Change Your Image
argyletrout
Reviews
The Other Sister (1999)
Like the Butcher's Daughter
Cuz she has a lot to LOIN! I don't think they even let people like that into Vo-Tech; that's just insulting. They left out the part where Carla brings cosmetics to a make-up exam.
Nobody names a goldfish "Tickles," that's really dumb unless you're fish is ticklish, which I don't think it was.
I want that job picking marshmallows out of tuba's, it's a chick magnet, especially not getting paid.
I call Danny "College Bread" - he made a 4 year loaf off his father's dough!
"I got a cookie maker's hat and everything! It's really high!"
That line does NOT work, and neither does wearing a puppy costume and barking at girls who are the ugly duckling.
I didn't buy that part where he says he's house-trained: he's more of a litterbox kind of guy who tells everyone his love secrets because he wants to do that pervy thing on page 146.
House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Baby's crack problem
This is exactly why you can't sow wild oats and hope for a crop failure.
I think getting turned into a fishguy was probably the best thing that ever happened to glasses-boy, besides having Baby flirt with him. She kind of has a crack problem, with those pants she wears, so she makes hot chocolate for him because the cheerleaders upstairs didn't even try to cheer her up, and her mom's hair is like those cats that were dyed 9 times. Everyone else is like Steven Hawking - really lame! but not smart or with a funny voice or in a wheelchair.
Tiny is a real Don Juan - the girls DON JUAN anything to do with him, even though his mom explains how he's a real lady-killer,just shy,so he goes to his room to eat "Agatha Crispies" cereal out of a dog food bowl, and Captain Spaulding is actually a clown, not a sea captain. When some hick cops stop by,he has on a shirt that says "Pigs Is Beautiful," which almost makes sense but cops don't eat fried chicken, even though it's free, just because they don't like clowns. There's even a guy named Goober, or not. Baby lets him keep the change, so you figure her crack problem isn't that bad. Or maybe it is- later on you see this cheap, broken tape deck and feel bad for how they are so poor they can't even pay attention to stuff like that.
The Devil's Rejects (2005)
House of Maybe 10 Corpses
I liked this movie, it wasn't what I expected though. The Fireflies barely killed anybody, and no one even got turned into a fishman.
It was pretty sick to see Captain Spaulding in bed with this girl who has a Supreme Court figure - NO APPEAL! and obviously doesn't practice GIRTH CONTROL, but luckily, he had "important clown business to tend to," so he splits to go and scare this kid in a parking lot.
The hefty girl makes a lot of sense (probably scents too) by calling him "Poopy" all the time, because "Poopy the Clown" is catchier than Captain Spaulding anyway.
I never would of guessed Baby's fave ice cream was tooty-fruity, or that Cap Spaulding liked fat chicks, and monkeys in lace nighties,but this movie was full of surprises. Like some other uses for chickens.
The sheriff is some sick Elvis freak, like that butcher's son who had a lot to LOIN! Or like a barber always trying to make things even.
You do get to see a lot of Baby's butt, though.
Stand by Me (1986)
Don't stand by me
This movie was like that baseball girl, who got thrown out at home. Except there aren't any girls in it except for maybe this waitress who looks like Big Bird and thinks a gun and a cherry bomb are the same thing. These 4 kids want to visit this other kid in a different town, so they make up excuses to leave home and walk around railroad tracks. That other kid's dead though, so it was definitely a good idea to bring a comb.
One of the kids is like Crisco. Fat in the can, and digging holes under the porch because you can't buy much food for 7 cents. You get to hear about an even fatter kid who can make people puke on each other, because cartoons can't beat up real guys.
I don't really want to think about guys prancing through the woods singing songs about lollipops or sitting around in wet tighty-whiteys yanking bugs off each other. And I definitely wouldn't want anyone Standing By ME if I had to pick giant swamp-roaches out of my undies.
Good Will Hunting (1997)
Like maple syrup
Sappy.
I liked how they went to the "Haaavaad baaa" to quote books at each other to impress the ugliest girl there.
Probably the janitor at my school is a genius too but is waiting to land that big construction job.
Just because you keep your nose to the grindstone is no reason to try to cut a steak with it. "Do you like apples?"
the guy nods or something.
"Well, how'd ya like DEM APPLES!" Wow, that IS genius.
Duh, Minnie Driver would give her number to anybody. Robin Williams can't paint and keeps the good books on the top shelf. And there's a professor who always wears a priest scarf for no reason.
Troll 2 (1990)
Celery
This movie cracked me up! It was like that guy who ate all the celery at a cocktail party! Especially where Joshuau peed on the food! And there's not even really trolls! His mom has bad hair and his sister can't dance, yet they wonder why he'd rather hang out with his dead grandpa! I didn't get into how Elliot was getting naked with his friends and watching porno stuff with monkeys and bad music, but since your friends are not even worried about how corn and vegetables will kill you, then it makes sense that you button up your shirt when your girlfriend shows up unexpected.
I don't want to even think about reading a cook book about vegetables or have some guy try to make me eat ice cream with raisins on it.
But its good to know a baloney sandwich can save me from that.
From Justin to Kelly (2003)
Cuz Justin is curly
I resent this movie for making it seem like girls actually have some attraction to curly-haired men, (it's not true! It's not!) but my counselor is helping me to cope with that now.
You see, I once had curly Justin Guarini hair, but I was made fun of everyday, so I got it straightened in between switching schools.
I have learned through counseling not to resent Justin for using his hair as his trademark. He was probably made fun of too, and swirled and stuffed into lockers, before American Idol. He deserves stardom.
I am a coward compared to him. I could not face life with spirally curls. I only wish this movie came out two years ago, maybe I could have got a date, even with my curly hair. Justin inspired me.
So I don't hate him anymore for getting the girl, even with that hairstyle that I rejected out of insecurity.
He is a true hero.
Constantine (2005)
Constantine-uously bored
I saw this with my sister and all she could talk about was Shia La Bouef's hair being cut for the movie. I remember how he had his hair really bushy on that Disney Channel movie where he played a retarded kid, so I guess he had to cut it to make him look smart. Not like that worked! I changed my hair and no one thinks I'm any smarter. I told her to shut up about the haircut, already.
I said how that was so he would not totally distract the audience with his clown hair, and we could all focus on how pathetic Keanu Reeves is.
Even with him supposed to being dying, he was still old and lame and a very bad actor, hard to care about. He was really boring, so I was just waiting for him to die. And waiting, and waiting! I couldn't stand it.
Somebody should have had a chainsaw. Early on.
The girl in it was not bad. And not bad-looking! But if you're going to have her be a mental patient, make it interesting at least. Like if she thought she was Michael Jackson, or had a collection of toes.
I did like the demons and the Hell scenes, but - guess what- you just won't see that stuff from your own bathtub at home, which this movie makes you think is totally possible.
I didn't like how you weren't sure if the angel was a man or a woman. I like to think, in Heaven, everyone is sexy. You should be able to tell if someone's a girl or a guy.
Also, stuff like that should make you think and not fall asleep.