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Reviews
The Love Witch (2016)
for what it's suppose to be
Bravo. A lot of those movies didn't do a whole ton. Look at a Touch Of Satan. Thisovie did a fantastyjon replicating the llok sound and feel of that era. There are a few times when the filters are off and a few costumes don't entirely match up. That being said it has a so much great atmosphere.
The actress doing the British accent was spot on to the era. The filters looked perfect and her acting was dead on. There is a scene in a females breakfast/cafe and even with all the extras it was on the nose. There are a few modern cars that could not be helped, but enough older cars that make it right. Dialogue is stilted and drawn out much like the era. The lack of soundtrack at the right times and 60s movie ballads at others again hit home.
Tl;dr if you like those cheesy 60s horror movies this is a lovely homage to their look, feel, and sound.
The Terrible Two (2018)
thank you tubi
I loved this movie. The main actor nailed the dad from troll 2 combined with the blandness of rod from berdemic. Amazing. His spouse somehow matched the deadpan or maybe just dead acting of the mom from troll 2.
Plot is hard to follow because I was playing a video game to keep me awake while watching this. Its worst sin is of course being bland, boring and forgettable. I don't even want to hate the actors, there is nothing to work with. I mean I doubt any of them will ever win an Oscar, but you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shi...
Sound...um don't remember much and I had a hard time watching because of the slight moving of the iPhone they shot it on. Can you please use a tripod. It's one thing to have a Shakey cam movie, it's another to just have wobble on the edges while the editor tries to keep the characters center framed.
The only saving grace was my wife and I watched some grifters on a documentary about Amityville. These people were worse actors than the ones from the terrible two. I don't know how anyone believes these 'psychics' and feeling a presence from the street, when even the lawyer says it was all a lie to sell books and movies.
Sorceress (1982)
Here for the cheese
With so many movies at the time featuring sword and sorcery, why not enlist a set of twins that were in playboy. Acting wise what is there to talk about. The twins know and feel and are bound to one another as warriors(hard to look at compared to the choreography we see now) and magic users. There is a scene where the second twin is expressing the emotions and reactions while the other is exploring her new found womanhood with the "hero". You see they feel what the other twin does in case you didn't get it!
It has a weird kid level theme with a monkey and satyr(goatman) and deathstalker 3 kind of feel. BUT there is a lot of boobs. The music is fine and the movie is campy and fun but even with that its hard to rate it higher. Some of the effects are terrible, but its a C movie living on a corman budget. Can't expect too much. Still better than some other twin movies.
Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
I watch mst3k and this movie is too bad even for that.
Ok where to start? The opening sequence is fine until the two humans decide to verify if they are stupid, drive to creepy fram and check down the well. Dont worry thats about the last time we can play ' I remember that person from :' and for that we have vets gary graham(robot jox, alien nation and enterprise) and dee wallace( hills have eyes and e.t.). Not entirely sure why they had a 50s car. Maybe to show origin flashnack to 46 years ago in the 70s or maybe 69 years ago in the 50s. Classic car collector ? But creeps has his old pickup that already looks older than the original from 2001. Good good, massage my brain smithers, we will need it.
After the demise of any acting skill on set we zoom to a pair of dumb arses who are on their way to a Con(nerd convention to those not in the know). She isnt aware of her pregnancy and he isnt aware he is with someone who doesnt share his interests. They have a cutesy cosplay montage in their motel room and we are then treated to them going to this convention? Looks like they are at a weekend carnival with people in Halloween costumes.
Now i know JC isnt the most well know title, i saw the first one with justin long at the show. But if you are going to do a convention, it should not be hard to get 50 no line extras to just pack together in a few costumes to make it look like a lot of people attended. Instead we had barely the crew on set of 20 people meandering around in the background. Tight zoom like Rocky did if you are on a budget with no friends. Creeper is an awesome mechanic by fixing his rusty truck after 23 years. JC heard the music was going to be jumpin so he goes to the convention.
I skipped the voodoo visit and the preg test not working because it is mostly forgettable. My dogs needed out and i told the wife to keep rolling, like the director did through much of this 'film'
Anyway the soon to be parents win a rigged prize by the townfolk who somehow are cool with the creep now. They get to stay in el creepos house as the prize. If you had not noticed the terrible cgi this will certainly take you for a ride to uncanny valley in your brain. Are you sure this wasnt shot before the original..no because one of these tiktoc/youtube influencers, plus a few others are trapped in the house with them. But wait there is a scene where the soon to be mother is carried off by JC when they stop at a cemetery. The group down one from the recent murder of their friend (like 2 minutes ago in front of their eyes) decide to follow instead the 'dad' towards the house. Lucky for the creeper the townfolk lock these dummies inside his house with a piece of wood across the front door.
Meanwhile mom is tied up in the cgi basement and probbed for her fetus.
Now i am not sure how huge most farmhouses are, but i doubt they are as big as this 'escape room' farm the one guy keeps going on about.
Hey gang you know wood exposed to sun and rain is usually rotted badly after 23 or 46 or maybe 69 years, try to push on the boarded windows...a bit. But the movie has to happen so here we are.
Oh look bloody corpse in the attic and creeper shows up to scare the kids and show the audienece he uses parts to reinvigorate himself. After being shot in the hand JC pulls out his sex shop fisting toy from his coat sleeve and replaces it with the corpses arm he rips off 7 inches closer to the shoulder...perfect match!
Mom is in the basement with access to a super sharp knife that cuts through a hemp fishing rope big as your thumb in a few quick cuts. Free at last.
Finally they get the band back together upstairs. Time to leave. Oh there is sunlight pouring through the boarded windows at this point. Night went by pretty quick.
Time for a random bear trap in an upstairs room to slow one character. Dad gets on a landline phone with the police before the phone gets broken by the creeper. They carry this load down a flight of stairs and agree they cant just leave he would find them and kill them! Then promptly get the influencer with an axe in the head to prove he is going to kill you anyway.
Oh look some werid psychic flash sideways? Wife says it also happened in the voodoo shop... whatever moving on.
Creeps finally does his whole eye in the door crack thing. Time to eat some brain from the influencer, but first he needs his gramaphone music that he just walks in and sets the stylus down. Do you crank this model, use telekenisis? Amazing how the power stays on at all these old rundown farmhouses.
Mom is ready to fight winning clitche bingo "We are done running". A yes a crappy voodoo doll and shrine to JC... why? Oh to cover the room of corpses the townfolk are feeding JC. Finally the big reveal "Chase i'm pregnant. Thats why its after me. It wants what i got. Yes (literal prgenant pause lol) I will marry you. If we ever get out of here alive" Wtf is this dialogue and delivery. Exactly as typed, and wooden like the pencil that should have crossed it out of the script. I cant blame the actors. Its a horror movie with plot holes and craptastic dialogue. Even sam jackson was terrible in star wars. So direction and dialogue matters.
The survivors get a mini exposition dump at the shrine that happens to have newspapers to tell them the most relevant plot points in case the audience missed it. Dont worry this isnt Momento or Donnie Darko, they will feed you baby bird. Why would the creeper or the townsfolk have missing persons clippings. Who is going in to regularly light the candles. Surely they dont burn for 23 days?
So even after shooting the creeper these clowns think blunt weapons are their best bet against JC?? The promptly find his sitting room where captain highliner ( honeatly its a black slicker, do farms in the midwest have this?)😂 is waiting behind the door for them. Was he filing his nails and giggling while waiting for them to come in..thanks for the murder JC glad we could give you abtwo for one coupon to help wrap up this movie a bit quicker JC just cant get enough of his jam that he turns on the gramaphone before trying to finish off the rwdneck. Whoops subverted your expectations when redneck breaks the phono and makes a break for the stairs to lure the creeper to waiting mamabear. Not dead yet!
Mom presents herself on the porch for her baby and jc to live forever??? But she passed her conceal weapon check with a nat 20 and stabs the creeper in both ears with some throwing stars (at least they showed her taking a single lesson and being good earlier at the carnival...oops i mean convention.)
Mom then stepa back 3 paces sets her feet and throws one into each of his eyes . " How do like those peepers BIT CH" lmao...dad and redneck meanehile had time to climb 3 stories get onto the room and pull off the weather vane.."NOW" mom cries as she has lured the creeper into the presumably x marked spot on the front lawn. CGI weathervane spear falls at a 60 degree angle defying physics and impales it through its head. Cut and print. Perfect! Oh wait a flock of seagulls or maybe crows start attacking redneck who of course does fall to his death...like I had said, not dead yet.
The murder of crows flock around creepers corpse and pick it clean in 3 seconds then promptly flying off right before the cops show up ( oh its night again if anyone cares). No questions about all the dead bodies. I guess lone dude in a cop has a sweet contract with JC to not get killed and he doesn't ask surviving victems if they might be responsible for the carnage. We then see mok in the car with her flash black. Which makes no sense to the creeper, but hey maybe the fetus has a little jc fetus spending time in the womb together. Then we get the crows regurgitating his parts to from a new him and he turns his head and growls.
I didnt check for post credit scenes because i had lost enough brain cells watching the 85 minutes i did.
This movie could have been much better with better sets, not just sheets tacked to walls, more extras for the ten minutes at the convention. And finally far less CGI. CGI ismt greatost of the time and removes immersion with uts cartoon lok and physics, but bad cgi makes it much much worse.
I hope the cast and crew at least had some fun on set for this dog. Hate to think it was stressful like some movies with not much to show for other than a credit and maybe some food on their tables. We all got to eat. I get it. But this isnt even bad bad like samurai cop or the room , its the kind of early 90s movie that would go straight to vhs at you local rental shop. Not even blockbuster. You would find it placed next to the Don't movies.
Overall i guess you could get a few chuckles at this or maybe enjoy nitpicking parts if thats your thing. But it weirdly feels lower budget than cabin fever than had no people in it, but is still memorable for the movie itself. Infigure in 5 years, maybe the end of this year, people will ask "they made another jeepers creepers after the second" and be surprised. Then can then watch this and understand how terrible it gets after the first 2 like aliens, terminator, or predator movies.
David Spade: Nothing Personal (2022)
Worked for me.
I know some will have their panties in an uproar about dead naming jenner, jowever the show was solid and was a good length. Its hard to do 45 minutes and this one was over an hour.
His style is one where he pivots from one topic to another and skates way down where you may not know when he changes topics. It is this guys style. Its different.
Yeah dick jokes. Its not like every female comedian out there doesnt also have a few sex jokes or entire sets about it...I dont see an issue because he covered a lot of topics.
I didnt laugh at every joke, but was entertained with my wife for an hour. If anything it may be because he has a lot of self deprecating humour that americans dont get, but brits, aussies, kiwi and canucks doo.
Star Trek: Discovery: ...But to Connect (2021)
Look at how many people review.
The numbers are dropping like a stone. SO while fans will come in and give it 8,9, or even 10 stars, Most won't even write a negative reviews because the show is skipped for how crap it is.
If any old ST show had half the budget this one gets ...man we could have had some amazing shows. This is just a waste. How about the bridge has a crew who we care about? How about not wastin fx on crap that doesn't matter. I guess they would have to fill that with actial non crying dialogue and writing is hard. I check in maybe twice a season after watching the first 2...yep still disappointed, yep burntham is still the most dis likable star trek character I have seen. Why would anyone put their own life at risk for this person. Has the charisma of a dying toad and more smug than kirk at his worst.
Jack Ryan (2018)
Garbage
More american exceptionalism and histarics. Sorry tom clancy, but america isnt the underdog or the good guy. Garbage show.
Amy Schumer: The Leather Special (2017)
Tasteless Butthole
I can get away with that title because it is still funnier than this comedy special. I started the movie before my wife went to the show to watch something good. We sat through 25 minutes together in stone silence.
"Not good eh?" "Worst I have seen in a while"
I kept watching another 15 minutes but couldn't make the end of this disaster. I don't care about her politics and I lean left of Chomsky. That being said the show is just boring. I watch MST3K(now that is a good show on NetFlix) and when they were interviewed about how the Riff movies they said the movies they riff on are bad for any number of reasons, but the ones the like least are boring ones. Worst thing you can do with your show is be boring. If you try and flop but make a beautiful mess (80's movies doing it a lot) then good on you for doing so! We will tear a chunk out of your show, but its done with a sorta love. If it is just boring then there is a special place in hell for you.
As a comedy this one was boring. Jokes that took too long to get to a punchline, if it even had a punchline, stories that went no where. Bad presentation (Won't mention her outfit, because it doesn't even matter, its less gross than her 'jokes') Just a thrown together mess. Dull, too raunchy-to the point that it has no punch because you are assaulted by it non stop from the start of the show onward. And some of the jokes seemed all too familiar to my wife and I only very poorly half told.
Schumer has done some funny things, at least her writing staff has on her show. Like finger bangers! But this format and presentation was a total bomb. Would say watch for its awfulness, but it isn't even worth it for that. STAY AWAY, find something better to do. Weed your lawn, knit a scarf, bake some pastries, stare at the water flushing in your toilet bowl. Anything is better time spent than watching this mish mash of boring raunch.
Look how much time I wasted seeing and then typing about this mess. You are welcome for this public service.
Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)
For the fun of it.
OK OK I have seen bad movies, but this isn't one. Sure its ridiculous. Some of the acting is way over the top and cheesy, but that is the point of it. I enjoyed this film because it didn't try to be serious at all. It had fun and so did the people in the theater I attended with my buddies. People laughed and it got a huge round of applause at the end. We were happy to see a few canucks(it was filmed on the east coast, so I am biased) so for this Canadian it was a plus. The effects look like special effects, no CGI. I like this. As someone who is tired of CGI taking over plot, dialogue, and character, a little corn syrup and toilet paper makes for a more enjoyable movie.
The movie was so over the top that they even roasted kids in a school bus. There were some plot things that made you scratch your head..like a tentacle monster for no apparent reason? But the movie was a fun B movie that didn't in anyway take itself too serious. There is also a guest spot of David Brunt who was in the original grind house trailer. The two main stars-hobo and abby, did a good job. I have seen Rutger in Omega Doom which was far worse in every aspect than this film.
The sound was good and the music and hair styles were reminiscent of the 80s(which I think was the target, despite being a grindhouse movie)lighting was good including some blue lights in the right spots plus the ever gratuitous neon we saw through that decade. Production values were good for what was most likely a low budget film.
Now if you want to see bad, see Troll 2, The Room, Manos The Hands Of Fate, or more recently birdemic(or any asylum film) those are truly bad movies. Bad sound, bad acting, bad dialogue, bad editing. So if you don't agree with my score just compare Hobo against actual bad movies. This is a decent made popcorn flick for the horror/action genre, so take it for what it is.
Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010)
What happened
As a connoisseur of awful movies I can say without a doubt The Worst 'movie' I have ever seen. I'm just glad I won 20 bucks on how bad this was. I feel guilty taking it in fact. My friend heard sequel and thought it could be bad, just not this bad.
The Good: Kevin Sorbo does the only good line reads in the movie(half of which he isn't in) He also doesn't take it too serious so that was a plus.
Lee Horsley: A few homages to SATS and he gets to play an adventurer past his prime. Which is the dad of the 4 siblings in case you didn't know and most likely the cloaked figure at the end of the movie.
Pretty girls and a few topless shots(not such a big deal in our current era though).
The Bad: Don't even know where to begin. It says the props came from not 1 but 2 studios. By this they must have meant 2 studio dumpsters. The clothes and armour are not even TV quality bad. One girl just has a quickly sewn pleather top. I could make it in about 25 minutes with no pattern.
The music was terrible. I don't mean it was a poor score, there was no score. A fantasy movie deserves a somewhat classical score. Heck many are free to use. Even the awful synth in LadyHawke(which dates it) is better. If you have seen Dracula 2000 you are getting close, only its only a single song(riff most of the time) played at booming volumes at completely random times. I have heard beautiful metal songs but the one song on this movie is awful. You can't hear the dialogue- actually you can't understand half the villains because the vampire teeth(somehow it became a vampire movie from a fantasy movie along the way)are too big or not in correctly. One chic I couldn't even understand because she had an accent and sounded like she was slurping through a straw because of the teeth.
Sets looked bad(but at least we didn't expect much), could have had some shots outside that involved the people in the movie.
The cinematography. Never seen any. Someone noodled with some effects on the camera for colour shifting and double the frame rates.
Length of film is a lie. This feature short is actually about 70 minutes and 15 minutes of credits. I know you want to thank the people that made the movie but using it to pad out the movie is terrible.
The ending-worst death sequence ever. And no resolution, not even the typical voice over epilogue.
If being able to hold an unblinking face is acting then the lead villain should win an Oscar
Terrible CGI but with such a low budget its understandable.
The Ugly: The editing. OK this is the biggest stumbling block for the film when you combine it with the awful screeching guitar riff. I could not follow the story with random 'you are here' chapters being put on the screen. They didn't mean anything. You could have rearranged almost any of the 8 or so chapters and it would have made as much sense. I can't blame a single person for how bad this whole movie was, except the editor. If you know about Manos The Hands Of Fate and how the director could only film 30 seconds at a time with his cheap camera then you know how hard it can be to edit with 30 second chunks of film. I think they managed to find that same camera and have it work at 25 percent efficiency. There is almost no point that a cut isn't made in 7 seconds. Sometimes 6 or 7 times in 7 seconds. Imagine a whole film shot in bad lighting like the lion fight from Gladiator. Cut Cut Cut.
Seriously, I have no idea what happened in this movie. About the only plot I got was 4 half siblings try to find their dad while some evil vampires, that have something to do with Richard Molls character in the SATS, are somehow in conflict.
I just have no idea what was going on in this trainwreck. The Asylum films at least make do with poor acting and crappy sets, but there are plots and sometime character development, this film...No idea at all.
I would love to give this a higher rating for Sorbo, Horsley, and the attractive girls trying to act in this movie, but it is so poorly edited it deserves a spot in the bottom 100. Monsters a go-go made more sense. Sorry riffers you can't even save this with riffing. Tommy W's The Room is a veritable Citizen Cain compared against this.
If you are interested, only attempt viewing this as an exercise in masochism. At least it was only 70 minutes. If it had been longer my brain might have pooled in my shoes. View at your own risk.
Starship Troopers (1997)
If you didn't like the movie at least its not the book
If you didn't like the movie at least its not the book. I know that is not how I should rate this but I am. I saw this twice at the show way back when it came out. I didn't want to but was asked "pretty please with sugar on top" I never liked it the first time and the second time took any suspense away from the movie entirely.
Technically its OK. Acting is below average from everyone, but mostly because of clunky writing. Who ever designed the helmets should have been shot. At least size it to the actors head. In at least 3 scenes, any number of actors can be seen trying to push the helmet back on top of their head instead of in their eyes, or dangling off to the side awkwardly.
You know how I mentioned the writing was bad-dialogue wise-its not nearly as terrible as the book. I sat down and started reading this recently and had to come here to re evaluate this movie. While I thought it awful before, it is better than its source material. Yes it should have had the power armour. Course then it would have looked worse than Robot Jocks(that one was sooo bad) But the book is just awful. Boring, no plot, no character development, bad descriptions and worst of all preachy militaristic fascism philosophy. So its hard to imagine the movie being better than the source but it was.
See how bad the book must be if this only rates a 5. At least you had some action here. There was a half hearted attempt at developing the characters. And some of the technical staff did a good enough job for this to pass as better than DTV quality. Hey look a plot, not just marching. So grudgingly I had to bump it from 3 to 5. Almost a 6 because the book was just so bloody boring and they tried to make it work. So good effort, but still falls short.
There are already plenty of reviews that detail the movie, so I won't bother. I just want people to know this movie is STILL better than the book so don't be dumb like me and go reading the novel thinking it will be better. It isn't.
See Aliens for a good alien vs infantry movie. Or Forever War for a better novel. Hope this helps.
Transmorphers: Fall of Man (2009)
The difference between ET and Aliens
Wow where to start. Hmmm CGI, bad but not terrible. I guess it is like a very bad Sci Fi network show for quality. The way, or rather the reason they blow up is hilarious.
Production value is pretty rough. They use the same old refinery from virtually all the Asylum movies. Actually they couldn't even scrape together their usual cast of ever returning actors. Seriously every movie has the same people playing small roles. It does give a certain continuity and ruins less careers I guess.
They even manage to get some actors not working for scale like Bruce Boxleitner. However he can not save this dog.
The camera crew does a decent job with what they have and the sound is OK. We are talking relative terms here. Ed Wood would call this a masterpiece, but it isn't.
One production issue I had a problem with and at this point it would be nitpicking given the nature of these films. Keep the main character's wound in the same spot OK. It was almost never in the same spot. For that matter do people run around covered in their own gore for days on end?
Which brings us to some other funny issues. The "scientist" gets a pipe put into her leg that they pull out while in the magical van that transmorphs from a 1994 Chrysler mini that the door wont shut on to a 2000 that is missing its wheel covers. So yes there was a transmorphing in the film. All while travelling very slowly(look out the window, trees are barely moving in the background...priceless) At least it was filmed in a vehicle. This character then limps for about half a scene before becoming pretty much fine. About on par with the girl in Cloverfield when pulled off the rebar.
There are so many weird things happening with script and plot you have to see it to believe it. But the most epic part is when the Mayor whos' daughter has an operation(as you are told over and over) ask the scientist about the difference between ETs and Aliens. All I can say is she must have been pretty drunk during the shoot and they wanted to wrap. She is wobbling around slurring and is kinda touchy feely. "Thanks for the respect" LOL. The lines that do come out are incoherent at best and require the Mayor to explain what she meant while one of the other characters is caught rolling her eyes. In fact Dr Drool has a plate magically appear in front where she tied her sweater around her hips after the slurring explanation of what friendly/enemy like bad and good creatures from space are. At this point the Mayor mentions how good he is at cooking. She then remembers her cue but not the location of said magical plate. After wobbling a bit and looking around behind her in both directions, she gets that excited look (like a kid getting a bowl of ice cream)when she find it tucked into the front of her pants.
I mean it has lots of funny moments but this was really the best for the 5 people who watched it with me. We had to re-watch it 3 times because we were crying so hard from the stupidity of the scene. "I guess thats a take eh!" Replied one of my buddies. The whole scene probably could have hit the cutting room floor. But it wouldn't have been a feature length film if they had tried to fix all the errors in this dog so why bother.
To be fair I would have been pretty drunk while filming this too. I hope they had fun filming it, because it is very funny in a "The Room" sort of way. Better than some other Asylum films and I did like it better than Paranormal Activity. I wish one of the MST3K groups would take a crack at the asylum movies. Pure gold as they are a self parody.
I gave it 4 for the effort and laughs, but its pretty bad, my official rating is 1 just so more people will see this ...um movie? Come on bottom 100. It really deserves to be there. Some of those movies don't come close to this bad. Gigli is terrible but at least it was produced and had some actors in it.
The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)
Headache ultimatum
Why Hollywood thinks that 8 bazillion cut shots equals action I do not know. The amount of cuts required for this movie must have junked 3 or 4 cropping machines. When we got near the end of the movie I thought someone had put my head in a vise, all the while drilling into my eye as the pain from retina tore through my iris. Please make this stop.
Snarkyness aside, the movie for all it's brain pounding camera work was still enjoyable. We saw an afternoon showing so the theatre wasn't too full. The dialogue was good. There was no star wars-esquire scenes of people uncomfortable with their lines. The acting was well done with woodenness down to a minimum for this action movie. The director did a good job of shot locations(when you can see them!) production was also good. Action is great and mostly believable, unlike transporter 2. No major gaffes for a great action movie. Just the choice of blue tint the entire movie and of course wild and wacky shaky camera /cut scenes. Would have been an eight or nine but the camera work just was too disjointing to get any feel for the real action going on...it almost makes one wonder how back in the old days they showed action without CGI and shaky camera. Go back and watch raiders! All in all a fun action movie that is very believable(for the most part) good special FX and a decent plot. I would recommend it, But bring your motion sickness pills!