good guy trying to redeem himself. He's a scumbag, undeserving and the story should have ended in the first 10 minutes.
How am I supposed to watch a film like this? Who am I supposed to root for?
Rants
You know the "Girls like bad boys" cliche, I've seen so much of it through my life, women who are beaten and cheated on but make excuses for their spouses and stay with them. I knew one woman who during her 9 year relationship she found out about a dozen different women and was put in hospital 5 times including one that resulted in her having re-constructive surgery! Did she leave him? No. Wanna know how that 9 year relationship ended? At his hands. I'll never understand why women stay with abusive or cheating partners and this movie glamorizes this foolishness.
The Good
Incredible cast
The Bad
Concept is appalling.
Lantern's Lane (2021)
Lantern's Lane: Mediocrity in an ocean of meh
Plot
A recent college graduate and her estranged high school friends return to Lantern's Lane, the location of an evil urban legend and must fight to survive the night.
Cast
Not familiar with anyone involved.
Verdict
I grew up with slashers, I remember the days they were the biggest sub-genre within horror but they were gradually phased out as the popularity waned and I'd imagine that happened because they became predictable, uninspired and they saturated the industry too much.
You'd think for this reason they'd hold a place in my heart but truth be told though a horror fanatic, slashers are one of the weakest sub-genres for me.
For this reason I went into Lantern's Lane assuming the worst, though I did like the killers mask here.
It's everything you expect when going into a slasher, the tropes, the cliches, but oddly not the kills. You see the character roster is low therefore picking them off one by one was never really on the cards and this slasher essential finds itself lacking. How can a slasher lack kills? It makes up for it in other areas right? A thinking mans slasher perhaps? Nope, it's a bog standard unoriginal one that just doesn't offer one of the few things such a movie absolutely positively needs.
Lanterns Lane is lazy, lacks the basics and brings nothing to the table.
Rants
You know I despise the Scream series, okay fine the first was watchable but they went down a predictable uninspired generic route double quick and I lost interest. Then the modern ones with Ortega came out and I disliked them for a different reason, the lack of believability to comedic levels. What I mean by that is that being a stabbed seems to be more of an inconvenience than a threat to life. You will see characters get stabbed repeatedly, the blade pulled up through the persons flesh as if they're being disemboweled and they manage to flee and are seen later simply with a bandage on. The last movie especially was laughable to next level degrees, even the one character near the end who got stabbed easily two dozen times by both killers simultaneously was on a gurney moments later laughing, joking and kissing his girl!
The Good
Killer looked okay
The Bad
Predictable stuff
Very bland
Simply not enough kills/horror.
Voorhees (2020)
Voorhees: Near the bottom of the Friday 13th fan film barrel
Plot
Following a successful bank heist, a group of criminals flee to the now abandoned Camp Crystal Lake with the idea of hiding from the law until dawn.
Cast
Not familiar with anybody involved.
Verdict
I'm binge watching Friday 13th fan films, I've come across the good, the bad, the ugly, the truly moronic, the shilled into oblivion on the site and the ones that defy logic in every way imaginable.
Voorhees is one of the worst as it's the bad and the ugly.
The concept, sound enough but the execution fails on every conceivable level. Jason looks poor, the kills are terrible, the pacing is all over the place and it really would have been better suited as a short film anyway.
There are more fan films out there than you may realize, skip this one, most definitely skip the Vengeance films and instead just go watch Don't Hike Alone 1 & 2.
Rants
If you don't have the budget to do something, don't do it. Not got two bobs to rub together, make a romantic comedy, make a drama, make a thriller but something that requires absolutely no effects. No elaborate costumes, creatures, fight sequences, cgi or anything. This right here, is why following that advice is essential
Breakdown
Really ugly
Pacing is way off
Jason looks poor
Writing is pretty dire.
Saw X (2023)
Saw X: Back from the dead
Plot
A sick and desperate John travels to Mexico for a risky and experimental medical procedure in hopes of a miracle cure for his cancer only to discover the entire operation is a scam to defraud the most vulnerable.
Cast
Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith and Ragnarok's Synnøve Macody Lund shine.
Verdict
I'll be honest, I haven't enjoyed a Saw movie since Saw III. I thought Spiral breathed a small amount of life into the series but not enough to make it credible. Much like Final Destination they pounded out movie after movie each less inspired as the last! A dead franchise in my opinion. Hearing about another I couldn't have been less excited and after the watching the trailer and seeing it was a prequel had me confident this would be another bland uneventful final nail in the franchises coffin.
I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong, and here I was wrong.
I don't like prequels, I deemed this a dead franchise, but somehow someway against the odds they delivered a decent enough film and I'd argue the 3rd best overall behind the original and part 2.
I just love how unexpected it is, you defies logic and reason and provides an engaging tale and one that doesn't rely on shock value or gore like many of those that game before did.
Good job, now I'm open to more.
Rants
I like Shawnee Smith, my first experience with her was as the crazy girl in the original The Stand (1994) but her presence here seemed strange on account of how much older she looks here then last time we saw her. They used no effect to make her look younger and the timeline subsequently made no sense. I know such things shouldn't matter but movies are about immersion and that took something away from it here.
Breakdown
Surprisingly decent plot
Solid performances by many of the cast
Has breathed new life into a dead series
The Shawnee Smith age issue is annoying.
Night Swim (2024)
Night Swim: It's everything you'd expect, no seriously I mean to the letter
Plot
A family moves into a new home, unaware that a dark secret from the house's past will unleash a malevolent force in the backyard pool.
Cast
Wyatt Russell (Who does not have his fathers talent) and a bunch of folk I'm unfamiliar and unimpressed with. And a director I know only from a surprisingly enjoyable short film (Pig).
Verdict
This is a prime example of Hollywood losing their way when it comes to horror, it's so incredibly formulaic down to the letter of predictability.
Yes there is only so much you can do with a movie about a haunted pool, but still being an interesting premise I assumed they had a decent idea behind it and a screenplay that would pan out into something enjoyable.
In reality the concept is passable but that's pretty much all they had, no real content and a very meh ending. And the journey? Every trope, every cliche, everything you expect from a big budget horror feature and I'm so very very tired of them.
If you like The Conjuring, Annabelle, Insidious, Talk to Me and other trite horror films this is for you. If you like substance, skip it.
Rants
I want a pool, you see the the US it appears it's a very middle class thing whereas in the UK it's pretty much the top 1% and therefore extremely rare. Any day now I'll win the lottery and get myself an olympic sized one, outdoors but with the facility for it to be covered at anytime! Right next to my mansion, and multiple acres of land, my zoo and my unicorn paddock.
Breakdown
Interesting concept
Weak leading man
Couldn't be executed any more generically.
Vamps (2012)
Vamps: Unoffensive but stupid
Plot
Two female vampires in modern-day New York City are faced with daunting romantic possibilities.
Cast
Alicia Silverstone and Kristen Ritter lead while Sigourney Weaver, Wallace Shawn, Malcolm McDowell and Dan Stevens support.
Verdict
I'd not heard of this at all which I was surprised about considering the cast. Did it bomb? It truly came out of nowhere for me and yes truly unconditionally isn't exactly my genre. For all intent and purpose this is Clueless, with vampires.
Camping it up to 11 Silverstone and Ritter are saved to a degree by a surprisingly decent supporting cast but doesn't take away from what it is and that's pure nonsense.
It tries to be a comedy but it's just not funny, later in the film it tries to be deep but rushes it badly and by this point with the dramatic tone shift I just couldn't find it in myself to care.
Not a bad film, just a fruitless silly one.
Rants
Am I the only one weirded out when Malcolm McDowell doesn't play a bad guy, I mean yes he was Vlad the Impaler here but he was presented as a good guy, a nice guy despite this unlikely fact. He's a bad guy, he looks positively evil and has been typecast ever since. Whenever he's a good guy it makes me uncomfortable, like I'm being gaslit and any second he's going to do something positively ghastly.
Breakdown
Solid cast
Just not funny
Attempts at being deep and emotional fail hard.
Dark Harvest (2023)
Dark Harvest: An unexpected treat
Plot
In a small Midwestern town, a deadly annual ritual unfolds when the mythical nightmare, Sawtooth Jack, rises from the cornfields and challenges the town's teenage boys in a bloody battle of survival.
Cast
Written and directed with chaps with a lot of experience and starring Jeremy Davies (Who is excellent here). The rest of the young cast are very middle of the road for what they bring to the table here.
Verdict
I had no idea what I was walking into, it was movie night and not wanting to sail through an ocean of movies to make my choice I went with the first horror movie with interesting cover art and the rest is history.
The first thing I noticed was the incredible cinematography, they nailed it here. Even though it's mostly in the dark it looks the part, so very very impressive. Next the premise took me back, though not unique it's fairly original and I appreciated that in a world of generic horror movies. And the third thing? The kills, bloody, brutal and impactful and I appreciated that as all I see lately are terrible cut-away deaths which are just pitiful.
So the film looks the part, the writing is perfectly passable and the movie consistently delivers the thrills, the spills and the engaging plot. It's downside? The finale could have been better, it's not awful but it does let the film down as it's definitely a lower tier of quality to the rest of the movie.
Rants
See, isn't it great when we get something original? Something that's not a remake, a reboot, a unnecessary sequel, part of a franchise? I love it, let's see more of this. Prove the nay sayers wrong who insist the industry is in its death throes due to the lack of imagination from modern day writers.
Breakdown
Fantastic plot
Incredible cinematography
Impressive kills
Well constructed
Some of the cast could have done a better job
Weak finale.