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Reviews
Destruction Kings (2005)
Unbelievably bad
This film(?) is what happens when you give untalented children access to a camcorder and various rooms around town. Unfortunately, these children are in their twenties. Despite what I have read about this film,, it is NOT the budget that I or most others object to; it is the infantile approach to making movies and comedy in general. This is not a low-budget movie; "Plan 9" was a low-budget movie. This is a HOME movie that someone actually got someone to distribute; I doubt even Troma would touch this cinematic toxic waste.
Again, the budget isn't the issue. if you don't have the budget for costumes or make-up, then simplify the design. If you can't afford writers, don't waste the tape.
As someone who knows both situations, I'd rather have pulmonary embolisms than see another pile of dreck like this. If you are reading this, I implore you to rent anything else, as long as it isn't made by Chris Seaver. Life is just too short. Might I suggest early John Waters? Just a slow-budget and a hundred times more entertaining. It's what talent can do when there is no money.
Walk the Angry Beach (1961)
Truly a what-were-they-thinking movie.
This is a movie about stripping with three vignettes of stripping that make the whole thing seem very unappealing. Maybe that was on purpose; the movie is obviously ANTI-stripping in every other regard.
Much has been said about Rue's performance, and from what I could see, she was misdirected in virtually everything she was supposed to do, as was the male lead. Both were obviously capable of better performances, and it is a shame in particular that the male lead never made it to better films. Rue's make-up is flat and chalky; I kept expecting this to become a vampire film at any time. But her performance is far better than the director evidently wanted.
The director; ah, the director. Possibly the stodgiest, most agoraphobic person ever to lens a film. I still have no idea how he made the beach and the OCEAN look confining and bleak; he makes the boating scenes in "The Skydivers" look like a ad of an amusement park. The director and writer put together a depressing, impotent world in which no one is really worth redemption or really even wants it.
This film is recommended as a textbook for what NOT to when making a movie.
Brothers Should Do It (1981)
High Point in Gay Male Erotica
This is probably William Higgins's best film, technically and visually. The big story in this film of course is the pairing of JW King and Jon King, cast as brothers but not related in real life. Both in fact used noms de porn, as it were. But this is the only time that Jon King interacted on film with his idol, JW, and it is clear that this is not just another filming session. To the best of my knowledge there was no other interaction on or off camera between the two. Sadly, both performers have passed on.
It may be "just a porn film' to a lot of people, but to some people these are far more interesting in the backstage events than feature films.
Maniac (1934)
Casting
Yes, this is an awful movie, but the people who came to see these films weren't looking for quality; they were looking for titillation. And certainly this film delivers the good for nudity, outre violence, and drug use.
What has always bothered me after seeing this movie is that I could swear they meant this to be a vehicle for Bela Lugosi and Dwight Frye. First, there's the mad doctor part--certainly in Bela's range--and then there is that troubling, meaningless accent. To the best of my knowledge, Horace Carpenter didn't have an accent (and the one he uses in the movie is god-awful!) But the lines sound like they were meant for a central-European actor...especially one given to long tirades.
As for the assistant? Obviously Dwight was used to playing second fiddle to Bela, and in this movie would actually get to take over the movie! Even though Bela was noticeably taller than Dwight, Bill Woods appears to be shorter than Carpenter--I don't think the director thought that through.
Only a theory, of course, and unprovable as far as I know. But it makes more sense than the casting that WAS used.
Curse of the Headless Horseman (1972)
Brainless horseman, more like it!
I love bad movies. This is not a bad movie; it is a non-movie. From the amazingly florid narration to the actual inability of the performers to act their say out of open bags--or a completely-open set, this movie never fails to disappoint, except when it annoys. The guy inherits a tourist ranch, apparently some people die, and the end is a big question mark of unresolved issues and a narrator who evidently gets jacked on nitrous since he repeats the same line over and over--I counted 7 times before I stopped. And the music was awful for the "hippe era" or any other time in history.
Don't bother to watch this movie unless you have a masochistic bent or you have serious psychotropic drugs.
SPOILERS:
What was the point of inviting all his friends to the ranch if he knew they would stand between him and the gold? Why was the one woman endlessly running and falling, running and falling, until she could place herself in front of the ambulance? Was there a curse or not?
Mosura (1961)
Better than Average Toho film
I think what makes this movie special is not the "giant insect" aspect but the mysticism involved. Godzilla is a legend in the original at least but Mothra is actually a deity--and a hands-on deity at that. Inlikethe other creatures in this bestiary, Monthra is beloved of those who live with it and is protected by it, often by direct intercession.
Unlike the other monsters, Mothra can die, and has done so. But it continues to protect its people by reproducing the old fashioned way--it lays eggs. IT is also intelligent and intuitive, and its nature is NOT aggressive or violent. It's almost Buddhist in nature.
The only other time they tried to work this kind of mysticism into these movies was with King Cesar--a giant cocker spaniel with contacts. The beast was just too goofy to be taken seriously.
Mothra is a great addition to the canon.
Gamera tai uchu kaijû Bairasu (1968)
"Child's Happy Dream"
It must be remembered that the Gammera movies, like many of the first-series Gozilla films, WERE in fact aimed squarely at kids. Little Kenny and his cohorts are living out the daydreams of the kids in the audience: they get to run around and play with top-secret stuff while the adults stand by and allow it; they get to cavort with monsters, and even when the bad guys enter, they are never in any real danger.
Perhaps the first Gammera film is an aberration because the child DOES get punished and IS put into danger, but the rest of the series is pure wish fulfillment.
As one critic said, these aren't failed adult movies but successful kid's movies.
The Demon (1981)
What the hell is going on?
I bought this movie as part of a package deal, and I must say it reduces the value of the package immeasurably.
The "demon" is described by the wasted Cameron Mitchell as "less than a man and more than a man", which is a neat trick but is never explained. But then neither are the "demon's" motives, choice of victims, or identity.
The entire ending relies on the conceit that the to-be victim can't figure out how to get out of her OWN HOUSE. She tries to leave through one door and ends up holding the doorknob (and when the demon had time to play handyman isn't explained because that knob had to have been in place when she got home. And at one point, the woman runs into the kitchen and doesn't grab a knife or any other potential weapon...are people really this stupid? The camera work is hackneyed, scenes are shot so dark you can't see the action, and the plot evidently died with the first victim. But by all means, get this movie and see it for yourself. Why should I suffer alone?
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
Why Make Non-Remakes?
This is just one of several movies of late that have taken the titles of classic/B-level horror movies and made them into MYV-generation chopjobs. To me, the trilogy of Original-Raping Remakes is this film, The Haunting, and House on Haunted Hill, all of which began as good, solid movies that had some class (esp. Haunting) and were remade into slasher trash.
The original movie was a tight little film about a family that needed the house they suddenly inherited and had a reason to stay even when weird things began to happen. Moreover, these were characters that had some warmth and depth. And for God's sake, at least we knew the uncle was DEAD--the new version is terminally confusing on this point. As noted by another reviewer, he can be seen without the ghost-specs BUT we are led to believe he dies in the opening scene. Very sloppy. And the ghosts of the original were interesting and varied, and not all were threats; in this version, every one is a menace in one way or another.
Perhaps Hollywood could save a little money on mind-numbing special effects and invest in some originality--perhaps coming up with something NEW in horror films instead of dragging out the same titles and/or stories. And some acting would be nice.
Zombie (1971)
DEL TENNEY, PEOPLE--What did you expect?
I don't think this movie is anywhere near as abysmal as most people think it is, when viewed in context of its time. William Joyce may be a sleazy, bare-chested, pompous ass, but that never stopped 007. And certainly the women in this film are no more irritating or useless than most "bond girls". Sorry if you're a fan of Bond movies but any franchise that so criminally wastes performers like Diana Rigg and Donald Pleasance doesn't rank high in my estimation.
The plot is pretty standard and typical drive-in fare. It must be noted that this appeared with its "twin (I Drink Your Blood) not just in drive ins but in a few "all-night spook shows", which were a combination of cheap thrills and laughs, and for this venue the movie was perfect.
Ultimately, the flaws being noted for this movie reflect the influence of the director, not the cast.
Il mostro di Venezia (1965)
Mind-numbing would be a step up for this movie
It commits the cardinal sin--it is a mystery that gives NO clues whatsoever to the killer's identity except his gender (this is not a spoiler because the very first scene establishes this.) The best thing to do is to watch the bad acting and Ed-Woodesque values. There is a repeated bit where the bodies are supposedly kept upright in glass-covered stalls; the killer repeatedly acts as if he is putting his hands on the glass but it is obvious they never got around to putting any glass in place--it looks like a high-school mime exercise. Then there are the obviously fake skulls littering the place and the appalling night-club scene.
Watch it for its lack of polish and control, but feel free to move about at will--you can miss 15 minutes at a time and not lose the plot.
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943)
Lugosi--shafted again!
The reason Lugosi's lines as the monster were deleted was that the writer, Curt Siodmak, hated the way Lugosi sounded and hated his accent. But the blame was not Bela's, but Curt's. Siodmak knew going in that Lugosi was playing the monster and that the monster's brain had been replaced with Ygor's--and Ygor had a Hungarian accent. The truth of the matter is that Siodmak could not write dialect to save his soul--his dialog for Ilona Massey (Bela's fellow Hungarian) is also curiously flat and lifeless. They cut Bela's lines to appease Siodmak--a rather recalcitrant person to work with, from all reports--but obviously couldn't cut Ilona's as well. All they succeeded in doing was muddying the movie and insulting Bela's fans. Good job, Curt! As for Eddie Parker, darn right he doubled for Lugosi in the action scenes. Bela was around 60 at this point and not a stunt-trained actor. Actors half his age didn't do a lot of their own stunts, much less actors who also had severe back problems and resultant sciatica.
This film also marks the beginning of the "whiny lycanthrope" period of Chaney's career. All he had to do was confine himself when the moon was full and his life would otherwise be pretty normal. Instead, we get the "I just wanna die" moaning we will have to endure through several more films. Curiously, I thin this may have had an impact on Chaney's personal outlook as well; his career and life was just as much of a downward spiral as Bela's. Bela had his pills and Lon had his bottle.
Monsters Crash the Pajama Party (1965)
Buy the DVD
In order to get even close to the full effect, you must get the Something Weird DVD version and imagine yourself to be a teenager in the 50's or 60's. Spook shows were evening-long events, not just a movie, and the atmosphere was giddy and creepy at the same time. I personally just missed being old enough to experience it first-hand, but have talked to many people who did go to them.
Some were awful and amateurish and some did a good job. But they were never meant to be anything more than a good time to have with your date or friends. And this movie probably typifies the experience more than any other--a little self-indulgent, a little off-kilter, and good, cheesy fun.